


Quondam Automaton

by Stingray



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Firehouse 51, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Illness, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-09-28 03:52:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 90,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10070138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stingray/pseuds/Stingray
Summary: The monsters, always there at the back of his mind, jumping on any opportunity to shove him deeper into the pit of darkness he's falling into.So many things are hurting Matt, will he be able to reach the pinpoint of light at the end of the tunnel?





	1. No Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This story will involve graphic depictions of self harm and depression, as well as anxiety and panic attacks. I'm sorry if this a problem to anyone! Don't read if there's a possibility you may be triggered. <3
> 
> Enjoy peeps! <3 xx

Matt sighed when he reached the coffee station in the kitchen of the firehouse. No coffee left, the pot was empty of the brownish liquid. He was running on fumes as he began making a new pot. He almost felt as though he needed a coffee in order to make coffee, irony at its finest, he supposed. Matt carefully counted each scoop of grounds as he dumped them into a clean filter. Next was the water, which was audibly accompanied into the coffeemaker with a sad exhale of breath. Stark it was, against the happy and boisterous environment around him. But he shut it all out. He ignored Mouch and Otis fighting over the TV remote playfully, and didn't pay any attention to the obviously juicy gossip being shared around the table. Right now, he needed to get this coffee going, then scoot back to his office as quickly as he could. He wasn't sure he wanted to drag anyone down with his slightly off mood.

Seconds felt like hours as he watched each individual drop fall into the glass coffee pot. Each dribble slowly yet surely doing it's job to get to the top. Patience was usually one of Matt's more reliable virtues, but today, nothing seemed to be going his way. His mind seemed to be making everything go in slow motion. It was almost as if his brain was in some kind of fog, and there's no telling if it would ever clear up. But life could only go on. And after an eternity, the coffee was brewed. Matt still hadn't said a word to anyone in the room, not a greeting, nor a single syllable. He was in no mood to talk, and obviously everyone had taken note from his demeanour and respected his wishes. They didn't try to spark any conversations, not with their words at least. Although, he could practically feel the eyes boring into his back as he hastily poured his coffee. He heard whispers and quiet talking which he was almost ninety-nine percent sure was about him, but he was too tired to care. Or perhaps, he'd just heard it enough over the past while that it no longer bothered him, either way, he felt somewhat indifferent about the situation. 

Matt sped to his office. For once, he wished he had a big pile of paperwork on his desk. Mostly, so he could throw himself into it and forget about last call. But he had no such luxury, his office was neat and organized, and he had no way to justify the lack of socializing. He wondered momentarily if he needed a reason to be alone, but the thought soon trailed off. His phone was buzzing in his pocket, begging to be answered. Looking back up to his empty desk, Matt figured he may as well at least see who was calling. 

"Hello?" Matt mumbled, looking through a couple of files as he did so.

"Hello, Lenny's Carpet Warehouse here, this is an automated call to let you know you are eligible for a chance to win 40% of your next purcha-." 

Matt pushed the end button on his phone, followed by a distinct roll of his eyes. Screw the hell out of Lenny, he thought to himself. However, quickly reprimanding himself; being rude to strangers, even if automated, is not the right way to act. If his mother had taught him one thing... Matt shook his head, dispelling the thought as the shriek of the alarm above went off.

"Apartment fire. 374 Belmont. Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61." The dispatcher's voice echoed from the station's speakers.

All the firefighters in the house rushed to get their turnout gear on and hop in the trucks. The ride was only about four minutes, if that. It was a chilly fall day, and as they arrived at the scene, the gently falling leaves reminded them of the winter that was just around the corner. Everybody was pretty happy the turnout coats were warm, as they jumped out of the trucks. The two lieutenants were the first to assess the situation. It was a pretty average fire, as far as buildings that are licking with insanely hot flames and uncontrollable smoke went. Casey was the first to shout out orders, sending some of his men to sweep the floors. At the same time, Severide sent a couple guys to vent the back. With the building looking like it was on it's last legs, Casey entered the building and helped search for any remaining victims of the raging fire. He squinted to see through the smokey haze. He saw a couple of his men come towards him, a horrible feeling washing over him as he watched Herrmann and Mouch carrying out a young looking woman, so badly burned, she was charred to black and her remaining skin looked like molten lava. Kelly came up behind Matt a minute later. "You alright?" Kelly shouted, his voice getting challenged by the unrelenting noise of the sporadic fire. Matt was momentarily frozen in place after seeing that woman, she would likely not live to see tomorrow, if she wasn't already dead. 

"Yeah," Matt mumbled in answer to Kelly's question, throwing a nod in there, before making his way forward, Kelly following. Together, they checked the last few rooms, before getting the hell out. The two of them nearly had to dive out of the doorway of the front door as it was giving way, beams beginning to fall behind them. The smoke-filled building was then hit with water; the whooshing of the hoses and splashing of water against flame, was always a relief. It meant that they had gotten everyone out. The wail of the ambulance as it took off reminded Matt of the face he'd seen. Almost everyone at the scene knew she was likely already dead, but she would have to be brought to the hospital anyways. It was a sad thing. And just like everyone here, Matt was always saddened to see people who had succumbed to the unrelenting flames. His mood of the day had just gone from bad to worse, he felt terrible, and every ounce of his being protested against wanting to function. Matt largely entertained the idea of getting very drunk as soon as his shift was over, he knew he had a couple of 40's at home that he could take care. At least he could forget for a little while. 

After the rest of the building was taken care of and every possible chance of a single flame coming back to life was snuffed out, the two crews began loading up their respective trucks. Tired bodies and achey limbs appeared to be what most people were suffering from, this being their third call of the day so far. However, everybody that was part of the Truck Company seen the lifeless look in their lieutenants eyes, and they ignored their pains and sucked it up, because they could tell that their leader was dealing with much worse. Hell, even Squad noticed it, and Severide especially noticed Matt's odd behaviour over the last day. Although, even before that, Kelly had been noticing changes in Matt, he didn't seem to be doing to well. 

Once back at the station, all the tired souls clambered out of the trucks, only containing half the energy they had had when they had last been at the station. Nobody was actually sure what time it was by now, but the first thing they had agreed on once entering the firehouse was that the candidate should fix up some eats. By now everyone had worked up a hearty appetite and couldn't wait to chow down on some delicious food. Though, with Stella cooking, who knows about the delicious part. Food is food in the end, they all decided, as the Squad hit the table to play cards while Truck went to sit in the kitchen area. The whole lot was pleasantly surprised with Stella's humble lasagna, it seemed quite average upon first glance, but once bitten into, it was very much the opposite. Cruz mumbled under his breath, something about it being better than his grandma's. Even Otis seemed utterly smitten by the dish, though he was speechless, his elated facial expression was all anyone needed to figure that out.

Kelly noticed that Matt was nowhere to be seen, it appeared that he hadn't wanted to eat dinner by the table with everyone. Kelly was confused but he tried not to let it show, pushing away the feelings of concern as he scooped himself seconds of the fantastic food. It was Stella herself that ended up being the one who thought about bringing Matt some food. She scooped up a generous helping onto a plate, pouring a coffee whilst she was at it, and brought it over to Matt's office on a small tray. She noticed the zoned out look on the lieutenants face through the glass door before she even got close. She knocked gingerly on the door, which snapped Matt out of his daze. Matt looked up as Stella entered the office. "Brought you some food, Lieutenant." She announced softly, holding the tray up in triumph, before lowering it down on Matt's desk.

"Thanks." Matt nodded, forcing a smile onto his lips, even though that's the last thing he felt like doing. On the inside he really did appreciate the food, he just felt to exhausted to show it more.

"You okay, Lieutenant Casey?" Kidd asked, tilting her head. It was asked out of politeness, and because everyone in the firehouse wanted to know the answer, yet there was slight worry edging the confines of her gentle tone. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," Mumbled Matt in reply, another one of those tight lipped smiles making its way to his mouth. "Thanks again for the food." He tacked on, intending a natural end to the conversation.

Stella Kidd looked doubtful at Casey's reply, but she wasn't about to argue. Everybody had their rough times. "Yeah, you bet." She nodded, before making her way out of his office, closing the door on her way out.

Stella, while walking back to the lounge was intercepted by Kelly in the hall. He was holding some papers in his hand, which she assumed were for Boden or something. She didn't really know, but it was probably fancy pants lieutenanty stuff.

"What's up, Lieutenant Severide?" She wondered curiously, accentuating her words with a relaxed wave of her hand. 

"You were just in to see Casey?" Kelly asked gruffly, with no menace. 

"Yeah," Stella nodded, sensing the situation, "I brought him some food."

"Good." Kelly said, nodding his head back at her, an approving look on his face before looking down at his paperwork again and walking off. Stella heard him mumble, "That's very good." under his breath before he was out of earshot from her. She shrugged, a wildly confused look on her face as she went back to the lounge area. Men are so hard to understand.

The rest of shift was pretty uneventful. Matt barely touched the dinner he was given, even though the two or three bites he had managed to eat were rather delicious. He lay on the covers of his bed for a long time, staring up at the ceiling. Not sleeping and not thinking, or at least, trying not to think. He was almost wishing he were on a call right now, the beat of adrenaline flowing through the veins, the heat of fire, the burn of muscles being pushed to the brink. At least he wouldn't be doing nothing, and in fact, he would be very helpful if he were out there fighting fires. But no call came throughout the long night. 

Matt was up and about before anyone else. He hadn't slept a wink during the night, the hours seemed to turn into days and for all he knew, he could've been awake for weeks. He felt like a zombie, but he was making coffee now, and he imagined that would help the situation greatly. Nothing like a caffeine kick to start your day. He followed the usual routine. First, empty the old grounds, put the new filter in the holder, fill it with fresh coffee grounds, rinse out the pot, add new water, and voila. Then it was just a matter of pushing the start button and waiting patiently for the heavenly smell to waft up to your nose. Which he did, and then he was blessed enough to enjoy his first coffee of the day all by himself. Matt sat gingerly on the counter in the kitchen, all alone. He noticed that the sun wasn't even up yet, that's how early it was, but he didn't mind. This was so much nicer than pointlessly lying awake in bed for no apparent reason.

Matt was on his second coffee before he had heard footsteps coming towards the kitchen. Matt didn't look up from where he was, just focused on the swirling of his coffee. He heard someone grab a coffee of their own, and then he heard the footsteps get closer to him.

It was Kelly. He was leaning against a shelf, watching Matt. "Goodmorning."

"Morning." Matt mumbled barely audibly, his sore excuse for a reply.

Kelly wasn't sure what to say. Now that he had finally found Matt all by himself, he wondered whether he should just go back to being an ass or if he shouldn't. Kelly's whole heart and half of his brain was telling him to go the soft, caring route, but the rest of him remembered all the reasons why he was currently at odds with Matt. Needlessly to say, among Kelly's mental turmoil and indecisiveness, Kelly was completely silent for a while.

When he did speak, he had meant to come off as gentle, but by the time the words got from the good side of his brain to his mouth, they were a little rougher than intended.

"What was your problem yesterday?" 

Matt's head snapped up, a mix of hurt and confusion coming to his face, before he somehow hid that away and tried adopting a blank expression. It was a well-done expression shift, but Kelly noticed the change. 

"Sorry?" Was the only response Matt could come up with. He was feigning confusion, and he was pretty sure Kelly knew that, but he didn't know what else to say.

This took Kelly a bit of guard, he had thought Matt would be honest with him, of all people, "You were hiding in your office almost the whole time, everybody thinks you have a problem." 

This is around the time where Matt would usually get extremely defensive and bothered, but he had no energy to fight right now. 

"Sorry, Sev... I'll try better next shift." Matt said softly, inwardly cringing at how easily he had given in. But he just couldn't have another thing on his mind, weighing him down and making him feel like shit. With his words, he slid off the counter, standing back up on the floor, before putting his empty cup in the sink and walking back to his office.

He left Kelly feeling very confused and taken aback. Never ever had he seen his coworker of many years give in to something so quickly or easy. This was very concerning to Kelly, because it showed exactly just how bad of a spot Matt was in. Kelly shook his head in disbelief, before washing his and Matt's used mugs, drying them and putting them in their designated spot. Matt was back in his office, wondering how a good start to the day was so easily ruined by such a small encounter. 

Soon enough, shift was over and all the firefighters at 51 parted ways as the next shift came in. Matt, of course, remembered his promise to himself the afternoon before, about getting piss drunk. So without further adieu, he hopped in his truck, beelining for home. Just as he had recalled, he had two 40s in his cupboard. Perfect. He went through one in no time, and he was already feeling quite influenced, so naturally he opened the other one and downed it too, taking much more time this time around though. By the end of it he was quite drunk and only a couple of hours had went by. Matt figured that perhaps he would be able to sleep a little now that he would have no terrible thoughts keeping him awake. Therefore he stumbled his way upstairs to his bedroom, throwing the door open, before using it for balance. Matt stumbled, his head felt heavy and his mind heavier. His tired, achy body tripped into his bed, clumsily trying for about five minutes to get the bedsheets and blanket sorted out, before giving up and just wrapping himself up in the blankets like a burrito, and flopping into the centre of the bed.

He was hoping to have been asleep by the time three hours had gone by. But no, he was still awake, his head barely poking out of the blankets. Matt had felt like throwing up for a while now, and had been constantly battling his body by doing his best to will away the puke. Mind over matter, they say. And Matt had had high hopes to do just that, but by the way things were going, his bedsheets would be covered in vomit in no time.

Matt decided that the bathroom was a better place to hang out for now. Ditching the blankets, he began his journey a couple of doors down the hall. He tripped over something in the hallway, a box of some sort he imagined, though it could've been an octopus for all he cared. Because he face planted onto his hardwood floor, he knocked his head against the door frame of the bathroom, and landed harshly on his shoulder. He let out a cry of pain at the disaster, laying in a haze on the cold floor for a few sweet moments, before crawling to the toilet. It was just in time, because as soon as he reached the white porcelain toilet, the contents of his stomach made it's way unpleasantly up and out of his system. After he threw up a couple more times, nothing left in him, he took a moment to notice his bloody nose. Probably from his fall. Matt also noted the pounding sensation in his head, some of which he knew was the alcohol, but he was aware that he had also bumped his head, and he was pretty sure that that was bleeding too. 

Right now though, it was a hell of a terrible time to care about such things. He was still beyond drunk, and he can't remember the last time he had felt this bad. Matt couldn't handle it anymore, he curled his bleeding and sore body into a ball on the floor, and he passed out.

 


	2. Seeking Sanctuary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where it begins to get a little graphic and self harm comes into play. Just a heads up for those who need it!

This is how Kelly found him hours later when he decided to stop at Matt's on his way home. Kelly had texted Matt a couple times throughout the day, and he hadn't replied. He witnessed the day Matt had had earlier, which just made him more anxious. Naturally he was a little worried, so he just wanted to check up on him. He assumed Matt was home when he seen the blonde's truck in the driveway. So, when there wasn't any answer at the door, Kelly let himself in using the spare key.

He was glad he had, because Matt seemed to be in really bad shape. There was blood all over the bathroom, and the place smelled like a bar. 

"Shit. Matty, what did you do..?" Kelly whispered, checking the unconscious body on the floor for a pulse. Thankfully he found one nearly right away, and it was steady. Kelly looked at the bloody nose Matt had, which had seemed to have stopped at this point. He took a cloth, wetted it with some warm water, and wiped away the blood. Most of the blood was dark and dried up already, making Kelly wonder how long he'd been passed out. Kelly noticed that Matt also had a scrape on the side of his head; it seemed pretty superficial from what he could tell, therefore he cleaned it and raided the first aid kit for a bandage. After washing Matt up to the best of his abilities, he used all his power to gently lift the man up, carrying him over to his bedroom. Kelly place the blonde onto the mattress carefully, pulling the covers over him. He then went and cleaned the rest of the bathroom up, scrubbing the blood off the toilet and floor. Even cleaning up the puke that hadn't quite made it into the toilet bowl.

Kelly wasn't sure what to make of the picture he had walked into. The picture of his best friend lying on the cold tile floor, passed out, drunk, and seemingly very hurt. He was terrified. What wasn't Matt telling him, what was going on? Kelly pulled up a chair by Matt's bed, aiming to keep an eye on him while he slept, just to make sure he was going to continue staying alive. He was still passed out, but he seemed to be slowly coming to. 

Kelly watched as Matt gingerly opened his eyes, squinting as the bright light coming from the ceiling light made it's way to his eyes. Kelly decided that since Matt probably had a mighty bad hangover at this point, he should turn off the lights. 

"Thanks." Matt grumbled as darkness took over.

Kelly wasn't sure if the 'thank you' was for being there, or turning off the light. Maybe it was both, there was no way to tell. But that was the least of his concerns.

Kelly made his way back to the chair, confusion overriding every sane sense his body was telling him.

"What's going on, Case?" Kelly asked, knowing he likely wouldn't get an answer. The man in bed seemed pretty out of it from what he could tell.

"Too many dead people." Matt said softly, still a little tipsy. He rolled from his back onto his side, followed by a big yawn.

The dark-haired lieutenant frowned, the words sounding morbid as they echoed through his ears. His concern for the other man just about doubled. It was something they all faced as firefighters, but Kelly knew that everyone was affected by it differently.

"You okay?" Were the words that finally came from Kelly's mouth after a few minutes, but he was simply met with snores. 

Kelly figured his presence was no longer needed, so he made for the front door to let himself out. His drive back home seemed long in his eyes, though in reality it took no longer than normal. His mind was plagued by all kinds of thoughts regarding his fellow lieutenant. He wished there was more he could do. But what was there? 

When Matt woke up, some time in the middle of the next morning. He had a hangover to trump all hangovers. One of the worst he'd had in a while. But he popped a few ibuprofen and chugged a glass of water, hoping for a small victory. He groaned as the sunlight streaming through the kitchen windows met his poor eyes. Needless to say, the blinds were closed a few moments later. He wasn't hungry but he knew he should eat. Then again, since when had he been caring about himself? He didn't deserve all the luxuries he had. Matt reached up to run a hand through his hair, interested when he felt a bandage of some sort. Must've banged himself up last night. But where did the bandage come from? Matt wondered curiously, though he simply pinned it on being a smart drunk, and knowing where he kept the first aid kid.

Matt braved the light and peeked around one of the blinds. It was a beautiful sight, really. The sun was bright and it's golden rays floated and fell across the streets and on the roofs of quaint houses. There were birds singing to each other as they perched themselves on the power lines. Normally this sight would warm his heart a little; he used to love that kind of thing... But now, Matt just felt grey. He was numb in every meaning of the word.

A sad sigh escaped Matt's lips as he collapsed on a chair by the kitchen table. He wanted to _feel_ again, he wanted to be  _happy_ , and  _enjoy_  life. The bright energetic colour and all the nice sounds that had once been the norm, silently eluded him. Lately, he hadn't even been able to get out of bed without feeling like the world was crushing down around him. The smoky haze clutching his very being at the heart, not letting go, making him feel like an emotionless robot. Every day was a new challenge, and not in a good way. Going through the motions seemed to be the only way he could manage to get through the days recently. The world was grey and black, and he couldn't see any different. Matt wasn't proud of himself. Usually he kept up a pretty good face, tried his best to act like the cheery lieutenant that he used to be. Yet, yesterday had seemed to be the last drop in the bucket and he couldn't do it. He had made his best effort, but everything was getting to him, slashing his soul one call at a time.

Matt looked up at the clock that was on his wall. A creepy cat clock that he'd gotten from an old lady one time after he had saved 13 of her cats from burning to a crisp. Every hour, it would chime once, followed by a robotic meow. He had found it so weird to have around at first, but it had kinda grown on him over the years, and he didn't think he'd ever get rid of it. Much to the dismay of Kelly, who grimaced whenever it went off. Matt smiled, remembering the first time it had chimed when Kelly was over having a beer and watching the game. It had been a quiet night, their favourite team was losing, though there was enough beer to keep them happy. Then suddenly the cat clock went off, and Matt didn't notice because it had become a normal sound to him, a white noise, but Kelly just about jumped halfway across the room, spilling his beer all over his shirt. Matt had laughed so hard that evening, they were up half the night just watching tv and hanging out. Those were good times, Matt sweetly recalled. Better than now. Better than the last 6 months of his piece of shit life. The feeling of numbness flowed over his entire being as he thought about everything. His heart felt heavy, dragging his entire body down with the feeling of dull sadness. His brain, his mind, his emotions, all hazing over with a cloudy glaze that he could barely navigate through. This happened a lot, but he had ways to fix it. Matt turned to his go-to method. 

There were sharp razors in the bathroom cupboard. They were shiny, they were the sharpest thing in the house, and they made him feel better. Matt never thought he'd be the one to ever resort to anything like this, he always thought he was so strong. But he had discovered that that definitely wasn't the case. Matt was weak, his strength waned on a day to day basis. He wasn't worth anything anyways. Matt had lately been finding himself feeling alone. He was alone in a crowd, alone when he was with someone, and alone whenever he was at work. Matt pulled the razor blade from the shelf in the cupboard of his bathroom. He flipped it around in his hands a few times, watching the shiny reflection move around the cold steel. Matt sat on the tile floor, it was cold to the touch, just like the blade. Pulling down his pants, as was his general routine when it came to this kind of thing, he set the blade against the skin of his thigh. There were scars upon scars there already, some old, some newer, but yet they were all masks of the problems he had. He relished in the feel of the blade breaking into his skin, wincing as he pulled a straight line about two inches in length on the side of his thigh. A sigh of relief washed through him as he pulled away the sharp razor. Finally, once again he felt..  _something_. Even if it was the feeling of pain, for a few minutes he wouldn't be numb, he was actually feeling a human feeling again and it was  _bliss_. Maybe he'd only need to do one cut to get through this moment of weakness, but maybe he would feel like doing a little more damage. 

This is how desperate Matt was to feel. This is how much he wanted to experience a sensation besides numbness. He looked down to his leg. He was always fascinated by the sight of bright red blood coming to the surface of his skin and following gravity's incessant pull, down to the pure white tile floor. The contrast of the velvety metallic liquid and his pale skin was always striking to him, always made him think. Thinking is a good thing, sure. But then you get to the point where you're thinking thinking thinking.  _Just overthinking_. Your brain is exploding with all the thoughts and you burn out. You think about just how many people hate you, your mind goes into overdrive about wanting to cut, wanting yourself to suffer for what you did, or didn't do. Thinking it's the only way to cope, thinking that may you should just cut a little deeper and end it all.

Whoever said monsters are under you bed, obviously wasn't depressed. Because the way Matt seen it, the monsters were inside his head.

A few long minutes passed. The feeling of pain was slowly subsiding though still there, but the bleeding had since crawled to a stop. Matt decided to stop for now, even though most of himself wanted to make another cut, feel the burn of another break in his soft skin. He willed himself to stand up, wincing at the pinch of the latest addition to his scar collection. His next step was to bandage himself up so he didn't bleed through his pants, then he had to clean up the blood.

No one knew he did things like this, but no one needed to know either. It could wreck him. What would people think? Or _do_ , for that matter. 

Matt frowned as he looked himself in the mirror. 

"The hell am I doing?" He said out loud to himself, like the reflection in the mirror was another person. Some one who knew better, made greater choices, lived a better life. Matt was starting to scare himself with all the thoughts his mind was coming up with. He wished a lot of suffrage and pain upon himself, maybe too much, he saw that. But he couldn't change, he didn't feel like he could muster up enough energy to do so. He already used all of the energy he had in constructing walls and the mask he wore so carefully. 

Matt took one more look at the bandage on his leg, before gingerly pulling up his pants, hiding his turmoil from the world. Looking at his phone, he noted that he had the rest of today to do something with his life before his next shift started. Though, he wasn't feeling too ambitious.


	3. Convenient Inconveniences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has been reading this and writing me some lovely comments so far! Very much appreciated! Enjoy this next chapter! :) xxx

A buzz from his phone shook him from his inward planning. It was a text from Severide, asking him if he was alive. Confused, Matt opened up the message and noticed that he had missed quite a few texts from the other lieutenant throughout the day yesterday while he had been getting piss drunk. Whoops. Matt texted Kelly back, "I'm alive. Sorry I missed all those texts, I was doing some construction work."

Meanwhile, Kelly, who was still laying in bed at home began to feel confused. He knew for a fact, that there was no way Matt had left his house once yesterday to go to do any construction. But why lie? Curiosity came over Kelly as he wondered how much Matt remembered from last night. Obviously not much. From what he could tell, Matt didn't remember that Kelly was over. And maybe it was better that way, at least Matt wouldn't have to be embarrassed about the entire ordeal. Still, what could be so bad that he couldn't even tell Kelly about it? This made the next shift all the more interesting.

 

The alarm shrieked and all the firefighters knew what was coming.

"Accident. 665 Clark Street. Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61." Came the sound of the dispatchers voice, loud and clear.

Everyone had a determined look on their face as they quickly loaded up the trucks and raced off towards their destination. The traffic was an absolute nightmare, so it was taking more time to get to the accident than anyone was comfortable with. The horn of Truck 81 was nearly constant, warning civilians of their urgent need to get through quickly. There were so many cars on the road that barely anyone could even pull over to let the firetrucks and ambo through. Talk about a traffic jam. The drivers of both trucks were cursing their way through the roads, weaving in and out of traffic when they could. Casey shook his head, this was ridiculous, even for rush hour. And it wasn't even rush hour, that was the crazy part. It was some time mid morning, yet the roads were busier than they'd be if one direction was playing a concert from a nearby rooftop. 

It seemed like hours before they were finally able to make it to their instructed location, and when they did, nearly all the firefighters did a double take. Here, in the middle of a side street, was an ice-cream truck that had one of those fake upside-down ice-cream cones on the roof. Except this wasn't your average summer treat. No, impaled on this cone was a young man, probably in his twenties. The point of the cone went straight through his abdomen and poked out from his the small of his back. It was a gnarly sight if the crews of firehouse 51 had ever seen one. 

Casey was the first to start shooting orders at his men, though Kelly wasn't too far behind. Cruz swung the ariel towards the cone, which gave them a bit of leverage. Casey was leading off, throwing instructions to the firefighters around him. Their first plan was to stabilize this poor guy with a shit ton of gauze. He didn't seem to be bleeding too bad, but he knew that if they tried to lift him off the peak of the metal cone, the chances of him bleeding out were very high. They wanted to avoid having to do that if they could, because they definitely didn't have the kind of equipment to here they would need in order to save him. 

"Sev! I'm gonna need a sawzall up here!" Casey yelled down to the ground as he worked with his men to keep this guy from further impalement. Severide moved quickly, and it was only seconds before he joined his fellow lieutenant on the roof and began sawing off the section of corrugated metal beneath the man. This was then speedily followed by the pointed, and very bloody, tip. Using extreme caution, they strapped a C-collar on and got him onto a backboard. With some seasoned communication, Herrmann and Mouch carefully lowered him from their position on the roof, down to Otis and Capp, who placed the board on the gurney. Brett and Dawson made quick work of getting him ready for transport, and soon they were on their way to Chicago Med. Together, the firefighters cleaned up what they could, making quick work of the rest of the call. 

Severide had been keeping an eye on Casey since the moment he stepped into the station this morning. He wasn't sure what was going on but he was damn right going to figure it out. Casey seemed to handle the call okay as far as Severide could tell, but he felt like Matt was hiding something. He absently wondered what was going on that mind of his.

The trucks fought their way back through traffic, it was just as busy as when they had been trying to get to the accident. It was worse now though, since they didn't even have the luxury of lights and sirens to speed up their journey. 

"Damn. The hell is with this traffic?" Severide mused aloud to his men.

Nobody really responded, not only because they didn't know the answer, but also because they could sense the tension nearly vibrating off their lieutenant's turnout gear. There wasn't a soul who wanted to be on the wrong side of Severide when he was like this. Therefore they stayed quiet and kept their heads down until the truck rumbled to a halt inside the firehouse. 

All the firefighters working under Severide and Casey, went into the kitchen to raid the cupboards for some food, since it was past lunch time. But the two lieutenants lingered in the truck bay. Neither of the two men had finished taking their turnout gear off. Casey was standing without his jacket, but his turnout pants remained on, the straps sitting at his sides. His hair was all messy from his hat, and Kelly kinda decided that he liked when it was like that. The two of them stood by the big open doors of the fire house, taking in the scent of fresh air. 

"How's your head?" Kelly asked gingerly, he hadn't meant to think out loud, but here he was.

Startled slightly, Matt looked over to the dark-haired man, "Ehhm, fine." Matt lied through his teeth, both the scrape, plus his run in with the doorframe, and a residual headache from his second hangover made him feel like his head was about to explode. Except, he hadn't told anyone about that, so he was unsure how Kelly had figured it out.

Another question fell from Kelly's lips before he had a chance to think about what he was saying. "You okay?" 

Matt opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but stopped before any words came out. His heart dropped as he realized that for the first time in a long time, someone was actually asking him if he was okay. These were words he hadn't heard directed at him for so long that he didn't know how to react. Matt wasn't sure of the sense of okay that Kelly was asking about, but he wanted to share, he wanted to not have to carry this burden around by himself anymore. Except he couldn't bear to do anything like that. His depression and all the other shit going on in his brain was not Kelly's problem.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Instant regret from Matt as he said the words. He wished more than anything that this wasn't how it had to be, but he had to protect himself. Hold himself together for the better good of everyone involved. Matt had to make sure that he always kept the mask up and not let anyone tear it down. It was critical to all involved, that Matt was a stable, reliable, strong person.

Kelly nodded as his eyes shifted to the ground. Unsure what to say next, he shoved his hands in his pockets. What else could he do?

He heard Matt's footsteps move towards the kitchen to join the other guys after getting rid of the rest of his turnout gear. Kelly made sure to keep his gaze on the floor, because who knew what he would do if he caught a glimpse of those sad eyes just one more time. Though Matt was walking away, Kelly could tell that Matt was overthinking things, his fading footsteps were slow and unsure as he walked away, almost as if he didn't want to leave Kelly, but felt he couldn't stay around longer. In reality, the thoughts running through Matt's head were mainly about how much he wanted to 'fess up and just tell someone how he was feeling. But he was fine how he was, he didn't need help, and he surely didn't need to worry anyone with his issues.

Matt slowly browsed around the kitchen, grabbing himself a coffee before going to his office. Thankful for another caffeine kick to help his system get rebooted. He walked through his familiar route to get to his office, mindlessly wondering if he should have changed his words to Severide. If there was one person in the entire world that Matt would ever let past the walls that he had so carefully built up, Kelly was the guy, there was no question in that. Yet, he couldn't bear the disappointed look Kelly's eyes would have, if pathetic Matt had told him about his stupid depression. No, that's one thing that would destroy Matt, he didn't even want to think about it.

Matt was pleased to see a decent stack of papers on his desk, boring reports and paperwork he would have to go through for most of the afternoon. He'd be busy and he was looking forward to it already. Justification for his introverted ways had just arrived. He got to work right away.

Kelly also had a stack of paperwork on his desk, though he was much less enthused than Matt. In fact, he was positively dreading all of it. But it was part of the job, so he would dedicate himself to it just like he would with any other part of being a firefighter. By the time Kelly, between all of his distractions and coffee breaks, finished his paperwork and did some extra jobs around the house, it was beginning to get dark outside. The sun had gone down and night was settling in to the city of Chicago. Now that he had nothing to do besides hangout with the gang, time went even faster. It wasn't long before most of them were heading to sleep. Kelly was the last one to go, but on his way back to the office, he noticed that Matt's desk light was still on. Usually he was fast asleep by this late hour, not that Kelly kept tabs or anything.

Nonetheless, Kelly decided to pay Matt a visit. He quietly knocked on the door before opening it and letting himself in. The lighting was dim because it was only the desk light, but he could still see Matt's figure clearly sitting on the side of his bed, his head in his hands. Startled by Kelly for the second time that day, Matt's head shot up and glanced up at the other lieutenant.

"What can I do for you?" Matt spoke softly, his voice was tired and Kelly could tell that something was wrong. 

Pulling the chair from the desk over so it was closer to Matt, Kelly sat down. He wasn't sure where to start, or where this would end, but he had to go from somewhere. Kelly studied Matt, noted how his eyes portrayed immense tiredness, and how his usual smile was replaced by an emotionless expression. 

"You're not asleep." Kelly started, hoping Matt would carry the conversation from there.

"Neither are you." Dead end.

Kelly attempted once again, "You're tired."

"You are too." Replied Matt, rubbing a hand over his weary face, trying to bring some life back into it.

"You're not okay." Kelly nearly pleaded the statement, like he was trying to convince Matt. Like the blonde didn't know how he was feeling and Kelly had to spell it out for him, even though that was definitely not the case. He hoped to hell and back that Matt wouldn't deflect this one back, but his hopes were apparently too high. 

"You're not oka-"

"No. Stop." Kelly's tone was firm, but not loud as he looked at Matt, "What's wrong, Case?"

Matt looked like he was finally about to tell him, the words were just about to come out his mouth. It seemed as though maybe, just maybe, Matt was finally going to let Kelly in. But they were both interrupted.

"Building fire. 798 Clayton. Truck 81. Squad 3. Ambulance 61."  
  
  


After the long call, the rest of the night was thankfully pretty uneventful. Kelly wished to go back to Matt's office, but he didn't want to test his luck. He was afraid that Matt would shut him out if he pushed too hard all at once. So, he let it be for now, instead focusing on trying to get some sleep. Except it was hard, because all he could think about was Matt.

Matt once again didn't sleep at all during the endless night. He wanted nothing more than to waltz over to Kelly's office and finally tell him the truth, but there was no way he had the balls to do that, at least not right now. He spent the night tossing and turning, trying to figure out what to do. Just as the shift prior, he was the first one up and had his first morning coffee all to himself. He was on his second cup when people started following the scent of coffee and making their way into the kitchen area. He kept trying to see if Kelly would emerge through the doors, but even after everyone else was up and awake, he still hadn't come around. Even though Matt felt there was no reason to be, he was worried about the dark-haired man. Usually he was one of the first ones up and awake. So, even though it wasn't necessary, Matt may have walked over in the general direction of the offices. He was just peeking in on Kelly, he saw the form on the bed. But what if he was like, dead or something? He should just make sure he was  _breathing_... Or at least, that was Matt's logic for going into the office and making his way to Kelly's bed. 

Kelly woke at the footsteps, and grunted when he seen Matt's face. In his sleepy daze, Kelly raised an arm in the air as a greeting, before letting it flop back down against the mattress. Matt  _nearly_  laughed. 

"Just checking if you're still alive." Matt whispered loudly, a smile still on his face.

"Is it late?" Kelly asked quietly, traces of sleep still evident in his voice.

"Shifts over in," Matt checked his watch, "32 minutes." 

Kelly shot up, quickly getting ready for the day. Matt did have to laugh this time, Kelly was going haywire over sleeping in a little bit, he was all in a rush over nothing and it was hilarious.

Then Matt realized, this is the first time he had laughed in weeks, perhaps months. He almost wanted to cry at that, out of happiness this time though, not sadness like every other time. And maybe he did shed a tear or two, but he made sure Kelly didn't witness that.

Matt also realized, that perhaps he shouldn't get so drunk again on his days off. So he swore off alcohol for a while. Vowing not to take another drink until his depression subsided, because that was a terrible combination. He spent his day out on an actual construction gig this time. This gig consisted of helping his next door neighbour, the sweetest elderly woman he'd ever met, put up some shelves in her home. His pay for the job? A home cooked meal, something that was a rarity for him.

The shelves didn't take long to install, and once they were up, he helped Elena fill them up with her collection of boat related knick-knacks. It was quite a collection indeed, boat replicas of all sizes, ship-in-a-bottle's that had been her late-husband's creations, and all kinds of other neat nautical things. 

Elena was a kind old lady, she had short grey hair, glasses, and her fashion sense was beyond her years, in Matt's opinion. When he told her that, she had had quite a good chuckle. After they finished the job, they sat down at her kitchen table as they sipped at the tea she had kindly prepared.

"How did you meet?" Asked Matt, as they talked about her late husband John.

"Oh," She said, a grin spreading across her face as she recalled the fond memory, "We met at this little grocery market in the small town we both lived in, I thought he was a rather dashing young man. He didn't have the balls to ask me out though, I had to ask him!" She laughed, her eyes crinkling up with happiness.

Matt smiled, "How did you know he was the one?" He pondered further, taking a sip of the perfectly steeped tea.

"Well, you know, I think it was the first time we kissed," Elena said sweetly, "I felt something in that moment, a magical feeling, my stomach was turned upside down and there were butterflies everywhere. That made me just realize, it was him."

"I hope one day I get that," Matt mused, finishing off his tea.

"You will, Matt," Was the reply that came from Elena confidently, "You'll meet the right one soon." 

"Hope so," Matt grinned, standing up and giving Elena a great big bear hug. 

Elena walked over to the fridge, "Thanks for your help today, I appreciated it so much!" She pulled out a casserole dish which was covered in aluminum foil. Elena handed it to Matt, "350 degrees for about 30 minutes." She nodded, the smile never leaving her face.

Matt couldn't help but returning the smile, there was just something about this woman. She was too good for this dreadful world, but Matt was glad she was around anyways. Matt said goodbye and gave her another hug before he left again, walking the short distance to his own place. 

He placed his supper in the fridge. Noting that it was only lunch time. Matt decided that perhaps he would do something else productive today, but he didn't know what. After much mental deliberation, he decided to go out on a run. Runs weren't generally his thing, but right now he was on a high. For the first time in a while he wasn't hating himself or his life as much as he usually did. So, after quickly putting on some sneakers, shorts and a hoodie, he was out the door. Matt began with a slow pace, deciding he wouldn't take it too hard today, since he hadn't been on a run in a long time. 

It felt good to get his legs moving, even though they were a bit rusty. He took a deep breath of the fresh air around him, enjoying the feeling of the sun on his back. Surprisingly, Matt was actually feeling good today, like really good. He was in a good mood and he was running, of all things. The trees looked happy as they swayed in the cool fall breeze, the leaves were falling from the trees in a delicate manner, landing on the ground without a sound. There were other people around, also enjoy the outdoors. Matt ran and ran, not too fast, not too slow. It was good, and he was actually doing well for the first time in a while.

Until about 38 minutes into the run. That's of course when the monsters started creeping back into his mind. They didn't do much harm at first but then they started to make him remember what it felt like to be crushed by himself. Pain sprouted from the very earth of his core, growing like a weed and planting itself everywhere it could fit. Of course, this wasn't a physical pain, but it may as we'll have been. Matt felt as though his chest was tightening and his deep dark blood crept slowly through his veins, weighing down every square inch of his being. His mind was under attack from all angles, the cloud of thunder reigned down upon him, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. The dull hurt of every person he couldn't save flashed before his eyes, and all he could see was red. 

Matt ran harder. Faster, trying to get away from it all. Trying to pull the emergency shut down button so he could forget it all. He attempted to focus everything he had into running, so that not one square inch of himself was left alone and vulnerable. 

Step.

His foot hit the ground again.

Step.

The other foot hit the ground a millisecond later.

Step.

He was running faster than he'd ever ran in his life.

Step.

He was trying to fight the demon that was bringing all this unwanted shit to the surface. 

Step. 

Trying not to trip over himself as his legs burned in pain.

Step.

His lungs were fighting for air, his breathing was heavy.

Step.

Matt felt anguish and sadness everywhere, every cell in his body, full of it.

Step.

He didn't even know where he was going anymore.

Step.

He was losing the battle.

Fall.

Matt tripped, his body throwing itself violently onto the ground. He skidded to a halt after the momentum drug him a few feet ahead. 

It was over. His mental attack was over.

The pain he was feeling on the inside switched to numbness, and he was back to his regular self. Or, at least what had constituted as regular during the past while.

Matt tried to take deep breaths, attempting to control his bout of hyperventilation as he pulled himself to his knees. He looked down at himself and found that he had scraped himself up pretty badly, especially on his legs and arms, but somehow, during the chaos he managed to protect his head. Matt stood on shaky legs, his muscles throwing out everything they had in order to stay upright and not give out. Matt winced as he turned around and began walking in the direction of his home. Damn. Twisted ankle was mostly likely the case, as Matt stumbled from the pain on his left leg. He was too far away from home to walk all the way back there, and he didn't have money so he couldn't call a cab.

Matt was royally screwed.

He looked around at where he was, only to realize he was near Severide's place. How he had missed that, he didn't know. But now that he had his head in the right place, he went about limping towards the other lieutenants house. It took him a while, between pauses of relief and stumbles caused by his ankle, but he eventually made it to the doorstep of Kelly's place.

He knocked on the door lightly, hoping to hell he was home so he could borrow some cash and get a cab. Thankfully, Severide was there, and he opened the door shortly. Inside, Kelly was horrified at the sorry looking sight of Matt. His legs were all scraped up and dripping blood, he seemed to be in a lot of pain, and from what he could tell, he was injured.

"Come in." Kelly offered quickly, opening the door further.

"Nah, I don't want to be a bother," Matt laughed through the pain as best he could, "I just need borrow some money to call a cab, I'll pay you back as soon as I can." He rambled, obviously embarrassed as he scratched the back of his head, looking down to the ground.

"Case."

Matt looked up and met Kelly's worried gaze, "Get in here."

Matt didn't have it in him to decline the offer, so he slowly limped through the doorway.

Kelly closed the door behind after he got in. 

"What happened to you?" Kelly asked in wonder, looking Matt up and down for what must have been the sixth time.

"Went for a run. Tripped." Replied the man of seemingly few words. Matt left out the part where he had an overwhelming panic attack related to his anxiety and depression, which is what probably caused his fall.

"Ouch." Kelly winced as he imagined what an intense fall that must've been, in order for the blonde to get marks like that. 

Matt simply nodded, trying to hold back the flash of pain from his features.

"Alright, man." Kelly began, making a plan, "So, why don't you get in the shower and clean all that blood off first." 

Confusion was evident in Matt's face as soon as his eyes shot up to meet Kelly's.

"I'll grab you some clothes. When you're done, I'll have a look at that ankle." Kelly nodded, looking over to Matt for affirmation.

"You don't have to do th-"

"I know," Kelly interrupted Matt before he could finish his statement, "Now, get in the damn shower." Kelly said with a laugh.

Matt nearly smiled as he shook his head knowingly, heading toward the bathroom, taking it one limp at a time. His shower wasn't long by any means, and he was out in good time. He dried himself off and tied the towel across his waist. As soon as Matt emerged from the steamy room, he seen Kelly walking toward him with a small pile of clothes in his hand. 

"Here, these are for you." Kelly handed him the stack, and gave Matt a clap on the shoulder.

Matt thanked him softly, walking back into the bathroom to change. He couldn't let anyone see the scars, so he never ever dressed in front of anyone. Matt made sure all the bleeding on his legs had stopped before he pulled on the comfy joggers, and t-shirt that belonged to Kelly. They even smelled just like him.

Matt left the bathroom and walked over to where Kelly was watching TV in the living room, Matt flopped on the couch beside him, the weariness of his body catching up with him. 

"Feel any better?" Kelly asked softly, his eyes staying trained on the baseball game he seemed half-invested in.

Matt nodded and grunted an affirmative. Kelly stood up and moved to the coffee table across from the couch, sitting there as he patted his lap. Matt took that as a hint for him to show Kelly the ankle, so he did so without further hesitation.

After Matt set his ankle on the lap of the man opposite of him, Kelly looked it over gently, feeling for anything out of place. Matt couldn't help but notice how warm Kelly's hands were, they made his skin tingle wherever they made contact. Kelly pulled a first aid kit out from underneath the coffee table, opening it and pulling out a compression bandage. He silently wrapped the swollen and painful ankle. He finished without a word and carefully rested Matt's leg on the coffee table, afterwards deciding to put a pillow under it to make it more comfortable.

Kelly stood, nodding at his work. "That should do for now, I'll have to check on that again later." He informed Matt, resting his hands on his hips.

"Thanks, Sev." Matt looked up at the dark-haired man, hoping he could see how much he genuinely appreciated the care. 

Kelly smiled using his trademark grin, before walking towards the kitchen. Matt heard the refrigerator door open and then silence for a moment, before Kelly call out, "Want a beer?"

Remembering his recent vow of sobriety, Matt figured it would be best to decline, "I'm good." He said back, as he massaged his right shoulder. Must've pulled something when he fell. 

"Coffee?" Kelly countered, hoping he could get the other man something.

A soft, "Sure." Escaped Matt's lips, he could go for some of his beloved caffeine.

He heard the sounds of cupboard doors opening and closing, coffee being brewed to perfection, and the Kelly's soft humming as he worked effortlessly in the kitchen. Matt trained his weary eyes onto the screen of the tv, watching people throw, hit, and catch the baseball with trained ease. It was quite an interesting skill. He wondered if that's what people thought when they seen how efficient him and his team could get through a smoke-filled house.

His thought process was interrupted by a fresh, steaming cup of joe being presented to him. He grabbed the cup appreciatively. Kelly smiled and sat down next to Matt. They finished watching the game and then switched the channel to some murder show, which was about some idiot who had got involved in a hit and run. Bastard had crashed into a minivan with a stolen car, a beautiful classic Mustang. Kelly cringed at the thought of that happening to his own car. They sipped their coffee and intently watched the show. Then they watched another show, and another. Soon enough it was around supper time so Kelly ordered a pizza for the two of them, and it was no time before they were munching on very delicious, cheesy goodness. Kelly was the only one still watching tv after a while, he knew this because he started to feel a weight on his right shoulder and could only assume Matt was fast asleep. Kelly was secretly pleased with himself. It hadn't seemed like Matt had been getting much sleep lately, so this was a small victory. 

As carefully and stealthily as he could, Kelly gently pulled himself away from Matt and helped let his sleeping form down on the soft cushions of the long grey couch. Kelly carefully pulled Matt's legs up onto the cushions too, so that the blonde was laying lengthwise on the couch. Kelly grabbed a soft, warm blanket from the closet and laid it over Matt as silently as he could before clicking the tv off. Surprisingly, Matt was still fast asleep after all this and Kelly had to smile just slightly at the sight. Kelly resumed his quiet motions, clicking off the lights and making his way to his own bedroom. He wasn't really tired yet, so he planned on watching Netflix for a while on his laptop before retiring. He started watching a movie but his mind wasn't really in it. The only thing he could think about was Matt. The way he'd looked when he stepped into Kelly's house earlier made Kelly wondered what the hell he was missing. What was going on beneath the blonde hair of his fellow lieutenant? He wanted to ask, but he didn't want to be shut out. 

Tomorrow was a new day though, and he planned to find out what was wrong with Matt. And  _maybe_ , Kelly thought, it wouldn't hurt to figure out why his heart did a double flip every time he saw the blonde-haired lieutenant.


	4. Pancakes and Healing

When Matt woke up in the morning, it was to the smell of pancakes and bacon cooking on the stove. He stretched out his tired muscles and sat up, only to catch a glance of Kelly, shirtless, wearing only sweatpants, making breakfast in the kitchen. In his sleepy minded brain fog, his first thought was wishing Kelly could be the first thing he saw everyday. It would surely make him feel somewhat better and safer. But that wasn't something that would ever come true, so he quickly pushed the thought away. 

Kelly glanced over to the couch, noticing that Matt was finally awake. He poured some coffee and brought it over to the other man, before returning to his post at the stove, making sure the food didn't burn. Matt sipped on his favourite part about any morning, sighing contentedly as the hot liquid traveled through his mouth and down his throat. After a few more drinks of the coffee, which he noted, was made exactly the way he liked it. He ventured towards the kitchen, favouring his ankle as it was still quite sore. He looked around at the nice breakfast Kelly had on the go, and even snuck a piece of bacon off the plate. Kelly slapped his hand away playfully, "You can't have any yet."

Matt smiled, a real, genuine, smile. He happily munched on the strip of man's best friend as he watched Kelly flip pancakes. Matt winced slightly at the pain of putting weight on his ankle, so he pushed himself onto the countertop beside the stove, making sure not to burn himself. 

"Thanks. For yesterday.  _For everything_." Matt began sheepishly, looking down to the ground. His slight embarrassment over the entire tripping fiasco was evident. But it was what it was and it could have just as easily happened to anyone else.

Kelly nodded when they made eye contact a minute later. "You would have done the same." He said with a serious look, like he really meant every word. Which, Matt was sure he did. There is no circumstance in which he wouldn't help Kelly out, solicited or unsolicited. 

"I owe you man." Matt assured after a while, playing with his coffee cup in his hands. 

Kelly laughed while he moved things around in the frying pan. "Nah, you don't."

"Tell you what," Matt started, "Tonight, supper, my place. This old lady I did some work for yesterday made me a casserole, I can't eat the whole thing by myself."

Kelly's eyes lit up a little at the idea, "Alright." He agreed happily, as he plated their food and put the plates by the kitchen table. He returned to the stove. "Want some help over?" Kelly offered to Matt, who was still on the counter.

Matt, didn't really need help, he could do it himself. But at the same time, the idea of letting Kelly help him sounded rather appealing. 

"I'm good, thanks." He nodded, deciding that perhaps he would try not to appear as weak as he felt at the moment. So, Matt slid off the counter and made the journey to the table, each step he took, sending a shock of shooting pain through his ankle. Thankfully it was only twisted, or it would hurt much more. 

The two of them nearly immediately dug into their food, wolfing the delicious bacon and pancakes down like they were made of fluffy clouds. Matt was pretty sure he had never tasted something so fantastic in his whole life. He felt content in the moment, sitting next to the other man, eating good food, and fuelled by the first good night sleep he'd had in months. Probably due to the fact that he had actually fallen asleep at a decent time. He almost wanted to thank Kelly for that, because he was pretty sure that he was the reason he had passed out so easily. He had kinda fallen asleep due to the warmth of Kelly's shoulder against his head, which in turn had soothed his mind. Matt recalled that he had matched his breathing to Kelly's which had also helped. But he wasn't about to tell Kelly any of this, he felt embarrassed enough.

Instead, he just kept eating his breakfast, hoping that Kelly wouldn't ask about it either. They mostly ate in silence, Kelly trying to work up the courage to ask about the obvious problems Matt was having, while Matt was figuring out how to suppress his suddenly oncoming mind attack.

Matt could feel the feelings of pain start to creep into the most outer ring of his being. He knew the monsters were crawling towards his heart aswell as his mind, but he couldn't hold them back. 

"Casey?" He heard Kelly's voice call out to him, but he couldn't respond, he was beginning to hyperventilate and his senses were beginning to fade. The dark cloud starting to swoop over him, holding his soul in a death grip that was only getting tighter. His body was betraying him, it was supposed to hold up the walls against the attack, but everything was getting to him. In the moment he was weak. He couldn't help the oncoming rush of emotions and feelings that were barging upon him like an unrelenting attack of an army as big as the world. He felt isolated and alone, just like he always felt during these panic attacks. Except, then he felt. A hand. It was on his face, cupping his cheek. It was  _Kelly's_  hand. It was  _warm_. This hand was joined by another on the opposite cheek. Thumbs wiping away a silent tear or two that fell from Matt's wide eyes.

Kelly's unsure voice was talking to Matt, and though his mind didn't register what he was saying, it was a beacon of light that he could follow. 

"Case?  _Casey_.. Cmon, man. What's wrong, Case!" Kelly was panicking. The other lieutenant had suddenly zoned out and began breathing fast and what the hell was going on right now. Matt was unresponsive and it scared the shit out of Kelly. What the hell was going on.

Matt's mind kept following the steady stream of Kelly's words, focusing on that instead of the monsters. Soon, he was breaching the fortifications of the wave, pushing out of the haze and into Kelly's arms. 

With a small noise reminiscent of a whimper, but not quite so soft, Matt startled himself out of his faded reality and jumped back into the real world.

He waited for the numbness to set in, usually he would already feel his soul turn to a ghost. Yet, nothing happened, he continued to be full of emotion. Matt was perplexed, he had never come out of an attack this quick, and it had barely even hurt that much. Compared to his last one, anyways. Matt was still not numb a minute later, when Kelly, who had been quietly watching Matt, softly asked, "Are you okay?" The concern was dually evident in Kelly's eyes and his voice, giving away the worry that was so obviously turning his insides.

Matt nodded, mortified that Kelly had seen him in such a vulnerable state, yet he couldn't complain about the fact that Kelly had helped him out of it. A tiny glint of hope was now sparkling inside of Matt, despite the less than desirable circumstance. Maybe Kelly could help after all, but yet Matt was still hesitant to let him in, sharing his burden wasn't something he took lightly. Kelly's life was perfectly fine as it was, he didn't need Matt to waltz in and slam his problems down in front of him. 

"Are you sure because-" Kelly started. He was probably going to note the whole breathing thing, and the whole zoned out thing, and obviously the emotionally unstable thing. But Matt cut him short. 

"I'm fine, really. I just.. Ermm.. I just had a pancake go down the wrong hole." Matt tried to put a smile on his face, but they both knew it was forced. Kelly knew Matt's excuse was bullshit, but he knew that to get to the bottom of this, he had to be patient. So he simply nodded and cleaned up their breakfast dishes, a million thoughts running through his mind at a deafening speed.

"Sev." Matt began, his eyes closed, unsure whether he would regret, or be glad about the words he was about to say. "It  _wasn't_ a pancake."

Kelly froze in his tracks, he turned on his heel and set the stack of plates back on the table.

"Okay?" Kelly asked gingerly, knowing he'd have to handle this carefully, so he just waited for Matt to elaborate instead of trying to barrage him with all the questions that were settled on the tip of his tongue.

"A panic attack." Matt felt ashamed, he half expected Kelly just to laugh it off like it was nothing and move on. Or, maybe that's just what Matt wanted. It'd be simpler. Though it'd hurt like hell.

"A panic attack." Kelly stated, like repeating it would make it more understandable. He knew what they were and he knew that they sucked balls, but he was so surprised to hear that Matt had just had one. Although, it made sense now.

"Yeah.." Matt replied, his eyes looking downwards at his hands which he was playing with atop his lap.

"Okay." Kelly nodded, trying to figure out a game plan as quickly as he could. Should he ask more, leave it alone? "Do you... Have them often?" Kelly ventured, hoping he wasn't crossing a line by asking stuff about the panicking.

"Couple times a day.. or night." Matt mumbled, scratched the back of his head as he fought of the urge to let a tear escape his eye. He was so exhausted, mentally and physically, and now he was talking to Kelly about his problems. Something he never thought he would do. He was hardcore stressing out, but he decided just to keep rolling with it.

Kelly shook his head, "I'm sorry.." He whispered, wishing he would have noticed the signs of this terrible thing earlier. Not that he could've done much about it. But at least he would have known.

Matt shrugged, he decided to leave out the whole depression side of things for now, take it one step at a time. There was no rush to unload everything at once, it's not like his depression was going away or anything.

"Is there anything I can do?" Kelly asked sincerely as they washed the breakfast dishes together.

The dreaded question.

There was that forced smile from Matt again. He wasn't about to tell Kelly that maybe he could  _definitely_  help. He wasn't going to let him know that he was pretty sure Kelly had magical healing powers that had made his panic attack less potent. He didn't know what to say, and then all of a sudden he didn't have to worry because Kelly was talking again. 

"I get if you want to deal with this all alone, I do, but please let me help anyway."

Another few words to think about. Consider. Ponder.

Matt broke though, his resolve of keeping to himself melted away and here he was. Standing beside Kelly, the man who had just asked to be let in. And how the hell could Matt say no to that face, the one which simply dripped in deep want for the better good. How could he say no to the possibility of not being alone? He couldn't. That was the answer, straight and simple.

By some damn miracle, the word that Kelly had been hoping to hear came from Matt's mouth, and that was also the moment that Matt felt like maybe, just maybe, he didn't have to do this alone.

"Okay."

Kelly nodded his head, "Thank you." He said softly, a small smile pulling the corners of his lips upwards.

Matt returned the smile, a real one, not forced. He wondered why the hell he hadn't done this earlier because holy shit it felt like his shoulders weren't being pushed into his spine, a weight was lifted, he felt a little loser than he had in a while. Maybe letting Kelly in wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Matt helped Kelly bring the dishes to the kitchen, and together, they did the dishes. It was lighter, their banter was low in quantity, but that which they had was genuine and natural. The tension had greatly lessened and after they soon finished cleaning up.

"Uhm. So, you wanna give me that money for the cab?" Matt asked curiously, his voice giving away his unsureness. He didn't really want to leave, but he didn't want to ruin any plans Kelly might have had. Except the truth was, Kelly's plan for the day involved hanging out with Matt, but he hadn't said that to the blonde haired man.

"I don't mind giving you a ride." Kelly nodded, leaning against the counter. His bright eyes sparkled softly, though somehow, Matt noticed they seemed to be a bit duller than normal. Was that  _his_  fault? Matt wondered.

Matt decided to accept the offer. Figuring it worked best.

"That'd be great." Matt smiled, hoping to hell that he really didn't mind driving him. He would hate to put the other man out of his way.

The drive over seemed short in Matt's eyes. Probably because his mind was so busy thinking of other things. He kept running through the last day, examining everything that had happened. What a confusing turn of events. 

The satisfying purr of Kelly's Mustang soothed Matt in a way, and he felt more relaxed than he had in a while. He looked over to Kelly, just to steal a glance at the man. How the hell was he lucky enough to have a friend like him? It blew Matt's mind while simultaneously making him feel a slight sliver of hopefulness. 

Matt unlocked his front door. Kelly was right behind him, insisting that he make sure he was able to get into his apartment. The door latch clicked and Matt's front door swung open, revealing the neat and orderly living space. Kelly followed Matt in, wanting to get him set up before leaving to go back to his own apartment again.

"You should still keep your ankle elevated," Kelly began. He sorta went into mom mode, helping Matt over to the couch, putting his leg up and placing a pillow underneath it. Matt watched the other man in amusement, holding back a small laugh. "And make sure to stay hydrated," Kelly called from the kitchen as he filled a glass with water, bringing it over to the other man once it was full. He set the glass on the small table beside the couch. 

"Anything else I can get you?" Kelly asked, scratching the back of his head as he looked over everything Matt would need.

Matt smiled slightly, "No," He shook his head softly, "I think I'll be good."

Kelly nodded in affirmation, "Alright." He said, slowly inching toward the door. "I guess I'll.. err..." Kelly looked between the door and Matt, as he kept moving very slowly. "I- .. I suppose I'll just, head out then.." He said, almost to the door.

Matt's smile got a little bigger as he realized what was going on. Amusement played across his features. "Or you can stay." Matt suggested with a raised eyebrow.

That was sort of what Kelly had been playing for, so he happily jogged over to the couch, plopping himself down beside Matt. "Damn, man. I thought you'd never ask." Kelly said, feigning exasperation.

Matt chuckled, flipping through channels trying to find something worth watching. They finally settled on some cliche action movie that was playing. It seemed to be the only good thing on, and they didn't feel like resorting to Netflix yet. That was too many choices for Matt's tired mind.

Though it was only midmorning at the time, Matt was almost ready to sleep again. He felt himself dozing off, but he was determined to keep himself awake. Kelly was entertained as he watched Matt slowly close his eyes, his head slowly drop, before suddenly he'd jolt back awake. How tired was the poor guy? Kelly wondered briefly. He was obviously lacking a lot more sleep than Kelly had thought originally.

It was only a few more commercial breaks into the movie before Matt completely passed out, unable to keep his eyes open for a second longer. Kelly glanced towards Matt every few minutes, just to make sure he was still alive. And maybe he just enjoyed sneaking glances of the blonde, but he'd keep that fun fact to himself. For the rest he half-heartedly watched the tv, unsure whether to leave Matt in peace or if he should kick around for a while yet. He had been promised some supper after all. So he was leaning towards staying around, even if supper time was quite a ways away yet. 

All the deliberations aside, Kelly knew one thing; he desperately needed to relieve his bladder. Careful not to wake the gently sleeping body beside him, Kelly scooted off the couch. He headed toward the washroom and made quick work of his very satisfying pee. Something caught his eye as he turned around, something on the floor. There were specks. Specks of red. 

Blood? Kelly was surprised because he had definitely thoroughly cleaned up in here after Matt had his little drunk fiasco. And he was positively sure that that hadn't been there before. As he looked closer, he seen loads of paper towel in the garbage bin, spotted with blood. Kelly's eyes widened as he looked from that to the sink, which also had specks of blood covering it. Matt must've been having lots of nosebleeds lately, Kelly concluded. Taking a moment to wipe away the blood that he had seen, before giving his hands a quick rinse and exiting the bathroom. Except something felt off about, Kelly had to wonder if there was more to it. Perhaps it  _wasn't_  just nosebleeds.

Matt was still asleep, but it was about lunch time, so Kelly took it upon himself to raid Matt's fridge. He manufactured two sandwiches from the supplies he got his hands on. He poured two glasses of chocolate milk, and then brought their food to the coffee table set up in front of the TV. He contemplated waking Matt up, not wanting to disturb the other man's sleep, yet wanting to make sure he ate his lunch. 

In the end, he decided upon the latter. Kelly gently shook Matt's shoulder, calling out his name softly. 

"The house better be on fire, or you better have food." Matt mumbled groggily as he fought to open his eyes.

"The second one." Kelly laughed, clapping Matt on the shoulder reassuringly.

Matt's slight grumpy demeanour immediately switched and pulled a 180. He was suddenly wide awake and had a growing smirk, "You better not be lying, Severide." 

Kelly shook his head, pulling one of the plates from the table and setting it in Matt's hands. 

The blonde's face lit up, "This is the best day ever." He said with a smile, "I got free food twice in one day."

Kelly chuckled, "Well, first one was free, but technically you paid for this one." He pointed out smugly.

"Are you saying that you owe me?" Matt countered sarcastically, enjoying the banter.

"Technically we're just even now. But as I recall, you're making me supper tonight, so maybe after that I'll owe you."

"Deal." 

"Pleasure doing business with you, Case." Kelly chuckled as he nodded satisfactorily, grabbing his own sandwich and training his eyes upon the TV once again.

Sometimes lazy TV days are just needed. 

Supper was delicious thanks to Elena's heavenly casserole. The two of them ate by the table, chatting about nothing and everything as the food slowly disappeared. Even by the time the plates were empty and cold, their voices still softly carried along the soft atmosphere. It was a tremendous good grace to the weight that was still resonant in Matt. He felt nearly completely relaxed and he couldn't even remember what that had felt like before now. He was just free.

Time rolled and bounced, not stopping for anything or anyone. All too soon, it was nearly midnight, and Kelly stood from his chair, stretching out his muscles.

"I guess I should head back home.." Kelly surmised, part of him just wanted to stay with Matt here, he was having such a fun time. But he knew all good things must eventually come to an end. 

"Okay, thanks for coming over." Matt said, a smile making it's way to his face.

"Thanks for supper," Kelly countered with a grin.

Matt nodded, "You got it. I guess I'll see you around."

"You bet, see you at shift. Have a good one!" Kelly called as he opened the door, raising his hand for a wave.

Matt returned the wave, "Back at you." He returned just before Kelly stepped out. And then he was gone. And suddenly, Matt's place felt dark, quiet, and lonely again. Terrible combination, but some things can't be helped. Matt hoped that the monsters would stay at bay so he would be able to have a good nights sleep tonight, but he could already feel it in the back of his head. It was beginning to look like it would shape out to be a rough one, but Matt was ready to handle it.

Except.. It just kinda hit him all at once. Like a  _train_. In slow motion.  _Hitting_  him. Every individual cell cried out and got positively  _crushed_. His lungs were being clenched by the dark pit that lingered in his stomach. Suddenly, he was at the hands of his mind again. All the work he had put into getting better, all the good Kelly did for him, and all for  _this_. All for it to just turn to  _shit,_ once again.

Matt buried his head in his hands, and let out a frustrated moan as he was suddenly hit with a wave of anxiety. He wished he could just be unconscious for a while, so that he could skip this part. But the urge to panic had begun consuming him again, and within minutes he was a shaking mess. His breathing was all over the place. To top it all off, he didn't have the luxury of Kelly helping him out of his mind this time. Matt shakily opened up his phone, looking for his photo app for a few minutes, not being able to concentrate enough to find it. Then he did, and when he opened it, he immediately started looking at a specific folder of pictures. It was called Summer 2016. And for some reason he recalled there being a bunch of photos of Kelly in there. He slowly looked through all the ones of Kelly, hoping they would calm him down as if they were the real thing.

It helped a bit, Matt seemed to breathe a little looser, and his trembling quieted to a small shake. His mind went from formula 1 racing speed, to a slower, more manageable pace. Matt found a picture that was of the two of them. In it, Matt had decided to prank Kelly. He snuck up from behind the dark-haired man and poured a pitcher of ice-cold water all over a very unsuspecting Kelly. Kelly had the most entertaining look on his face. His eyes were shut tight but his mouth was open in a big grin. In the picture, Matt's smile was nearly as big as Kelly's had been; those were happy days. Matt could almost hear the laughter now, he almost felt as if it was just yesterday. That had been a fun day. He got lost in the photo, other memories from that specific firehouse barbecue began flooding into his mind. There was the big game of tug of war, Truck versus Squad. Of course, Truck had taken the lead, nearly yanking the entire opposing team across the line. But Squad was quick to counter with their combined brute strength. He recalled the sounds, the noises of the time. There was the grunting of heaves, tagged along by laughs and smiles. And then obviously the cheers of Truck when they crushed Squad after a fierce battle. Then of course, there was the bounty of food. Cruz knew how to grill up a mean hamburger. Matt remembered bringing one of those heavenly burgers to Kelly as a make up for the ice water. It was well received, but Kelly still got him back later by dumping a cup full of ice cubes down the back of Matt's well fitting shirt. That had been cold, but they both lost it laughing afterwards.

He wasn't sure how long he had been zoned, but when Matt's mind finally came back to the real world, he noticed he was no longer shaking at all, his body had calmed completely. Damn.

Matt wouldn't lie, he found himself a little embarrassed at what he'd just done. How desperate was he?? Thinking about his best friend in order to get away from the panic. Matt immediately swore to never do that again, he still felt very apprehensive about roping Kelly into his problems, despite how much he really wanted to.

The hell was he going to do about this? About _everything?_


	5. Quantum Leaps

The next at shift was a bit better than the last few had been. Whether he was more relaxed, or he was getting better, he didn't know. Though, when he thought about it, he realized he didn't even care. 

"Fire at 39 Walbash. Truck 81. Squad 3. Ambulance 61."

The truck rumbled to the scene. The crews of both trucks found themselves at a very ratty motel, one of the ones that are known for their constant problems with drugs and hookers. The peculiar thing, was that there was no fire in sight. In fact, the entire parking lot was empty and the place appeared to be abandoned. Casey and Severide exchanged confused and equally concerned glances. 

There was a blinking, faded neon sign that read, "The Bayside Motel." There were letters missing and there was a distinct buzzing noise everytime the lights flickered on and off. It was as if there was no soul around. The crews were unsure why they were called here, but they soon found out.

Suddenly, Severide caught the sight of a small billow of smoke wafting out from underneath the office door. He pointed it out to Boden, and it wasn't long until the two lieutenants and their men broke down the door. There was no fire, however. 

Casey took lead, and followed the trail of smoke to another door, which they also broke down. It turned out to be a basement door, and after putting his mask on, he quickly descended the  wooden steps. The basement was claustrophobically hot and it was nearly unbearable to be down there. Casey was followed by Herrmann and Otis and together they swept the big open room, which had random furniture and storage boxes scattered everywhere. Kelly and some of his men went to check around the building to see if there was more fire that they couldn't see.

"Fire Department. Call out!" Matt yelled over the flames, his voice battling the roar of the heat.

The groan of a man met his ears, and suddenly a body came into Matt's view. It was laying on the ground, so he called Herrmann over to help him. He looked over the body of the middle-aged guy, a name tag on his chest reading "Travis", and then in smaller letters underneath the name, "Manager". 

Casey noticed something peculiar, Travis' hands were tied up to a support beam with rope. It was clear that Travis was not here on his own will. Instead, it looked as if he was tied there and left for dead. Casey was now on high alert as he kept an eye out for the man who had done this. Sometimes the dirtbags who did stuff like this kept themselves around the premisis, and Casey sure didn't want to meet the dude.

After cutting the rope off and helping the man out of the basement, Casey returned to the main level just in time to catch a glance of a man in a dark hoodie lurking outside. It immediately clicked for Casey and he wasted no time in deciding he was gonna get that son of a bitch. Casey immediately burst out the door, just as the man in the black sweater started to run away. Kelly, startled wondered what the hell just happened, confused why Matt had run away.

Casey caught up to the guy in mere seconds, though his still-tender ankle hated him for that. Case tackled the guy to the ground and they rolled around the hard asphalt of the parking lot. They man swore and grunted, but he was quick to fight back against Matt. In fact, he was so ready, that it was only a millisecond before there was suddenly a knife being clutched by the perpetrator. Casey held onto the wrist of the man's hand which handled the blade, and tried desperately to keep it from plunging into himself. The thug had the upper hand; he was straddling Casey and obviously had more leverage in his position. Luckily, Casey still had the advantage of his many years working as a firefighter, along with his work-outs and exercise, to help him combat the situation. 

The sharp knife was only a couple of inches from his neck, and the man was getting millimetres closer by the second. Matt considered just letting it happen, letting the knife cut open his neck so that he could bleed out. So that finally he could feel something besides numbness. He almost let go, almost let himself be murdered, almost let himself die. It's quite a striking feeling. That pang in Casey's chest, the moment when he realized he didn't give a damn if he just got stabbed to death. What kind of man was he? How defeated was he?

All of a sudden, he didn't have to make the difficult choice. Because from that moment to the very next, he was rescued. The weight that had been on his waist was gone, and the strain of the downward pushing was eliminated. Casey lay on the ground, looking up at the starry night sky. The beautiful stars; the peaceful infinity of space. He wasn't exactly sure of the events that followed, but he heard a muffled version of the bustle regarding the other firefighters taking down the idiot with the knife and apprehending him.

Severide was by his side in an instant, "Are you hurt? Are you-"

The low gravelly voice of the dark-haired man was interrupted by Casey. Casey who was still staring blankly up at the sky, like his soul had vanished and his eyes lost their colour. "The stars are so pretty." Matt dawdled, going on as if nothing had happened and he was suddenly back home laying on the couch, relaxed as could be. But he wasn't. He was lying on the cold asphalt of a sketchy parking lot. Little tiny rock fragments dug into the back of his scalp, where his head met the hard ground. Casey wanted to pretend nothing had happened, he wanted to just forget the rash decision he had almost made. It was a big mistake to have been as abrupt about the whole chasing-down-the-bad guy thing as he'd been, and his cover was too close to being blown. He couldn't risk people finding out about his current problems regarding his raging depression and crippling anxiety. Not today, not ever.

Severide tried to communicate once again with the blonde, "Case," His voice cracked slightly, but he didn't care, "Are you okay?"

Casey finally glanced over to the worried face above him, making eye contact with concerned eyes. "I'm fine."

Then suddenly, Casey realized that everyone was watching him. All the firefighters, besides the few that were holding down the perp of course, were staring at him. The worst set of eyes he saw in that moment were Boden's. Casey knew the chief was angry with his decision to just take off and not say anything or wait for help; it wasn't the responsible thing to do, that's for sure, and he was already dreading the talking-to he was going to get once they were back to the station.

Severide stood up and stretched out a hand, helping Casey up off the ground. The blonde-haired man felt a bit dizzy and nearly stumbled a bit, but luckily he regained his composure before anyone noticed. Well, he thought nobody noticed, but the other lieutenant seen it.

They hadn't been back at the station for more than fifteen minutes when their next call came in, and within five more minutes they were at the scene of another building fire. Except this time, it was much much more obvious. Roaring flames and billowing smoke; it was a sight that they were all used to. Though, the same couldn't be said about the inhuman screams coming from inside the apartment complex; a firefighter never got used to the pain-filled sound of someone burning alive.

Truck was the first to rush through the doors into the red-hot heat. Casey taking the lead, Herrmann loyally following behind him. Their voices competed with the scream of the whooshing flames, which seemed to be quickly taking over. The older and the younger firefighter found an elderly, senile man, and dragged him out, while the other men finished the sweep. No one else was found in the burning chaos, except there was still one problem, Severide hadn't returned out from the depths of the aggressive fire. 

Boden had already radioed for everyone to get the hell out a minute ago, and everyone one had obeyed except for the stubborn lieutenant. But, what if Severide was hurt and couldn't get out on his own? Casey worried, absentmindedly scratching the back of his neck. Casey wanted nothing more than to get in there and get the other lieutenant out, he needed to make sure his best friend stayed alive. He begged Boden to let him go, to make an exception just this once, and even though he firmly denied, he needed to go. Casey was just about to make a run for it even though he'd be very much disobeying the rules, but suddenly a shadow appeared in front of the front door. It was a silhouette of a firefighter. It was Kelly; the dark-haired lieutenant emerged from the door, which had long since been kicked down, and stumbled out onto the grassy front garden of the complex. 

The monsters in Matt's head burned pictures into his mind. Pictures of Kelly dying, not being okay. Matt tried to shake it off as he watch Kelly walk back to the truck. Except all Matt could see were shaky visions of Kelly collapsing, or passing out. The intensity of the ringing in his head was nearly deafening, but Matt kept it together.. Or tried to, at the very least. 

Then Kelly switched his glance to Matt, seeming to sense the internal battle vibrating off Matt's skull. They made eye contact and Kelly seemed to be staring straight into Matt's mind. With a gentle nod, Kelly kept walking. The upward shake of Kelly's head was almost like a silent message that he was alive, that he was okay, that Matt could stop worrying.

Matt did stop worrying, though in the back of his mind, the monsters still whispered terrible thoughts to him. But he tried to fade it out as much as he could, instead concentrating on Kelly who chugged half of a bottle of water before dumping the rest all over his own head and neck. 

Matt scrubbed his face with his hands, maybe a little rougher than he meant to. Water shot out of the firehoses with a powerful force as the red heat sputtered and hissed. They fought the raging fire until there was not one flame left. The splintering wooden beams of the structure were charred and black. Beneath them, the walls and floors, or whatever was left of them, were covered in soot and dead embers. It was a grave sight to many, and it was especially haunting to see the remains of a body being carried out of the building. Someone who hadn't made it, a soul that didn't have the chance to see the sun rise again. Life was truly a delicate thing, and it was destroying to see it crumble in the same way burnt bones turned to ash.

Back at the firehouse, everyone was grim and tired. Their two calls in a row had proved to be exhausting, but nobody complained, they were just happy to have emerged from another burning building alive. 

As expected, Boden called Casey into his office for a talk. But it turned out to be something a little different than the blonde lieutenant had imagined. Casey stood, hands respectfully linked behind his back. He stood tall and waited patiently for Boden to give him a lecture about waiting for backup, or a talk reminding him that he was a firefighter not a police officer. Yet no such thing emerged from Boden's mouth. Instead, a soft tone drifted across the room, "How are you doing, Casey?

Matt was confused and taken aback, "What do you mean?" 

With patient eyes and a knowing demeanour, Wallace leaned back in his chair, "Just checking how you're holding up, you've been off lately."

 _Shit._ Matt thought, he was sure he'd been hiding it well enough. "I'm fine, Chief." Matt nodded with a firm smile, hoping to convince the other man that there was nothing going on.

Boden nodded hesitantly, eyeing Casey up. "Okay. You just let me know if that changes." He replied, choosing his words carefully.

Matt gave a prompt nod, "Will do."

"Good, thank you. You're dismissed, Lieutenant." Boden said, a small smile etched into his strong features.

On his way back to his office, Matt couldn't help but feel a little shaken up. The fact that people were starting to notice things was terrible, he couldn't let this happen. Matt resolutely decided he needed to build his walls just a little higher, and clamp down on himself a bit tighter. 

Matt was disappointed in himself, and the fact that he couldn't control himself as much as he needed. Not to mention the horrifying depression he had let himself fall into, he was a well of dark feelings. Though, his anxiety wasn't helping either, in fact, it did quite the opposite. 

Matt droned through the rest of shift. That's simply the only way he could get through it, so he would do what it took. But if he was being honest, he just wanted to go home, go to bed and maybe sleep for twelve days. He was tired of life, tired of responsibilities, and he just needed time to get his shit together. Except, there was this side of him that was just completely loyal to the job. There was no way he could take time for himself when there was people burning to death, like the person from today's fire. 

He might be slightly sad, but the way Casey seen it, he wasn't depressed enough to be allowed to have the luxury of taking the time to fix himself. If burn victims could go through weeks of torture, he could deal with being sad all the time. He'd be fine. Or, he hoped that he'd be fine, at least.

Finally able to go home, Matt was the first one to leave the firehouse. He drove back to his place in silence, no music, no thinking, purely nothing. Just him, the rumble of the engine, and the road ahead of him. And then the moment came when he pulled into his driveway, exited the truck tiredly, and made his way to the front door. He was really happy just to be home again. Except there was a slight hitch in the plan. As Matt pulled out his keys to unlock the entrance, he noticed that his door was already ajar. Upon further inspection, he noticed the splinters of the doorframe, indicating it had been pried open with a crowbar or something. Alarmed, Matt shoved the door open the rest of the way, hoping like hell that whatever intruder had invaded his home was gone already. He carefully stepped into his home, staring around in disbelief. His entire place had been ransacked, drawers were open, stuff was a mess, and many of his things were displaced. Matt raked his shaky hands through his hair, as he stepped further into the chaos. This was overwhelming, it was scary as hell, and Matt didn't like this at all. Matt moved to his bedroom, looking around at the dressers which had been empty and had his belongings strewn all over the place.

 


	6. Breaking In and Breaking Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies! Enjoy this new chapter, and have a great day! :)

It was just around lunch time when Kelly heard a knock come from his front door. Surprised, he opened the entrance to reveal a very shaken up looking Matt standing there nervously. He had a backpack slung over one shoulder, and an unsure look placed on his face.

"Hi." Kelly said curiously, watching the other man intently. 

"I didn't.. I didn't kn-know where else to.. go." Matt stuttered out.

"Come in, Case. C'mere." He motioned for Matt to get the heck into his home. Who the hell would have the audacity to mess up his best friend like this? Damn, once he found out... Kelly thought to himself angrily.

"What happened?" Kelly asked in concern as Matt entered.

Kelly listened in shock as Matt shakily explained what he had come home to after shift. 

Kelly shook his head in disbelief, "Who the hell would do that?" 

Matt shrugged as he clasped his shaky hands together, trying to stay tough.

Kelly looked angry as he walked to the door and grabbed his leather jacket off the coat hook. 

"Where are you going?" Matt asked desperately. 

"Figure out who did this to you, then beat the living shit out of them."

Matt's heart surged at the thought of someone being willing to stand up for him like that and he was temporarily thrown of his game. But then Kelly started pulling on his shoes. 

"No, wait." Matt held an outstretched hand toward the other man, as if to stop him or something. 

Kelly froze and looked up, intently waiting for Matt to continue.

"I don't want.." Matt desperately didn't want to admit to the way he was feeling, but if that would get Kelly to stay, he'd take the chance. "Sev, I don't want to.. be alone right now."

Kelly's face softened considerably, and he kicked off his shoes, letting his jacket fall to the floor beside the pair of brown high tops he had just had on. Next, Severide did something a little unexpected, but nonetheless needed. He walked right up to Matt, seemed to sense the resident fear in his bright blue eyes, and gently pulled the man into his embrace, holding him close.

Matt was taken aback by the hug, but within seconds, he was melting into it. It wasn't just a quick embrace, it lasted for at least two minutes, and with each passing second, Matt felt just a little less freaked out about the world falling on his shoulders. Matt had his head resting comfortably on Kelly's shoulder and his arms were wound tightly around the other man, clutching the back of Kelly's t-shirt tightly in his fists as if there was no tomorrow. When they finally pulled apart, it wasn't as awkward as either of them thought it may have been. Instead, Kelly flashed a small smile and Matt returned it.

"Can I get you anything?" Kelly asked softly. His hand were still resting on Matt's hips. He wasn't quite ready to let go yet.

"A coffee? Maybe?" Matt asked after a moment, he hadn't had any since the day before.

"Done." Kelly grinned, heading to the kitchen to do so.

Matt followed the dark-haired man and pushed himself onto the kitchen counter. He silently watched as Kelly prepared the brew, mentally trying to figure out what he should do about the whole break-in thing. He had already called the police, who had taken his statement and then he had cleaned up some of his things, before packing a bag and getting the hell out. He couldn't be in there for another minute. He wasn't sure where he was going to sleep, but since he was too cheap for a hotel room, it would be safe to assume that he'd be sleeping in his truck.

As if Kelly had read his mind, he asked, "You gonna be okay to stay there tonight before you get the locks changed?"

Matt shook his head, "Nah, don't wanna be there right now."

Kelly looked up to Matt's eyes for a moment, sensing the sadness that made the blonde's shoulders slump slightly. "You can stay here,  you know." Kelly mentioned, deciding to leave it vague and open-ended.

"I don't want to intrude." Matt said softly, suddenly feeling really bad that he had just shown up here, he felt a bit like an out of place burden.

"You're not," Kelly assured him, "I've always got your back," He stated in a quiet way, passing Matt his coffee.

"I know, I just--" 

Kelly interrupted Matt before he could finish what he was about to say. "Great, that settles it, you're staying here tonight." He said with a soft smile.

Matt nodded hesitantly, "Okay."

Kelly made the two of them some much needed lunch, then they sat in front of the TV and watched while they ate. 

Of course, Matt wasted no time in overthinking the situation. Worrying that maybe Kelly didn't even want him here, maybe he wished that Matt hadn't come to him. That's what the monsters said. But then he made the monsters look straight into the memory of the long embrace Kelly had given him, and made them realize that maybe the world wasn't always against him. 

Matt of course fell asleep due to the fact that he felt relaxed for the first time since before shift, except little did he know, as soon as he dozed off, his body started falling towards Kelly. Before long, Matt's head had settled onto Kelly's lap, completely out cold. Kelly almost laughed, but kept it contained for the sake of not wanting to wake up the blonde. He pulled a blanket out from under the coffee table and spread it over Matt as well as he could from his position.

Kelly looked down at the body laying half on top of him. He gently set a hand on top of the soft blonde hair, running some fingers very carefully through it. Kelly took note of the fact that there was still a small trace of ashes in his hair from the fire, Matt would probably want to shower later. Kelly moved his hand down a little bit, fingers tracing the stubble that lingered on the side of his face, his chin, and his neck. The man hadn't shaved in a while from what he could tell, and wondered if it had anything to do with being so run down. Kelly followed the trail to Matt's neck, the skin was soft and the dark-haired man oddly found himself liking the feel of it. 

It was hours later before Matt started to wake up again, and when he did, he felt interesting sensations. Matt kept his eyes closed and didn't move as he tried to recall where he was. Suddenly he remembered. He was at Kelly's house, on his couch.. Sleeping on him? That part he definitely didn't remember happening, but he felt the texture of denim beneath on his cheek and knew immediately it was true. Matt was warm, there was a blanket on top of him, he figured. Plus he also felt a hand on him. Kelly's hand? 

Matt was curious about that. About Kelly letting him lay on his lap, and about the hand on his head. What a truly confusing situation to wake up to. Yet, Matt also felt oddly comforted, and in fact, he almost felt content just to stay how he was. Unfortunately that wasn't in the game plan, he knew he should probably be awake again. 

Matt sat up slowly, stretching out tired muscles as he did so.

"Hey, sleepy head." Kelly laughed, his eyes lit up in amusement.

Matt turned himself slightly to face Kelly, "Sorry about that." He smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.

"Don't worry about it." Kelly responded casually, turning his face back to the TV, which they both watched for a while longer.

They ended up going outside to take a walk around the neighbourhood, because Kelly had promised to check in on his friend's grandmother for him while he was on a business trip.

They walked for about fifteen minutes when Kelly knocked on the door of a small two-story house. It was white with red shutters, and it was actually quite quaint. It was a five minute stop, Kelly basically just had to make sure she had eaten, taken her pills, and hadn't stopped breathing. Severide had always been a nice guy like that, never hesitating to give a helping hand where one was needed. 

"Is this your man?" The old woman asked Kelly at one point, her finger aiming at Matt. Though years had obviously weathered this woman, she was still high in spirits, her voice sounding aged, but suggestive nonetheless. 

Kelly laughed, "No, Sharon." 

"Too bad, you guys would make a great couple." She pointed out, a big grin on her freckled face.

They said their goodbyes to the elderly woman and began the walk back home.

"Sorry," Kelly chuckled lightly, "She has a bit of a mouth on her."

"I don't think she's far off." Matt pointed out, a little spring in his step, which he attested to spending the day with something, someone, other than his mind and the monsters.

Kelly pondered at that, "You think we would make a good couple?" 

"Probably," Matt said honestly with a chuckle, "We get along well."

Kelly nodded, agreeing but not sure what else to say. They were quiet most of the way back to Kelly's, well, maybe on the outside. But, on the inside, neither of them could quite erase the idea of them being a couple. Because damn, that painted quite a picture and though the two of them would normally never think much about it. They had a bit of a taste of what it could be like today; Matt falling asleep on Kelly was about as close to cuddling as they'd ever gotten, but neither would deny they enjoyed it. 

They reached Kelly's place and Kelly unlocked the door, holding it open for Matt with a grin.

Matt walked in and Kelly followed, "I'm going to go get us some food from that new burger place up the road," Kelly smiled as Matt took off his jacket and his shoes. 

Matt nodded his cute little nod and looked up with bright eyes, "Not going to be long right?" 

"No, I'll be 20 minutes tops, be back before you know it."

Matt smiled, he was glad, he wasn't ready to be alone quite yet. "Okay if I take a shower?" Matt asked.

"Yep," Kelly nodded his head up in down, "Already put some clothes and a towel in there for you before we left." 

Matt smiled appreciatively, "Thanks, Sev." 

As promised, Kelly was back in 14 minutes, but the shower was still running. So he waited and waited for Matt to come out of the shower, but another 20 minutes later, he was still in there. Kelly decided to knock on the door at least, just to make sure he wasn't lying on the floor, his head split open from falling on the tile floor or something. 

*knock knock*          "Casey?"

An unsure voice, "Uhh.. Sev?"

"Yeah. You good?" Kelly's concern flowing madly into a pit inside his ribs.

"Yep. Be out in a second." The voice coming from the other side of the door sounded weak and sad.

A mere minute later, Kelly felt as though he was about 3 milliseconds away from kicking down the door and seeing what the hell was going on, but then the lock clicked and the door squeaked open.

Matt looked pale, his face was as white as a sheet and he definitely wasn't looking like he was feeling too good. 

"Casey?"

Matt ignored his name and the question behind it, and walked to the kitchen, presumably to get something to drink. But Kelly was frozen in place, he looked in the bathroom and everything looked fine in there. Except, then he saw it. He saw tiny blood specks on the white tiles of the bathroom. Kelly bent down and wiped at one of them, it smeared; it was bright red and still fresh.

Kelly noticed Matt's bag haphazardly slumped in the corner of the room and opened up the top zipper. He knew it was an invasion of privacy, but something was wrong and Kelly was going to find out what it was. There was nothing in there except for disheveled clothes, then he opened the side zipper. Except this time he did find something, and it was definitely something he hoped wasn't for what he thought it was for.

A razor blade. It was obviously hastily cleaned because there was still blood on it.

This mixed with Casey's paleness.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening to Matt.

Should he say something? Leave it alone? Damn.

He hid the blade where he had found it and joined Matt in the kitchen where he was softly humming himself a tune as he scrolled on his phone.

Kelly cleared his throat as he handed Matt the take out he had bought, "Here's the food."


	7. A Safe Haven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just because I think you guys are awesome, I will be uploading the next chapter tomorrow (Sat. 25th), and the next one the day after! (Sun. 26th) 
> 
> Enjoy as the plot thickens, I've really been loving everybody's comments! Hope you are all doing great! (Or at least better than Matt is so far!)

Not many words were exchanged between the two of them during supper, or even after that. A wave of depression and anxiety had hit Matt once Kelly had gone to get food earlier, so he was slightly out of commission. Meanwhile Kelly was stuck on trying to figure out what the hell Matt was up to behind closed doors. As much as Kelly just wanted to straight up ask, he wasn't sure how it would be taken, so he settled for leaving good enough alone. Then eventually, Kelly dragged a half asleep Matt into the guest room, which he had set up after supper. 

" _Sevvvvvv_." Murmured sleep-drunk Matt.

"Mhmm?" Kelly replied.

Matt stirred around to find the most comfortable position, "Stay 'til 'm 'sleep?" He spoke tiredly after a yawn. How the hell was Kelly supposed to say no to that? So he stayed until there were happy little snores coming from the other man. He very nearly fell asleep as he watched the other guy, but caught himself just before he dozed off. Kelly almost felt too tired to move from his sitting position on the guest bed, to his own bed. But he made the treacherous hike in the dark. Well, it was only across the hall from Kelly's own room, so it wasn't a long distance, but he still somehow managed to stub his toe on something before he made it. He then collapsed into bed and pretty much fell asleep right away, his tired body needing the rest.

The next day, Matt had a construction job, so he was gone for a majority of the day. This left Kelly feeling a little aimless, he wasn't sure if Matt was going to come back or not, and he felt himself wishing he knew the answer. He enjoyed having Matt over, he liked spending time with the guy. But the whole razor blade thing still had him feeling a little rattled. 

Kelly wasn't sure whether or not it was up to him to get to the bottom of it, but the way he seen it, Matt didn't have too many people who would do that for him. Plus, their friendship, they had grown it steadily over the years, and Matt was one of the few immensely important people in his life. Kelly made sure he took care of his own.

Kelly had to do  _something_.

 

Matt did end up coming back to Kelly's that evening, letting himself in and quietly closing the door. Kelly smiled when he saw Matt. Kelly got up from the couch where he had been playing video games and poured Matt a coffee from the freshly brewed pot. He noticed how exhausted and weary the other man looked.

"How was work?" Kelly asked, as he handed Matt the cup of steaming liquid.

"Long day." Matt laughed tiredly, thanking Kelly graciously for the coffee. "Think I'm gonna shower and go to sleep."

Kelly glanced at the clock  on the wall. It was only 8 o'clock, so it was early, even for Matt. But hey, he couldn't blame the guy, he had pretty much worked for 13 hours straight. So, in Kelly's opinion, Matt deserved a night off.

"Alright," Kelly nodded, heading back to his game, "Give me a shout if you need anything."

Matt muttered some sort of agreement before chugging back the rest of his drink. 

When Matt entered the bathroom the first thing he did was stare at himself in the mirror. He'd worked hard today, maybe even to the point of overworking. Muscles in his back and neck were tightly wound and tense, his eyes were weary, and his mind was in overdrive. He was having one of those moments that made him wonder if he could really make it through his depression.

Matt slumped back against the wall, letting his back slide down until his bottom touched the floor. He stretched his achey legs out in front of him and reached inside the denim pocket of his worn out jeans. Matt pulled out a shiny blade, his sparkling razor. Matt shed his pants and simply tossed them aside, not wishing to deal with them at the moment.

Matt flipped the razor between his fingers as if he were a gambler in a casino, playing around with a valuable chip. Though, he supposed, it was somewhat of a gamble anyways. He always wondered if one of these days he might accidentally cut a little too deep. Bleed a little too much. He didn't value his future enough to care at this point, but the thought still crossed his mind often. The steel blade reflected the light from the bathroom, making him squint his eye for a split second. Matt wondered if maybe he should just end it here and now. He could easily do it, just slice the femoral, maybe the wrists while he was at it. If he died it's not like he had to worry about the scars that he would get anyways. 

Matt thought again, looking around him at the bathroom that was definitely that of a bachelor. Maybe doing it here wasn't such a good idea, he didn't want Kelly to see him like that. Matt decided to settle for just a few shallow cuts along his outer thigh, his eyes eating up the sight of the red blood dripping to the floor. His nerves jumped in joy, tingling with the same burning sensation he had grown to need. 

Matt was overcome with the urge to stop. He had to get his life back under control, he needed to stop hurting himself like this. Yet, the monsters in his mind told him otherwise. They sweetly whispered, telling him to slash another wound onto his leg, maybe a little deeper this time. It was eerie in the most profound sense.

Matt couldn't stop himself as he reached the blade down and left another mark on his pale skin. It was getting out of control, there was a lot of blood. A tear left Matt's eye and silently dropped into the trail of bright red blood that was running down the inside of his leg, just barely avoiding the hem of his boxers. The tear seamlessly mixed and became one with the blood, a kind of sentiment as to the meaning of this slightly ritualistic act he preformed on himself seemingly more and more. 

Kelly, was playing his video game fighting the urge to pee. He had to win the match, now wasn't the time to let his team down. They were about to win, so he kept telling himself to hold it in until the end of the game. The timer in the corner of the screen slowly ticked, counting down the seconds left. He shot enemy after enemy, and luckily he pulled through in the end. Though his team was only ahead with a slight margin, it was a win nonetheless. 

Kelly shot up, sprinting to the bathroom, trying to keep all of the urine in his bladder. Every step he took nearly made him explode, and he couldn't wait to relieve himself. Kelly swung open the door, completely forgetting that Matt was taking a shower. Well technically, he wasn't taking a shower yet, Kelly noticed he was sitting on the floor, a faraway expression on his face.

With a panic, Kelly also noticed the blood and the blade he was gingerly holding in his hands. 

"Case?" Kelly asked slowly, concern edging his voice.

Matt's head shot up in surprise, the slightest twinge of horror also flashing across his expression.   

 _Shit_.

Matt was overcome with emotion, this was never supposed to happen. Kelly was never going to find out about this part of him, nobody was. But here they were, Matt dripping blood down the sides of his leg, Kelly staring with a shocked look planted on his concerned face.

"Matt," Kelly's voice cracked, he knelt down beside the man. 

Matt was slightly taken aback. Kelly didn't usually call him by his first name.

Kelly leaned closer to him, whispering, "Matt, I'm so sorry." 

Just like that Matt was being pulled into Kelly's gentle, soothing embrace. Strong arms wrapped around him, the familiar scent of the other lieutenant calming him down, all the while overcoming him with feelings he hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. Emotions that Matt didn't even know he had suddenly washed over him like a ravaging avalanche. 

"Sorry?" Matt questioned in a shaky voice, equally terrified and unsure about the situation that had found him.

"I should have known.. I should've seen the signs.. I-"

"No," Matt interrupted, "This isn't on you."

"The hell this isn't on me. I care about you more than anyone else in this world, I can't lose you." Explained Kelly as he pulled Matt tighter to him, not caring about the blood.

Someone cared. Someone cared about him. Someone was there for him.

And then Matt broke, it was too much. He didn't deserve this, but he felt like he finally had hope. Maybe there was a tiny star in the midst of his dark world. The mere thought, the simple idea that here was someone, here was Kelly, comforting him; it was completely too much.

Matt broke down in sobs.

"Let it all out, Matty."

Matt did. He cried some very unmanly tears, he cried some sad tears, he even cried a few tears of relief. Kelly just held him as they sat on the floor of the bathroom. Matt had been holding all these emotions in for too long, they had starting rotting his soul. He felt like he was washing everything out of himself, all the tension, the stress. All the while, gaining a new light, taking some of the strength Kelly seemed to be silently offering to him. 

Neither knew how long they sat there, together, huddled. Could've been an hour, could've been three. Kelly was just glad to be on the inside of the walls Matt had tried so hard to keep him outside of. He pulled away from Matt after a long while, and stood up slowly, grabbing a washcloth and wetting it with warm water. He bent down and gently wiped the blood off of Matt's tender leg. He used careful strokes along the outer part of Matt's leg until all the red liquid was pulled away. The he bandaged the cuts. Using gauze and tape, along with the skills he had gained over the years patching people up.

Matt looked away, ashamed at himself. Embarrassed that Kelly had seen him like this. Kelly cleaned up the rest, not letting Matt help. He helped Matt stand up, noticing the slight wince, but not saying anything about it. 

Kelly hugged Matt to him once again, being unable to accept the fact that he hadn't seen what had been happening to his best friend. What kind of person was that oblivious? Kelly needed to find a way to help Matt, he knew that. He wanted to try to heal this man. Return the spark that Matt seemed to have lost lately. Kelly would do whatever it took.

 

The next shift was uneventful to say the least. It was the most quiet one they had had in a long time, though nobody said it aloud, not wanting to jinx it. Kelly spent a lot of time in his office, he struggled, tried to figure out what the hell he was going to do to help Matt. Meanwhile, Matt was in his office still slightly reeling about Kelly finding out about his secret habit.

The other men of firehouse 51, including Chief Boden, noticed their withdrawal. But no one said anything, not wanting to jinx that either. They simply spent the shift doing their jobs and exchanging concerned glances with each other.

Matt didn't sleep that night; though, since when had he ever been sleeping normally? Aside from his snoozes at Kelly's of course. He stayed awake doing his paperwork, and completing tasks. It was quiet, and though Matt didn't mind the quiet, he felt slightly haunted by it. An eerie paranoia that set him on edge, making him wonder just how long it would be before his personal space was invaded by the screams in his head. It wasn't healthy. Matt sure realized that, but there wasn't hell he could do about it. It's not like he hadn't tried to make it better before. Because he had. He'd tried drowning the voices with alcohol to the point of being black out drunk, even trying to replace the sounds with the ear piercing throng of parties that lasted from sunset to sunrise. But nothing worked.

Though when he thought about, really thought about it, he could see the voices of his inner demons begin to tell him dangerous things. He was slowly but surely becoming a danger to himself. Then again, Kelly had made Matt give him all of his blades, which he had done with only a little hesitation. He trusted Kelly, but now he was left without a way to hurt himself, he was left without a means to feel something. Matt hoped he'd find another way to deal, but he was becoming less and less hopeful by the minute. His heart dropping further and further down inside of him. Almost as if his beating organ was like a melting mass of candle wax, just destroying itself inside of him.

He felt nearly all of the wax was in a puddle in the bottom of his stomach by the time shift finished. He just wanted to go home. Except he didn't, because his place had been robbed and he still didn't feel up to dealing with that shit. Was it acceptable to sleep in your truck for 48 hours? If so, maybe that's what Matt should do.

Except merely a moment later his phone dinged and he looked at his lock screen only to see it was a text from Kelly. 

"Just made coffee, there's bacon and eggs in the making. :)" It read.

Another text popped up, "Should I make enough for two?"

Matt very nearly smiled, on the inside he was beaming. "Be over in 10" He texted back, and with that, he sped off, now knowing where he was going to go. Now knowing he had a safe haven.


	8. Roommates?

Over breakfast, Kelly brought up a question that Matt wasn't sure he had been ready to hear, but was intrigued none the less. 

"So, I'm looking for a roommate." He started, trying to hide his smile.

Matt eyes shot up in interest, " _Oh_?"

"Mhmm," Kelly mumbled as he swallowed a mouthful of bacon. "Get's lonely around here."

Matt snorted, " _What_ , the ladies don't stay long after a bang anymore?"

Kelly, amused, chuckled, "I don't.. -I don't keep that kind of company anymore." He smiled, "I'm done with flings, I want something that lasts."

"Amen to that." Matt nodded, taking a big bite of scrambled eggs.

" _Anyways_ ," Kelly continued, " _So_ , I know you have an apartment already, but I was wondering if you wanna come live here." He offered.

Matt leaned back in his chair and took a sip of his coffee.

"I own this house, mortgage paid, so it'd be rent free."

Matt nearly spit his coffee right back out, "No,  _I can't_. That's-"

"A really good offer, I know," Kelly interrupted with a laugh, "Trust me Case, I've thought this through."

"Okay.." Matt smiled, "But I'm at least paying for groceries."

Just like that it was settled. And after their breakfast, they went over to Matt's apartment. Still in it's ransacked state, it proved a little nerve-wracking for Matt to step inside. As soon as their footsteps crossed the threshold of the building, Kelly knew why Matt hadn't wanted to sleep here. It was a mess, it looked like a bull had gone through a china shop. All his stuff was on the floor, plates were broken, drawers pulled open and rummaged through.

Kelly was furious that someone had had the nerve to do something like this. "Did you call the police, Casey?" 

Matt nodded, "Yeah.. But I don't really care. I just want to forget about this and move on."

Kelly glanced unsurely in Matt's direction, he seemed tired. Maybe he would leave justice out of the equation for now, and just concentrate on getting him moved out of here.

Over his long night of mulling over possible solutions for all the problems that were coming to light, he had come up with the idea of inviting Matt to move in. Sure, he was lonely and wouldn't mind a roommate, but that wasn't his only reason for the decision. This way he could at least keep an eye on Matt, he'd know when he was having a bad day or good day, and he'd probably have an easier time figuring out if he was holding up okay. It was mostly for Matt, but Kelly would be lying if he said he wasn't partial to the idea of having Matt around everyday. 

Kelly was assessing damage to the few picture frames that Matt had, which had fallen ungracefully from the table by the couch, when he heard sobbing coming from across the apartment. Kelly was on high alert and running towards the noise a millisecond later. He thought Matt had gotten hurt or something along the lines. But that _wasn't_  the sight he stumbled across. Here was the blonde-haired lieutenant, sitting on the floor, cradling his beloved cat clock in his arms,  _crying._

The scene broke Kelly's heart. He knew how much Matt loved that thing, and from what he could see, the robbers had thrown it to the ground carelessly, with no regard for it's value to Matt. The wooden clock was broken,  _quite mangled._

Matt looked up to Kelly, crying openly; being vulnerable. "It's broken, Kel," He said in a soft small voice, between wracking sobs, "It's br- broken and I'm broken and- and, everything's falling  _apart_ ,"

"Shh, Case, come here." Kelly sat down next to Matt, pulling him to his warm chest, holding him tightly. If this is what he needed to do to make Matt better; if this is what it took to help the man, then damn right he'd hold him. He'd do  _anything_  for his best friend. 

" _Ev-everything_ is breaking," Matt cried into Kelly's t-shirt, which was already starting to get soaked in tears.

"I know," Kelly said soothingly, rubbing Matt's back gently.

Matt shook harder as each sob wracked his body, he gripped his clock a little tighter. 

" _M-my clock.._ " He whispered softly, tears still streaming into Kelly's shirt.

"We'll get it fixed, Matty. I promise." Kelly said, his heart tearing itself up a little more. Why was this happening to Casey and not him? Casey  _didn't_  deserve this.

"I'm _s-sorry_  for cr-crying." Matt murmured, tried to hold in the jolts from his crying, though to no avail. 

"S'okay," Kelly replied, tightening his grip on Matt. 

A while later, when Matt had calmed down a little from him breakdown. They started cleaning up a bit. Kelly suggested that Matt should start picking things up from his bedroom, maybe pack some stuff up if he felt up to it. Meanwhile, Kelly picked up springs and gears, and a little wooden cat ear that had broken off of the clock. He hoped to hell he could find all the pieces, as he began gathering them into a small pile.

The rest of the day was spent cleaning and packing, and thankfully went off without anymore broken cat clocks, and no breakdowns. Matt was doing a bit better, though he was very quiet, and appeared to be quite exhausted. 

They had most of the place packed up by supper time; Matt didn't have too much and his apartment was small and had come completely furnished, so he didn't have any of his own furniture to move to Kelly's. Matt would figure out the whole getting out of his lease thing later on, right now he just wanted to get out of that place.

They placed Matt's nine boxes in the guest room- well, now labelled "Matt's room". Kelly put the tenth box, the one with the cat clock, in the garage while Matt wasn't looking. He'd figure out how or where to fix it later.

Matt hadn't planned to move in the day Kelly asked him to come live with him, but he couldn't think of a single reason not to. Matt was a little embarrassed about his reaction about his stupid clock, but he hadn't been able to stop the emotions from overflowing out of him like that. 

"Beer?" Kelly offered after they got the last of the boxes in Matt's room. 

Matt remembered his promise to himself, "I'm good, thanks."

"Don't like beer anymore?" Kelly joked, but immediately becoming curious when Matt didn't give as much as a smile. He waited.

After a minute, Matt looked up, "Not lately." He said nonchalantly.

"Why's that?" Kelly asked cautiously, going for a soda instead, tossing one to Matt too.

"It was . . taking over," Matt replied thoughtfully, as he popped open the can, "Becoming dangerous."

Kelly nodded understandingly, his mind having a flashback to Matt passed out on the bathroom floor, "I get it."

"Thanks, Sev." Came from the upturned lips of his fellow lieutenant.

Kelly smiled back, "What does my roommate think about ordering in pizza for supper?"

"Sounds perfect."

 

And it was, the pizza was better than expected. They both ate until they were full, and then some. Matt fell asleep on the couch, exhausted from the busy day. Kelly made a mental note to make sure Matt had a relaxing day tomorrow, as he spread a warm blanket over his sleeping form. Kelly finished the movie they had starting watching, before shutting off the TV and the lights. He then woke up Matt gently, then he helped the very sleepy man to his new official room and tucked him in, before going to his own room. Kelly tossed and turned, unable to get his mind off of Matt. The man across the hall. The blonde-haired liuetenant.

It must've been close to 3am when Kelly had just started dozing off, he had finally gotten close to falling asleep when suddenly he heard yells.

Matt.

Kelly jumped out of bed the same way he would have if he was at the station and the alarms went off. He rushed to Matt's room and quickly stepped over to the bed. Matt was flailing in his bed, and by the looks of it, having a very bad nightmare. 

"Casey?" Kelly stayed calm, " _Case_ , it's me Kelly."

Matt continued to whimper as he stirred the sheets into a ball at the end of the bed. Kelly looked on helplessly.

"Case, come back to me." Kelly tried, desperately wanting to get Matt out of his nightmare. 

"Matt!" He half shouted, relieved when Casey shot up, his eyes shooting around wildly.

"Hey, it's okay, it was just a dream." Kelly said, grabbing his shoulder and squeezing it lightly.

Matt took a deep breath and rubbed his hands across his face, he looked over to Kelly, "Did I wake you?"

"Was already awake, don't worry about it. You okay?"

Matt nodded, "Dream."

Kelly tilted his head slightly as he looked at Matt, the glow of the moon lighting up his face just enough to see the panic in Matt's eyes. He looked Matt over and noticed his right hand scratching at his cuts, consciously or subconsciously he didn't know, but he was opening them up. Kelly grabbed Matt's hand lightly, and turned on the bedside lamp so he could survey the damage. The soft glow of the lamp cascaded over Matt purely. The multitude of scars on his leg lit up, and so did the smears of blood from the wounds that he had been opened.

"Matty." Kelly said softly, neither with disappointment or annoyance, but rather with a soft comfort.

Matt rubbed his face again, though this time he left blood smears on his face. 

Kelly went to the bathroom real quick, getting some more bandages and a washcloth. He cleaned up Matt's face with a few quick swipes, then cleaned the cuts on Matt's leg, applying some antibiotic ointment before slowly bandaging.

"Matt, you know you can tell me anything right?" Kelly began gently, looking earnestly into Matt's soft blue orbs. 

"Yeah," The pain Matt was feeling on the inside was stroked in watercolour around his weary features. 

"Okay, then tell me," Kelly looking back down for a moment to the bandaging he was doing, "What's going on with you?"

"Going on?" Matt asked, a bit taken aback.

"You can trust me." Kelly urged, his hand laying on Matt's leg, even though he was done bandaging it up.

Matt nodded, "If you really want to know," He trailed off.

"Yeah."

"Kelly,  _I'm depressed_. I'm depressed and I have anxiety." Matt said softly, regretting the words after he had said them. They were like acid flowing from him mouth, he hated those two words. The words that defined him, that labelled him, that held him back from living a normal life.

"You . .  _Oh_." Kelly was short for words in a sense, unsure what to say.

"Look, I'm a lot right now, if you don't want to deal with me I totally get it just let me know and I can get out of here as soon as possible," Matt rambled nervously, "I don't want to be a burden or anything I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, I'm so-"

"Matt." Kelly interrupted, his hand still on Matt's thigh, though now it was starting to send tingles and sparks into the soft skin. The tiny, little jolts of lightning made a direct connection with Matt's brain. The monsters that had started to creep into the back of his mind electrocuted with a single touch.

"You're not leaving okay? I want you here, I'm going to help you get through this."

Matt's jaw opened and his eyes widened. Someone was offering to help him? The thought of someone caring about him that much was still new to him and he wasn't even sure how to properly respond. 

"Okay. . How?" Matt asked curiously, the surprise still hadn't worn off.

"We start with sleep." Kelly laughed, "We'll figure it out once the sun's up."

"I usually can't sleep after nightmares," Matt scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "But you go ahead."

"I will!" Kelly chuckled, turning off the nightlight and getting the blankets back in order. Then, to Matt's surprise, Kelly got under the blankets with him. The queen bed was plenty big, of course, but still. In a bed with Kelly Severide, most women's dream. Matt nearly smirked at that.

"I'll protect you from the nightmares," Kelly assured with only a small amount of sarcasm in his voice, the rest purely genuine. Plus, a twenty-thousand watt smile on his face. "Get some sleep, Case." Kelly suggested softly.

"And they say chivalry is dead," Matt smiled to the darkness.


	9. Opening Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit guys, I think you'll like this one! Enjoy! xx

Matt woke up with the sun floating through the blinds just enough to cover the bed in a soft orange glow. It took him a moment to orient himself, but soon remembered he was in Kelly's house. And judging by the soft weight on his chest, he found Kelly.

Matt looked at the short dark hair that was mere inches from his face, close enough that he could smell the manly man shampoo Kelly used. Matt closed his eyes, and smiled softly. From what he could feel, Kelly had an arm roped around Matt and was happily snoozing away. Matt slowly wrapped his arms tighter around Kelly, reaching a hand into hair and taking a deep inhale of this moment. Because shit, this felt good. Matt himself, couldn't deny that it just felt good to be this close to another human being. Or perhaps, that was exclusively a Kelly effect, he wasn't sure yet. 

Kelly stirred slightly. Matt froze. He didn't know if he was quite ready for this moment to end. 

"I think this constitutes as cuddling." Kelly's raspy morning voice murmured to Matt.

"Yeah." A statement, maybe a question, it was vague either way.

"Is that," Kelly paused for a moment, "Okay?"

"Yeah." Matt replied, letting out an exhale of relief. An inhale of contentment as Kelly shifted his body a few millimetres closer.

Breakfast was a team effort that morning. Both of them had originally gone to bed wearing just their boxers, and nothing else, and neither of them had put anything more on since then. Breakfast consisted of Kelly's signature chocolate chip pancakes, with Matt's breakfast grilled cheese, which was basically exactly the same as regular grilled cheese but different name. Kelly had a good laugh when he found that out, nearly burnt a pancake.

They ate happily. Ignoring the bigger problems of life for now, instead settling on the smaller, lighter things. The kind that Matt didn't have to break his brain in order to figure out. Such as the weather, or what they were doing today, small stuff. Except the topics gradually began to grow in their relevance to the elephant in the room. The large, scary, confusing elephant whose name was Depression. More specifically, Matt's Depression. 

Kelly was the first to break the ice on the subject.

"So," He began, his light and cheery demeanour morphing into a more serious one, "Let's talk." Kelly pushed his empty plate forward and leaned back in his chair, cupping his coffee mug with both hands.

"Okay," Matt replied hesitantly, staring down into his own cup of caffeine.

Minutes of silence passed, and neither of them could find the right words.

"You know in order to  _talk_  we have to say stuff right?" Matt prompted, rubbing a palm up and down the side of his thigh.

"Yeah," Kelly smiled, "So, tell me something then, Case."

"Uhm, I have depression and anxiety?" Matt laughed, albeit a bit dry and slightly sad.

Kelly's smile slowly vanished as the words echoed through his mind. He knew he had to choose his next words carefully. He didn't want to rock whatever boat Matt had going already, Kelly was sure the man must have his own system of dealing with things. Though, when his mind had a sudden flashback to the scars on Matt's leg, he wasn't quite sure if whatever thing Matt had going was a good system.

"How can I help you?"

The words were like a first place medal to a kid at his first derby car race. It was like he had the lucky lottery ticket and he was about to win the jackpot. Kelly damn Severide was offering help. It was a fantastic feeling if ever such a thing did exist.

"You already are," Matt smiled sincerely, his heart pulsing at a million beats a minute. The excitement, the baffling amazement, truly beautiful.

Kelly laughed softly, almost exclusively air escaping lungs. A few minutes later, "But what else can I do?"

"I don't know," Matt shrugged, he felt bad asking anything of the man, even if he was offering.

"Promise to tell me when you do think of something?" Kelly asked, his blue eyes meeting Matt's, trying to search for whatever emotion Matt was emitting.

Matt showed a hint of a smile, "Yeah."

 

After breakfast, they each went on their own way for a while. Kelly played some video games while Matt went out to work on some construction for a while. And when he returned sometime mid-afternoon, Kelly immediately knew something was up.

"Hey, Case." Kelly called to Matt when he saw the man step through the front door and kick off his shoes. 

"Hey." Came Matt's short reply, as he walked from the door to his room.

Kelly was stunned by the sudden change in Matt's mood, he had seemed fine when he had left earlier. But now, there seemed to be something off about him. He hadn't said much and had almost went immediately to his room. Though Kelly knew he had no right to expect Matt to want to be around him all the time, it worried him when he wasn't. Over the next half an hour that passed, Kelly began worrying about Matt. He wondered if maybe he was cutting again, or worse, something more dangerous.

He had to check it out.

Kelly stood outside Matt's bedroom door for a good 5 minutes trying to build up some kind of courage to knock. He didn't want to come across as too overbearing, at the same time he was so worried about Matt.

He decided just to bite the damn bullet. 

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

 

"Yeah?" Came a shaky voice from the other side of the door.

"You okay, Casey?" Kelly said in a quiet voice, leaning his forehead against the cold door.

"Yeah. . ." Was Matt's answer, even though he definitely wasn't, ". . Sort of."

"Can I come in?" Kelly asked softly.

Matt hesitated for a few minutes. He was having a really hard time opening up, even if it was just Kelly. Matt had never let anyone see this much of him before, this was still completely new to him, but he knew he had to start somewhere.           "Sure."

Kelly slowly turned the knob of the door and opened it. The sight which he found himself looking at was different than he had expected. Though not far off from what he would describe as 'should have been expected'.

Matt, laying on the bed staring at the ceiling, eyes red from what Kelly assumed to be crying. He seemed kinda spaced out, but it also looking like he was thinking very deeply about something. Kelly, slightly unsure what he was supposed to do, decided to flop onto the bed beside Matt and stare at the painfully uninteresting ceiling with him. Cause damn, that's what friends do.

"Sev?" Matt's voice was quiet as he began to speak, slightly shaky.

"Yeah," Kelly replied, looking at the plain white colour of the ceiling. He should have picked to paint it florescent pink or something funny like that.

"Is it-" Matt paused, looking for the right words, "Is it dumb to try medication?"

"You mean, like, anti-depressants?"

Matt hummed in affirmation, "Does that make me a shitty person?"

"Not at all," Kelly said in surprise, "The opposite actually."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, getting help takes a lot of balls."

"Huh. . ." Matt replied, thinking to himself inwardly.

Kelly turned his head to face Matt, took in his worried features, "Why? Are you thinking about trying it?"

Matt nodded, "I've been entertaining the idea for a while, yeah."

"Can't hurt right?"

This time Matt turned his head to look at Kelly, a sigh escaping as he closed his eyes for a moment. "Only one way to find out, I guess."

 

Matt was nervous the whole next shift, he had finally made an appointment for the next day and he was scared as shit. He was going to go see the doctor, sure, but that wasn't the nerve wracking part, no. The worst part was that he wasn't even sure if medication would help, he was worried that maybe this was all for nothing and that maybe he didn't actually have as much to hope for as he currently looked for.

The first call of the day during shift didn't help matters much. The house was called to a small building fire as close to the middle of nowhere you could get in the big city of Chicago. It was just your average fire, or at least that's what they thought as they pulled into the small side street. A little cabin sat there, must've been built long before any of their time. Weeds and long grass were overgrowing in the small lawn, and the growth started to attack the house along with tangly vines. A strange sight for such concrete and pavement city.

It was only one story, so the sweep of the small building was over in just a couple of minutes. Everyone was completely sure there would be no-one inside, not when everyone had witnessed how abandoned this house was. But they were definitely mistaken, because it was only seconds into the sweep when Matt and Herrmann pulled out a dead body, burned to a crisp. Clutched in his hands was a steel cross, which Matt assumed used to have a necklace string, before it burnt, and in his other hand, a sturdy steel box. It had the words 'Open when I'm dead.' crudely etched onto the lid. Somebody shoved the box into Matt's arms as they were loading up the trucks after the overhaul had been done. What the shit, was Matt's immediate thought. Why the hell would he want to hold this? Matt shot Kelly a panicked look, to which Kelly gave a small, 'It's gonna be okay' nod.

It helped a little bit, but Matt was still quite rattled. Minutes ago this box was being clutched by a corpse, he didn't want to be holding it now. But he couldn't just drop it where he stood, he owed that much to the man who had passed away. Thankfully Boden was kind enough to take it off his shaking hands for the time being, though Matt made sure to keep his calm so no one knew what was up.

As they returned to the station, Matt's thoughts were full of unsureness, as well as a build up of anxiety, which he could already feel was starting to bubble to the surface. It had turned out that inside the box was a suicide note and his late wife's favourite necklace, which was "to be taken care of". The man had burned himself alive and what the hell was stopping Matt from doing the same to himself. 

Though, Matt had to wonder about that, because he was beginning to feel as though there was now an answer to that question. He felt that he couldn't kill himself, not now that he was becoming so close to Kelly. Not now that he had hope of maybe seeing a day without the mask of a dark cloud. He couldn't leave just yet, not when he was on the brink of perhaps finding a new way of dealing. 

The rest of shift dragged on. He wished he could just snap his fingers and get his stupid appointment over with, but that wasn't the case. Instead, he painstakingly waited though the rest of the afternoon, evening, and night. Unfortunately suffering from more insomnia as well as quite a bit of anxiety.

For some reason, Kelly, the damn guardian angel of his life currently, went with him to his appointment and waited with him in the waiting room while the doctor got ready to see him. Kelly knew how nervous the guy was and couldn't help but wonder if his presence could possibly make things a little easier. Kelly did notice Matt nervously bouncing his leg up and down, so he leaned his own leg against it, pressing their legs together from the knee down. Matt visibly let out a small sigh of relief. Thank everything good in the world that Kelly was there or Matt felt he might just pass out from all the stress. 

"Mr. Casey?" A young nurse called out. Matt stood, and was greeted with a warm smile. "The doctor will see you now."

Matt glanced behind him and received one last nod of support from Kelly before following the nurse to the examination room.

 

"So how are you feeling?" The doctor asked after they had their normal greetings.

"Honestly, not too good." Matt said, his restless hands clasped together.

"Okay," The doctor replied encouragingly, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I think. . . I think I'm depressed."

 

The doctor, after having a good chat with Matt, decided to put him on a medication that would combat the depression side of things as well as the anxiety. On the drive home, as Matt told Kelly about it, he stared at the semi-transparent bottle of pills.

"When do they start to work?" Kelly asked, risking a glance over Matt's way.

"That's the thing, Kel," Matt said with a disheartened shrug, "He said it'll take at least 12 weeks. That's 3 months. 3 more months of depression and anxiety." Matt sighed sadly.

"Wow," Kelly said, eyes widening, "But hey, it'll be okay."

Matt nodded, "I mean, I know. I guess I was just hoping for an instant fix or something, I don't know." Matt laughed dejectedly, looking out the passenger side window.

"Makes sense." Kelly stated, reaching over and placing a hand lightly on Matt's leg for a moment.

 

At home once again, Kelly took great care in making Matt's favourite lunch: Grilled cheese and a root beer float. He knew the man needed a little cheering up, especially since he was just laying sadly in his bed at the moment. Though, Kelly had to admit, Matt definitely perked up a bit when Kelly brought in a tray of the food for him.

"You made me lunch?" Matt questioned, a small smile gracing his weary face.

Kelly smiled and set the tray down, "Heck yeah."

"What would I do without you?" Matt wondered aloud, digging into the grilled cheese.

Kelly just grinned as he left Matt to eat in peace while he cleaned the kitchen. A bit later, he was joined by the blonde haired lieutenant who helped him with the last few dishes. Then, while Matt was starting to brew a fresh pot of coffee, Kelly sat down on the couch, flipping the tv on and finding a good show to watch. Matt joined him, ungracefully plopping down on the couch next to Kelly and pulling a blanket out from under the coffee table and wrapping it around himself. 

Matt nearly fell asleep during their meal of spaghetti, cooked by Matt himself. So it wasn't long after supper that he excused himself to go to bed. Leaving Kelly unsure what to do with himself and slightly curious why Matt was so tired anyways.

Kelly himself didn't stay up as long as he usually would, instead getting into his bed at around 9:30. He laid in bed awake for a while, simply thinking things over. Well, simple might not be the right word for that. Life was never simple enough. He also couldn't stop thinking about Matt. 

Matt. Matt. Matt.

One of those strong guys who seem like they have it together, yet on the inside, they need more help than they let on. Kelly knew he didn't have to be the one helping, but damn if he was gonna stand aside and do nothing. He couldn't. He wanted to help Matt. A sincere, helpless, yearning that nearly made Kelly explode with need to make Matt better.

A quiet knock on his door, opening to Matt's silhouette. Hard to make out in the dark, but he had the form well memorized.

"Matt?" Kelly rasped sleepily, rubbing a hand across the side of his face and the stubble that was growing along his jaw.

Matt didn't really say anything other than a small, "Hey." As he entered Kelly's room, shutting the door. The small amount of moonlight that flooded the room wasn't much, but it was just enough for Kelly to be able to see Matt walking towards his bed.

Wordlessly and much to Kelly's surprise, Matt pulled up the sheets on the empty side of Kelly's bed. Kelly was worried about Matt, he wondered what was wrong. Had he had another bad dream, did he cut himself again? He wasn't sure, and neither did he want to be so blunt as to straight up ask right now. Matt had come to him, so he'd let Matt be, and if he did need something Kelly would get right on it.

Matt got under the covers and shivered. He shuffled around for a minute before stopping for a moment and then shuffling again. What Kelly hadn't realized, was that Matt had been shuffling closer and closer to him. A mere moment later, he had a head resting against his shoulder, and a hand clasping his own.

"Bad dream," Matt murmured, hand tightening on Kelly's.

"C'mere." Kelly said, pulling Matt closer so that he was wrapped up in strong arms. Matt's head gently resting against the nook between Kelly's neck and shoulder; their heartbeats were pumping in sync.

"I got you." Kelly whispered in Matt's ear.

"I know." Matt mumbled back.


	10. Little Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this new chapter, love to you all! xx <3

Matt had clung onto Kelly throughout the night, and Kelly just the same to Matt. Neither wanted to let go of the feeling, the time spent in the dark with just the two of them. Matt's nightmare had dissipated to nothing, just the same as his fear of getting into Kelly's bed had until he'd manned up and just went for it. He wasn't exactly surprised by Kelly's reaction, but he had to admit that he had been unsure. He didn't want to overstep boundaries when Kelly was already giving so damn much to him. His hands were open in front of him giving him everything, and yet here Matt was, asking for more.

Except the little known fact, was that this is what Kelly wanted. He needed to know when Matt needed him, and what he needed him for. He couldn't read minds, after all. As observant as he tried to be, Matt had built his walls so damn high that even a plane could just barely get over them, and Kelly didn't have his pilot license. But it was fine, he was about ready to just hop into a plane, start the engine and go. He wasn't too worried, he knew it would work out.

The next morning Kelly woke up to a weigh on top of him, pleasantly discovering it was a sleepy Matt. Kelly smiled, using his built up courage to thread his fingers into Matt's hair. 

"Morning," Matt's low raspy morning voice reverberated against Kelly's chest, which he was currently burying himself in.

"Hey there, Matty," Kelly said softly, massaging Matt's scalp gently as he played with the soft blonde hair, twirling circles around his hairline.

Matt hummed in approval as his eyes fluttered closed again and he started falling back asleep. Kelly very very carefully edged out from under him once he was deeply sleeping again. Laying a hand flat on Matt's chest before pulling the covers back over him. It was pretty chilly out and he wanted to keep Matt warm, even if he was already wearing a hoodie and tight fitting sweatpants. Kelly on the other hand was only in his usual boxer glory, so he quickly padded over to his dresser to find some warm clothes, which he found. He decided to wear his favourite pair of joggers and a white, long-sleeved henley. 

When Matt woke up for the second time and headed to the kitchen, he was pleasantly surprised to see Kelly standing by the kitchen window, sipping at his morning cup of coffee. Kelly turned around at the sight of footsteps, and glanced towards the blonde.

He watched as Matt poured himself a coffee, before joining him by the window, leaning against the counter. 

"So," Kelly started, "Wanna come get some groceries with me today? We're running low on a bunch of stuff."

Matt smiled, "Sure. I was going to pay for the groceries from now on, after all."

"Great," Kelly returned, a small grin gracing his lips as he nodded his head.    "Sleep well?" He added.

Matt blushed, "Really well. You?"

"I slept fantastic," Kelly smiling a little bigger, yet softly. Happiness was like a drug flowing through his veins.

 

Matt drove them to the grocery store, and together they got some of the things the were running out of. They had a good system, Kelly pushed the cart around while Matt threw stuff in. They were getting quite a few odd looks, but they were unsure whether it was because of their immaturity, or their obvious closeness, but they didn't actually care. The were perfectly content to have a nice time, even if it was just due to the groceries they were getting. Kelly had been hearing Matt laugh more and more lately, he was getting a little looser at work, and he seemed less exhausted. Kelly had to hope it was because of him, but even if it wasn't, he was simply glad that it he seemed to be doing just a little bit better.

At the checkout, they had somewhat of an altercation with the cashier, he had thought they were a couple and had refused them service.

"Get outta my lane you fags." The middle aged man snarled in their direction.

Both Matt and Kelly looked up in surprise, "Are you talking to us?" Matt said, confusion evident.

"Yeah, you fruitcakes better get outta my sight, or else I'm gonna have a real big problem with you." The offensive man's voice rose with each word.

" _Actually_ , we're just roommates," Kelly boomed, "And we're firefighters with the CFD, if you're refusing us service we're about to have 'a real big problem with you.' Aren't we, Case?" He said, not breaking eye contact with the cashier, his voice level and his face straight as he put the dickhead in his place.

"Damn right, Sev." Matt stood tall and crossed his arms, staring down the cashier along with his fellow lieutenant.

The cashier shrunk back, his eyes widening as the two men towered at least a foot above him. "Sorry, carry on." He muttered, quickly moving their items through the scanner.

 

After loading the groceries in the car, Matt broke into giggles. "Did you see his face?" 

"Redder than a tomato," Kelly chuckled, "Damn idiot."

Matt laughed so hard tears started falling from his face, "Kel, he was so scared of us, that was hilarious."

Kelly just laughed with him, admiring Matt and his sense of humour, as he pulled out of the grocery store parking lot. Later on, after they got everything into the house and put away, Matt was exhausted. 

"You should have a nap," Kelly suggested as he watched Matt let out what must have been his fiftieth yawn in the past half hour.

"I wouldn't be able to sleep anyways," Matt shrugged, plopping into a chair by the kitchen table. 

"Well," Kelly said, walking toward Matt and reaching a hand down to him, "You haven't even tried.

Matt laughed and took the hand that was being offered to him; Kelly helped him up. Pulling him by the hand, Kelly led Matt to Kelly's room. Before they made it, Matt gave Kelly a light yank on his hand, immediately freezing him in his tracks and spinning him around. 

"Everything okay?" Kelly asked with concern.

"Yeah, I just-" Matt trailed off, slowly stepping toward the dark haired lieutenant and pulling him into a tight hug.     "Thanks for everything, Kelly."

Kelly smiled into the hug, "You got it," He replied, embracing him back just as tightly.

"Alright, let's get some sleep into you, Lieutenant." Kelly said with a smirk, lowering his arms to to pick up Matt and throw him over his shoulder. Matt yelped in surprise, but went with it.

Matt was soon deposited ungracefully onto Kelly's bed, in other words, he was thrown. The motion put Kelly off balance and he collapsed on top of Matt. Suddenly, here they were, face to face again. Lips, mere inches apart. Beating hearts even closer, hammering in their chests.

"Matt." Kelly said softly, eyes full of their usual brightness.

"Yeah?" Matt asked, his breath taken away from his lungs.

"I  _really_  like you." He said, implying more than just the tolerability than a person, more so insinuating that he  _like_  liked Matt.

Matt was hit by a wave of surprise, he was taken aback, though still had enough wits about him to grab Kelly by the back of his head and smash their lips together. He figured that would sufficiently answer Kelly's statement, perhaps letting Kelly know that,  _hey, Matt likes you too._

He knew Kelly didn't  _like_  just everybody just, he didn't say it that way to just anyone. He knew it was special. Yet the monsters started slithering to the front of his mind. "He doesn't really mean it," -  "you don't mean anything to anyone," they'd say. They turned his feeling capacity down to 10% and soon Matt was back there. He was back down in the bottom of the very same deep, dark pit that he had been trying to get the fuck out of since day one in his journey with depression.

Kelly immediately noticed the change and assumed Matt changed his mind about the kiss, "Matt, I'm sorry I shouldn't have-"

"Kelly, I need- . . help." Matt uttered the words out with a shaky voice, and Kelly wasted no more than a millisecond in complying.

"C'mere, Matty." 

Matt used whatever energy he had left to crawl with Kelly underneath the covers and get close. Kelly held onto Matt so tight. Tighter than he had before.

"What's happening, Matty?" Kelly wondered aloud, his concern taking over his voice.

Matt was completely shutting down, zoning out, panic attack was starting and he could barely say a word, but he knew he had to try to explain to Kelly what was going on.

"P-p-pan-panick 't-tak."

"Okay, it's okay. It's okay, I got you."

Matt nodded, and let himself be held.

Usually he hated anyone being even remotely close to him while he was having an attack, but Kelly was an exception. 

It was over sooner than normal, Matt figured he had Kelly to thank for that. But Matt remained completely and utterly exhausted. He was so tired.

"K-kel?"

"Yeah?" Kelly replied, running his hand gently through blonde hair.

"Ple-please do-don't g-go" Matt pleaded.

Kelly cupped his hand around the one that was clutching a fistful of his shirt. "I'm not going anywhere, Matty. Don't worry, I've got you."

Matt nodded in place of stumbling and stuttering over more words. Soon, after calming himself to the beat of Kelly's heart, Matt was able to fall asleep. While holding Matt's solid form, Kelly picked up his phone and googled everything he could find on panic attacks.

 

It was a only two days later until Matt had another bad attack. Thankfully it was within the walls of their house, so Kelly was able to hold Matt again. But it worried Kelly that perhaps another time would be different, maybe they'd be at work and Kelly couldn't hold Matt, or what if Matt was at a construction gig and Kelly wouldn't know if he needed him?

It worried Kelly enough that he installed an app on Matt's phone. All Matt would have to do is open the app, that's all he would have to do, and then it would send an alert to Kelly's phone. This gave Kelly slight peace of mind, and if it helped Kelly then Matt was fine with it too.

Damn what a fucked up thing mental illness was.

It was the morning after shift and they had just gotten home and settled on the couch to have their routine of coffee and a movie. About halfway through, Matt sat his empty cup on the coffee table, paused the movie and turned to Kelly. 

"I have a question for you," Matt asked in all seriousness, his eyes pale blue and guarded.

"Anything," Kelly asked softly.

"I appreciate everything and all..." Matt started taking a few moments to peace together his words in the way he wanted, "But why are you doing all this for me?"

 Without skipping a beat, "Because you're worth it."

Matt grinned sheepishly, averting his gaze down, that was something he was pretty sure he had never heard in his life. Nobody had really ever said anything like that to him before. And he wasn't sure exactly how to respond, but then again, he didn't really have to because Kelly continued. "Plus, like I said earlier, I  _like_  you."

Butterflies in Matt's stomach, is that what they felt like? Nobody had ever given him butterflies before, Matt shivered at the feeling, it felt funny. "Woah."

"You okay?" Kelly chuckled, his eyes lighting up in amusement.

"Yeah," Matt laughed, pressing play on the remote, shuffling a little closer to Kelly. Under his breath, "More than okay."

A few seconds turned into a few hours, which turned into nighttime. The sun had long since gone down, but neither felt like leaving the other, or moving at all, for that matter. So it was laying on the couch, on top of each other, limbs intertwined and soft breathing that matched the comforting atmosphere.

Happiness was in the little things.


	11. Figuring it Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops here's where it gets a little more heated, sorry not sorry! ;) Enjoy peeps!

Matt felt a little stiff waking up. He'd fallen asleep on the couch. Though, upon further recollection, he remembered he wasn't alone. Suddenly he was forgetting about the slight pain in his neck, and instead focused on the body laying on top of his, the head that was resting against his chest. He watched in fascination as the short dark hair moved up and down in time with his breathing. He noticed one hand pillowing his head, the other subconsciously grabbing a fistful of Matt's t-shirt. Matt wished he could freeze time, take a snapshot of this moment so he could come back and just feel it again. Though, he'd have to settle for pulling the blankets around them a little more tightly and perhaps sticking to not waking the other man up quite yet. There would be lots of time for waking up later, they didn't have shift today. 

Kelly stirred, as if he had heard Matt thinking. But Matt just held Kelly's head closer to his chest, letting his other hand rest on his back. This kept Kelly sleeping for a while longer and provided Matt with some time time to study the complexness of the beautifully knit together and expertly designed:  _Kelly Severide_.

 

Matt wasn't sure how he managed, but after a while, he snuck out from beneath Kelly's sleeping form without waking him up. Matt set to work on breakfast, deciding to cook up some eggs and bacon. The pan sizzled and the aroma of the savoury breakfast food wafted through the house. Matt was still surprised that Kelly hadn't woken up, food was usually the first thing on Kelly's mind in the morning. Matt split the eggs and bacon between two plates, and set them on the table before walking to the couch and waking up Kelly.

"Sev." Matt whispered, kneeling down beside the couch, threading fingers through dark hair.

Kelly didn't reply, or move, or anything really.

Matt leaned a little closer, "Sevy?"

Still no reply.

Matt bent forward even more, enough that he was able to plant a kiss on Kelly's soft lips.

"Wakey wakey," Matt grinned mischievously.

Kelly cracked one eye open and stared at Matt in amusement. "Morn'n," He murmered, a smirk on his face despite his groggy state.

"Breakfast is ready, c'mon, Kel." Matt stood back up, extending a hand to Kelly.

Kelly grabbed the hand, and much to Matt's surprise, Kelly gave a sharp yank on Matt's arm, sending him toppling right onto the couch. Matt had just enough time to react and he managed to slip an elbow beside either side of Kelly's head, keeping him from smashing into his fellow lieutenant. 

Kelly, grabbed Matt by the back of the head and pulled him in for a nice long good morning kiss. Because guess what, kissing is fun. Specifically kissing Matty, that was just Kelly's new most favourite thing.

"Bacon," Matt tried to utter a sentence between the languid kisses, "Gonna. . Mmm. . Get. . . Cold."

Kelly reluctantly and very slowly came to a stop, he had a hard time making his mind take control of his lips away from his heart. An even harder time was trying to get his stomach to make his legs get up and get food. Because  _shit_ , every damn molecule of Kelly wanted to be right where he was, kissing this man, on this couch, on this beautiful and fucking dandy day. Thankfully Matt had enough willpower for both of them and this time when he stood and extended a hand, Kelly accepted it and let himself be pulled upright.

Kelly didn't miss the smile on Matt's face as they walked over to the kitchen table. Kelly also didn't miss the way Matt rubbed at his neck while they ate together.

"Neck sore?" Kelly asked around a mouthful of egg and toast.

Matt nodded, his mouth was full. Once he swallowed, "Yeah, courtesy of the couch." He said, making a drastic sweeping motion in the direction of the thing.

Kelly winced, "Sorry man, I shouldn't have fallen asleep on you." 

"Worth it." The blonde grinned.

 

 The two of them then decided to dig into the pie from the previous night, the one they couldn't eat because of their lack of utensils. They each ate about a quarter and then decided to save the other half for later. It was a beautiful day out, Kelly noticed this.

"Wanna go for a run with me?" Kelly asked, after they finished cleaning up some dishes.

"Not up for it today, Sev." Matt said with a regretful smile, "Raincheck?" 

"Of course," Kelly said brightly, then suddenly his demeanour dropped to a different tone, his eyes momentarily lost their brightness as they looked into Matt's eyes, searching them. "But then promise me something?"

"Hmm?" Matt wondered, scratching the back of his head as he waited for the rest of Kelly's thought process to verbalize.

"Please, please don't do anything stupid."

Matt looked down to the floor.  _Shit_. He wanted to agree right there and then, but what if he couldn't stop himself? He really hated the idea of breaking a promise to Kelly.

"I- I'll try." Matt mumbled, not looking up.

"Okay," Kelly said, seeming to understand that's the best Matt could do for the time being.

The front door clicked as it closed, separating him and Kelly. Matt felt the urge to do something  _really stupid_  the second after Kelly jogged away. He felt the urge to get out that sharp piece of steel and start making marks. He wanted to take that burning blade, that saving grace in disguise, he wanted to take it and slash it across his leg. He wanted, in fact he felt as if he needed to see that bright red blood. He wanted to feel that pain, not because he was numb, but because he wanted himself to hurt. He had started finding happiness and he definitely didn't deserve it. Matt currently had this amazing person by the name of Kelly, who was helping him get through some tough shit, and here he was, weak little Matt. Couldn't fight for himself or win his own battles if he tried, so pathetic.

Matt tried to fight off the monsters on his own but he was having a struggle trying to make heads or tails of all of it. He was overwhelmed by everything, he was having a hard time getting past the moment, and he wasn't sure he would be able to keep Kelly's promise.

Matt started to panic, he was resisting every single nerve and fibre of his being. Everything inside told him to lock himself in the bathroom and rip apart his skin. Yet there was this little section of his heart that was holding him back, it was the piece that had absorbed Kelly's request. 

                _"Don't do anything stupid."_

Matt had to ignore the parts of himself that were telling him to do bad things and instead focus on listening to Kelly. It was so hard. He was going against every grain of his body, which was silly in a way, because it seemed that his body was trying to switch on it's self destruct mode for some reason. It was a built-in tripwire and he had to try to figure it all out, which wire to cut, which to leave intact, how to not blow up.

Matt's body continued to panic as it fought amongst itself, as it struggled with the problems so close to the surface whilst also being so far down, he couldn't see the end of them. 

Kelly arrived home to a quiet house. Not that he was expecting it to be bustling, or even loud, for that matter. But he couldn't help but feel some eerie sense that something was amiss. He walked into the living room to find Matt watching TV, which seemed all good and normal, until he took a closer look at Matt himself.

Matt's face had the qualities of a ghost; his eyes gave away the sense of feeling lost, and he was very pale. His face had a slight sheen to it, what Kelly could only assume was sweat, and his clammy hands were clasped tightly together on his lap, white knuckles making their subtle appearance. Kelly was already worried about that, but in addition, Matt appeared to be somewhat unresponsive. Or at least, that was what Kelly assumed, because the man hadn't looked up from the TV since Kelly walked into the room

"Matty?" Severide began, taking steps closer.

Matt's head whipped over to the Kelly, his eyes saucers. "I uhh..."

"You okay?"

Matt began to nod his head very surely at first. Which only turned into a confused, hesitant move of his head, which proceeded smoothly into an unsure shake of his head from side to side. Kelly, despite being sweaty from his hour-long run, immediately sat next to the blonde and pulled him into his grasp. He pressed the blonde with his back to Kelly's chest, his arms wrapped around him like a seatbelt. Matt flung his shaky hands loosely around Kelly's arm and let himself be held. Because holy shit he needed this so bad. Kelly kissed the top of his blonde hair. Matt had been frozen in a cold sweat from all the tension and stress, but every single tingly bolt that shot through his spine with each beat of Kelly's heart began warming him up from the inside out.

"You're all sweaty, you should shower." Matt mumbled softly as he felt the damp fabric of Kelly's shirt a while later. But he didn't mind the perspiration, since he, himself, was just as sweaty. 

Kelly looked to Matt whose eyes were closed from the relaxation of leaning against Kelly. His head rested against the arm Kelly had flung around Matt. He was content and his mind was quiet, what more could the blonde ask for?

"You're sweaty too," Kelly reminded him with a short chuckle, his arms not growing any looser.

Matt nearly laughed, but instead settled for a big grin, "Difference is that I'm too tired to shower."

"I went for a run, I'm tired-er."

"That isn't a word," Matt pointed out, his smirk growing in size.

"Whatever." Kelly said, making a move to stand up, to which Matt replied with an unsatisfied grunt.

"Well, if  _you're_  not going to shower, and  _I'm_  not going to shower. Then going for a dip in the hot tub is the only option left."

Matt's jaw was agape, "You have a hot tub?" 

Kelly finally managed to peel himself away from Matt and stood; which was no easy task since his arm was being gripped by a firefighter who was definitely used to handling a big hose.

"No, but I have a jacuzzi bathtub in my bathroom, same thing.

Matt squinted his eyes, trying to get his BS meter up and running, "You do not." 

"I'll prove it, c'mon," Kelly reached a hand out to help the blonde up.

Matt's face lit up somewhat and Kelly could sense the curiosity that the other man currently possessed. Matt's hand met Kelly's and within the next second Matt was standing. Their hands didn't separate from each other even the slightest bit as they walked to Kelly's room, Matt was beginning to really like this odd relationship they were beginning to unearth. He was so worried he was gonna mess this up. This was too good to be true, he knew that. But if all of a sudden, Kelly changed his mind and wasn't into the whole comfort and cuddly thing, then Matt was very unsure of what he was going to do.

Matt had to say, he was rather surprised to find that Kelly had, in fact, not been bullshitting in the slightest. There in the corner of his bathroom, was a jacuzzi with jets that, to his sore muscles, looked very inviting.

Kelly took in Matt's entirely taken aback look and felt quite amused. He strode towards the tub and turned the warm water on and began filling it up.

"Ready?" He asked as he added a little soap to the water which was filling the tub surprisingly quick. 

"You were serious?" Matt asked in confusion, an odd look on his face.

Kelly took four big steps and he was in front of Matt. "Of course," He said softly, as if it made all the sense in the world, a small smile spreading across his face. Kelly leaned forward slowly, switching his gaze back and forth between Matt's bright blue eyes and his soft pale lips. Matt had flutters that traveled from the very bottom depths of his stomach right up to the back of his throat as Kelly's lips met his. He hoped that was a feeling that would never go away.

Him and Kelly's lips, they seemed like they slipped together like a well oiled machine. It was as if in another life they had already been together for years and this was a well practised routine. Them kissing each other slowly and just enjoying every single little square millimetre that was touching the other. Then deepening, as if their life depended on it and they were the only two people left on this floating rock.

Kelly reached down to the bottom hem of Matt's shirt and pulled it up and over the blonde head of hair, leaving the other man shirtless. Matt repeated the action to Kelly as their kiss intensified, throwing his shirt somewhere across the room. Kelly slowly walked backwards, not removing Matt's lips from his as he led them towards the jacuzzi. Matt removed his hands from their place on Kelly's hips, only to reach to the front of Kelly's jogging shorts and hook two fingers in the waistband. Kelly gasped into the kiss as tingles ran through him; it had been a while since anyone had gotten this  _close_  to him. 

It was mere minutes later that, thanks to Matt, Kelly's shorts were puddled on the floor around his ankles. Wasn't long after that when Kelly countered, unbuckling Matt's belt and unhooking the button on his jeans,  _then pulling down his zipper._

Matt pulled Kelly right up close to him, skin was touching from the chest down, except for where their boxers got in the way.

Matt spun them around and rammed Kelly back-first into the wall, soft enough not to hurt him, hard enough to elicit a moan. Matt attacked Kelly's neck with his own lips as he sucked and nipped at the sensitive skin, making sure he left his mark. Meanwhile, simultaneously grinding up against the dark-haired lieutenant's groin, their members rubbing against each other in such a way that made them both make short breathy moans. 

Matt's mind was running a million miles a minute, he didn't want to mess this up. He didn't want to make a mistake. He wanted this so bad, but what if Kelly would regret this happening later? He couldn't do that to the other man.

Of course, Kelly seemed to have read his mind. He slowed and let his eyes find Matt's. They didn't need to talk to know what the other was thinking. It was a simple nod from Kelly which meant,  _I want this_ , and,  _are you okay with this?_  at the same time. Matt nodded back, accepting on both scores and ultimately feeling like this was  _so_  right. Kelly reached in Matt's boxers slowly, pulling out his pulsating member, before reaching into his own boxers. He held both erections in the same hand and stroked both of them simultaneously, and it was so  _hot_. Matt groaned as he bit into Kelly's shoulder, trying to find a way to cope with the sensory overload that Kelly was providing him with. The heavy breathing and the erotic sounds that flooded into his ears, the sight of Kelly with barely any clothes on, touching him in places that he hadn't even known he'd ever want Kelly to touch him. 

Matt was aroused by the very definition of the word, his heart kicked into over drive and he could feel the familiar build up starting to form, signalling he was mighty close to the checkered flag. To top it off, Kelly leaned forward and began nibbling Matt's ear, making shivers run down his spine. His veins were coursing with something more potent than the worlds most ecstatic drug. Needless to say, it did not take much for him to spill his load all over Kelly's hand and member. Matt's body stuttered as he thrust his hips against Kelly's hand and crashed against his chest, the sheer intensity of the orgasm catching him of guard and forcing him to regain his balance.

This just threw Kelly that much further ahead, and he was right behind Matt. He was just about to come, when Matt swatted his hand away, replacing it with his own. That made it feel just  _that_  much better and a second later, it was Kelly who was collapsing against Matt. Though he was able to regain his composure a little faster than Matt had been able to.

Kelly leaned his weight against the wall and Matt leaned against Kelly's chest. The adrenaline from moments earlier was already wearing off and was being replaced by exhaustion on some level. Kelly looked over and noticed that they had finished just in time. The water was at just the right level and it looked very welcoming, so he turned the knob, shutting the faucet off.

Matt was the more tired of the two, so he didn't really do much other than let Kelly remove his boxers and help him into the tub. Kelly followed and wasn't at all surprised when Matt leaned his back against Kelly's chest. They were tucked in the corner of the tub and the steamy water was very relaxing for their tired bodies.

"So that happened." Matt murmured, linking his hands with Kelly's under the sudsy water.

Kelly smiled a soft smile, kissing the left side of Matt's head since it was resting on his right shoulder. "Yeah, you okay?"

"More than okay." He replied, closing his eyes as the heat penetrated his body.

Unsurprisingly, he nearly fell asleep like that. He was tired from both the panic attack and the orgasm, so he felt like he'd been hit with a double whammy. The only thing that kept his weary body and mind from passing the hell out, was that for the first time in quite some time. Matt just really wanted to remember this moment. He wanted to have this on his playback menu, so that whenever he needed it, Matt could just close his eyes and remember this exact moment. This exact feeling; Kelly's bare skin against his own, the heavenly smell of the bath, the feeling of being this relaxed, this content, this sane. 

The water was past lukewarm and bordering on the edge of cold before they finally got out of the tub. Their hands were wrinkled beyond recognition, and they were definitely not warm anymore by the time they got out and were faced with a cold draft breezing against their wet skin. Kelly grabbed a towel for himself first, wrapping it around his waist, before grabbing another towel and tossing it to Matt.

They quickly dried off and threw on fresh boxers, but the house was still cold. Finally the seasons were changing and it was slowly turning from fall into winter. Kelly kicked up the thermostat a bit before beelining it too his bed, grabbing Matt on his way and dragging him along. He playfully shoved Matt onto the bed first, covering him up from chin to toe in warm blanket. Then he joined the blonde and slipped under the covers himself.

Matt grinned as he scooted closer to Kelly, and pulled him into his arms, holding him tight as their shivers slowly faded away and the warmth began to grow.


	12. In Sickness

The days began flying by. Matt kept living in Kelly's house, and things in his life finally seemed to be falling together instead of apart. He rarely slept in his own bed anymore, he always seemed to find his way into the bed of the dark-haired lieutenant. Kelly didn't mind that at all though, he had never slept as good in his life. Something about the presence of the blonde was comforting and so inviting. Kelly was beginning to wonder if the hole in his heart that he hadn't been able to fill, was finally starting to become less empty.

The panic attacks were getting more and more seldom, Matt usually only had one per week, these days. However, this was 11 weeks into his medication, so he could technically say it was that which was making him better. Except something inside of him, told him that the dark-haired lieutenant had something to do with it. It felt so freeing to not be on edge all the time, to not feel like stressing about every single little thing. It had been so long since he had felt this mellow, if ever.

Matt's depression though, that was a different story entirely. It was still taking over, but he was trying not to let that show. He was trying to remain a strong wall for all the people that were leaning on him, but it was hard. It's really tricky to try to help other people when sometimes you can't even help yourself. But at the same time, that's what seemed to keep Matt going. Worrying about other people and trying to make them happy instead, it helped him cope in a way. At least he wasn't a completely useless human being, even if he felt that way so often. 

Technically the medication still had a week to go before it would start working fully. But at this point, Matt was beginning to wonder if anything could help him. He had started mentally preparing himself in a way, trying to get himself ready for the possibility that this is just how he'd feel for the rest of his life. As shitty it was, it seemed like the most likely scenario.

Maybe these depressing thoughts, these scary monsters in his mind, were melded into his DNA. Perhaps, that was just how he was constructed, built from the bottom up on sad feelings and dead nerves. Matt almost wondered sometimes if he really cared to be happy though. It seemed like so much work to not be sad, so maybe he should just settle for the cards he'd been dealt.

But he seen the carefree and happy demeanour of so many people lately, and he kinda wished he had that. He needed to tell someone, talk about all this shit to someone other than himself, but he hated being the centre of attention at the pity party. These days, he and Kelly usually talked about everything and then some, but Matt hated putting more on Kelly's plate than he needed to. He didn't want Kelly to feel sad just because he was sad. Yet he just needed to get it out of his system, find a way to figure out how to relieve himself of this built up tension. He had briefly thought about seeing a therapist but he couldn't see that working for him. Plus, then it seemed like it would be official. It would be too official and he didn't know if he was ready for that kind of label.

"How you feeling?" Kelly gingerly asked. He could tell Matt was zoned out, and by the look in his eyes, he'd been thinking way too hard about something quite heavy.

Matt's eyes jerked over to meet Kelly's gaze. A stream of vision that was somewhat questioning while simultaneously comforting. "Fine. . . -ish. . I dunno."

They were in Kelly's office, it was barely 6:30am and neither had it in them to sleep. Kelly was doing paperwork, while Matt was laying on top of the bed with his arms crossed behind his bed as he stared up at the ceiling.

Kelly stood from his desk chair and stretched out his weary muscles. Matt watched with his glazed over eyes, barely enough energy to keep them focused. The dark-haired lieutenant walked over to the man on the bed, and gingerly sat down on the edge.

Kelly didn't say anything, though, he didn't really have to. He was content just sitting next to Matt and watching his tired form.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this." The words escaped Matt's tongue with an unpleasant aftertaste, one filled with anxiety and weary exhaustion.

Kelly, concerned. "Do what?"

"I dunno. . . Everything."

"C'mere," Kelly soothed. It was a little routine of theirs. The meld of their bodies into a comforting hold when one or the other was in pain of any kind, visible or invisible. Matt curled around Kelly and laid a head gingerly on his lap. The blinds were pulled and it was dark, so their worries of being caught compromisingly were not too strong. "You can do it, Matty."

A small smile from Matt, and just as he was about to reply, a siren from above.

A call that led them to the industrial side of Chicago. A small warehouse among many of its kind, smoke streaming from the front bay door, and from the man door beside it. Shouting from Boden sent the teams straight into action, hesitation came from no-one. Each member of  51 knew their place and realized the hierarchy of the house, they knew exactly who to listen to and respect was rarely an issue.

The main concern was the large drums full of explosive gas stacked inside the warehouse in front of them. If they blew, the size of an entire square block would be taken out, and all these brave firemen with it. So this was their first priority, along with saving every living soul they could find. The scream of fire in their ears, the sting of smoke in their eyes; that was the only fuel the two lieutenants needed in order to keep going. They were born with this sixth sense, it was woven in the very fibres of their being, the instincts of a firefighter.

A shout from a familiar voice, one that belonged to a certain dark-haired man, caught Matt's attention. He needed the big-ass saw to save a dude pinned by a falling piece of steel that had lodged it's way onto his leg. Matt was there in twenty seconds, if that, saw in hand. Between the two of them, another two minutes to get the guy out of the building, just in time for Boden to call the  _all clear._  Because that fire was getting awfully close to those drums and they were about to be roasted over the fire like a marshmallow. They fought the fire with hoses and water that shot powerfully across the inside of the warehouse, at a rate that would seemingly fill an empty ocean in no time.

The fire was mere  _feet_ away from the barrels of explosive matter when the it was finally dispersed. Finally, they let out a weary sigh of relief, but their call was far from over. They began putting out the smaller flames and started the overhaul. Squad head out nearly straight away, leaving it to Truck to do the overhaul. Matt was a little dismayed to watch Kelly go, but relieved that the dark-haired man would have some time to catch some sleep before the end of shift. Matt on the other hand, would probably not be so lucky, there's no way they would be done here before their shift technically ended.

Kelly had been waiting, leaning against the hood of his car, for about an hour after shift ended by the time Truck finally pulled back into the bay door of Firehouse 51. Matt looked awful as he walked out of the door of the firehouse ten minutes later. Kelly waved at him from the car, and Matt immediately gravitated to him in a slight half-awake state. 

"Thought you'd have been home already," Matt chuckled hoarsely as he seated himself in the passenger side of the car, pulling the seatbelt across him.

Kelly, turning the key in the ignition and bringing the car to life, "And leave you to find a ride him in your condition?" Kelly smiled lightly, "I'm not that mean."

Matt snorted, "That's what you think," He said sarcastically with a wink.

"How was overhaul?"

"Tiring, complicated." Matt rubbed his eyes and Kelly watched as a yawn escaped from his mouth.

"Well, let me make take you out to breakfast and then I'll get you home and tucked in, alright?"

"Mmm," Matt smiled, leaning back into the seat as Kelly drove off in the direction, "I wouldn't say no to that." 

"Perfect, it's a date." Kelly replied happily, putting the car into gear and taking the two of them to their favourite diner. 

 

"Hello, my name is Sadie and I'll be your waitress today," A young woman with a big grin and blonde hair said to Kelly and Matt as she approached their table. "Can I start you two off with a drink?" She asked, handing them their menus.

"Coffee." Matt and Kelly said simultaneously.

The waitress giggled, "Sure thing! Coming right up."

They opened their menus and began browsing, looking for a breakfast able to fill their hungry stomachs. Kelly found what he wanted to eat nearly right away, but he could see Matt was struggling with selecting something..

"What are you having?" Kelly prompted.

"I-I can't even think," Matt smiled sheepishly, "Pick something for me."

"You bet," Kelly chuckled softly, "I got your back."

They had some small talk about the long overhaul from the previous call, as well as Casey's pounding headache. And before long the waitress was back with their steaming hot cups of joe. 

"Can I take your orders?" Sadie asked, sending an extra smile Kelly's way.

"I'll have the Western Omelet, and he's having Strawberry Pancakes." Kelly said, handing the waitress the menus.

"Alright! That'll be right up." Sadie smiled, writing the order down in her notepad.

After the waitress left, Matt leaned back into the booth cushion, his hands cupped around his coffee cup. "Yes."

"Yes what?" Kelly asked curiously.

"Yes to Strawberry Pancakes."

"I picked right?"

"I mean, food is food, so there wasn't really a  _wrong_  answer. But you picked good." 

The food was amazing, and the Strawberry Pancakes were more than Matt could ever hope for. Despite being half asleep the entire time, Matt was having a great time. He wasn't even sure if his day could get better than it was right then and there, besides the underlying depression of course. 

"Let's get you home, big guy." Kelly said with a grin as he left a couple of twenties on the table, and drained the rest of his coffee.

"Calling me fat, Sevy?" Matt asked with a sleepy yawn.

"Well you ate enough pancakes," Kelly murmured, feigning disgust.

Matt chuckled, "Whatever."

 

Once at home and safely inside the front door, they were finally able to share their first kiss of the day. A slow, careful meeting of the lips. A casual pace that incited nothing more and nothing less than a simple kiss. 

"Thanks for breakfast, Sev." Matt smiled, letting Kelly hug him close and hold their bodies together. 

"Anytime," Kelly smiled, leaving a kiss on the side of the blonde's head.

"I think I need to sleep." Matt mumbled, muffling a yawn into Kelly's shoulder. "And I think I'd like-" Matt paused to yawn again, "I'd like you to join me."

Kelly grinned, "Of course."

Kelly kicked off his shoes, and Matt followed suit. The same happened to their jackets, which Kelly hung up on the coat rack. 

Matt started towards Kelly's bedroom, and flopped down onto the bed. 

"C'mon, at least put some comfy clothes on," Kelly spoke softly, rolling Matt onto his back and undoing the button and zipper of his jeans.

"You better not be trying to jump me, Severide, I'm unable to properly consent." Matt said in the most serious voice he could manage, which turned more playful, "I'm drunk. Like, SLEEP-drunk."

"I see. Well, hello Sleep-drunk, I'm Kelly and I'll be removing your pants today."

"Mmm," Matt nodded, his eyes drooping closed, "Kay."

"Go to sleep." Kelly snorted, shaking his head in amusement.

"Can't unless you get in here with me." Matt said confidently, his eyes shooting open.

Kelly rid himself of his own pants, "I'm coming, stop being impatient." 

And then they were both in bed, warming each other up as they clung tight to one another. Matt finally was able to rest and Kelly was happy to see that, he hated to see Matt so rundown. Matt was the first to fall asleep, half on top of Kelly and relaxed for the first time that day. But Kelly wasn't far after, his arms wrapped around the blonde tightly, as if he was the only important thing Kelly had in the world. Though, in some ways he was. Matt was beginning to mean more to Kelly than ever before. More than he had since the Darden days, when the trio was closer knit than ever, which was saying a lot. 

When Matt awoke, it was to his stomach feeling deathly and his headache from shift becoming even worse. Matt groaned as he slid off of Kelly and ran to the bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet before he began violently coughing and throwing up the contents of his stomach. 

Kelly who had woken up just a few seconds after Matt, didn't hesitate in following the man into the bathroom. He knelt behind Matt and began softly rubbing his back. "It's okay, let it out." 

Matt threw up several more times before his stomach became empty and his lightheadedness made him basically collapse onto the toilet. Kelly stood to fetch a cup of cold water for Matt to at least rinse his mouth out with, and was back in no time. Kelly sat behind Matt once again and pulled him backwards into his arms, slowly helping him take small sips of the water. Kelly laid kisses in Matt's hair, which turned out to be damp from the cold sweat he was in the middle of. Kelly raised a hand to Matt's forehead, feeling for warmth. 

"Matt, you're burning up." Kelly informed, brushing his blonde hair back.

"Don't feel so good," Matt mumbled, barely audible.

Kelly frowned, his face full of concern, "I bet not." 

"What can I do to make you feel better, Matty?"Kelly murmured, switching his hold on the man so that Matt was laying back a little further. "Wanna go in the bath? Sit in the shower? Go back in bed? Stay here? You name it."

"Stay here." Matt replied, letting himself down so he was laying on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, curled up into a ball.

"Alright, sure. If that's what feels good," Kelly nodded, pushing himself up and off the floor, to retrieve some medicine for the blonde-haired man. Kelly opened the medicine cabinet and to his dismay, he didn't have much with him in the way of medications. No acetaminophen left, nor ibuprofen, or anything that would be of any help. Nothing to bring down Matt's fever with, so Kelly was afraid that, for now he'd have to go old fashioned.

He turned the faucet on and began filling the tub with lukewarm water.

"Matty," Kelly started, kneeling back down beside the blonde. "You have a really bad fever, and we don't have any medicine, so I'm gonna help you take a little bath, okay?"

Matt groaned as his stomach began acting up and suddenly he shot up, and leaned straight back over the toilet. There was nothing left in his stomach, so he was basically only wrenching up bile which stung his throat with every pass. Matt felt like he was gonna pass out, his head was on fire, and the rest of his body was in a cold sweat, shaking and trembling with every weak breath.

"Nghhh," Matt painfully groaned as Kelly tried to lift the shirt over his sore and burning head. Matt fought it and ended up just tangling himself in the shirt before pushing himself back down to the nice cool tile of the floor.

"Hey," Kelly tried to catch Matt's attention as he watched the ragged breathes emerge from the blonde's chest. Evidence of the brief struggle and the miserable feeling inside of him. "Let me help you, okay?"

Matt curled in on himself, putting his body in the fetal position as his shirt crowded around his neck like a scarf. Despite how far gone Matt was, he still had enough brainpower to manage a nod in Kelly's direction. 

"Can you sit up for me, Matt?" Kelly asked in a serious voice, along with it, a soft, caring, comfort undertone.

Matt gave the other man the slightest nod of his head.

Kelly supported Matt's neck with one hand, while pulling his lower back forward with his other. In no time, Matt was sitting propped up against the toilet, eyes closed, concentrating on not throwing up.

Kelly's heart dropped at the sight, he wished this flu or whatever it was, had happened to him, not his poor boy. Kelly finished removing Matt's shirt, as well as socks, before helping him stand so he could get rid of his underwear as well. 

"Can you walk?" Kelly asked, arms on Matt's hips to keep him from swaying. Matt nodded exhaustedly before taking a few steps towards the bath.

"Do I have to?" Matt asked softly, looking down at the water trying to focus even though his brain was in a hazy state.

Kelly pulled Matt close to his chest, wrapping his arms ever so lightly in front of Matt's abdomen. "Yeah, Matty."

Matt slowly got in, the lukewarm water making him feel cold in some places, warm in others. He sunk into the tub deeper and relished in the feeling of Kelly taking a cup and slowly pouring water from the tub down the back of his burning head. It felt as though the ring of flames that had been encircling his head mere minutes ago, were being put out, and by his favourite firefighter no less.

It was half an hour of bath time for Matt before Kelly tucked him back into bed. After Kelly ran a hand from the front of Matt's forehead to the back of his head countless times, Matt finally got swept away by the tug of sleep. Deciding to take advantage of Matt's time of rest, Kelly figured now would be as good of a time as ever to make a quick run to the store and get some essentials for his boy.

 _His_ boy.

Kelly kinda had to admit that sounded pretty nice to him.

 


	13. Tug Under

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all are having a wonderful day! :) xx Enjoy!

His mind was burning and he couldn't think straight. Though the bath helped a little, but his fever was back and worse than before, matting his soft blonde hair to his head. He felt like he wasn't even sure what real life felt like anymore, it all felt unreal and other worldly. Matt's head was pounding like a drum, every hit reverberating off the insides of his skull, shaking everything. He felt miserable, and he couldn't even be sure if he'd been out for two minutes or two days.

Using all of his energy, Matt slowly opened his eyes. He didn't see Kelly anywhere in his range of vision and he wasn't sure where he was. A slight panic began building in his lower stomach, cushioning his cardiac system as his heart dropped. Where was Kelly? Had he just left Matt alone to fend for himself?

Then the click of the front door and Matt was able to breath again. Familiar sounds of a leather jacket being hung up and footsteps coming down the hall towards him. Matt's mind was still spinning, but he was just able to catch sight of Kelly before having to close his eyes from becoming too dizzy. 

"I got you some things," Kelly whispered softly, closing the blinds in the room because the sun had come out and was shining brightly. Matt felt the edge of the bed dip as Kelly sat down.

"Here's some ice-cold water," Kelly began, handing him the water bottle he'd filled up just after he had arrived home. "Now, take one of these, and one of these," He continued softly, holding out two pills towards Matt.

Matt, with great difficulty and small amounts of pain regarding his sore throat, managed to down the pills and a couple sips of water. Promptly after, Matt quickly stumbled back out of bed and once again rushed to the toilet to get rid of the small amount of matter that had entered his system. Kelly looked on worriedly for a split second before following Matt into the washroom. He watched helplessly as Matt limply hung over the rim of the toilet bowl, heaving out whatever his stomach was sending up, which wasn't much.

There wasn't much else Kelly could do but sit behind him and rub his back soothingly, whispering sweet little cheers into his weary ears.

"Go away," Matt mumbled, before violently coughing up some more bile.

Kelly, slightly shocked. "What?"

"Go away," Matt repeating, wiping his mouth with a nearby wash cloth. 

"Wha-. . . I thought I was helping."

Matt moved his weary body just slightly so he could look at the dark-haired man. He stared at Kelly long and hard, making Kelly's skin tighten just from the tense awareness of being kicked out. Maybe he was overdoing it. Maybe Kelly was crowding Matt and maybe Matt was tired of having him around. _Damnit._  Kelly should have realized, he should have known. He should have been more careful, more thoughtful.

"You are. . . I- I just don't want you to get sick, babe." Matt whispered earnestly, searching Kelly's eyes for something deeply hidden and soft.

_Oh._

"Don't worry about me, let's just concentrate on getting you better." Kelly said serious look on his face that told Matt not to even bother arguing with that.

Matt nodded softly and leaned back over the toilet to stop his head from swimming away from it's neck. The next few hours were spent in the same position, until Matt was positive that he wasn't going to throw up again. 

As Matt sat in the shower, Kelly went to the kitchen to make some tea for the sick man in the room down the hall. He'd have to try to get Matt to take more medicine since he'd thrown up the last 6 pills before they could absorb into his system, but the vomiting seemed to be over, for now at least.

"Baby,  _I know_ you don't want to take any more medicine," Kelly assured lightly, a hand resting on Matt's back as he lay in bed, refusing to eat or drink anything. "But that's the only way you'll feel better." He continued, pushing Matt's hair back and feeling his fever.

"Nghhhhhhhh." Was the only thing that came from Matt's mouth, a soft tone that sounded painful.

Kelly really felt for the guy. But he knew it wouldn't get better unless Matt stayed hydrated and his fever was brought down. Kelly set the tray of tea and medicine on the nightstand, before quickly walking to the bathroom and grabbing a washcloth. He wet it under cold water before wringing it out and bringing it over to Matt, laying it gently across Matt's forehead. 

" _So,_  you can run through burning buildings, but you can't take a couple more pills?" 

A snort of amusement and a groan from Matt.

"Well, I'll make a deal with you," Kelly began, watching as Matt's eyes fluttered open and squinted at him curiously.

"If you take this medicine, and drink at least five good sips of this tea, I promise to take you out on a real nice, fancy date when you're better."

"Mmm," Matt murmured with a smile, "And uh, what if I say no,  _Lieutenant?"_  

"Then, I'm taking you," Kelly said with a grin, "to the hospital." He said, tapping Matt on nose.

"Ughhnn," Matt moaned, "You drive a hard bargain, Sevy."

Kelly winked at Matt, "Only for you, babe."

Matt slowly pulled himself up to a sitting position and leaned against the headboard behind him. "Alright, give it to me." Matt mumbled, patiently waiting while Kelly handed him a couple more pills and the cup of hot tea. 

Matt took a tiny sip of tea first, trying to ease himself into it. He swallowed the pills without too much problem, and even managed to drink half the mug of tea. "It better be a  _really_  fancy date." Was the last thing Matt murmured before he fell into a deep deep sleep.

While Matt slept, Kelly tiptoed around the house, cleaning the bathroom of germs to eradicate any chance of himself getting sick. Because how could he take care of Matt if he got sick too?

When everything was finished and Kelly could think of nothing else that needed to be done, he crawled into bed with Matt. He lay close enough that Matt could reach for him whenever he needed to, but far enough that he wouldn't make Matt overheat or make him feel too crowded. Kelly didn't sleep, he was too worried about Matt to sleep. In fact, he ended up making a resolution while he was lying there; if Matt and his fever wasn't better by tonight, he was taking him straight to the ED. Kelly was worried that this whole thing could just take a turn for the worst and become something that would require a medication a little stronger than Advil or Tylenol, which is what he'd been giving Matt so far. Kelly was somewhat hopeful to see Matt at least keeping it down, and even sleeping, things he hoped would both help him.

It was unclear what time of day it was when Matt woke up, or even what day it was. He groaned at the unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach, in a way hoping it was part of the flu instead of the eerie feeling that something was wrong. But at this point, it was feeling like the latter. Matt sat up in bed and looked around. There was sun peeking through the little slats of the blinds, which shone as thin lines of light against the wall opposite the windows. Another glance and he noticed that Kelly was nowhere to be seen, but neither had he expected him to stick around in bed during what seemed to be the middle of the day.

Matt threw back the heavy down comforter along with the white sheet beneath it, and swung his legs out of bed. He stood shakily, waiting for the room to stop spinning before he began his slow walk to the kitchen. Something still felt  _wrong_ , amiss, unsure. He wasn't sure if it was something he could blame on being sick or not, but Matt couldn't pinpoint exactly what was going on. It was the simple feeling of nothing seeming quite right.

The kitchen was bright and more lit up than the bedroom, that was most likely because the sun was hitting the front windows at just the right angle. Matt squinted as he tried to bear the light with his weary eyes. After a few blinks, and a period of adjustment for his pupils, he saw something that sent him reeling.

 _Kelly_. With a big suitcase. Just about to head out the front door. His hand on the knob. "Kelly?" Matt called out anxiously.

With a big sigh, Kelly spun around to face Matt. His face portrayed a mixture of anger and resentment, his eyes, even more. Kelly set his luggage down briefly as he looked toward Matt, waiting for words he didn't want to hear come out of the blonde's mouth.

"W-where are you going?" Matt asked in a small voice.

"Away," Kelly huffed in annoyance, "Away from you, and your stupid depression, and your pathetic-ass anxiety."

Matt, rather shocked, was all but frozen in his tracks. He could even feel the frostbite starting to come, instead of starting from fingers and toes, it hit his heart and his mind. Matt didn't know what to say, he hadn't realized his best friend would ever say such things. Kelly would never say anything like that to Matt, or that's what he had thought anyways. But here they were.

"And don't expect me to come back," Kelly added, as if his previous words hadn't inflicted enough of a sting. "At least not until you get your ass out of  _my_  house."

Tears blurred Matt's eyes, as he started breaking. He was like an old building getting torn down with a wrecking ball, his walls shattered. "I-I have no where else to g-go," His voice a tiny squeak of a whisper now.

"That isn't my problem, now is it?" Kelly said matter of factly, his expression not changing from his slightly angry, mostly stoic demeanour. Kelly turned the doorknob and just before he made it across the threshold of the doorway, he paused and turned around, "Nobody wants you. You're not wanted, and you're not lovable." 

The last blow and Matt was knocked out. He was right back  _there_. There, way at the bottom of that deep dark pit, alone with his thoughts, and this time no ray of light shone his way. He was left crumpled on the floor, tears falling from his eyes, alone, and weak. There was only one thing to do now.

That beloved razor blade. The one he had kept hidden under a loose piece of carpet in the bedroom, the one he wasn't quite ready to let go of. Maybe he'd take that special piece of shiny metal, and perhaps treat it to it's maiden journey. Show it how much it was needed, so it would never leave Matt in all the days to come, it would be his treasure to cherish and nobody could stop him now. Nobody even  _cared_. There was not one soul left in the world that mattered, not one person to call his own. Matt was alone.

Matt sat in the bathtub so that whoever had to clean this up would have an easier time. Matt took the sharp side of the blade and set in on his wrist. No point trying to hide anything now, because nobody, not one person of the 7 billion humans in existence, actually gave a shit about Matt Casey. The slice was clean, precise, and opened a wound far deeper than any of his self inflicted injuries had gone before. The blood came out in spurts, looked like an arterial bleed.  _Just what he was going for_. Matt choked back a sob as he switched hands so he could cut his left wrist.  _Nobody cared_. Another slice, more spurting, his blood was gushing out at an alarming speed now and he could feel himself starting to get lightheaded already. Matt's body was heavy, his mind heavier. His last fleeting thought before he passed into darkness:  _I'm unlovable_.

 


	14. Perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry for the cliffhanger last time peeps ;) Enjoy! <3 xx

"NHGGGH!" Matt awoke with a yell, his body shooting up in bed.

"Matty?" Kelly mumbled, startled awake from his slumber by the blonde's shout. 

"Ke-kelly?"

More aware after having a second to get his wits around him, Kelly became immediately concerned. Matt's face had a damp sheen to it, either Matt's fever was getting worse or there was another problem.

"Matt, lay down." Kelly ordered gently.

"N-no. You don't w-want me!" 

"What?" Kelly asked in confusion.

Matt took in a shaky breath, "D-Dont want me and I'm un-unlovable."

A sudden realization hit Kelly like a brick wall, "Matty, did you have a bad dream?"

Matt stared blankly at Kelly for a couple of solid minutes, before looking down at his wrists, which, to his surprise, were fully intact, "A d-dream?" Now Matt was the confused one.

Kelly shuffled his body nearer to Matt's and reached his arms out toward the blonde. "C'mere."

"It was s-so real.." Matt stuttered softly, tears running down his face as he crashed into Kelly's arms.

"Shhh Matty, it's okay, go back to sleep. Nothing bad's happening, I've got you." Kelly said comfortingly, wrapping not just his arms, but his whole body around Matt.

Matt could feel water still emitting from his weary eyes, happy tears, he was pretty sure; and when he woke again, it wasn't to another nightmare. Instead, a daydream, moments of quiet bliss and soft breathing as evening rolled around.

"Kel?" Matt mumbled against Kelly's soft shirt.

"Hey, my boy awake?" The sound of Kelly's groggy voice reverberated through his chest, which Matt was settled quite happily on.

Matt nodded, "Time is it?" 

Kelly looked at his phone which was laying beside him in the bed, "About 6 PM,"

"Our sleeping schedule is going to be so messed up," Matt chuckled, stretching his legs out with a sigh, before tangling them with Kelly's legs beneath the sheets.

"You worry to much," Kelly whispered, running his hand through Matt's blonde hair.

Matt hummed as he relaxed into the touch, "One of us has to be responsible,"

"True," Kelly laughed softly, his hand falling from Matt's head to his shoulders, where he drew circles on warm flesh. "Feeling better?" 

"Yeah," Matt yawned a big yawn, "Almost better."

"Think you can eat something?" Kelly asked with a small smile.

Matt groaned, "Ugh. . .I am  _not_  eating anything again for the rest of my life."

 

Of course, after some convincing, Kelly had managed to get Matt to at least have a piece of toast. That was enough in his books, and it was especially exciting that he had managed to keep it down.

The sun began to set and the rays of light were no longer peeking through the blinds. Even having slept for as long as he had, Matt was still completely exhausted. So right after his last bite of toast, Kelly tucked Matt right back in and put him to sleep with the sound of his voice, and a light rub on his back. 

After a long night of rest for the two men, a new day was starting to begin, and with it, no sign of any sickness. Kelly and Matt were both equally ecstatic of this, especially considering they had shift tomorrow. Though, Kelly was still unsure as to whether he'd let Matt go or not, he looked completely out of it still, with barely any energy in his system.

It was the perfect day for watching TV in the living room, being close to each other, and not doing much else. Kelly laying lengthways on the couch, his head propped up on the couch's arm. Matt tucked into the little space in-between the back of the couch and Kelly. Matt laid his head upon Kelly's chest, letting the rise and fall lull him into a relaxed daze, this in accompaniment with the hand consistently running through his blonde hair, nearly put him to sleep.  _Nearly_. 

Except there was one problem, just as Matt closed his eyes and wrapped an arm around Kelly's waist, he heard the familiar click of the front door. Somebody had just barged in, and shit he was cuddled up to Kelly, and his heart  _just about_  sunk to the floor.

"Kell-" It was a female voice that had begun yelling, but halted when she seen Matt and Kelly shoot up from the couch.  _Gabby damn Dawson_.

Had she seen anything? Matt thought to himself frantically. Judging by the odd look on her face, she had.  _Oh Fuck._

"What the hell." Gabby said in confusion, pointing a finger between them, "Is  _this-"_  She paused, waiting for the right words to come to her. "-a thing?"

"No way! C'mon Dawson that's just gross... Plus, I'm sure I could do better than Casey." Kelly blurted out, hiding his panic behind a chuckle as he intentionally took a step away from Matt.

The words  _unloved_  and  _alone_  flashed in Matt's mind again as his heart sunk further down, for a different reason this time. 

Gabby nodded slowly and sceptically, sensing the boys were looking far too guilty to be innocent. But that's not what she was here for, so she left it for now. Instead she asked to talk to Kelly alone, something about settling up some loan or something, Matt didn't stay long enough to find out the details. As soon as Gabby and Kelly rounded the corner into the kitchen, Matt stopped only long enough to grab his shoes and a jacket, before heading out the front door. He wasn't sure where he was going but he just had to get out of there. He didn't bother with his truck, instead choosing to run his frustration out of his system. It was half hour into his run when Matt could feel his body rejecting the idea of exercise or any movement in general. He was still weak from his bout of the sickness and his head was spinning more than he cared to admit. 

The disappointment and the hurt that had come from Kelly disputing whatever the two of them were building up, stung more than he thought it would. Sure, Matt didn't want anyone finding out that him and Kelly shared a bed most nights either, but he wouldn't call it gross. A simple no would have done, it would have been enough. So why the hell was Kelly saying these things, unless some part of him meant it, in which case, how much longer would he even be willing to keep with the thing they had going? It was terrifying to Matt, that the closest thing he'd ever had to stability or someone caring about him, could just ditch him again and leave him writhing in square  _fricking_  one. He had two choices, he could either separate himself from Kelly and all the progress he had made these last few months and try to start fresh on his own, or he could try what happened in his dream today and cut a little deeper. 

Matt had been running for who knows how long before he finally stopped to catch his breath. He had no idea where the heck he was, or where to go from here, but he just kept going. His lungs burned, his legs felt like jello, and his mind was struggling to stay afloat in the sea of overthinking that it was swimming in. He hadn't worn his running shoes and his feet were punishing him for it. Maybe he could just find a way to run himself into the ground, six feet beneath the soil in fact, that's what he wanted right now. As it was the sun had already set and the sky was getting darker by the minute, he must've been going for  _hours_.

Because what if Kelly had meant it, what if he really thought the whole thing was gross. That was something Matt couldn't bear and he hated that he'd already let himself become this much of a burden. Matt soon ran into familiar territory, he ran right past Molly's and a few blocks down, he started blacking out and felt that he was just about to collapse, so he cut into a dark alleyway. He did end up collapsing against a wall, and he fell unconscious just after he caught sight of two dark shadows walking slowly toward him. He might've been imagining it, but he was pretty sure he seen a shiny glint of a blade in one of their hands, though he couldn't care less.

 

Kelly had kicked Gabby out as soon as he could which happened to be twenty minutes after Matt had abruptly left. Kelly wished she could have shut her agonizingly loud mouth and let him leave without raising suspicion, but he was stuck bouncing his leg and waiting impatiently for her to finished her dumb story about her ex. The second Gabby and her ugly-ass car were out of eyesight, Kelly grabbed his car keys and jumped in his own car. He was going after his boy.

He thought it would be easy, he thought that he'd just drive down the road and find him walking on the sidewalk, do a little convincing and get him to come back home. But unfortunately, no such luck. He looked everywhere in the neighbourhood, tried calling him, texting him, but he couldn't find him. He expanded the search as he went, checking all the places he knew Matt liked to run as his hope decreased steadily. Matt was in no condition to be out, he had just been seriously sick and he'd be hurting all over if he had run as far away as Kelly was looking. The idea of Matt in all that pain, it made Kelly shudder and intensify his search. He had to find the man before somebody else did, because he knew Matt and he knew what he needed, and he had his medicine because Matt was due for taking his pill soon. The sun went down slowly, yet in Kelly's eyes it was teleporting behind the horizon, far sooner than he hoped it would leave tonight. Kelly would have one less advantage to find Matt if he had no light, and it was already proving to be a big enough problem as is. Not to mention, these Chicago streets were not always the safest at night, and he didn't want his poor Matty to get hurt.

By the time 11pm rolled around he still hadn't found the blonde, his hope level was alarmingly low, and he wasn't sure where to go next. He felt like he had checked everywhere that he thought Matt would have chosen to go, and maybe the problem was that Matt didn't want to be found. But still, Kelly wouldn't stop looking, nor calling, and soon he'd find the man, he was sure.

His persistence began to pay off a moment later when he was suddenly thrown a shred of hope. He caught sight of Jay and Antonio kneeling at the edge of the sidewalk near an alleyway. Kelly stopped the car and got out, calling to them.

"Severide, get over here." Antonio called, only looking up for a split second.

Kelly jogged over to them and relief washed over him as he laid his eyes upon the blonde-haired blue-eyed man he had been searching for. Except, he was laying flat on the grimy asphalt of the alley, and he wasn't awake. . . _he wasn't conscious_.

Kelly knelt down by Jay, "Me and Antonio found him just a few seconds ago." He explained, "We just came from Molly's."

"What's wrong with him?" Kelly asked calmly, though in the inside he was screaming and tearing himself apart, he shouldn't have let this happen.

"I'm not sure, I checked him over, he's stable, no wounds or injuries," Jay assessed, looking a little confused, "He does look exhausted though."

As if on cue, Matt began to come around and looked up at the faces that were staring intently at him. He shot up, despite the efforts made to hold him down. He wavered a little as he tried to stay upright, "You okay?" Kelly's voice cracked as he asked the question, but Antonio and Jay paid no mind.

Matt nodded abruptly as he sat in stunned silence, recalling earlier events, "I wanna go home now."

Severide nodded and reached a hand out to him to assist him in standing up, but Matt refused it, insisting he didn't need his help. Kelly sighed softly and sadly, retracting his arm. As Matt limped slowly to the car, Kelly turned to the two men who had found him first. "I'll take it from here, thanks guys." Kelly nodded in Antonio and Jay's direction giving them each a fist bump.

"You got it," Antonio said softly, "Good luck." 

With that, the two of them made their way back down the sidewalk. Kelly didn't miss the way Jay reached out for Antonio's hand, gripping it as they walked further into the darkness. He smiled slightly at that, he had suspected something was going on there.

With a deep breath Kelly got in the driver's seat of the car. He put the car into gear and began heading towards their house. The drive was completely quiet, and neither one knew what to say. Kelly pulled into the driveway, and shut off the car, but neither made any move to exit the vehicle.

"Mat-"

"No, listen to me first," Matt interrupted as he began rambling, "I'm sorry that I've been such a burden. I'll be moved back out by morning."

Kelly's grip on the wheel doubled, his knuckles turning white. "P-please don't do that."

"I've got to, Sev. It's better for both of us," Matt replied stoically, looking straight ahead of him, knowing that if he made contact with Kelly's sad eyes he wouldn't be able to stay true to his words.

"Don't go..." Kelly urged, his voice becoming low and gravelly as he tried to refrain from opening the flood gates to the tears that had been building up behind his eyes during the whole evening.

Matt opened the door and exited the passenger side of the car, slamming it back behind him as he turned to go inside. Kelly jumped at the sudden loud noise, but quickly followed suit, chasing after Matt.

Matt had already made his way to Kelly's bedroom, his suitcase was on the bed, and he went around the room, picking up his clothes from here and there throwing them inside his piece of luggage. 

"Stop," Kelly asked softly, his heart breaking ever so slightly.

"This is all too much, I should never have asked this of you, I shouldn't have agreed to-"

"Stop!" Kelly nearly shouted, but didn't let his voice rise too high.

Matt ignored his words and kept going, but he shut his mouth and kept his thoughts to himself instead of spilling them over like he so desperately felt like doing.

Kelly's eyes began welling up with tears, "Matty," His voice cracked, and then he was coming up behind Matt and wrapping his arms around him. 

Matt fought it, oh, he fought it. He tried to push away the arms that were encompassing him warmly, he tried to get away from the monsters that seemed to be swarming in his head. He felt weak, yet he felt like he couldn't stop moving, or else he'd get eaten alive by every terrible thing in the world.

He shot an elbow to Kelly's gut, enough force to take him aback, not enough to injury him to greatly. With a grunt, Kelly stumbled back, "Matty?" 

"Leave me  _alone_. You could do much better than me, remember?" Matt's words had venom and they stung when they hit Kelly's ears. He had his suitcase zipped up and he headed towards the front door.

"Matt, I didn't mean that and you know that. I'm not going to let you do this." 

"You don't take no for an answer do you?"

"Not when the  _man_  I  _love_  is about to walk out the door." Kelly nearly shouted, putting copious amounts of emotion and feeling into every single word.

Matt froze, and dropped his bag on the floor as he spun around. "What?"

"Matty, I love you. Please,  _please_ , don't go. I need you to stay and be here, I need _you_." Those tears Kelly had been holding back were now streaming down his face. Matt had only seen Kelly cry a couple times in his entire life, and it had never been this  _real_. He was speaking from his heart, and Matt knew it.

Matt took one look at Kelly and seen the hurt. The hurt that  _he_  had caused. He strode over to Kelly, gingerly wiping away his tears before scooping him into his arms. "It's just better if I go, then I can't hurt you."

Kelly shook his head as he gripped onto Matt tightly, "If you go, I'll hurt much worse than anything else."

"I have a lot of problems..." Matt continued, his words mere whispers against Kelly's neck.

"I do too," Kelly declared as he pulled away from Matt, his arms not leaving their place around the blonde's waist. "For example, I can't sleep if you're not in bed with me, I can't think if you're not around to calm my mind, and I can't eat grilled cheese anymore unless you make it because no one else's can even begin to measure up. I'm sorry for what I said to Gabby, I panicked, I didn't want her to find out and ruin the good thing we have going. I guess she kinda did... Anyways, just please don't go, I need you and I want you here. A lot." Kelly took a deep breath as he finished his words, studying the blonde's expression for any sign that he had convinced him to stay.

He wanted Kelly so much, so much that it was basically killing him to leave like this, but he didn't know what else to do. Because what if one day Kelly decided that he changed his mind, he didn't want this, he wanted out? Matt wasn't sure if he could let himself become more invested that he already was, because he didn't know if he could survive alone after the months spent with Kelly. But his chance was higher today than it would be tomorrow, the day after, or in a year. 

Then again, what was life if he didn't really  _live?_ Plus, Kelly sure had made it seem like he was wanted, and not just for today, but for some time to come. But as much as he wanted to go unpack his things, Matt was still worried about being a high maintenance burden. He hated to be such a heavy load and such an emotionally and mentally problematic person. 

"Please don't go," Kelly asked again, searching Matt's eyes frantically for the answer. To find out whether he was going to be suffering from heartbreak, or whether he was going to go to sleep tonight with a head on his heartbeat. With more emotion than Matt had expected, words from Kelly that touched his heart in places he hadn't known existed, "I love you."

 


	15. Soaking It In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3

"You w-what?" Matt thought about what Kelly had said, thought about the little sparkle the dark-haired man's eyes had had when he had said  _I love you_. Words he thought he'd never have the privilege of hearing in his lifetime. Matt had always thought he was unlovable, maybe it was turning out not to be true. Matt had also always thought that he'd never find a person who he felt like he'd want to love, and keep loving for the rest of his life, yet even that was starting to get proven wrong.

"Matthew Casey," Kelly said firmly, an hand cupped around the blonde's face. "I love you  _so much_ , I love you today, tomorrow, and everyday to come. Just as long as you  _let_  me."

"Kelly." Matt replied, searching for words. He was rendered speechless.

"Just stay. Let me love you,  _please_."

And then Matt was nodding, agreeing because who in their right mind would say no to that kind of invitation? Matt leaned in, tears -  _happy tears_  - falling from his face. Holy hell he might as well have won the lottery, he might as well be the luckiest man on earth, because he damn sure felt like it.

Then it was the meeting of lips, Matt grabbing Kelly by the back of the head. The tenseness of the situation fading away as Kelly guided him backwards, away from the door, towards the bedroom. Matt followed without hesitation, letting his hands roam all over Kelly's back as he held him close. Matt legs, still weak from his long run, began to give out beneath him, but Kelly was one step ahead. He felt Matt start to collapse against him and he didn't waste a second in catching him and carrying him to the bed. Kelly laid Matt down gingerly on the bed, his lips never leaving the blonde's, that is, until he moved further down. Kissing his neck slowly, softly, bringing his hands with him, running them down the length of his biceps and forearms.

"I love you." Kelly murmured against Matt's ear, taking the trail of kisses down to his chest, and a little lower. Matt moaned softly, tingles running up and down his spine as his sense went into overdrive. 

"K-kelly." Matt stuttered, as he felt and Kelly begin undoing his belt buckle and his fly. He gasped as Kelly continued by ripping off his pants, his boxers soon following. It was the warm lips on his hardened member that really got Matt going. Made him sigh and groan in pleasure. It felt so good, this new kind of affection. Matt grabbed a couple handfuls of bedsheets as Kelly's mouth hit just the right spot.  _Oh shit, right there._

He was panting and seeing stars, he was so close, and then suddenly Kelly stopped.

Matt groaned in dismay, Kelly chuckled, but then he was removing his own pants. Matt grabbed Kelly by the front of his shirt and yanked him down, sending him toppling on top of Matt. The blonde flipped them over and ripped off Kelly's t-shirt, soon followed by his own. They were naked, their bodies were sliding against each other perfectly, it was perfect.

Well, almost perfect. The top of the scale of perfection was met when, a short while later, Kelly was inside of Matt. That was just the icing on the cake, that was absolutely just what the two of them needed. A sense of closeness that they clutched onto so carefully, rode out so vividly.

They were nearly late for shift the next morning, considering they had gone to round two shortly after the first, and round three a few hours later. Matt was still quite tired and weak so Kelly made sure to do most of the work, but they were both equally tired and sleep deprived.

 

They were standing by the open bay door of the firehouse, bundled up in their turnout gear, staring at the clear sky. They had just come back from their first call of the day and they'd stayed back for a few minutes while the others had gone inside.

"Snow storm coming tomorrow." Kelly stated, shuffling some snow beneath his boot as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Hard to believe; it's so nice out right now." Matt squinted as the sun glared into his eyes, it was a beautiful day out, despite the frosty temperatures. "If it's a bad one," he continued, shifting his gaze over to the dark-haired man, "You gonna be keeping me nice and warm?

Kelly smirked as he gave a little shake of his head, " _Casey_ , we're at work."

"There's no one out here,"

"But we shouldn't get into the habit of talking to each other  _like that_ , at work." Kelly scratched the back of his neck, his voice low.

Matt stared down to the ground and frowned, nodding his head silently. 

"Make it up to you later, Case." Kelly said, walking back into the firehouse, clapping Matt on the shoulder on his way by.

Matt wanted to smile, he wanted to. But the thing is, he didn't like that they could only be Matt and Kelly when they were in their own house. They had to be Severide and Casey at any other given time, whether they were on a walk, or out to see a movie, or even to get a few groceries. And Severide and Casey didn't really get to hold hands, or kiss, or any other damn thing that involved them being close to each other in any way. 

Matt started thinking about his medication, he was now officially past the three month mark. He had hoped he would have finally been feeling better. Kelly had been faithfully making sure he'd taken his pill 10:30 every night; what he had with Kelly was perfect and everything he could ever ask for, he loved his job. There was not one fucking reason why Matt should feel this sad, this empty,  _numb._ He had a heck of a lot more going for him than most people in this sad world, he shouldn't feel the way he felt. Yet here he was.

At least most of the anxiety was gone, at least there was some silver lining to the otherwise seemingly useless pills he'd been taking. But he wanted more. He didn't want to feel depressed for no reason, he desired to be happy for no reason. Matt wanted to be able to talk to Kelly however he liked whenever he damn pleased, none of this hiding, the small talk and finding ways around the words they actually yearned to speak.

Times like these were trying. Maybe Matt had been through worse, that was true, but he had to admit that it was hard to feel unjustifiably despondent. Especially when only one person in the world, besides himself, knew and cared about the whole thing. It was more than enough for Matt of course, he didn't need, or _want_ for that matter, anyone else knowing about the depression. But he'd also be lying if he said it wasn't exhausting to have that mask up. The one that screamed,  _"Hey I'm fine, totally okay."_

Because if Matt wasn't okay, where would people go with all their problems? Who would make sure everyone else was alright if Matt was out of the picture? Because maybe Matt didn't always know the right thing to say or do, but he was relied on by a small village here at 51, and he couldn't afford to let anyone down. Least of all, his Truck Company, or even Squad for that matter. He was supposed to be the strong lieutenant that ran into burning buildings and saved peoples lives, but judging by the way he felt inside, maybe he was the one who still needed a bit of saving.

 

As Matt walked into the common room, he was met by a barrage of questions. It was Dawson, and it was Brett, along with a few of the guys. There were statements thrown into the air, ones that confused him and made him wonder what the hell he'd gotten himself into.

"How's it going?" Otis asked as he Matt made his way to the coffee machine. 

"I'm fine." Matt said slowly, wondering why there was a bunch of people standing up and staring at him.

"Ohh," Gabby said before Matt could answer, "Judging by what I saw yesterday, pffft, I don't think so."

"I thought you said you caught them naked on the couch?" Brett eyed Gabby suspiciously from her place at the table. Of course, that was the exact moment Kelly also walked into the kitchen area and he was met with a confusing sight.

An odd look was thrown from Mouch toward the flock gathered around the blonde Lieutenant. He had been watching tv, but even he had to admit, this was more interesting to watch.

"What?" Matt asked in disbelief. 

"Yeah," Gabby announced to everyone circled around them, "Yesterday I went to Severide's house, and found him and Matt doing it on the couch." She gave a look of disgust, holding her head high, as if she had the audacity to spread rumours like that.

She was obviously still a bit salty about Matt dumping her all those months ago.

"Aww c'mon, Dawson," Matt retorted nonchalantly, though on the inside his blood was running faster than he'd like to admit. He decided to continue, "If you're gonna start rumours, at least try to make them believable ones." Matt laughed quietly and shook his head despite the worry that clouded the edges of his vision. "She's always liked to spread rumours about people, I'm surprised she never got more skilled at it, not with all the practice she had.." He said to the group with a sigh. Everyone kinda dispersed after Matt's words, leaving Gabby all the more annoyed. She was basically seething as she walked off in the direction of the women's bathroom.

Kelly, who had just poured himself a coffee, did his best to hold back the smirk that wanted to inch it's way forward. The laugh that burst from deep down inside of him, he covered with a gentle cough. Matt took a split second to watch Kelly walk to his office, before turning around and striking up a conversation with Herrmann.

When Matt finally got away and headed back to his office to begin doing some paperwork, he was still feeling a bit stressed out about the whole situation. He drummed him fingers on his desk as he debated which distressing strategy he was going to go for. He could try out those breathing techniques he'd read about, or perhaps yoga, he'd read that was quite beneficial for one's health. Then again, Matt really couldn't picture himself doing anything like that, not his thing.

Matt thought for a second longer, and then he was pulling his cellphone out of his pocket because he knew exactly what to do. He dialled a number that was all too familiar to him and waited as it rung. 

"Hello?"

"Hey Kel- err, sorry..  _Lieutenant Severide_." Matt intentionally put emphasis on the formal title, see how Kelly liked that. Maybe that was a little petty, but he'd done worse things in his life. (Gabby for example,  _ugh_. A time of his life he'd much rather close the door on.)

"You know I'm like right down the hall right? You could just walk over here and  _talk_  to me, _face to face_."

"We should lie low until this whole rumour thing blows over."

"We're lieutenants, we  _gotta_  talk to each other all the time."

" _I just_.. Nobody can find out about us."

Kelly sighed into the phone, "I know..."

Minutes of silence passed, both unable to track down the right words. And then it was Kelly, in his soft tone, the one he only ever used when he talked to Matt. "You holding up okay?"

Some moments of silence, but Kelly could hear him choke up, he could hear him trying to hold himself together, despite the fact that the tape that was holding him together was ripping into shreds. It took everything inside of him, not to barge right the hell out of his office door, and straight to Matt so he could help him. But sadly, Kelly knew it wouldn't help, not this time. Matt would be so stressed out about what people were going to say, that he'd just try to push Kelly away, cold shoulder him. Needless to say, Kelly forced himself to stay where he was, but that didn't stop him from pacing worriedly around his office.  _"Matt?"_

"Look, I-...I'll be fine." Matt muttered, turning off his emotions, letting the frost build up on his spine. He had to let himself fall into that emotionless pit again, it was the only way he could cope with everything going on. Maybe it was a step backwards, or at the very least, a step in the wrong direction, but it was something. It was the difference between breaking down in sobs, or at least appearing strong. 

"Matty." Kelly could sense it coming, he knew it was hard to warm Matt up after emotions like those.

"I'm sorry for calling." And with that, a click, and he had hung up.

Kelly could have punched a wall. He was frustrated, oh boy, was he ever frustrated. It's not because Matt was acting the way he was, not at all, he wanted Matt to do whatever he needed in order to make it through the day. But Kelly was, however, rather annoyed by Dawson's outburst, and he was also upset that he had no means to comfort Matt like he so dearly wanted to at the moment.

Shift seemed to drag on forever, perhaps it was because they didn't really get called out much, or maybe it was because Kelly just wanted to get Matt home so he could take care of him. Either way, their 1 shift seemed to drag on for the equivalent of 10 shifts.

Matt drove the two of them home in his truck. His icy demeanour was still going strong and Kelly knew just how to warm him up when they got home, mentally and physically, he supposed, considering the beginnings of a raging snowstorm were making their debut.

When Matt pulled into the driveway, a few centimetres of snow had already accumulated, and the wind was fiercely blowing everything around. Their eyes stung from the flying snow hitting their eyes at unbearable speeds, feeling like sand blasting against their pupils. Kelly hit a slightly icy patch and slipped on the cold ground with a thud and a grunt. Matt grabbed Kelly's hand after they both exited the truck and they made a mad dash for the front door. 

"Nasty out," Matt commented, shaking the snow out of his hair and stomping his boots in order to get the white fluff to fall into the boot tray. 

"Yeah," Kelly replied shortly, trying to internalize the shooting pain that was emitting from his wrist. He had scratched it against the driveway, and was left with a big cut just above his radius.

"Kel?" Matt seen the way Kelly was clutching his wrist to his chest, and he knew instantly that something was amiss. "What's wrong?" The blonde continued, a worried look on his face as he reached out his arms, inviting Kelly to come closer. He complied very willingly, but was a little hesitant when Matt suggested removing his coat.

"Want me to cut it off?" Matt asked sarcastically after Kelly refused, to which Kelly shook his head dutifully. Unsure whether Matt was talking about the coat or his hand, though he didn't particularly like the idea of either option.

Matt slowly unbuttoned Kelly's jacket, and very very gently tugged it off, making sure to keep the wrist away from the fabric of the sleeve so he didn't get blood everywhere. Matt, ever the romantic, gave Kelly a peck on the nose before tugging him in the direction of the bathroom, where the first aid kit was stored. "Sit there," Matt ordered softly, pointing to the closed toilet seat. Kelly did as he was told, making himself comfy.

"Doesn't seem too deep, that's good." Matt said after he had knelt in front of Kelly and began examining his injury. 

Matt carefully wrapped it up in an gauze bandage, not too loose, not too tight. He secured that with some tape before standing once again and returning the kit to it's home in the cupboard beneath the sink. 

"I hope you're wearing a sexy nurse costume next time you fix me up," Kelly teased, leaving a wink in the wake of his words.

"There won't be a next time," Matt countered slyly, "You're wearing a full size body suit from now on," He used his index finger to point to Kelly, simultaneously trying to hold back a smirk, "Now  _that_  is sexy."

Kelly snorted, giving Matt's shoulder a playful shove.

"My little sexy marshmallow." Matt whispered with feigned seductiveness.

Kelly shook his head as he tried (and failed) not to grin like an idiot.

 

The wind howled around the house, and the conditions outside proved to be just as forecasted. It was a nasty storm indeed. The two of them were quite happy they were inside and not out at the moment. The snow storm did provide the perfect excuse for two cups of hot chocolate, and a good movie. Matt made the hot chocolate because apparently Kelly was now the needy one in the house, a nice change for once. Though, he had to admit, he did like it when Kelly took care of him and got all protective, but he also liked to give back. He wanted to make sure they took care of each other, not just one person giving until they burn out.

Matt was sprawled out on the couch, Kelly resting his head, along with his sore wrist. He made Kelly take off his shirt (for medical reasons!), so Matt rubbed light circles on Kelly's back, soothing him softly to sleep for their customary post-shift nap. They found they had a hard time sleeping alone now, ever since they found out what it was like to sleep next to each other, there seemed to be no going back. Therefore after a whole 24 hours without any cuddling or sleeping in the same bed, they usually had a lot of catching up to do once they got home. Especially if one of them had gotten hurt on the job, or off the job, as Kelly had done today. It never ever hurt to be extra close during times like those.

Matt stared down at the limp body on top of his. He tried to remember what it felt like to live, to experience life, without depression, but he couldn't. Matt didn't even know what life used to be like anymore, had he ever even been happy before? Maybe it was too much of a gradual change, he didn't notice. Perhaps his brain was trying to push away the feelings of what things used to be, so it was less disappointing to feel the dull and rather bland brainwaves his mind sent through his body, day after day. Matt longed for pops of colour and loud bubbly thoughts, not the soft whispers of the voices in his head, the monsters romancing him into feeling the way he felt. Of course Matt was well aware that the real cause was a chemical imbalance inside his brain that resulted in him feeling depressed, he knew the monsters didn't exist, he wasn't crazy or psychotic. But sometimes being able to picture the thing that's slowly killing you, makes it a bit easier to fight, or at least gives you some idea of  _what_  you're fighting. Otherwise it's like an invisible rope, strangling you to death, but you can't see the knot, no one can, so how can you possibly untie it? Easy answer? You can't. Game over.

Kelly stirred against Matt's chest, breaking him from his thoughts. Matt gingerly adjusted the gauze on Kelly's wrist, trying not to wake him up. Dark hair that faded into the light skin of Kelly's neck, which carried into the strong muscles of his upper and lower back, a sight to Matt's sore eyes. Enough of the monsters, perhaps. Time to focus on this man laying on him, tightly cuddled up for the first time today, the first time in over 24 hours. First time in too much longer than either would ever intentionally want. 

These strong muscles, the very same that held him when he was weak, cheered him on when he was strong. Tight sinew and tense muscles typically, now relaxing into the warmth Matt's body was emitting. Such a perfect fit of the two bodies, they couldn't have sculpted it better if they tried. 

His weary face, Kelly's. Eyes closed as his mind dozed into dreamland where hopefully it was sunshine and rainbows. The way his face contorted every now and then suggested otherwise to Matt, but if it was a nightmare, he'd be there when Kelly woke up. If he needed a hug or something more  _lasting,_  he'd be there. Kelly startled in his sleep, his body tensing, definitely a nightmare. Matt pulling the soft blanket up and around Kelly's shirtless form, wrapping his arms around him just a little tighter.  "It's okay, Kelly. I got you." Matt whispered, closing his eyes as he left himself melt with the other man, " _I got you_."

 


	16. Tracing Shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love ya's! <3

It was the blonde who had to wake up the dark-haired man, the one who was snoozing so peacefully on his chest. Kelly was tired and the warmth as well the thrum of Matt's body was so relaxing, it wasn't easy to stay awake. In fact, it was much nicer just to lay quietly, no responsibilities, no taxing items on the agenda. Really, he could have stayed that way forever, or at least until next shift. But no, Matt had decided they should find something to eat for lunch. And he was right, as he was most of the time, but that didn't stop Kelly from grunting in disapproval as Matt tried to shimmy out from under him. 

"Time to get up, Sevy." Matt whispered softly. He was sitting on the edge of the couch near Kelly's head, running his fingers through his hair.

"Nngh." Kelly's idea of a disagreement.

"What," Matt said, a smirk growing on his face, "You gonna make me tickle you off the couch?"

Kelly's eyes shot up, then squinted as they met Matt's gaze. "You wouldn't."

"Wanna find out?" Matt smiled joyfully, his hands gravitating to Kelly's sides, where he knew the man was most ticklish. 

"I'm up. I'm up!"

 

After they ate, and checked the weather forecast, they decided it was safest to stay home for the day. It looked like the whether would only get worse as it drew into the afternoon and evening, but the worst was coming overnight and the next day. They definitely felt bad for the shift that would be having to answer to calls in times like this, it was really cold out.

"TV?" Kelly suggested after the dished were put away.

"For a bit, while I check on your wrist, after that I have plans for you, Mr. Severide." Matt smiled, trailing behind him towards the couch. Kelly flashed a curious look towards Matt as they sat down once again, eyeing him suspiciously. Matt just went to work, carefully unwrapping the wrist. "Looks better already." Matt said with a smile.

"You're a miracle worker," Kelly grinned back, waiting for Matt to finish wrapping it up again before slowly moving towards the blonde. He pushed into Matt who was sitting next to him on the couch, toppling him over so that the blonde was flat on his back. 

"Nuh uh," Matt giggled as he slid out from beneath Kelly just as he was about to lean down for a kiss. "C'mon, Kel." He smirked, reaching down towards Kelly to help him up. Matt linked hands with Kelly's good hand and heaved him up and straight into his arms. Matt hugged him tight, held him like he was his cup of coffee on a cold morning. The closeness, their chests rising and falling against each other, the beating of warm hearts.

Steps toward the masted bathroom, quiet and taking their time. The gushing sound of warm water erupting from the faucet and filling the tub. A day dream as Matt innocently removed Kelly's clothes, no need for ripping them off like other times. It could be slow today, they had all the time in the world, and the world was too busy worrying about the impending storm to be caring about the two of them. A languid hand running down Kelly's bicep, his forearm, clasping his hand with gentle caress. Then it was Matt pulling Kelly toward the bath, helping him to step in and sit down. Matt in just his boxers, not cold, his heart was too warm for that; sitting on the ledge of the tub, legs in water, gently washing the dark hair which he'd found himself becoming quite attached to. The soap lathered, forming bubbles and suds through Kelly's hair which was soon washed out with trickling stream of water. Kelly's bright blue orbs looked up towards Matt, the man with face he had been memorizing so whole heartedly as of late. The man who'd begun putting purpose into every breath he took, every step he made.

Matt had messy hair right now. Kelly liked Matt's messy hair, the man had somewhat of a bedhead look at times, when it got too long. Well, Matt said it was too long for him, but Kelly couldn't disagree more. The way his hair fell, especially during and right after a call, or simply after a good sleep, is something Kelly had grown to love. One of those things you don't really notice, until you get so close to a person, you can't help but look at every single aspect of them.

Little sounds of drops against the water from the faucet dripping into the perfectly still water, ripples small in size, hitting the edges of the tub and reverberating on the skin that was above water. "You know," Matt's words soft, like honey flowing smoothly. "You really mean a lot to me." He continued, rinsing the rest of the shampoo out of Kelly's hair with small little cupfuls of water, making sure he didn't get any in the man's eyes. He was holding the back of Kelly's neck to support him and hold his head up. A little smile from the dark-haired lieutenant.

"And all these things you've done for me," Matt continued, grabbing a washcloth from the shelf to wash the rest of Kelly's body with, "They've meant so much to me."

Kelly stayed silent, waiting in silence for Matt to go on.

"We've become so close lately," Matt stopped what he was doing, made eye contact with Kelly. "It's just- . . . I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you."

Kelly grinned, "I appreciate you too, Case." He said in a soft voice, meaningful and happy.

Kelly sighed in contentment, "Matt, I've never been so happy," He stated quietly, as if he was deep in thought, "This,  _us_ , I like it."

Matt wished more than anything he could say the same. Of course, he was happy, with Kelly anyways. It's just mentally he felt sad, empty, emotionless. He wished like heck that one day he could be as happy as Kelly always seemed to be, he'd feel like less of a burden, that's for damn sure. Matt wanted to do something about it, he really did want to, but he was just so  _tired_. Problem for another day, he thought, as his mind drifted back to reality, back to where this perfect, amazing, awesome man was laying in the tub in front of him.

Matt himself refrained from slipping into the very inviting tub. This was for Kelly, he wanted to give him a treat, he wanted to do a nice thing for him. And by the looks of it, it was being well enjoyed. That brought a smile to the blonde's face.

Of course, leave it to Kelly to start falling asleep amidst bath time. Needless to say, Matt was draining off the water within the first two dozes. Couldn't have Kelly drowning now, could he? Perk of that, was at least he could practice his mouth to mouth resuscitation skills. Kelly sauntered happily off to bed, needing to get some shut eye; he'd had a long night caught up in a shit load of paperwork, so he needed to do a bit of catching up to do on top of the sleep he'd already had. Matt, after pulling the blankets over the man, let Kelly be. For the first time in a while, the blonde actually felt as though he didn't really need any extra sleep. So he padded down the hallway to the kitchen, listening as the wind howled around the house, big gusts hitting the siding every now and then. Matt looked at the pile of flyers on the kitchen table and began going through them, looking at sales and groceries that needed to be purchased. Except the thing was, he wasn't really absorbing anything that his eyes were taking in. He was thinking. His little brain game of letting his mind go wild with all kinds of thoughts.

Things weren't getting better, this medication wasn't doing shit for his depression. Maybe it was helping his anxiety, but that was less than half the battle, he almost wished it were reverse. He could be happy and anxious, but this depression, cold and heartless pain that he faced everyday. It was so hard, too much.

Matt stood there silently for hell knows how long. He had long since made it through the pile of flyers and honestly didn't even remember it. He stared outside, the white cold, unrelenting winds and big flakes. It was the perfect representation of his inside, maybe to everyone else it was just a nice cozy snow storm, but they were looking at it from their nice warm houses. If you stood outside in that shit, if the little ice pellets were flying in your face, cold seeping into your bones. You'd realize how unpleasant it actually was, you'd know the pain of throbbing muscles, bitten by the freezing cold. The mind, gone farther than you knew how to get back, the struggle of functioning each day, trying to face the inner demons. 

No one understood. He'd give it to Kelly, at least he tried his best to help, he knew that. But the problem was, how could someone understand what the storm was like if they were watching from the other side? Still, he wouldn't trade Kelly's support for anything in the world.

Made Matt wonder though, how the hell he was supposed to get his brain on track. He thought about going to the doctor, maybe that'd help, maybe they could give him stronger. Because these days, things were getting extremely difficult. Some days, the only reason he'd even bother to get out of bed was because Kelly would drag his sorry-ass out.

It spiked a thrum of curiosity, it urged Matt to wonder what he'd ever done without the man. He smiled to himself softly,  _that guy_. He could make a loaf of bread laugh, he cheered Matt up and made Matt smile more that he probably had in his entire life. Still, it wasn't quite enough, he was still empty, still seriously depressed.

Matt took a deep breath, exhaling long and audibly. What would it take for him to feel again?

The blonde set to work, doing something,  _anything,_ in an effort to distract himself. Matt went to work cooking, making a meal for the two of them for supper later tonight. He had in my some kind of casserole, something he could just throw in the oven when it was supper time. He hadn't cooked in a while, seemed like a good productive thing to do. He began by pulling open the fridge door, looking at the ingredients available they had on hand. Making it up as he went along was generally the way he cooked, it's how he worked best. 

He was just about to pull some green pepper out of the fridge when he heard a loud thump come from the bedroom. Matt quickly went over to investigate, confusion written on his features. When he walked it the bedroom, he seen no sign of Kelly.  _What?_

"Sevy?"

" _Uh, y_ eah?" Kelly slurred with a grunt, his voice bearing a hint of exhaustion.

Matt followed the voice, revealing a sleepy Kelly on the floor beside the far side of the bed. 

"You okay there, buddy?" Matt asked walking closer and kneeling down to assess the situation. 

"Fell outta bed," Kelly yawned, and then sneezed, followed by a groan.

"Hmm," Matt nodded with a little knowing smile, "I noticed."

"Ah, shut up," Kelly countered softly, a grin on his own face.

Matt snorted, "Like hell, Severide." 

Severide laughed before reaching a hand upwards, Matt stood and grabbed it, yanking Severide up to a standing position. He pulled Kelly up and towards him, so that the two of them were nearly chest to chest. Matt's arms encircled Kelly's waist, holding him loosely. "How was your sleep?" 

"It was okay, could've been better. It was pretty lonely." Kelly shrugged casually, his eyes lit up as they made contact with Matt's.

"That right?" Matt feigned a look of curiosity, smirk edging at the corners of his lips.

Kelly nodded, before pulling a quick move and giving Matt a good shove which landed him in bed. Matt laughed excitedly, thoroughly amused. Kelly, minding his still-tender wrist, clambered on top of the blonde, resting his head on his chest. "Ahhh," He exhaled an exaggerated sigh of relief, "That's  _much_ better."

The dark-haired man had slightly knocked the wind out of Matt with his hop, but the blonde was giggling nonetheless, "Diet time for Sevy!" He heaved loudly.

Kelly's head popped up for a brief moment as he retorted. "Oh,  _baby_ , that's  _all_  muscle, no diet is getting rid of that." He winked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Though in reality, they both knew the statement wasn't that far off.

Switching gears, Matt's demeanour changed a bit, switching to a softer tone. "Come over here, Kelly." 

The dark-haired lieutenant propped himself up on his elbows and slithered further up Matt's body. Matt cupped Kelly's face in both hands, thumbs running across his cheeks, smile on both their faces. Matt pulled Kelly by the back of his neck, bringing their lips, as well as the rest of them, together. 

"My baby boy," Kelly mumble as he nuzzled Matt's cheek, leaving small kisses that trailed from his ear back to his lips.

Matt closed his eyes, letting Kelly do his cute little thing. "Last time I checked I was a grown-ass man, Kelly. Not a  _baby."_ He guffawed, his hand ran down Kelly's back, slipping under the hem of his t-shirt.

"Yes, you do have a nice ass," Kelly murmured with a smirk crossing his face, "And yes, you're my baby."

"Well. . .Hello,  _Daddy,_ " Matt whispered seductively, an amused sparkle in his eyes.

Kelly looked completely taken aback but began giggling, burying his face in Matt's neck. "You never cease to astound me, Casey."

Matt rolled them around, straddling Kelly's waist, "Back atcha, Sev." He said softly, leaning down and planting a kiss on Kelly's forehead. "You need more sleep?" Matt questioned softly, wiping a fallen eyelash off of the other man's cheek. 

"Not unless you plan on joining."

" _Severide_ ," Matt feigned complete shock. "You asking me to _sleep_  with you?"

Kelly hummed in approval, a suggestive raising of his eyebrows quickly following. Though he was joking on the outside, there wasn't one fibre of his being that didn't want to get Casey the hell out of his clothes, and under the covers. In a  _completely_  PG way, of course.

Matt thought about it for probably less than half a second before leaning back down and linking his lips with the other man's. A dancing game of tongues meeting, a battle for dominance. Hands roamed everywhere, under Matt's shirt as well as Kelly's. Matt nearly ripped off Kelly's joggers, he loved when Kelly wore that particular pair, and he  _especially_  loved when they were off. Maybe the direction this was going wasn't so PG? Kelly didn't mind though, this was something he could get behind.

 


	17. No Pain No Gain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, 50k words! Thank you all for keeping up with this story and supporting it :) xx

"Here, Sevy" Matt sat on the edge of the bed, passing Kelly the coffee he had just prepared for him. He was wearing nothing but his boxers, courtesy of the inappropriate time they had just had together. His voice was raspy and low, also thanks to about 10 minutes earlier and the acts he had been preforming on the dark-haired man. 

"Mmm," Kelly hummed, taking the cup graciously and making room beside him for Matt to sit. He pulled up the covers as Matt slid in, holding his own cup of steaming hot joe. 

"So," The blonde began, little smile planted on his face as he turned his body to face Severide, "What would you like to do for the rest of today?"

Kelly smirked, "You."

Matt had just taken a sip of coffee and nearly choked on it as a chuckle made it's way from deep in his throat. Kelly grinned at the blonde, unable to reign in his happiness at the sight. The outside air was cold and the wind still howled, it was a hell of a storm out there. But the two of them were nice and warm inside, bundled up under the warm sheets.

"But actually," Matt prompted, "Wanna move this to the couch or something?" He motioned to the two of them and the big fluffy blanket that encompassed their bodies.

Kelly nodded, and together they moved towards the living room. Matt flicked the TV and put a movie on, while Kelly set up a comfy spot for the two of them. "I'm gonna rebandage that wrist." Matt murmured as he walked back to the couch and noticed the blood-soaked gauze on the mans arm.

Kelly nodded absentmindedly as he watched the show that was playing on the screen. Matt pulled out the first aid kit once again and rebandaged the wound, which was still bleeding slowly, but not enough to cause concern. He figured Kelly had bumped it or something, and agitated the cut, it really wasn't deep enough to cause problems besides the obvious inconvenience of blood. When Matt was done, the other man's wrist was perfectly bandaged, and no longer looked like the flag of Japan.

Matt sighed happily and plopped down on the couch, settling in for a long haul of TV marathonning and being storm stayed.

 

By the time Matt and Kelly were due for their next shift, they were dying to get out of the house. Though they loved nothing more than staying inside and being Matt and Kelly instead of Casey and Severide, they were both starting to suffer from a little cabin fever at this point.

The temperatures were still ridiculously low, and the world was a frozen ice cube outside. Matt and Kelly realized this the second they stepped outside. They thought they were ready for the cold, but now that they were actually experiencing it, it was much less desirable. 

It appeared that the rest of 51 had suffered from just as much cabin fever, except for maybe Gabby, who'd come in to shift with hickeys all over her neck. She looked like she'd had herself a good time. Matt might've stared a few moments longer than he should have, and he was pretty sure he'd maybe given her the wrong impression. Because next thing he knew, she was storming over to him, smug smile on her face as she said, "Jealous?" 

Matt could barely internalize the shudder that had made it's way through his body, and the cringe definitely made an outward appearance. "Not at all." He said firmly, playing loosely on his lieutenant voice.

"Whatever you say,  _baby_. I know you want me back." She said with a know-it-all attitude, her voice sounding fake, as well as what Matt could only describe as a poor attempt at seductiveness. 

Matt could barely suppress the eye roll and grunt of disapproval that wanted to appear. "That's Lieutenant to you."

"So you're not denying that you want me back?" Gabby squealed in excitement. 

"No I don't." Matt retorted sternly, keeping his voice low because they were in the common room along with many of the others. Matt could practically feel the stares boring into his back as he tried to reign in Dawson. 

"You don't want to deny it?" Gabby smirked, putting her hands on her hips. 

Matt was beginning to get frustrated, "Dawson, I-"

Before Matt could say what he wanted to say, he was rudely interrupted once again by the conniving devil spawn in front of him.

"You still love me right?" She said as if she already knew the answer. He'd never even told Dawson that he loved her during their relationship, so he wasn't even sure what she as talking about. 

Matt stood his ground fiercely, "No. I don't want you back, and I'm in love with someone else, so be quiet already." He said in annoyance. 

Gabby, for reasons Matt couldn't understand, looked at him in surprise. Had she really thought he was still interested in her? Then the nerve of the woman, she punched Matt straight across the face. Matt was stunned and frozen in place. For a small woman she packed a whopping force, never underestimate Gabby Dawson.

Luckily, and unbeknownst to Gabby, the chief had witnessed the whole thing. "Dawson, my office immediately." Boden boomed loudly, his face grim, a finger pointing in the direction she needed to go.

Gabby had a worried expression on her face, "Chief, I-" 

"NOW." Came the loud voice of their fearless chief again. As Gabby scurried away, Boden strode over to Casey. He looked at Matt for a moment, before saying in a softer tone. "I seen the whole thing, you handled it the best you could, you're not at fault. However, try to keep your next relationship out of this house, Lieutenant." 

Matt nodded curtly, "Yes, sir." He replied softly, not knowing what else to say. 

Boden nodded his head in return and turned on his heel, walking towards his office to deal with Dawson.

 

Matt walked into the kitchen and began raiding the freezer for a bag of peas for his face, which was currently stinging thanks to the boney knuckles of Gabriella  _fuckin'_  Dawson. Matt sighed heavily when he opened the freezer to find nothing helpful to him, no bags of frozen anything, no ice, nothing. Why the hell did they even have a freezer anyways? A sudden thought dawned on him, he was pretty sure Kelly kept a few instant cold compresses in his office. 

Matt could feel his eye swelling up already, practically feel the bruise forming. As he walked to Kelly's office, he realized what he had said to Gabby. 

_No. I don't want you back, and I'm in love with someone else, so be quiet already._

He had admitted to himself that he was in love, that was a big step. When he really thought about it, he knew those feelings were real. He hadn't told Kelly yet because he wanted to make sure, but inside he knew that it was true.

_Knock. Knock._

"Come in." Kelly called from inside his quarters after Matt knocked.

Matt slipped inside the office and watched as Kelly filled out a report, "Hey," He said softly, trying to tilt his head in such a way that the bruised side of his face was mostly hidden.

"Hey, Matty." Kelly replied, quickly trying to finish off the report before allowing himself the pleasure of looking up.

"You have some of those instant ice pack thingies, right?" Matt asked softly.

"Yeah, I do they're in my-" Kelly paused and turned around to face Matt, "What do you need them for?" 

Matt reluctantly turned his head in Kelly's direction.

"Matt!" Kelly exclaimed, instantly on his feet and in front of Matt in seconds. "What the hell?"

Matt took a step back from Kelly and the hands that were about to reach his face to trace the bruise and feel beneath the superficial layer to check for internal injury. "Matty, let me see."

"Not at work, remember?" Matt mumbled, hanging his head and staring to the floor. 

A sudden flash of emotion that Matt couldn't quite place burst across Kelly's face. "At least tell me what the hell happened."

Matt sighed and took a seat on Kelly's bunk, "Gabby happened."

Kelly froze and looked like he was about to run and give the bitch a punch right back, give her what she deserved. Kelly definitely wasn't the type to hurt girls, but if someone hurt his boy? There's no one he was more protective of. Matt saw the anger on Kelly's face and called out, "Sevy, it's okay. I'm fine." 

Kelly looked doubtful, but he visibly calmed down. He shook his head in disbelief and shrugged, unsure what to do. He ended up choosing to grab the icepack from his desk that Matt had asked for initially, he shook it until it was cold before throwing it in Matt's direction. Matt missed and it landed on the floor, "Yeah I can't see much outta this eye right now," Matt mumbled sheepishly, pointing to the eye that was swelling shut, "My depth perception is a tad bit off."

"Oh, sorry," Kelly quickly picked it up, this time holding it up to Matt's face himself. He pulled his desk chair over so he could sit across from Matt.

"I can do it myself," Matt murmured, reaching up to grab the icepack.

Kelly smiled sympathetically, "You've proven you can't," The dark-haired lieutenant set his free hand on the opposite side of Matt's head, cupping his face, his thumb rubbing softly against his cheek. 

"Not at work, Sev," Matt whispered urgently, though the gesture had begun calming him immediately. "I had to promise Boden that my next relationship wouldn't be in-house." 

Kelly chuckled, "Wouldn't be the first time you disobeyed direct orders."

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I want him finding out about us right now." Matt said thoughtfully.

"It sucks balls having to hide it." Kelly said slowly, dismay edging his voice.

"Last time I checked, you didn't exactly mind sucking balls,  _honey._ " Matt smirked gleefully, trying to cheer Kelly up.

Of course, Kelly started grinning like an idiot, even laughed a little.  _Mission accomplished_.

"Listen, thanks for the icepack," Matt began as he stood up from his position seated on the bed, "but the paperwork is calling for me."

"Okay," Kelly smiled softly, "I'm sorry I couldn't kiss you better yet."

"Lots of time for that when we get home," Matt said resolutely, attempting a wink, but his eye was already swollen shut so it was more or less of a blink. "That was a wink." He whispered loudly to clarify, before he exited the office, leaving Kelly in a conflicted pile of emotions.

He was happy, of course, because Matt generally made him happy, especially with his comical antics, but Kelly was just so fucking mad at Dawson. Didn't she know Matt had been through enough in his life? Why did she need to add all kinds of other drama and shit to the mix. How the  _hell_  could she hurt him, when he was hurting so bad inside? Hopefully, for Matt's sake, Kelly would be able to refrain from punching the wind right out of her the next time he seen her. Not like he could take care of his boy if he was arrested for aggravated assault, right?

Kelly reluctantly went back to work, currently unmotivated to do anything other than take care of Matt, which he definitely couldn't do right now. He was frustrated that he had was helpless, unable to do anything to make Matt feel better, unable to punish Dawson in any way.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the alarms going off. 

"Multi-car pile up. 375 Smith Avenue. Truck 81. Squad 3. Ambulance 61."

They arrived on the scene to find three cars in a row, bumper smashed into bumper. The front car was already roaring with flames, and thankfully the driver, who had run into a streetlight, had already escaped. The streetlight that the driver had hit, had tipped over and fell on top of the line of cars. The force alone crimped the middle of each car's roof, cracked the windshield glass, and hopefully avoided the people still trapped inside.

The air was already full of yells from the firefighters, and screams from the passengers that couldn't escape the cars. Otis and Cruz were quick to take a few extinguishers and put out the fire that the first car emitted. Severide yelled for someone to cut the power, the broken ends of the wiring were white hot and emitting loads of sparks in every direction.

The crews got to work on extricating the passengers of the vehicles lightning fast, they wanted to get people out of the cars before more flames came to life. They were strapping C-collars onto people left and right, and they had to call in a few more ambos in order to get people off to the hospital. It was a flurry of excitement as they got everybody out and safe. They were racing against the clock, which seemed to be ticking twice as fast as normal. 

"Herrmann, Kidd, get over here and help me out!" Casey yelled to two of his own, as he struggled to remove a bent door from one of the vehicles; an old beat up minivan which was a vessel to a family of five. 

Herrmann helped his lieutenant to tug at the sheet of metal, which flew off it's hinges with ease. While Otis and Cruz worked on getting the two parents out, Kidd immediately grabbed the first kid. The girl she picked up was about seven years old, and she carried her over to one of the awaiting ambulances. Herrmann got ahold of the crying four year old and used his tried and true fatherly skills to calm his wails as he brought him away. That left Lieutenant Casey with trying to remove the baby from it's carseat. The way the light pole had fallen, it had crushed the roof down until it was resting on the top of the carseat. It was a very tight fit, but after a minute, he was able to unstrap the baby.

"Case, it's gonna blow!" He heard Severide yell. 

Matt quickly tucked the baby into his turnout coat and began running away from the van. He made it no more than 10 feet when the car exploded, the shock sending him flying through the air. It's as if life had begun playing in slow-motion and he felt himself being moved by the blast. He looked around and seen himself floating through the air, he glance down at the baby.  _Baby is okay_. He wrapped his arms around the tiny body, securing it gently as he could and keeping it tucked in his coat. Matt spun his body so he would land face up and keep the baby safe. His back made sharp contact with the rough asphalt of the road, sending a shock coursing through his body. 

Matt closed his eyes as pain shot from his shoulder, but he didn't let go of the baby, he didn't move a muscle. 

Paramedics swarmed around him, one tried to take the baby, but Matt wasn't quite able to let go of his instinct to hold it, to keep it safe as he could. He felt someone rush to the pavement just above his head, it was Kelly kneeling down. "You can let go, Matt." He whispered, "It's okay." 

Matt listened without hesitation, he didn't know what was going on and he couldn't quite think straight yet. But Matt knew to listen to Kelly's voice, he trusted the voice.

"Ke- Sev." Matt murmured, remembering last second to keep it on a last name basis. 

"Are you hurt?" Kelly asked, his voice dripping with concern. The question was repeated by the paramedic, only louder. 

Matt shook his head, his shoulder was killing him, his vision was blurry as he sat up, and his right hip had taken quite a hit, but of course, Matt was Matt so he uttered, "I'm fine!" Before stumbling up to a standing position, not letting himself lean on Kelly like he probably needed to. Matt had a high pain tolerance, but even he was struggling to cope with the brokenness his body was feeling. Even though he had had the cushioning of his jacket, he still felt like he'd landed on a sheet of high grain sandpaper made solely from steel.

Matt was no quitter though, and in no time he was back at it. His teeth and fists clenched as he pushed through the nearly unbearable pain.

After the call was over, it was straight to the shower for Matt. He was sore all over and was so tired that he might as well have stayed awake for the last three days straight. Steamy water ran down his body and he relished in the burning sensation that made his skin feel like it was on fire, he'd discovered having the water this hot was a good compromise for the cutting, but Kelly didn't approve in the slightest. Matt turned the heat down slightly, he didn't want to have to explain any burns or disappoint Kelly, both of which were likely to happen if he didn't make the water less hot. 

Matt didn't wash or bother to scrub away the soot and dirt, he just stood there, lifeless body slouched against the shower wall, letting the water run down his tender body. He didn't stay in there long, just long enough that his body was relieved from some of the tension and stress. 

When he was dressed, it was Kelly that was visiting Matt in his office, another icepack in hand. "Thought you'd like some more ice for that black eye of yours." He announced, noting the considerable swelling and colour on the blonde's face.

Matt smiled tiredly, and took the instant icepack, shaking it until it cooled considerably. "Thanks." His voice was small and Kelly wished nothing more than for himself to be the one hurting, rather than Matt. Matt exhaled sharply as the cold pack made contact with his face and eye.

"Wish I could do something." Kelly murmured in a soft voice, instinct telling him to reach out and hold Matt close and tight, but his brain telling him to keep a safe distance. 

Matt nodded, a knowing look on his face as he looked at Kelly with the one eye he could actually still open. A few moments of silence passed of them just staring at each other, taking in each little part about them. Matt was sitting in the chair by his desk, while Kelly leaned against the wall by the door. "Dawson got suspended," Matt mentioned nonchalantly, playing with a bandage on his arm that was covering up a patch of road rash.

"Well she's lucky that's all she got, if I had anything to do with it.." Kelly trailed off, still feeling angry at Dawson, but knowing Matt would probably not want to talk about her.

"Yeah.." Matt huffed softly,

Kelly looked at his phone briefly, checking the time. "Well, only nineteen hours and thirty-seven minutes until shift's over."

"Not that you're counting," Matt smirked, exhaling a silent laugh. 

"That's how long it'll be before I can kiss you, so damn right I'm counting." Kelly winked, shoving his phone back in his pocket.

Matt rose an eyebrow in amusement, "Yeah?"

Kelly nodded, tilting his head to the side, "You look like you need a hug." 

"I do." Matt said softly, "Or a really long cuddle,"

"Nap with me when we get home?" Kelly asked gently.

"Yesssss." Matt groaned closing his eyes.

"Sore?" Kelly questioned, a wave of concern passing his face.

Matt just shook his head like nothing was wrong, even though Kelly could clearly see the pain chiseled into his features.

"I should get back to work," Matt mumbled, his eyes dizzying as shocks of hurt traveled all through him. He was trying to play tough, and if that's the game Matt wanted to try to win, Kelly would let him. But as soon as they got home, he wouldn't let Matt pretend anymore, he'd take such good care of his boy. He'd make sure he felt better in no time, but first they had to get through shift, and by the looks of it, it was going to be a long one.

 


	18. Sticks and Stones

_Back at home, after shift._

"What do you want for breakfast?" Kelly asked as they hung up their jackets, and pulled off their hats and shoes.

Matt just grunted and plopped on the couch face down, while Kelly looked on and let a small smile tug at his lips. 

"Sorry," Kelly said, stepping closer and kneeling in front of the couch so that he was eye level with the blonde, "But I don't know how to make, _unghuhgnnn_." He mocked with a sly grin.

Matt's eyes flickered open and he stared at Kelly long and hard, trying to mentally decipher whether he thought that was funny or not. After all that deliberation, he must've determined it was truly hilarious because Matt suddenly started giggling. Kelly looked at him, confused but definitely amused at the same time. 

After quieting down some, Matt let out a long sigh, "I'm not really hungry though."

"Well you gotta eat, Matty." Kelly prompted, leaning in to give Matt a kiss on his forehead. "And maybe take a shower, you still have soot and ash in your hair, buddy." He continued, giving Matt's hair a tousle.

"Sure, sure." Matt muttered, eyes closing again, "I just need a seven week nap first." 

Kelly laughed as he reached out to Matt. "Food, shower, then nap?"

"Nap first. Pleeeeeeeease." Matt whined softly, half asleep already.

"Okay, you win." Kelly shook his head as he fondly admired Matt's relaxed features.

Matt just smiled lightly as Kelly pulled him up and helped him to the bedroom. Kelly took note of the way Matt kept his right arm glued to his side, and walked with the slightest of limps. Matt felt the bruises weigh him down as if gravity was trying pull the colour right off of his skin. He was more sore than he could possible have imagined he could be, but he didn't mind much, in fact he couldn't completely recollect the last time he'd complained about pain. The dark, enchanting feeling of the sting, the burn, the haywire. 

But that didn't change the physical aspect of hurt. The pain that seeped into his bones, crawling daintily across he's tense, sore muscles, teasing his nerves into an lovely dance that ended up in a bar fight. Matt felt broken nearly all of the time, but this time it was mostly physical at least. It was better because he was able to rest easy knowing there were real bruises there, on his skin. It wasn't just nothing, it wasn't invisible.

Kelly pulled back the sheets of their made bed and waited as Matt shed his pants before crawling in. Matt tried not to wince as he gingerly rolled onto his side, no sense in Kelly getting more worried than he ought to be. Kelly followed suit and it wasn't long until Matt passed out completely. The blonde's head was resting heavily on Kelly's chest, rising up and down slowly, in time with the dark-haired lieutenant's breathing.

Kelly slung an arm around Matt, fully encompassing him with his body. Kelly didn't fall asleep right away, or even during the first half-hour. He was more or less stuck on the whole Gabby Dawson fiasco, which was quite dreadful to say the least. What a little shit.

Matt awoke a few hours later, much rested but unfortunately, more sore than he'd been yet. He sat up with a muffled groan and looked over to Kelly who was fast asleep. He debated momentarily whether or not he should let the man keep sleeping, but he decided that they shouldn't sleep much longer, or else they'd be wide awake tonight. He leaned over and hovered above Kelly's face, leaning down and planting a wonderfully sloppy kiss on the man's mouth.

Kelly stirred but wasn't quite awake yet. Matt set himself back down beside Kelly and stretched out his weary muscles, letting a yawn escape from his lungs as he did so. Matt suddenly smirked and looked over to the dark-haired man. Still fast asleep. Matt licked both pointer fingers, getting them good and soggy, before placing them in Kelly's ears simultaneously. Kelly jerked away and sat up, completely disoriented. 

"The hell?" He looked down to Matt, eyes wide, "Did you just give me a wet willy?"

Matt, giggling like a giddy schoolboy, nodded eagerly.

Kelly shook his head in both disbelief and amazement, unable to stop a grin form crossing his face, "Are you twelve?" He uttered, swinging a leg around to the other side of Matt, effectively straddling him.

"You wish, you pedo." Matt retorted in amusement, placing a hand on either side of Kelly's hips. 

Kelly got to work and began tickling the living daylights out of the blonde, attacking his sides in just the right spots, making Matt howl in laughter. It was funny, really funny in fact, until all of a sudden, it was a cry of pain instead of laughter.

"Matt?" Kelly pleaded softly, releasing Matt immediately after his face had contorted into pain. 

"I'm fine." Matt choked out through gritted teeth and a determined expression. 

Kelly looked Matt up and down, trying to look for the source of the pain, but he didn't find anything obvious. "The hell you are. What hurts?"

"Nothing. . I'm good." Matt huffed through short breath, trying his best to smile through it. 

"Stop it. You get to pretend to be okay at work if you want. But at home, you need to let me help." Kelly explained slowly but very seriously. Something in his voice made Matt realize he wasn't joking around in the slightest.

"Shoulder and hip mostly, pretty much everything hurts though." Matt made an effort to make his voice sound calm and collected, but he was pretty close to losing it because damn, who ever knew tickling could hurt so much.

"Sit up for me?" Kelly asked, gingerly getting off of Matt and kneeling next to his back. He slowly lifted off Matt's grey polo, the movement of that alone was enough to make Matt cry out in pain. Kelly was astounded by what he saw when the shirt was finally off of Matt and on the floor.

The entire right side of Matt's back was covered in swelling, along with varying shades of blue, purple, and black bruises. Now that he thought about it, he realized this was from the blast during their shift earlier. The colouring went from his shoulder, straight to his hip and below, but Kelly noted that his shoulder definitely looked like it had taken a brunt force of the pain. 

"Matty..."

"It's nothing, Sev."

"Not true. Why the hell didn't you tell me it was this bad?" 

"Would've done you no good to be worrying about me all shift," Matt flashed a cheeky grin, though it was full of weary tiredness.

Kelly was silent as he checked out the injuries. "Can you move your arm?" Kelly asked softly, recalling the way he'd seen the man clutching his right arm.

Matt nodded, "I can, but it hurts." He said softly as he tried to move it, which resulted in a shock that sent through his shoulder all the way to his head. He grunted and seethed through his teeth as he attempted to mentally will away the pain.

"We're going to the hospital." Kelly stated, in a serious tone. He was no doctor, but he'd seen enough injuries in his day to know what he was looking at right now.

"What? No. Kelly, I'm fine." Matt tried to smile, but the pain from trying to move his arm was still pulsing through his sore muscles.

Kelly was already up and finding Matt some somewhat comfortable clothes to change into. "Dude, I'm pretty sure you broke your shoulder." He muttered as he helped Matt shrug on a zippered hoodie. "You're going to the hospital." Pulling the sleeve of the injured arm on first before attempting the rest. He also grabbed a pair of jeans from the closet, which he also helped Matt into before assisting him in getting over to the car.

"Kelly." Matt groaned, "Really, I'm fine."

 Kelly, though frustrated at Matt's denial, almost had to laugh at the blonde's stubborn streak, it was cute. "Matthew," Kelly put a hand on either side of Matt's face, "Stop arguing, okay?"

Matt gave him a look of defeat, "Fine."

 

**

 

The emergency department swarmed with it's usual buzz of doctors and nurses. But it was still more quiet than usual which led to Matt getting seen nearly straight away, and it wasn't long before his shoulder was examined. Kelly came and joined Matt in the treatment room as they awaited the results of the X-ray's. 

"You should have told me."

Matt turned to Kelly, it was just the two of them in the room at the moment. "What?"

"Why didn't you tell me how bad it hurt? Why didn't you tell me it was this bad?"

"I- I just." Matt began, but Kelly interrupted.

"I know you're tough, but please, next time just be real with me if you're in pain." Kelly said softly, his eyes pleading more than his words. "Those are the kinda things I need to know."

Matt glanced to the floor and back up to Kelly's eyes, which were trained upon his unwaveringly. "Sorry, Sev. Please don't be mad it me."

"It's okay, and how can I get mad at that face?" Kelly winked, the atmosphere lifting a bit in it's density.

Matt laughed softly as he casually rolled his eyes. Just then, the doctor walked in, a stoic look on his face. Neither of them could tell whether the news was good or bad, which inevitably made them both worried. Matt's smile, the one Kelly could just look at for hours and hours, fell from the blonde's face quickly. It was replaced with a nervous look, an unsure glaze on his bright blue orbs. Kelly so badly wanted to hold his hand, be closer, something - _anything_. But it wasn't just the two of them at the moment, they weren't alone and that meant that they didn't have the freedom to be as close as they usually liked to be. It was Matt, Kelly, the doctor, and the obvious elephant in the room - that is, Matt's X-ray results.

"Mr. Casey, I have your x-rays here." He said, as he sat down on the stool beside Matt's bed. "Let's just say, it's not great, but it could've been worse."

"Okay, so?" Kelly prompted, eager to find out what the doctor had in store for his boy.

The doctor switched his glance to Kelly for a moment, "And you are?"

"The one who forced Matt to come here." Kelly explained, then less than a beat after, "And his roommate."

"Mr. Casey will owe you one for that," The doctor commended him, a small smile making it's way to his face.

"You can call me Matt." Matt said softly, watching the doctor pull his gaze back to him. 

"Well, Matt, like I said, coulda been worse. But you did indeed break your shoulder. More specifically, you have a fracture in the lower body of your scapula." The doctor paused, holding the x-ray up to the light for a moment so he could point out the break to Matt. "I don't believe you'll need surgery, but you have to take it easy. You'll also need to wear a sling for about 6 weeks."

Matt took a minute to absorb the information, glancing over to Kelly momentarily in order to gain some sense of yeah everything's gonna be fine. Matt's eyes moved back over the other way and he stared at the doctor, "Can I still work?" 

"No, I can't clear you for active duty yet. You should definitely be taking a couple weeks off from anything strenuous, and even then, you'll only be able to handle very light work. Full recovery, including a return of full range of motion, with this kind of break usually takes 6 months to a year." The doctor said, sensing somehow that that kind of news would be hard for Matt to hear.

Matt groaned inwardly, but outwardly he kept his calm. He nodded hesitantly and then he sorta got lost in himself. He quieted down, he stared down at his hands and let his mind wander freely. He secretly loved that he got so hurt on the job, he hadn't been in this much pain in a while, and it was something he had been craving desperately. It hadn't been an issue until Kelly had taken away all his blades, that's when his love of that sickening physical suffering started whirling inside him urging him to do even stupider things to find that throbbing agony. Matt knew it was weird, but he just felt the need to be physically hurting, it felt the same as the body fighting for oxygen. Reminiscent of a zombie with brains, though much less obvious to the untrained eye. He was sure there was some kind of weird psychological reasoning behind the urge to inflict pain upon himself and be hurt. At this point though, he could care less of the cause.

Even though half of his mind thrummed contentedly as these pulsing shocks of pain flowed through his body, the other half was worried. Now that he couldn't be at work for a while, he would be at home alone much more often. Matt loved being by himself, but it also scared the living shit out of him because when he was alone, that's when the monsters found his vulnerability and snuck into his brain. Maybe that's what he deserved though, maybe he deserved to be attacked, weakened, and brought down by his own mind. 

Perhaps that'd be better for everybody.


	19. Paint It Black

It was only day one of his solitary confinement and Matt was already going completely insane. He wasn't built to be restricted to this extent. His arm hung in a white sling, holding his shoulder firmly in place. 

Kelly made him promise to stay in bed as much as possible, and made it clear that if Matt did anything more than lift a feather, he would "deal" with him when he got home. And then off Kelly went to shift, gone for the next twenty-four hours, leaving Matt to deal with his demons alone. The silence was eerie, for no other reason than because Matt was paranoid about his own mind. He kept thinking about the dark shadows looming inside of him, hoping to hell that they wouldn't come out to play their cruel little game.

He found he'd been getting worse these days. He thought maybe if he gave his medication more time to kick in, he'd start feeling better, but that didn't seem to be the case. The drain he had been circling began pulling him deeper down no matter how hard he tried to keep his head above water. He hated everything and maybe if he could just lock himself in an empty room for a few weeks, maybe if he didn't have to deal with everything, maybe he'd get better.

A longshot, that's what it was. He knew that if he were to really lock himself away for that long, he'd end up getting destroyed from the inside out. Yet, there was this longing, this desperate need to be isolated. He just wanted to collapse and never get up, he wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until he was better. Matt wanted to be fixed but nothing seemed to want to progress in the way that he wanted. 

Matt longed for Kelly to return home soon, but he knew that wouldn't happen. The man had only left an hour ago, so he had twenty-three hours to go; twenty-three hours of pure and utter torture. Physical pain he could handle, but this mental state he seemed to always be in was dragging him down. He felt like he couldn't breath. His mind swirled in pain and agony and he couldn't see properly.

_T h e y   w e r e   c o m i n g ._

Matt's heartbeat sped up, the hauntingly quiet house was soon filled with silent screams that could only be felt, not heard. Yet, they were loud and Matt was reeling at the feeling of his body being ravaged by these hellish shadows, these monsters that preyed upon him like he was a mouse and they were a pack of hawks. Matt couldn't breathe, he shakily sat up in bed, his entire body thrumming with fear of what was coming. The ache in his chest burned ferociously, almost as hot as the fires he fought on a regular basis. What a funny thing to be so brave as to walk into burning buildings and put your life on the line everyday, only to be plagued and destroyed by your own damn mind. 

Matt didn't know what to do, his mind was stumbling over itself as the monsters came to light in his head. He yanked his phone from it's sitting position on the nightstand, and fumbled as he tried to find his panic app. He was about to press the button, the one that would send an alert telling Kelly he was in the midst of an attack, but he hesitated. His thumb hovered over the phone screen and then he was shutting his phone off because he realized that that wasn't going to help. Sure, he could tell Kelly he was having an attack but there was nothing the other man could do from the station. He threw his phone across the room in frustration, letting out a grunt as he clasped his free hand around one of his ears, trying to shut out the loudness emitting from his mind. "Too loud. Stop. Please stop." He muttered over and over to himself, his soft voice barely audible under his breath. Matt was rocking his body back and forth, an instinctual act that he didn't really even realize he was doing. 

It was around lunch time when Kelly called to check in on Matt. Matt barely even heard the phone ringing, the panic attack had ended a couple of hours earlier, but he hadn't recovered from it in the slightest. He was in a daze, a washed out, empty look was settled onto his face, reflecting his depletion of energy and his complete exhaustion.

Matt finally pulled himself together enough to pick up the phone by Kelly's third call in a row. "Yeah?" He said softly into the speaker.

"Matt? You okay?" Kelly's voice was dripping with concern but Matt didn't know how to process it, his brain wasn't quite working fully yet.

"Mhmm," He was nearly whispering as he pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes tightly.

Kelly wasn't even a little bit convinced, "Are you sure? Maybe I should load up the guys and come round home for a minute?" 

"No." Matt stated firmly, his voice unwavering for the first time that day. He didn't want more of a reason for people to suspect something between him and Kelly, and he also didn't want any other people getting involved in his problems.

Kelly was silent for a few minutes, "What is it?" He prompted, "I know something's wrong."

"I-.." Matt paused, "I'm just tired. It's fine." He kept the emotion out of his voice and made his words only what they needed to be, nothing more. He didn't want Kelly to worry, he didn't deserve to have to keep dealing with his shit. It would be easier to just pretend it didn't happen, even though it definitely did. Even though he was still dazed from the attack. He hoped he'd be all fine and dandy by the time his dark-haired lieutenant returned.

Kelly sighed heavily, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, which, in a way it was. Because over the course of the last while, he'd found out that Matt meant everything to him, he was his world. So of course it weighed heavy on him when his boy was in pain and he couldn't even help. "Please call me if you need anything." Kelly pleaded desperately.

"I will," Matt softened a little bit, "I miss you so much."

"I'll be home before you know it, Matty." Kelly was smiling, Matt could tell from the sound of his voice, "Get some more rest, I'll call you again this afternoon, okay?" 

"Kay." Matt murmured, "Be safe."

"You too."

Then it was the tone of the end of the call and Matt let the phone slide from his hand. He sighed and stood on shaky legs. For a moment, he wondered whether or not he could manage to actually stay upright. His body was drained of every ounce of energy, he wanted to simply collapse on the floor and not move for the next six months.

Matt pushed on despite the pain in his mind, he had to push through it, he had no choice. The blonde-haired man sighed heavily as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen, using the wall to brace his body and continue taking steps. He opened the fridge where instincts told him to crack open a beer and drown the monsters out, but he wouldn't let himself go yet. 

The blonde felt his eyes moisten. Fuck this. He wasn't even able to be alone without having a breakdown? His stupid brain couldn't handle it? This, to Matt, was a new all time low. He yearned for those days where he felt just a little more free, a bit more light hearted. He wanted to be okay again. Or did he?

Matt felt empty, he felt confused, numb, frustrated. He felt everything that he couldn't handle feeling. He didn't understand why in the hell this was happening to him. Something had triggered the self-destruct button inside his mind, he was falling apart and he didn't know what to do. 

The cold air coming from the refrigerator helped to cool him down a little, but he was still quite worked up. He wanted to call Kelly back and just tell him how bad he really was doing. But it wouldn't help, nothing could help him now, now that he was so far gone.

Matt felt his eyes moisten and he couldn't take it anymore, he slammed the refrigerator shut and slumped against it. His back slid down it until he collapsed onto the floor, and he broke. He began sobbing about everything that had happened to his brain, how it was so messed up. His body shook with each convulsing cry, and his lungs already hurt from how much he was trying to stop himself from letting everything out. He tried to fasten the lid on his emotions so he could bottle them all up, but he couldn't quite manage it. He was stuck on this rollercoaster ride of his emotions, and he just had to sit back while his brain relived every shitty thing it could think of. 

And just then, somewhere inside, Matt felt that familiar shadowy feeling as the monsters started to drift back into his mind. Talk about a double-whammy.

It was a few hours later before Matt's body just finally gave out. He was lying on the floor limply, not moving, mind blank for the most part. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that he needed to move, but he was broken. His body would not listen, it was content to keep lying on the kitchen floor, and Matt was too exhausted to fight that feeling. 

**

Kelly was out the door the second his shift ended. Matt hadn't answered any of his calls or texts, and he was worried that he'd done something bad. He was worried that his Matty had found some way to hurt himself, or worse. Kelly sped like he never had before, and was superbly lucky that he didn't get pulled over by the cops. He ran into the house, nearly terrified at what he might find. He was up half the night picturing all kinds of terrible scenarios. He just needed to see his boy, he needed to know how he was, and he needed to hold him tight. Kelly frantically looked around and wondered where Matty was. His first thought was to check the bedroom, maybe he'd just slept a lot and that's why he hadn't replied to his texts. On his way to their room, something caught the corner of Kelly's eye in the kitchen. 

Kelly stopped sprinting and his body jerked to a stop right before he passed the kitchen. The dark-haired man inhaled sharply when he seen Matt's lifeless body on the floor. A deep panic fluttered in the man's heart and his stomach churned as he wondered if he was even breathing. The darker-haired lieutenant knelt down next to his boy and gently tried to shake him awake. "Matt?" He checked his pulse, good and strong, Kelly exhaled a sigh of relief about that. Kelly gave Matt a look over and noted that he didn't seem to be bleeding or hurt.

Slowly, Matt stirred back to reality. Kelly leant down and picked Matt up, being careful of his sling and arm. Kelly pulled Matt to a sitting position and proceeded to hold him closely. He rocked them back and forth softly, kissing the top of Matt's head. 

After a few minutes of silence, Kelly asked, "What happened?"

Matt was silent, he didn't want to say. He didn't want Kelly to feel responsible or guilty that he wasn't there. 

"Matty? Talk to me. Tell me what happened." Kelly prompted, a semblance of panic still running through his system. 

"T-too  many  p-pan'  at-at-attacks." He said shakily, hoping to hell that's all Kelly needed to know. 

"How many?" Kelly was devastated, he knew he should've stayed home. His boy needed him, he shouldn't have left even for a moment.

"O-on-only  fi-fi-fi-five." Matt stuttered, trying his best to put a smile on his face.

Kelly took in a deep breath, "Matty, I am so sorry. I should have been here." He whispered, holding the man even tighter as Matt began sobbing hysterically, tears streaming down his face. The blonde was shaking his head, "N-no, it's o-okay. I'I'm fi-fi-"

Kelly's heart was breaking at the sight. "You don't look _fine_."

"T-then st-stop looking." Matt countered, burying his head further against Kelly. The blonde-haired man was tense and his body was still shaking. It had been a while since Kelly had seen him this bad.

"Matty, shhh, it's okay." Kelly attempted to calm him down, and slowly but surely the other man began to still himself.

Once Matt had stopped weeping and was nearly asleep in Kelly's arms, Kelly decided to move them both off the cold, hard floor of the kitchen.

"C'mere, buddy." Kelly said softly, "Let's get up, okay?" 

Matt groggily slung his arms around Kelly's neck and used him as balance as they slowly got to their feet. "I've got you," Kelly assured, as he slid his arms around Matt's waist holding him steady.

Contrary to what Matt had thought would happen, Kelly did not bring him to the bedroom. He brought him to the master bathroom, and he set him down on top of the closed toilet, only to begin removing his clothes. Matt looked on wearily, a slight bit of confusion on his face. When he removed the sling, Matt grimaced slightly, but he recovered in a moments time... On the outside, anyways.

Kelly simply gave him a small, sympathetic smile and gently continued his work until Matt had no clothes left. Matt looked up and was surprised because he hadn't even noticed that Kelly had started up the shower, but the steamy air was already wafting up and around the room.

Matt was helped up by Kelly, who pulled him close. "You going to come shower with me?" He asked gently, smiling when he felt the other man nod against his shoulder. Matt said yes with his eyes, Kelly could tell. The blonde didn't have to use words, there was a mutual understanding between them, the kind you get when you're fellow lieutenants at the same firehouse. When you've been through more life or death experiences together than you can count, when you've been best friends since before any of that shit even happened.

Kelly helped Matt step into the shower, supporting him so that he wouldn't fall. Or maybe that was just an excuse to hold the blonde, Kelly didn't know. Either way, he wouldn't let these moments pass without showing Matt all the comfort and support he needed. Kelly firmly decided that he needed to figure out what happened, all the while slowly massaging shampoo into Matt's scale, relaxing him slowly, to the very core.

** 

"You wanna talk about it?" Kelly said softly into Matt's ear. He'd washed the both of them off in the shower, making sure to massage away the stress from all of Matt's tense muscles, before getting him dry and carted off to bed. That's where they were now, laying, just the two of them, spooned up against each other.

Matt was focusing on nothing but Kelly's breathing, it was helping him to keep his mind on track instead of being open and vulnerable like it had been before. Whether the dark-haired man knew it or not, the aura Kelly emitted almost seemed to help keep him from getting as anxious and panicked. It was almost as if Kelly had the ability to scare the monsters off whenever he was around, or at least, that's what Matt liked to think.

"Not really," Matt replied, barely audible, but still much more relaxed and clear than the stuttering of before. "I just want to lay with you." He didn't need to tell Kelly how badly he had faired while the dark-haired man was on shift, he didn't think he should share how much he needed him. Because he didn't want Kelly to feel like he had to take unnecessary time off of work or anything, he didn't want to be a burden.

"Okay," Kelly wasn't completely satisfied with the answer, but if that's what Matt needed...

Matt turned around in Kelly's arms so he could look at him. "I'm sorry."

Confused and a little unsure, Kelly crooked an eyebrow, "For?"

"I just... I'm tired." Matt looked down, somewhat avoiding eye contact.

Kelly carefully and slowly pushed the soft blonde hair away from Matt's face, his fingertips gingerly tracing the shape of his perfectly constructed face. "I bet. Five attacks in one day, Matt. That's a lot." He whispered softly.

Matt shrugged with his good arm, his injured shoulder too sore to move at the moment. "I've had worse."

"Maybe, Matty." Kelly began with a sigh, "But you've been doing a lot better lately... What changed?"

Matt closed his eyes, relishing in the feeling of Kelly rubbing circles on the back of his neck. "I don't know." He mumbled back.

"Yeah you do. I can see it in your eyes." Kelly urged tenderly, leaning his forehead against Matt's. 

Matt was silent for a few minutes while he figured out what to say. "This shoulder thing, it's got me going through a loop. Doc said six months to a year for full recovery, that's a hell of a long time, Sev. What if I never get better? And my depression, it's been flaring up or whatever... And I missed you."

Kelly feeling a number of things, firstly, he was immensely relieved that Matt was opening up and talking to him. But Kelly was also mentally kicking himself, of course he shouldn't have left Matt alone so soon after all this shit had happened. "I missed you too, Matty." Kelly murmured to Matt as he kissed his forehead. "But don't say you'll never get better, because you will."

Matt shook his head, "Doesn't seem like it." 

"Hey, listen, you'll get through this. I'm going to be with you every step of the way... I'll be there, I'll laugh with you on your happy days, and I'll try to kiss everything better on your bad days. Okay?" 

A simple nod of the head is all Matt could get, but it was soon followed by a gentle kiss on the lips, making Kelly smile.

"Hey, speaking of, did you take your meds last night?"

Matt shrugged, "Don't remember."

Kelly sighed and got up, "Matthew Casey what have I told you about skipping your pills."

"Dunno?" Another shrug from Matt, his eyes closed and his body tired.

Kelly's voice came from further away, Matt assumed he was in the bathroom getting his medication. "I told you that you'd be in trouble."

There was a pill and a cup of water in his hands when Kelly returned. Matt wordlessly swallowed his medication and pushed himself away, laying his head back down on the pillow and curling into the fetal position. "Punish me then. Hit me, punch me, whatever."

A look of shock flashed across Kelly's face, he was flabbergasted by how serious Matt was when he'd said it. "Case, what the hell? Why would you say that?" Kelly's voice was calm as ever, but his insides were churning with concern.

Matt sighed in what may have been pain or exhaustion, maybe both. "I deserve it."

"Deserve what?"

The blonde sat up to face Kelly, a tense look in his eyes that screamed _i'm not okay_. He was silent for a moment as he formulated his words. "To be hurt."

"Matty, no, no, no." Kelly sat down on the bed and scooped his arms around Matt, holding his head against his chest. "Not one hair on that perfect head of yours deserves to be hurt or in pain. And if anyone tries, I'll kick their ass."

"Guess you're going to have to beat me up after all."


	20. Staying Afloat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hand of applause for Pall because I wouldn't have known how to end this chappie without her! And she's awesome! :)
> 
> Enjoy my loves! xx

"Matty, maybe it's time to go see the doctor again." Kelly began slowly, knowing it was a touchy subject, but knowing that the medication still wasn't helping the depression side of things.

The blonde was pushing around the food on his plate, he hadn't even taken a bite of the eggs or bacon that Kelly had prepared for him. He was lost in his own mind, faraway and overthinking everything, but he snapped back to reality as soon as Kelly spoke. Matt milled Kelly's words in his head for a moment before he simple shrugged in response, he hated thinking about it, he hated the doctor. He didn't want to go, he just wanted off these stupid pills because they didn't even do anything.

It stressed him out to think about making an appointment, even more so when it came to following through with it. Matt wished to hell that he didn't have to go, that's really what he wanted, but he also knew Kelly wouldn't let it go so easily. 

"You've been in a low this past while, I hate seeing you in pain all the time." Kelly murmured, his eyes betraying his worry, his heartfelt concern.

Matt chuckled dryly, "Well, like I said, just stop fucking looking at me."

Kelly's head dropped and he stared down at his empty plate for a moment before standing up and shoving his chair back, which proceeded to make a loud screeching sound against the hardwood of the floor. 

"Wait-" Matt looked up, regret etched on his tired features, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"I know." Kelly mumbled coldly, his heart stinging a little. He stood in front of the kitchen sink even after he set his dishes in it, his hands were braced against the edge of the countertop on either side of the sink. 

Matt stood up and walked over to the man, he wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, burying his face in Kelly's thin t-shirt. He could feel the muscles in Kelly's back flex and tighten in different ways as he shifted the weight on his feet. "I'm sorry, Sevy."

"Don't worry about it." Kelly turned around to face Matt, the smallest of smiles on his face.

"I am worried, because I hate hurting you." Matt was disappointed in himself to some extent, Kelly could see that. The dark-haired man's hands rested on Matt's hips as he toyed with the hem of the man's shirt. "I know you didn't mean it. Seriously, it's fine, Matty."

 The corner of Matt's mouth quirked upward for a moment, before he slowly leaned closer to Kelly. His eyes flicked between those perfect blue orbs and his favourite pair of soft lips around. The blonde's eyes fluttered shut and so did the dark-haired man's, their lips met in the middle, a soft little peck which led to more. Kelly threaded his hand through the soft hair on the back of Matt's head, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. Matt tore himself away for a moment, whispering against Kelly's lips, "Either way.. Let me make it up to you." 

Shivers tingled up and down Kelly's spine sending him into a type of thirst he knew only Matt's lips could quench. "No need to." The dark-haired man said lowly, but his eyes betrayed how much he really liked the idea.

"I want to." Matt replied, attacking Kelly's lips with his own. "Let me show you how much you mean to me."

Kelly hummed in approval as he jerked his head up and down. Matt grabbed fistfuls of the front of Kelly's t-shirt and pulled him along, his lips never leaving the other man's. The blonde led the other towards the bedroom, lazily pushing him against a wall here and there on the way. Matt shoved Kelly backwards onto the bed roughly once they made it to the bedroom, and then proceeded to clamber on top of him. "Kelly Severide." He murmured as he kissed the man's neck, his ear, everything between.

The dark-haired lieutenant, from somewhere amidst his pleasure managed to groan out an answer. "Huh?"

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't think I can live without you. You're just so perfect..." Matt paused for a moment, letting out a groan as he ground his body against Kelly's, "...So damn perfect." Just as Matt was about to slide his hand beneath the waistband of the other man's pants, they were interrupted by a large crashing sound, which was loud.

"The hell?" Kelly opened his eyes in annoyance, not happy to be interrupted during the one on one time with Matt that he'd been looking forward to all day already. The time he knew they both needed.

"Did that come from inside or outside?" Matt questioned in surprise, sitting straight up.

"Outside I think, I'll check it out. Stay here, Case." Kelly ordered in his lieutenant voice as he gently set Matt to the side.

Kelly stood up, and straightened out his clothes a bit before walking out the bedroom door. Matt gazed after him longingly, he wanted to go look at the cause of the noise too, but he was much too exhausted. Matt lay his head back against the pillow, and closed his eyes as he listened to Kelly's steps. He heard him walk to the front door and open it, it was silent for a moment and then he made out some muffled voices. Matt wanted to get closer and see, or at least hear, who it was. Fuel by his curiosity, Matt crawled out of the bed and got as close as he could to the doorway. He chanced a peek out the door, only to be unpleasantly greeted by the sight of Gabby Dawson talking to Kelly. What the hell was she doing here?

Kelly wasn't too thrilled about it either. "Is Matt here?" Was the first thing she said before trying to barge into his home.

Kelly blocked her, "Did you make all that noise?" He asked harshly, he still felt angry that she had punched his boy in the face and it was hard not to show it.

"What?" She asked in confusion before her dim-witted brain suddenly had a moment of realization, "Oh, that. Yeah, I hit your mailbox with my car. Anyways, is Matt here? He's your roommate now right?"

The dark-haired man was even more annoyed with Gabby. Who the hell hits someone else's property without apologizing? Or even caring? "Uhh.." Kelly tried to move on from that, as much as he wanted to just kick her out right the. "What do you need Matt for?"

"I need to to talk to him." Gabby huffed, trying to peer over Kelly's shoulder.

"About?" Kelly was not about to let her near Matt, who knew if she was in a swinging good again. 

Gabby looked condescendingly at Kelly, a touch of bitter venom lacing her words. "None of your business."

Kelly couldn't take it anymore. Like hell it wasn't his business, but she didn't need to know that. "Fine. Well it's none of your business to know where he is." The dark-haired man slammed the door shut, annoyed beyond words at the woman that was now, thankfully, on the other side of the walls. Kelly stormed back off the the bedroom after double-locking the door. 

"That nerve of that little shit." Kelly seethed as he clambered back into the bed with his blonde. "I don't know what you ever saw in her."

Matt chuckled, reaching out to the dark-haired man and pushing himself into the man's big strong arms. "Me either, Kel." Matt leaned up and began lazily kissing the other man in effort to soothe the frustration away. 

Kelly kissed back passionately, and things were just beginning to get to a much sought-after, heated level, until they started hearing little noises coming from the bedroom window. Kelly pulled back and glanced toward the window with a confused look on his face as he listened intently to the noises. The curtains in front of the window were closed, so they couldn't see out, which only added to the bewilderment. With some level of annoyance on his mind because of another interruption, Kelly stood, and began walking to the window. He was halfway there when suddenly, he heard the window slide open. Thinking quickly, Kelly grabbed the spare halligan they kept in the closet, before walking even closer.

A body came into the room from the window, but the curtains were providing cover so they had no idea who it was. Matt silently slid off the bed and tip toed behind Kelly, as they waited for whoever it was to show themselves.

The body stood and turned around, taking a moment before silently pushing back the curtain. Of course. It was Gabby who had broke into the room, of _fucking_ course.

She looked up, a startled expression on her face, as if she should be surprised that Kelly would be standing there, a tight grip on his shiny halligan. Kelly took step forward, if he had been agitated before, he was furious now. "What the hell?!" He exclaimed loudly.

Matt watched anxiously to see how the whole thing would play out, hoping desperately that Kelly could manage to stay somewhat calm.

"Matt! Baby!" Gabby cooed, ignoring Kelly and his question as if the didn't exist.

Matt looked on in what could only be described as a mixture of disgust, exasperation, and outrage. Not to mention the underlying confusion and fear. Gabby began walking toward Matt, a somewhat creepy grin on her face and her hips in full sway, as if that was supposed to immediately woo Matt.

Kelly stepped in her way before anything could go down, "Get out of my way, Severide." Gabby said angrily, "You have no right to get between me and my man." 

"He's not your man anymore." Kelly yelled, severely tempted to take a whack at her with his halligan, but knowing in the back of his mind that going to jail wasn't going to help him help Matt. Matt was frozen in place, unable to speak or move. He was relying on Kelly to be the barricade between him and the devil spawn, a role which thankfully, he seemed to be excelling at. 

"You don't know anything about us." Gabby screamed back, taking a step towards Kelly, as if that was suppose to intimidate him.

All the yelling was hurting Matt's head and he was struggling to keep the monsters at bay, not when they wanted to come out to play. Kelly could sense what the blonde was feeling behind him, as well as hear his breathing pick up, and he lowered his voice substantially as he replied to Gabby. "Gabby, get out of my house now, before I call the police."

"Pffft." Gabby snorted, not a care in the world about Kelly's threat, "My brother is the police, it's my word against yours. Who you think he'll believe."

"He'll believe me." Kelly began, unable to resist a retort he knew would piss Gabby off to infinity and beyond, "He probably already knows what a conniving, evil bitch you are." Now Kelly, he was a man who had a reputation for never intentionally disrespecting a woman, but Gabby wasn't a woman right now, she was a downright disrespectful creep.

The look on Gabby's face was something that Kelly would always remember, she looked like horrendously distraught and anger-filled mountain lion, ready to pounce. Kelly was internally pleased that he'd managed to piss her off as much as she pissed him off, and terrible as that was.

Gabby walked right up to Kelly and slapped him straight across the face. Kelly dropped the halligan he had been gripping so tightly, and let it fall to the ground with a dull thud. Kelly grabbed both of her arms behind her back and forcefully led her to the front door. "Let go of me!" She yelled loudly, trying to escape Kelly's tight grasp. 

"You are going to the get the hell out of my house and you are never welcome back." Kelly growled, he was not impressed with the lump of shit he was holding onto.

He gave Gabby a shove out the front door, maybe a little harder than necessary, a menacing look on his face that must've scared the living shit out of Gabby because she slithered away just as fast as her little legs would take her. "And if you ever step foot here again, you best believe I'll personally call your brother and tell him to put a leash on you." Kelly called after her just before she got into her car and sped away. As soon as she was out of eye sight and the squealing was out of earshot, Kelly rushed back inside, to the bedroom.

Matt was sitting on the floor, head in his hands as he rocked back and forth. "Baby, you alright?" 

Matt nodded shakily, not lifting his head from his position, simply continuing to rock his body. "S-sorry that I couldn't stand up for myself, I feel like a coward."

Kelly pulled Matt to him, cherishing the feeling that only holding the blonde in his arms could bring forth. "No, Matty. You're so brave."

The other man chuckled hoarsely, "You call that brave? A man who can't even face his crazy ex because his mind is shot? It's pathetic." Matt was so obviously dismayed with himself, but he had no reason to be, not in Kelly's eyes. He was so strong, and he didn't even see it.

Kelly smiled softly, comfortingly, holding his boy so tight. "You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love is bravery." 


	21. Thunderclouds and Sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, just wanted to say, love you all! I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoy you and your lovely comments! ;) xx

After the eventful morning, thankfully the two of them were able to spend the rest of the day together without any more intrusions. It was nice, although Matt did feel a little dismayed that Kelly had been on the phone nearly all afternoon with a security company. He wanted a new security system, new locks on the doors, the windows, the whole nine yards. Matt didn't understand why it was so pressing to have that done, but in the back of his mind he did harbour some sense of relief, knowing he'd be a little safer during all those long shifts that would take Kelly away from him. And Matt, still only having use of his one arm, wouldn't be able to wield the halligan as fiercely as Kelly had, or as sexily for that matter. Yeah, it was definitely a turn on, having your man defend you like that, especially with a halligan. _Hot damn._

That evening, by the time Kelly finally got off the phone, Matt had supper ready and had set the table for a romantic dinner for two. The blonde had candles lit on the tables, and dimmed the lights.

"What's this?" Kelly asked happily as he walked over to Matt in the kitchen.

"Just me, being the domestic goddess that I am," Matt teased, turning to face Kelly, handing him a glass of wine. Kelly noted that Matt's own glass seemed to be filled with juice, and secretly he was proud of his boy for sticking to his promise to himself.

"Domestic goddess?" Kelly chuckled, taking the glass that Matt was offering, before leaning in for a small kiss.

"Yeah," Matt had a smile on his face as he turned back to the sink to continue washing up some of the pots and pans he had used. It was a struggle with one arm, but he was managing in his own little way. "Supper's done, whenever you're ready to eat."

"Damn. Look at you go." Kelly nodded, pretty impressed with what Matt had managed to get done. It hadn't seemed like he'd been on the phone so long, but then again, it was beginning to get dark now, so maybe time had gotten slightly away from him.

Matt set the last clean pot in the empty side of the sink and turned to Kelly, "Only for you, my sweet angel." He said sarcastically, a wink from his eye.

Kelly snorted in amusement and looked at the blonde with just the most loving eyes. "You are too kind, princess. Shall we partake of this delicious food?"

Matt's turn to laugh loudly, before managing a soft, "Sure." To his surprise, Kelly pulled out his chair for him, helping him sit down before seating himself.

All jokes aside, Kelly looked to the table in awe. It was nicely made, the candles were a great touch, and the food Matt had just put on the plates was steaming and hot, and smelled of heaven. "This is really great, thanks." Kelly smiled genuinely, reaching over to squeeze Matt's hand. How the hell the man had pulled this all of with one arm was a mystery to him.

"No, thank you." Matt replied sheepishly, before reaching to grab his fork, "Shall we?"

"We shall." Kelly nodded affirmatively, before picking up his own cutlery. Matt had cooked a fantastic meal of potatoes, cheese stuffed chicken, and beans. It was so delicious, that the dark-haired lieutenant couldn't help but begin wolfing it all down, savouring each bite before quickly moving on to the next. Needless to say, it wasn't long before Kelly finished. Once he did, he looked up only to see Matt still struggling, trying to cut his chicken with his fork. Of course it wasn't going too well, and Matt wasn't able to pick up his knife considering his situation, and it was only a moment later that an idea dawned on Kelly.

A smirk crossed Kelly's face, and he knew Matt was either really going to hate, or really going to love what he was about to do. Kelly, without a word, stood up from his chair and crossed the table, sitting in the seat right next to Matt's instead of the one across from him. Kelly gently pulled Matt's fork from his hand and picked up the knife from the table beside the plate. Silently, Kelly went about cutting Matt's chicken into bite sized pieces, feeding them one by one to his hungry boy. Matt had a little smirk on his face, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd been fed like this, maybe it was never. As pathetic as it made him feel, in a way, it also made him feel so incredibly cared for. 

Kelly grinned as Matt took his last bite, and he wasted no time in putting their plates in the dishwasher and finishing the clean up in the kitchen. Matt had offered to help, but Kelly insisted that Matt sit down on the couch and rest up, maybe find something for them to watch. 

As Kelly sat down beside Matt, he couldn't help but notice the grimace set on the blonde's face. It wasn't obvious, but if you knew Matt as well and for as long as Kelly did, you could tell when he was in pain. Kelly's mind raced with thoughts, trying to figure out what was wrong. He worried that the bruising on his face or back was feeling aggravated, or perhaps it was his poor shoulder, it was broken after all.

"Taken your pain medication?" Kelly asked softly, reaching an arm around Matt.

Matt, surprisingly, nodded his head in affirmation. "Yeah. Didn't do much for the shoulder though." He mumbled in dismay, his eyes locked on the TV.

"Let me see if I can help." Kelly suggested, shuffling a little closer and gently placing a hand on the spot in question. He began very very lightly rubbing circles on the region of most pain, and gradually began massaging the muscle more in depth in the areas that weren't quite as painful. Kelly continued for quite a while, absentmindedly carrying on even as his mind began to switch it's focus to the TV. 

After a while, Matt needed to get up and go use the washroom. During this time, Kelly decided on a whim to quickly up the ambiance level. The dark-haired lieutenant spread the biggest, fluffiest blanket in the house, over the couch so they could have some really cozy snuggles. He pulled off his t-shirt on his way to the bedroom, as well as him pants, and replaced them with his softest pair of joggers. Then, tip toeing back across the hall, Kelly lit a few candles on the coffee table and made them each a warm cup of hot chocolate. 

After Kelly sat alone for a few minutes, he began to worry at what was taking the blonde so long. Two minutes after that, he couldn't possibly keep himself from investigating anymore and he was on his feet and headed toward the bathroom door. He gently knocked on it, "Matty?" 

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

_"Yeah."_

Kelly was at a loss. Judging by his voice, Matt definitely wasn't okay, but why was he hiding in the bathroom and shutting Kelly out. "What are you doing, baby?" Kelly tried his best to keep the frantic panic from rising to his voice.

Matt was silent for a moment. "I found one, Kelly."

"What? What'd you find?" Kelly was trying the door knob now, but no luck, it was locked.

The blonde smiled softly to himself momentarily, flipping it around in his hands, the light glinting off of it. " _Do it. Do it!_ " They said, the monsters in his mind.

"A blade." He mumbled, loosening his belt buckle and shoving his pants down to his knees.

"Matty, let me in please." Kelly was nearly begging, his heart beating in his ears.

Matt paused and looked up to the door, "No, I want this, Sev." And then in a smaller voice, "I deserve this."

"No, no, no," Kelly muttered under his breath, "Matt, let me in. Or I'll have to break down the door." 

Kelly waited desperately for a response, but no sound came. "I'm coming in." Kelly took a few steps back, fear thrumming through his mind, before running at the door. As soon as his shoulder made contact with the wood, the door busted open and he had just enough time to grab it before it fell and hit the blonde.

The blonde looked up in surprise at Kelly. The blade was pressed against the skin of his thigh, and he looked as if he had just been about make the cut before Kelly interrupted him. 

Kelly knelt down in front of Matt, "Please don't do that." A tear escaped the corner of Kelly's eye as he gently laid a hand on Matt's arm.

"Kel, I _need_ to. I'm going insane." Matt tried his best to choke back his emotions. 

The dark-haired lieutenant reached out very slowly, "Matt, you're not insane, you don't need to do this... _Please_." 

"I deserve to be in pain." He whispered so seriously that it scared Kelly to the bone.

"No, you don't. You deserve to be happy."

"No." Matt shook his head furiously, "You don't get it."

Kelly was firmly holding the hand that held the blade now, "Then show me. Help me understand." He pleaded, holding Matt's hands with both hands now.

Matt stared down painfully, looking down to the fresh skin, what was white that he now wanted to be red. _"Please."_   Kelly urged, every emotion he could possibly be feeling, suddenly throwing him through a loop.

Matt looked up through tear stained eyes, his sad, hurting blue orbs that seemed to pierce straight through him. "I can't do this anymore, Sevy." 

"Yeah you can," Kelly nodded quickly, "I'll help you. We can do it together."

" _Sev. I. Can't. Do. This. Any. More."_

"Matthew Casey, you can and you will get through this. I promise you."

Matt shook his head in defeat. "What if you're not here to stop me next time? What if you're at work and I'm here, and I can't help myself?"

"You fight it as hard as you can baby, you call me up, you tell me how you're feeling. I'll always be there for you, and if you really can't stop yourself, if you really can't, then I'll always be coming home to fix you right back up." Kelly said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, the most normal thing.

Tears fell from Matt's eyes as Kelly took away the blade; his fingers, his hands, they fell limp on his lap and he started breaking down. Kelly went out of the room for a moment, hiding the blade somewhere Matt would never find it, before coming back with something else in his hand. 

"Here Matty, these are for you." Kelly whispered softly, kneeling back down in front of the blonde haired man. 

Matt looked up in exhausted confusion. He glanced over to Kelly's hands to see what he was offering. Two elastic bands, a blue one and a red one. Matt stared at Kelly in bewilderment, looking for some kind of answer on the other man's face.

Kelly took the bands, putting one on Matt's left wrist, and one on his right. "These are for when you feeling like hurting yourself. Instead of cutting, just snap it. Like this-" Kelly proceeded to demonstrate, snapping the elastic around Matt's wrist. 

"Ouch!" Matt exclaimed, rubbing his wrist where a sting still lingered on. 

"Sorry," Kelly said sheepishly, grabbing Matt's arm and kissing it better.

Matt laughed airily, "No, it's okay. It just surprised me. Thank you." He replied, his voice small. The blonde gazed embarrassingly at the door that was laying against the wall. "Sorry, about the door."

"Hey don't worry about that," Kelly grinned, tapping Matt on the tip of his nose, "I wanted a new one there anyways.

Matt smiled shyly, tackling Kelly to the ground and hugging him tightly. "What would I do without you?" The blonde mumbled into Kelly's ear.

"Matty, I don't wanna know, so don't push me away, okay?"

Matt nodded subtly against the warmth of Kelly's neck. "Good. Now, I made you hot chocolate, you need to drink it before it turns into cold chocolate. Alright?"

The dark-haired lieutenant helped up the blonde, and together they went back to the living room. Kelly took a look back to the bathroom before shutting off the light, he'd fix that sometime this week. After Matt settled down into the couch, his weariness so blatantly obvious in his features, the other man couldn't help but join him and gather him up in his arms. Matt didn't refuse it one bit, in fact, he pushed himself even closer to the man, letting those familiar strong arms wrap around him. Matt breathed in, taking a deep inhale and relishing in Kelly's scent, the one he found so comforting. His shoulder hurt a wicked amount, but he was enjoying that too. That searing pain that burned lines in his bones, that told his mind he should be screaming because it hurt so much. But he couldn't care less. Matt didn't have the energy to care and that was okay, because he didn't matter.

Kelly ended up drinking both mugs of hot chocolate because Matt couldn't keep his eyes open for longer than a few minutes of being wrapped in a blanket. Kelly was just happy he was resting because from how it appeared, he hadn't gotten much sleep while Kelly was on shift. Instead of watching whatever show was playing on the TV, Kelly contently watched the blonde fall into a deep sleep as his mind thrummed in thought, figuring out how to make sure this didn't happen again.

**

Matt awoke in bed, beneath white fluffy sheets and with the sun's morning glow shining into the room. For a moment, he was confused how he'd gotten here, but he began to vaguely remember Kelly carrying him off to bed in the wee hours. Matt rolled over and pleasantly discovered Kelly's body right next to him, he flung a leg over the dark-haired man's hips and laid his head on his shoulder. 

"Morning." Kelly mumbled, wrapping an arm around Matt and tangling his legs around the blonde's.

"Nnnngh." Matt murmured, yawning loudly right after. 

"How you feeling?" Kelly's raspy morning voice came moments later.

Matt cracked open an eye, "You want the honest answer, or the more positive answer?"

Kelly shifted a little, turning further toward Matt. "Always the honest answer."

"Well, in that case," Matt replied matter of factly, closing his eye again, "If I wasn't so mentally fucked up that I found enjoyment in pain, I would be screaming because it hurts so much. I think my shoulder hurts the most, but my back is also extremely sore, in fact, I might pass out from the pain soon, but I won't scream, because I don't care that my pain is unbearable. This is what I wanted right? I wanted to be in pain.. Serves me right."

Kelly got up quickly and stormed out of the room. He all but ran to the bathroom, grabbing a Tylenol and an Advil, plus a glass of water. "Case." Kelly lamented in a huff, sitting on the edge of the bed holding out the pills. "I've said it before and I'll say it again until you finally get it. You don't deserve to be hurting or in pain and you never will deserve that." 

Matt kicked back the pills with ease, then smiled a little, "Get back in bed with me, Lieutenant."

Kelly grinned despite the severity of the situation, before rolling over and crawling over Matt, leaning down just to kiss him. "Matty," The dark-haired man whispered against soft lips, pausing where he was, relishing in the feeling of being so close to his boy. 

"Mm?" Matt hummed softly.

Kelly pulled back a little, setting their foreheads against one another. The lieutenant on top cupped his hands around Matt's face, eyes closed. "I need you to know.. Know that you're not alone, okay? You always have me, I'm always going to protect you. I'll take care of you, I'll make sure that you realize you don't deserve pain, I'll help you realize how loved you are. I really _really_ want to help you feel better."

Matt sighed happily, "Thank you, Sevy. I'll get there."

"Damn right you will." Kelly kissed Matt again before rubbing their cheeks together gently.

"I'm sorry I'm so messed up." Matt groaned in disappointment, but loving the feel of Kelly's slight stubble against his neck.

Kelly pulled back, "Messed up? Who said anything about messed up?"

"Look, I'm a wreck, I think we both know that." Matt breathed, meeting Kelly's bright blue eyes. "I'm fighting myself. I know I am. One minute I want to remember. The next minute I want to live in the land of forgetting. One minute I want to feel. The next minute I never want to feel again."

Kelly ran his fingers through Matt's soft blonde hair, "It's not always going to this way, don't worry. I'll help you remember the good things and help you feel better than ever. It'll take time, but we got this, Matt. I got you." He smiled, leaving kisses upon kisses all over the blonde's neck, jaw, and face.

Matt just giggled, as the kissed turned a little sloppy, "Well, we'll never have to get a dog." He teased, the kisses that Kelly put near his neck were tickling him. He was feeling so cared for in this moment, and the best part? The monsters were staying away, for now it was just the two of them, Matt and Kelly, Kelly and Matt.


	22. Floating Islands

"A date?" Matt repeated softly, looking at Kelly sceptically as he processed what the other man had just asked him. "You want _me_ , to go on a _date_ , with _you?"_

Kelly had a little grin on his face as he nodded casually, "Yeah."

"Are- . . . are you sure?" The corners of Matt's lips were turned upwards, and though his face was guarded, Kelly could see the excitement dancing in the man's bright blue orbs.

"I wouldn't have asked you if I wasn't." Kelly explained, rather amused by how this was playing out, so much different than the hundred different ways he'd imagined it going.

Matt thought deeply for a moment, switching his gaze to the floor as his mind worked. It was only a mere moment before he met Kelly's eyes again, and it was with a mischievous smirk planted on his soft lips. "Well, in that case," He announced playfully, "I'd love to."

"Pick you up at 7." Kelly winked, leaning in to give Matt a quick kiss on the forehead, before getting out of bed and heading out to the kitchen to brew some coffee in order to start their day off right. After pressing the start button on the coffee machine, Kelly quickly returned to the nice warm bed that he had reluctantly left earlier. Matt was still there, no surprise, and as soon as Kelly got into bed, he was immediately clung onto by the blonde. 

If you would have asked Kelly a year ago, if he had thought Casey was a cuddler, he would have immediately said no. But if you asked him now, Kelly would say without a doubt that Casey was the most cuddly person you'd ever meet. He didn't mind that at all though, in fact he enjoyed when the man curled up to him in his sleep, or rested on his chest after his poor blonde head had a bad nightmare. It was one of the most peaceful experiences ever, cuddling with Casey, it was calming and relaxing and everything you needed after a long shift at the firehouse. 

"What do you want to do today?" Kelly inquired in a voice not much higher than a whisper, as his fingers gently traced the skin on the other man's back.

"Well my shoulder kinda limits our options," Matt noted, patting his bright white sling. 

Kelly laughed softly, "You sure about that?." The dark-haired man quizzed softly, rolling Matt onto his back. 

Matt smirked when he noticed the seductive glimmer in Kelly's eyes. "Not anymore."

Kelly just gave Matt a wink before slowly leaving a trail of kisses all the way down Matt's chest and abdomen, even a little further still. Soon enough, Kelly was leaving the blonde in a moaning, wriggling, tensing mess. Matt barely had enough wits about him to grab a condom from the nightstand drawer and shove it in Kelly's hand. 

*** 

Coffee was ready just in time. The two boys were sated and relaxed after their bout of extra curricular activities, they were sipping on hot coffee, and nothing could be better in that moment. "So," Kelly chuckled slightly, "What do you _actually_ want to do today?"

"Well, now that you've proven my shoulder won't get in the way," Matt smiled breezily, letting out a content sigh of relief, "I guess we should probably get some groceries. I damn near starved when you were gone, I'll have you know."

"Did you even eat anything while I was on shift?" Kelly remarked, afraid he already knew the answer.

Matt grinned timidly for a moment, shaking his head. 

"Matthew Casey!" Kelly exclaimed in disbelief, shaking his head incredulously.

"What?" The blonde inquired, the smile never leaving his face.

Kelly leaned over, "Not okay, I need you to stay strong and healthy for me."

"Sorry," Matt muttered. "I just... It was a rough day."

"I know... And I'm sorry," Kelly nodded, leaving a lingering kiss on Matt's forehead, "Let's try not to let that happen again okay?"

"That'd be nice." Matt snorted, unamused because sometimes it felt like maybe he'd never get rid of those damn demons.

"Hey, Matt." Kelly spoke in a calm, encouraging voice. "I'm going to do my best to make sure you never have to go through a day like that again, but you have to do your best too."

"Okay." Matt sighed, looking at the other man, gazing at the perfectness that he just was. How'd he ever get so lucky to have such an amazing best friend, or whatever their label was these days. _Actually_ \- that got Matt thinking, what _were_ they? They obviously weren't just friends anymore, they shared the same bed and sometimes even the same clothes, and they'd seen more of each other than most besties typically would. They were so much more than "friends with benefits," that's for damn sure. 

Kelly interrupted Matt's thoughts by pushing back his rumpled blonde hair, trying to tame his locks out of their bedheadedness. Kelly chuckled, giving up a few moments into the process, because not only did that hair like to cooperate, but also, the other man did happen to love when his hair stuck up in all directions like that.

"So, groceries." Kelly pondered, sipping the last of his coffee and setting his mug on the nightstand. "What else is on the agenda?"

Matt looked up, a suggestive raise of his eyebrows accompanying the lusty sparkle in his eyes. "Round two," He smirked, forcefully pulling the dark-haired man on top of him.

Kelly smirked and in his turned-on, low, gravelly voice, replied, "Hell yes." Before going to town on Matt's lips, kissing him deeply and desperately. Kelly had his hands everywhere and wasn't able to stop himself from roaming the soft skin with his warm digits. 

_Round two it was._

**

Matt rolled off of Kelly with a sigh of approval, "That was..." The blonde began, his breathing still heavy.

"...Amazing." Kelly finished for the other man, tilting his head toward the blonde so he could look him in the eyes. 

Matt nodded frantically, a big grin on his face. "Yeah you are." Matt beamed, his eyes shining brightly as he looked at the man beside him. They exchanged looks for a little while longer, before Kelly finally got up, but it was only to start up the shower. Thankfully, the two of them already had no clothes on, so the process of getting in was easy. Well, aside from Matt's sling, which Kelly carefully removed before helping him under the hot spray of the water. "Figured this might help your shoulder." Kelly surmised, staring at the steam as it wafted throughout the bathroom. 

Matt smiled warmly, "Thanks, Sevy."

"Anything for you, sunshine." Kelly gushed with a soft smile crossing his lips, holding Matt still as he slowly began working the muscle of Matt's bad arm and shoulder, carefully trying to lessen the pain today. He'd seen Matt wince too many times today already, even though the man had attempted to hide it.

Kelly was careful and tried to be as gentle as he could; the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Matt more. The dark-haired lieutenant continued trying to work the strained muscle of Matt's back, arm, and shoulder, attempted to rid the area of residual stiffness and soreness from being restricted to the sling. Of course, he didn't put any pressure on the shoulder blade itself, he knew that would hurt immensely considering the fracture. Matt felt himself gradually relax into Kelly's arms, the feeling of their hearts beating in sync, the rhythm, was pulling them close together. 

Their bodies were like two peas in a bod; when the were right up close, their skin touching, they fit together like a hand in a glove, every curve met in reverse on the other body. It brought the artistic lines of their silhouettes into shape, taking from the melody of their brainwaves colliding midair. That way that they could talk without saying anything, those facial cues and micro gestures provided that communication. Those were a testament about how it wasn't only the physical aspects of themselves conformed around each other, more so, the chemistry they had and the way they just grasped at each other in such an invisible way.

Drops of water stood stagnant on Matt's chest and arms, as he absentmindedly stood in front of the sink after emerging from the shower. He didn't understand, he seriously _did not get_ what was happening to him. The way his mind was shutting itself away some of the time, and at other moments, coming forth full fledged, swords drawn. He wished to hell it was gone, he wanted to be normal, _feel_ normal. But life was dealing him a shitty hand of invisible problems that begged to be dealt with, but Matt couldn't help but shoving everything under the corner of that oh so inviting rug. He was beyond stressed out, he was anxious about a lot these days, but going back to the doctor? Well, that was just the damn _freaking_ cherry on top and he could barely bare to think about it, let alone entertain the idea of picking up the phone and making an appointment.

Kelly stepped out of the hot shower moments later and came to stand behind the blonde. The darker-haired man wrapped those comforting arms around Matt's front and rested his cheek against Matt's ear. "Stop it." Kelly whispered in a near silent tone, an edge of playfulness to his words.

"Hmm?" Matt questioned, still a little too far out of his head to form a full word.

"Whatever it is you're overthinking. Stop." Kelly was softly leaving a kiss against Matt's jaw, before padding out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

Matt smiled inwardly. That Kelly Severide of his. That soft-spoken, gentle, and caring man, the same one that made his heart fill with butterflies every time he entered a room. Matt had decided that if he only had one reason to live, it would be that dark-haired lieutenant, Matt's knight in shining turnout gear. He'd stay alive just to see the end of days with Kelly, his best friend and whatever they were now. Matt hoped desperately that the monsters agreed with that and let him have that life that he remember only being able to dream about. He had to hope for damn sure that somehow, some way, Matt could cut ties with those evil beings inside of him.

When Kelly walked back into the bathroom, he was fully dressed and carrying some clothes that were presumably for Matt. Kelly pulled the man away from the mirror and helped him sit  down. As gently as he could, he assisted Matt with the putting on a dark red v-neck, before beginning the somewhat tedious process of strapping on the sling that would hold Matt's broken shoulder in place to reduce pain and help it heal correctly. Soon after, his boxers were on, followed by fleece-lined jeans. When Matt mentioned the fact he didn't own fleece-lined jeans, Kelly was quick to garble on, "Well it's cold outside and I don't want you to get cold and so _I just thought I'd share  a  pair   of   m i n e._ "

Matt felt that familiar warmness build in his heart, the kind that he'd been feeling more and more recently, despite his body's unwillingness to want to be happy or feel good. He liked that feeling, and maybe it's just because he hadn't really experience it before, but he wanted it to continue. He always wanted to feel as safe and as cared for as Kelly made him feel. In the back of Matt's mind, he kinda knew that he'd never get rid Kelly, he was just one of those people that was so much a part of your life that you could never lose them, no matter how hard you tried.

Kelly helped Matt with his socks, pulling them on and making sure they were fitting as perfectly as possible before standing up and looking at his handiwork with a satisfied grin on his face. "There. How's that?" The dark-haired man spoke with a light contentment and happiness that was simply seeping from every pore.

Matt smiled softly, his shoulder throbbed and his back ached, but he was good. "It's perfect."

"Yeah, you are." Kelly winked, helping Matt up gently and enveloping him in warm arms that very nearly seemed to have the power to induce sleep. Matt only figured that because after nearly a full minute of the embrace, he began dozing off.

"So, are you ready to head into town?" Kelly asked softly with half-quirked lips, a twinkle in his eyes as he pulled back and pecked Matt on the cheek.

Matt grinned in response, taking a mental snapshot of Kelly's happy glow, tucking it away in the back of his mind for later. "Ready as I'll ever be."


	23. Construction Ahead

_As ready as he'd ever be._ Why Matt had even _thought_ about saying that, he wasn't sure. Because he was  not ready to face the cruel world. 

First stop:Grocery Store _(aka the deep dark pit of the world's ripest scum.)_

As they strolled through the front doors of the grocery story, Matt heard the glass doors slide closed behind him and this was it. No turning back now, no going back to their comfortable home where Matt could grab Kelly's hand if he was beginning to feel that all too familiar panic rise. It was public and Matt could only recall that one man who had been so rude to them all those weeks ago. What if he was here again and he was guns blazing trying to shoot a hole in the cover they were trying to play. What if someone just seen through Matt and knew all the worries he had, including being outed by the slightest mistake?

Matt walked through the store, trailing a few feet behind Kelly who was doing most of the shopping. The blonde-haired man tried his best to keep his head down as much as possible, avoiding everything and everyone. Every single time he forced himself to peek up, it seemed like another pair of prying eyes were on him, trying to rip off a chunk of his soul. 

"Do we need any eggs?" Kelly asked aloud, more to himself than to Matt, but he still waited for the other man's reply. When, after a few moments, there was still silence, Kelly turned around to face the blonde. He was surprised and immediately worried when he seen the tone of Matt's ashen skin, he looked as if he'd seen a ghost. He also noticed the way Matt's hands were clenching and unclenching into fists by his sides as he stared determinedly at the ground. "Matt?" Kelly said softly, almost under his breath. "Matty, come back to me." He continued, making sure not to grab the attention of any of the many people in the aisle, Kelly knew that wouldn't help. Kelly took a step towards Matt, trying to get close enough without getting too close, a terribly difficult balance. 

Kelly's mentally tried to will Matt to feel better, tried to break down that icy wall that he could nearly imagine building up. The one Matt liked to use when he knew he was close to letting everybody see the side of him that was just a little too raw, too vulnerable. As far as Kelly knew, the only person the blonde would open up to was him, which he couldn't help but be touched by, but it also scared the living shit out of him. Because what the hell was going to happen if Kelly didn't make it home from a call? What if that left Matt all alone again? It tore Kelly up inside just thinking about it.

An elderly lady walked by just as Kelly was about to inch a little closer, she stopped and stared at Matt, who was still doing nothing more than looking to the ground. "What's wrong with you?" She asked, her voice rough and sharp. Kelly was hoping it would be the gentle, nurturing, angelic kind of granny, but this swamp lurker was far from that perfect picture. She smelled of cheap cigarettes and was dressed as if she was trying to fit in with the hip youngsters of today's crowd. She got right up into Matt's personal space and grabbed his shoulder with her scaly claw-like fingers, her neck craning to Kelly as creepily as it could have, her face slowly shifting over along with it. "Is he stupid?"

Kelly was rendered frozen to the spot, he was much taken aback by this woman, who admittedly was instilling fear deep within the caverns of his soul. "He's not stupid." Kelly said firmly, confusion on his face. 

"Looks like it," Replied the heartless bastard of a lady, the straight line of a mouth resembling the stick she probably had shoved up her ass. 

Matt tried his best to get to Kelly, his safe place, but he felt as if he was paralyzed and therefore unable to move. His mind was shutting down as he felt all the tension and stress written in the sound waves all around him. The monsters began running in full force as he tried his best to get away, but he was swarmed, unable to see through the thick cloud of demons that were blocking his vision. He just wanted out, he needed Kelly to get him out, he just needed quiet. 

"Go away," Kelly began to raise his voice a notch louder as he moved himself closer to the woman so he could rip her vile hands off his Matt. 

The lady glared at Kelly, her eyes glazed over and full of contempt, "He needs a doctor. He ain't right in the head." She snarled defensively, baring all five of her teeth as a scowl crossed her face. 

"Get away from him," Kelly's tone was full of warning, and he was beginning to attract attention from others in the store. Another woman, a younger version of the one currently manhandling his man, came around the corner and into the aisle. 

"Ma!" She yelled at the older woman. It was absolutely terrifying how similar they looked, even though the younger of the two didn't have nearly as many wrinkles, not to mention a full set of pearly whites. "What are you doing here? We gotta go, Ma. I told you already six times, _ugh_." It was apparent the daughter was just about as fed up with the mother as Kelly was, and he was glad the daughter was now forcefully removing the old scumbag.

But Matt, oh his poor Matty was still having bad effects of his panic, which were now even worse because of that repugnant hag who was just exiting the aisle. It was all Kelly could do not to slap that woman silly, but he liked to think he was a stand up guy who respected his elders. Kelly couldn't stand it anymore, surely it couldn't get any worse than what it was, so he went to plan B. He knew Matt wouldn't like it, but Kelly seen no other way to calm the blonde down. The dark-haired man got closer, extending both arms out in order to reach for Matt. 

"N-n-n-no no, Severide." Matt stuttered, looking up into Kelly's eyes in terror, "Everybody will _know_." 

"It's okay, it's just you and me." Kelly replied softly, comfortingly. He reached out a hand to Matt's shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze. 

Matt ripped himself away from Kelly and took some steps back, his eyes were darting around at the small crowd they'd attracted and he was very obviously scared out of his mind. "Matt, it's okay." His voice barely carried itself to Matt's ear drums, once there, it didn't go any further. Matt's mind was deaf and blind and any sense he had before was destroyed. Matt was panicking inside, and his monsters were talking full and absolute advantage of his vulnerable state. 

It seemed like every single individual though Matt had had in his entire lifetime was now swirling desperately inside his brain, looking for a way out. Everything was getting jumbled and he needed to find security somewhere inside of him but he couldn't, he couldn't find his safe place. Matt did the only thing he knew how to do at that moment and he took off running. He ran past the people and their prying eyes and he let his legs get him as far away from everything as he could. In the back of his mind, Matt almost thought he could hear footsteps padding along the ground behind him, and he was struck with icy fear. They were chasing him. The monsters, or maybe the people, or perhaps they were one in the same, but they were hunting him down.

Matt burst through the front doors of the store and out into the open parking lot. There were people everywhere, people pushing carts, walking in and out of the store, and everybody staring right into Matthew Casey's very soul. Matt, terrified by everything at the moment, couldn't help but let his feet carry him. He ran to a little patch of trees on the far end of the parking lot, his sling bouncing against his chest overtime he set a foot to the ground which aggravated his shoulder immensely, but he couldn't be bothered to slow down.

The dark-haired lieutenant was jogging at full speed trying to catch up to him, Matt had always been a tad bit faster and this situation was no exception. "Matty?" Kelly asked in a huff as he tried to catch his breath. He looked around at the large trees, expecting to see Matt every time he turned his vision, but he couldn't find him. "Matt?" Suddenly, Kelly spotted a trail of footsteps on the ground, leading up to a large-trunked tree. Carefully and quietly, Kelly walked towards it and with great speed, he quickly rounded the tree and gathered a spooked Matt into his arms.

"Ah!" Matt yelled, his eyes betraying the terror and fear that his body was feeling in that moment. 

"It's okay I got you, baby."

"Let me go!" Matt started sobbing he tried to push Kelly away, half-heartedly hitting Kelly's chest in an attempt to be released. "Let me g..." Matt tried again, his voice raw, cracking after every other word.

"No, Matt." Kelly replied firmly, pulling Matt to him and rubbing his back softly, "Just relax, okay? Let me hold you."

Matt tried fighting it for another minute, but deep down inside it's not what he wanted, he knew he didn't want to push Kelly away. Matt took in a shaky breath between sobs and collapsed against Kelly's chest, he just let himself be held as he weakly cried against Kelly's shirt. Tears ran down his face one after the other, a waterfall of emotions. "I'm s-so-sorry." He wept, clutching fistfuls of Kelly's shirt as if they were his lifelines. 

"No, baby." Kelly's voice was soft and soothing against the rawness of where they were and what they were doing. "Don't be sorry, you didn't do anything wrong."

Kelly held Matt there for a long while, just letting the man get out all of his emotions and as well as all of the monsters that currently had a sharp hold on him. "But I d-d-did!" Matt looked so broken as he stood there, letting the stream of tears roll down his face, trying to sniffle back the impending gush of a sob.

"Hmm?" Kelly prompted, running his hand across the side of Matt's head. 

"Everything is my fault," Matt fell to his knees, clutching his throbbing shoulder painfully, "I can't even-" A sob hit him and he paused for a moment before getting his nerves under control, his voice lowered substantially as he continued, "-can't even go in public anymore."

"Yeah, you can Matt. You did so good, and next time will be even better." Kelly urged carefully, kneeling down to Matt's level and rubbing circles across his sore shoulder.

Matt shook his head, eyes planted firmly to the ground beneath him, tears once again falling freely from his ducts, "No. There's not going to be a next time."

Kelly looked at Matt through confused vision, "I'm sure some day you'll get groceries with me again sometime, it's okay." 

"That's not what I meant." The blonde muttered softly, speaking firmly in a way that told Kelly that he wasn't kidding around.

"I'm confused." Kelly stated. He said it as a statement, but if he were being honest, it was more of a question, a prompt to explain.

Matt determinedly didn't switch his glance, kept it trained on the hard unrelenting ground. "I'm done, Kelly... With life, with everything."

**

The drive home was silent besides the quiet warbling of the radio and the soft purr of the engine. Matt blearily stared out the passenger window, determined not to let the tears spill over the rims of his weary, bloodshot eyes. He didn't say a word, and Kelly didn't try to make him do so. The dark-haired man was busy focusing on the road and trying to figure out how the hell he was going to help the blonde. After all, how do you help someone who seems to have already given up hope?

Matt opened the car door before it even rolled to a stop and he was in the house before Kelly even had time to cut the ignition. At a far slower pace, Kelly followed, pausing at the front door, not entering. He couldn't yet... He wasn't quite ready, so he sat on the stairs in front of their front door, just to quietly think as he let the cold stinging air nip at his face. He kicked at the ground with the toe of his shoe, there had to be more he could do, or say, or _something_.

Minutes passed, maybe hours, Kelly couldn't be sure. The only way he was able to gauge time was by feeling how far the frostbite had traveled up his fingers. All he knew, is that once his hands were mostly numb, the door opened behind him, slowly and quietly. Kelly probably wouldn't have heard it if the wind wasn't so still, if his mind wasn't so blatantly empty of ideas. He felt a warm arm wrap loosely around his neck from behind, and hang off his shoulder, "You're cold."

Kelly leaned back into the touch, he nodded slightly.

"Come," Matt whispered, standing up and reaching down to help the dark-haired lieutenant up. Kelly followed the other man, who was practically dragging him by the hand to their room. 

Once to the bedroom, Kelly felt himself being shoved onto the mattress, which he hit and sunk into with a huff before bouncing back a little. Matt was on top of him in seconds, trying to pull his clothes off, but Kelly was a little hesitant. He did want this, but he could see the urgency and pain in Matt's eyes, and he knew the man just wasn't in the right mindset to be doing anything like this. "Matt," He tried, turning his head away slightly as the blonde was trying to kiss him. Then another second later, Matt was trying to one-handedly take off Kelly's jeans, and that's where the shirtless man stopped him.

"Matt!" Kelly's voice was a notch louder than before, and it certainly got Matt's attention.

Matt looked up at Kelly with sad, empty eyes. He cocked his head toward one side, and his voice was quiet as he spoke. "What?"

"Matty," Kelly began, pulling the man to his chest and rubbing soft circles in his back.

"Don't you want me?" Matt inquired with a twang of innocent worry, like a kid whose cookie had just been taken away. 

"I do, Matt." Kelly assured him, pulling back and laying Matt down gently on top of the covers. "I do want you, but just... Not like this." Kelly lay beside Matt so they were face to face.

"Like what?" Matt's face was expressionless and at this point, so was his body language. 

Kelly's eyes lost their soft twinkle and dulled considerably, "Matty, you told me you're done with life and _everything_ , which I can only assume includes me, and you expect me to just forget about it?"

Matt looked at him silently for a few moments, trying to sort things out in his head. "Yeah. Please."

"It's not that easy. I can't risk losing you." Kelly bit his bottom lip, forcing his emotions down so they wouldn't show up unannounced and make a mess of everything.

"Pffft," Matt snorted, turning slightly away. "Yeah right."

"Yeah." Kelly nodded vigorously, then the sadness of his features deepened and worry crossed his face, "Matt, I _can't_ lose you." The dark-haired man keeps glancing between Matt's eyes, trying to see through him and find his thoughts.

Matt is looking back at Kelly and all he wants to say is, _it's fine I'll be fixed soon and we'll live happily ever after_ , but Matt doesn't say that because he doesn't make promises that he can't keep, especially to Kelly, he always _always_ keeps his word to Kelly no matter what. So what if he can't get better? What if he just stayed feeling this way forever? He wouldn't be able to provide Kelly with a good relationship if he wasn't able to get rid of his issues. "I should leave."

Kelly looked at him curiously, concern in his eyes. "Got somewhere to be?"

"You don't deserve this Sev, I'm a wreck." 

"Wha-"

"No, listen. I'm leaving... For real this time.. I have to, I- need to. I can't keep hurting you. It's killing me to hurt you... You're better off with someone else, Sevy. Really, you are." Matt sighed, tears brimming his eyes as he stood, "Trust me." His voice quivered as he started backing away from the bed.

 _Trust me_.


	24. High and Dry

Kelly was immobilized with fear, his heart dropped and he was a began beating faster than a war drum. This is what it felt like, he supposed, to have the only person that he's every loved so deeply, run away. Why did people always run away from him?

"Casey! Please, wait!" Kelly called, hoping to hell the man would listen because he tripped over the sheets as he was trying to get off the bed and he didn't know if he'd be able to catch up. "Matt!" He tried again, his forehead pounding from it's run-in from the floor. No response, no sound of footsteps. Kelly tried to get untangled from the sheets that his leg was still forcibly hooked in, but to no avail. Kelly's pent up emotions, everything he'd been working so hard to hide from his boy, was coming out in full force now. The tears were running down his face in streams no matter how hard he attempted to keep them in. Kelly clenched his fist tightly and punched the hardwood floor. He would've cried out in pain, but the turmoil inside of him was so overwhelming that he couldn't feel anything physical. The only searing, hurting pain he felt was the sting in his heart. What had he done wrong? Hell, had he even done anything right?

Kelly finally got his leg free and wasted no time running to the front door to look out the window. _Damn it..._   Matt's truck was gone... _Matt_ was gone. Kelly roughly rubbed his hands across his face. He could feel the blood thrumming through his veins, hear it even. 

Kelly didn't even know what to do.

Should he let Matt have some alone time?

Should he be getting in his car to go chase after him?

Where would his boy even go?

There was so many places he could be, would he ever find him?

Would even Matt _want_ to come back?

Kelly needed Matt so much, he couldn't bear to be without him, yet that blonde-headed boy didn't even realize it.

Kelly began pacing the hallway trying to figure out what to do. He had tried calling Matt multiple times because he was pretty sure he had taken his phone. He'd even sent a bunch of texts.

 

_"Come back to me, baby boy."_

_"Please. I need you."_

_"Matty, come home."_

_"Don't leave me, I don't want anyone but you."_

_"Please, Matt."_

But he'd had no reply. Matt had been gone for nearly an hour now and there was no sign of a return. Kelly was worried beyond belief, surely Matt hadn't been in any condition to drive, not with the tears brimming in his eyes like they were. Panic began rising in Kelly once again and he was pretty sure he wanted to throw up, but then he heard it. The sound of the front door opening and quickly being slamming closed. Kelly was ready to jump for joy, he was ready to cry out in relief, his boy was home!

Kelly had this mental image of Matt running into his arms, telling him he would never leave again. They'd hug, they'd kiss, they'd just _be_. They would spend the rest of the day together and Kelly would take him out tonight for the best date of his life, and it would be good. _So good_. Kelly rounded the corner towards the entryways, almost at a sprint he was so excited.

And then Kelly stopped dead in his tracks, his heart dropped again, and his blood filled with the kind of venom only one person in the entire world could bring. Gabby _fuckin'_ Dawson. There she was, standing there in the entryway, smug look on her face like she owned the place. "Severide." She stated condescendingly, giving him a bitter look.

"Dawson." Kelly replied, not a speck of emotion in his face nor voice.

"Where's Matt?" She demanded, looking around.

Kelly glared at her, shrugged. "None of your business Gabby, you should know that by now."

"It is my business," She was walking toward Kelly now, "He is  **going** to be my boyfriend again."

The dark-haired lieutenant looked down at the woman disgustedly, "He doesn't want to be your boyfriend."

Dawson snorted in disbelief, "And how would you know?"

"He told me." Kelly retorted confidently. Gabby was roaming around the kitchen now, in the same way a lion would circle it's next meal. Little did she know, she was going to be going hungry tonight because like hell Kelly had any info for her, even if he did, it's not like he'd share it. 

"You're lying," Her voice was quavering now, he eyes bordering on tears. Kelly didn't feel like dealing with this right now, like could she have honestly come at a worse time? "My Matt would _never_ say anything like that. He loves me."

Kelly groaned inwardly, of course she would think the world revolves around her. Or course, she wouldn't care how Matt felt about it, it was always just about her. Kelly opened the front door and stepped back to leave room for that witch to leave, "Gabby, get out."

Gabby walked over to the door and stepped outside, before pausing and turning around, "This won't be the last time you see me, Severide. I will find Matt even if I have to wa-" Kelly shut the door in her face, not bothering to listen to whatever other bullshit she was about to spew out of her mouth. 

Kelly checked his phone yet again, no new messages. He wanted to get out there and start looking for him but he didn't have a clue as to where he would have run off to. Plus, he was worried because what if he came back and Kelly was gone? No, it was better for him to wait it out, he was sure Matt was probably okay. He had to be. 

Afternoon was quickly fading into evening and the sun was setting. It was cold out, that was for sure, so he hoped his boy was staying warm. Kelly wished more than anything that he could go out and personally make sure that the other man was okay. But as it was, he was helpless. 

He resorted to texting, surely Matt was able to see the messages. He was 99 percent sure he'd watched Matt grab his phone on his way out.

 

 

 **7:48 PM:**     _"Please tell me you're safe."_

Kelly wasn't sure what to say. He felt like an idiot for ever letting Matt go, of course it wasn't by choice, but still. It takes a real dumbass to get so tangled up in bedsheets, that you face plant like that. His head was still sore, though it didn't hurt nearly as much as his heart.

 

 

 **9:57 PM:**       _"Matt, please stay warm, for me?"_

 

 

Kelly was pacing in the kitchen, his phone on the counter. He stared at it almost maniacally, waiting for it to light up from a text, vibrate from a call, but nothing. It was going to be a cold night tonight, well below freezing temperature. Kelly couldn't eat or drink, he couldn't function in the slightest, he was too worried.

 

 

 **10:26 PM:**       _"Hey, baby, you need to take your meds, please come home and get them."_

 

 

He was about to start pulling his hair out. Matt was already messed up with his pill schedule, he didn't need it to be any more screwed up than it already was. He didn't want Matt to resent his medication more than he already did; he didn't want to risk having it off balance, he was worried it would have bad effects on Matt and add to the burden.

 

 

 **11:41 PM:**       _"There's a snowstorm due day after tomorrow, I need my cuddle buddy for that, come back."_

 

 

Terrible. Kelly was already filling his mind with thoughts that he knew he shouldn't be thinking. Along with worrying that Matt was in a ditch somewhere, dying all alone, Kelly was stressed about the fact that he might be gone longer than he thought. What if Matt was just not going to come back?

 

 

 **12:03 AM:**       _"Matty, I don't want to sleep alone tonight._

 

 

Kelly may have been crying when he sent that one. He was gripping one of Matt's t-shirts in his hands, letting the familiar scent that was Matt, waft gently up to his nose. He was on Matt's side of the bed, eyes red from tears, and heart heavy with worry and sadness.

 

 

 **1:47 AM:**       _"I can't sleep not knowing if you're alright, just tell me if you're okay."_

 

 

The dark-haired lieutenant was getting desperate for something, anything. He just needed a single text, one word. Then he'd be okay, he'd be alright knowing that at least he was safe, then maybe he could at least catch some shut eye. He needed it, considering he had shift in the morning.

 

 

 **2:33 AM:**       _"I'm really worried, Matt. I don't know what to do, please. I need you."_

 

 

Kelly was delirious from all the worrying, from the lack of sleep, and from the pacing he'd been doing around the house. He just wanted his boy in his arms, he wanted his blondie to get into his bed with him and sleep the night away together. He just wanted Matt.

 

 

 **3:12 AM:**       _"Still haven't managed to sleep, I miss you so much. Please come back to me."_

 

 

Kelly was crying, sobbing wholeheartedly now. His heart weighed heavy on him and he wondered what he'd done to deserve this. Did he deserve this? He wasn't sure he remembered the last time he'd cried this much in one day, surely if that wasn't a testament to how much he cared about Matt, then he wasn't sure what was.

 

 

 **5:34 AM:**       _"I have shift today, don't know if you remembered. Feel free to stop in at my office anytime._

 

 

Kelly hadn't slept a wink and he was in no way prepared for the long twenty-four hours ahead of him. In fact, he was nearly dreading all the moments of pure agony he'd have to face. After all, there was a giant hole in his heart made from the sting and terror of being abandoned by the boy he loved. Left to try and cope, all alone and with not even a sparkle of hope to hold onto for the moment.

 

 

 **9:02 AM:**       _"I left the key under the mat in case you want to come home."_

 

 

The people at firehouse 51 knew something was off with Kelly as soon as he walked through the door. His usual cheery self was replaced by an icy, touchy asshole. He knew his behaviour wasn't that good, and he knew he needed to improve his attitude, but how could he when he hadn't slept, Matt was _hell_ knows where, and he had to get through a ridiculously cold twenty-four hours?

 

 

 **10:08 AM:**       _"Was it something I said? Or did?_

 

 **10:31 AM:**       _"Oh fuck, this is all my fault isn't it."_

 

 **10:42 AM:**      _"I'm sorry if I said the wrong thing or hurt you. I didn't mean to make you leave."_

 

 

Kelly was sitting in his office, worried out of his mind. Matt must be home by now, he had to be. Unless he wasn't. There was a thought that lingered in Kelly's mind that frustrated him and bothered him completely, mostly because he never thought he'd have to worry about it being true.        Maybe Matt wouldn't ever come back to him.

 

 

 **11:58 AM:**   _"It's lunch time, make sure you eat something, okay?"_

 

 

Kelly reluctantly followed his own advice and made his way into the common room. As soon as he walked in the room, a hush fell over the chatter that had been going on. He was now the centre of attention whether he liked it or not. He could practically feel the eyes boring into his back as he poured himself a coffee, and as soon as he turned around, everybody's eyes headed to the floor. Nobody would want to get singled out by Kelly during a time like this, they all knew from personal experience what that felt like.

 

 

 **12:33 PM:**     _"What did you have for lunch, Matty?"_

He sincerely hoped his boy had eaten. He was so beyond worried about him. What if he was sitting somewhere, alone, cold, hungry. What if something had happened to him? How would he find out?

**12:36 PM:** _"I had a sandwich.. Not as good as the ones you make."_

Kelly was a sucker for anything the blonde cooked up, he was such a great cook, even when it came to something as simple as a sandwich. He pushed his half empty plate away from him and sighed heavily. Where was his boy?

 

 

 **1:23 PM:**       _"Hey, Matty. You okay?"_

 

 

Capp had just come to Severide's office to ask him a question and Kelly had responded by yelling at him over nothing. Kelly needed to pull himself together, he knew that. But not knowing if Matt was okay or not was just ripping him up on the inside and the weak tape he was using to hold himself together was doing nothing to hold his wounds closed.

 

 

 **2:01 PM:**       _"I'm so worried, I just don't know what to do anymore."_

 

 

Kelly was desperate. He had resorted to shutting everybody out and he was literally acting like an ice queen. This wasn't his proudest shift. Everybody knew something was wrong and they tried their best not to aggravate their lieutenant, but it didn't take much.

 

 

 **2:57 PM:**       _"Everybody keeps asking me how you are. I've been telling them you're fine. But you're not, are you?"_

 

 

Once he had Matt back, he knew something would have to change. There was no way things could continue like they were. Matt wasn't okay, and he was putting himself in danger. Hell knows where he was right now and what if something happened.

 

 

 **3:45 PM:**     _"Just got back from a call, motor vehicle accident. Worried the whole way there it was gonna be your truck that got totalled. I'm so worried about you."_

 

 

That's all that was running through Kelly's mind. All the worst case scenarios, all the bad things that could have or could be happening to him. He could have been hurt, he could have hurt himself. Kelly was getting more tense and scared with every moment that passed.

 

 

 **5:13 PM:**       _"Hey, just letting you know that I miss you._

 

 

Kelly looked down at his hands. They shook and trembled, a physical representation of what his insides looked like. Every spare second he had was spent staring at his blank phone screen, waiting, hoping by some miracle that Matt would text him back. Kelly channeled all his energy into his hands, squeezing them into fists in order to stop the shaking. But there was so much emotion, stress behind it that they shook violently anyway.

 

 

 **7:04 PM:**     _"Have you had supper? Make sure you eat, baby."_

 

 

Kelly himself couldn't bear to eat. He had no appetite, no desire to gain any sustenance, especially when all he could picture in his mind was his Matty, all huddled up trying to keep warm, empty stomach.

 

 

 **8:54 PM:**       _"Are you home yet? Supposed to be a cold night out."_

 

 

Worse yet. Maybe Matt was sitting in some dark dirty alleyway. Freezing softly, slowly. Hypothermia beginning to wrack his body, frostbite attacking his fingers and toes. Kelly nearly threw up just thinking of the possibility.

 

 

 **10:43 PM:**       _"It's time for your medication again... Matt it's not a good idea for you to be missing those."_

 

 

Those damned pills. They hadn't been working worth a damn, why hadn't he tried harder to make Matt go back to the doctor? Kelly felt terrible. This really was all his fault, wasn't it? He was the one to blame, he should have been doing a better job at taking care of Matt.

 

 

 **11:22 PM:**       _"Still wondering and hoping you're okay, it's been over a day since you left and I don't know how much longer I can go without you."_

 

 

All these seconds dragged on, the seconds that turned into minutes. Minutes went to hours, and now it was more than a day gone. A whole entire day of no Matt, no sign of him being okay, just nothing. 

 

 

 **11:50 PM:**       _"What did I do? What was it about me that made you want to leave?_

 

 

Kelly may not have been aware of it, but the tears were flowing down his face again. He shuttered, not having slept in almost forty hours was beginning to affect him. The alarm went off above him and he walked out of his office and made straight to the Squad truck, realizing that there were tears on his face just in time to wipe them away before anyone saw.

 

 

 **1:22 AM:**       _"Matty, just tell me where you are, I can pick you up, it'll be okay._

 

 

Kelly was covered in dirt and grime, he'd just gotten back to the station and he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't deal with this gut wrenching pain inside of him, this throbbing wound that he couldn't even see.

 

 

 **2:06 AM:**       _"I miss you."_

The call he'd just been on was rough. It was scary and Kelly had gotten quite roughed up. He supposed that that's just what happened when a three story building collapsed and you barely make it out before a hundred thousand tons of building materials falls on you. Either way, it was rough, and he just needed Matt.

 

 

 **3:37 AM:**     _"I can't sleep not knowing where you are or if you're okay."_

 

 

Kelly sat on the edge of his bunk, trying to deal with this constant state of worry and stress he'd been struggling with. His insides, especially his heart and his stomach seemed to be convulsing, all the anxious anguish was making him want to just curl up, sleep, and never wake up.

 

 

 **4:23 AM:**       _"Please be home when I get back from shift, I need you."_

 

 

Kelly wanted to stop feeling everything. He wanted his boy back, he wanted to know the man was safe and he wanted to hold him in his arms so he could just _feel_   like everything was okay. He needed the blonde more than anything.

**5:58 AM:**   _"I love you, Matthew Casey."_

_"I need my Matty boy, I need him."_ Kelly kept repeating it to himself under his breath like a mantra, as if it was going to make the blonde suddenly appear. "Matty, I need my Ma-" Kelly's voice cracked, he broke down in silent sobs and his breathing rapidly quickened, "My-m-my.. My M-m-matt." Kelly's breathing hitched and his knees fell to the ground, his sobs got caught in the back of his throat as he tried to breath through the overwhelming weight that was on his heart. "Matty, M-ma-matty.. Ne-need m-m-my Mat-t-ty." 


	25. Motion and Rest

_"You don't deserve this Sev, I'm a wreck."_

_"Wha-"_

_"No, listen. I'm leaving... For real this time.. I have to, I- need to. I can't keep hurting you. It's killing me to hurt you... You're better off with someone else, Sevy. Really, you are." Matt sighed, tears brimming his eyes as he stood, "Trust me." His voice quivered as he started backing away from the bed._

_Trust me._

Matt left, walking straight out the door and to his truck. He thought he was strong enough to do this, to cut himself off and save Kelly. Matt thought he knew what he was doing, but that wasn't necessarily true anymore, because as soon as he was on his way, he was already riddled with anxiety. He simply drove and drove and drove, no particular direction in mind, until his fuel light came on. Matt scrounged around his truck, used what little cash he had found in the glovebox to get some gas, and then he just sat in his truck for a long while. He'd got a few texts from Kelly, but he hadn't looked at them, mostly because he was worried that he wouldn't be able to say no if Kelly asked him to come back.

After a long while, Matt stumbled into his old stomping grounds, parking in front of his old apartment. He critically stared at it for a lengthy amount of time, maybe he should have just toughened up and stayed there the fuck there. Perhaps things wouldn't have gotten so far, maybe he wouldn't have gotten so attached to Kelly and vice versa. It would have been easier to keep it all to himself, suffer in silence. He should've... Hell, what was he doing. It's not like he could go back and change it.

 _Matt felt guilty_ , that's why he was thinking about it. He felt guilty for dragging the dark-haired lieutenant into all of _this_.

The blonde left, he couldn't bear staring at that repulsive place anymore, that apartment filled with dreadful memories, he sped out of there and drove into town, somewhere he could go where it was impossible to feel alone. He wondered where the hell he should go, what he should do. He needed to get all of this figured out, he'd have to get back home and grab his stuff at some point.

_Home._

_His home, that place, that person._

_Kelly's arms_ _were_ _his home_ , that's where he _belonged_.

Except he shouldn't let himself stay at home any longer, it was dangerous. Because what if he just ended up hurting Kelly more? He didn't want to, but it seemed like something that Matt was just good at these days.

Matt pulled into the back of a large parking lot that had barely any vacancy. He turned off his truck and looked down at his quavering hands. He was shaking and was unsure why, could've been because of the emotional stress, or because of the frigid temperatures.

Matt spent the night in his truck, huddled up in Kelly's old academy sweater that he'd found sitting on the backseat. He tried to keep warm despite temperatures that swung far below freezing, creating a thick layer of frost on all his windows. He turned the truck on every now and then to let it heat up, turning it back off after a minute to conserve what little gas he had left. He didn't sleep much throughout the night, maybe forty-five minutes altogether, and his head was killing him. His agonizing headache may have been from all the thinking he'd been doing, or maybe from the cold, or maybe from a combination of everything. Either way, he was in pain and he was so unsure about everything now.

At least Kelly always knew what to do, he was someone Matt could always turn to if he needed help figuring something out. Yet, now that he was trying to get Kelly out of his problems, he had no one and nothing to really turn to.

It was about 4am when Matt couldn't take it anymore and started driving again. He decided to go down one of the more scenic routes in Chicago, a long windy road that not many people actually knew about. There were snow-covered trees on either side of the road and he stayed on it for a long while, his mind somewhere else. Thinking about everything, mulling over the situation, trying to figure out where to go, what he was gonna do... 

Matt was pulled from his thoughts when he noticed a tree down on the road ahead. He slowed down, initially thinking he could move it with his bare hands, but once he got closer, he realized it was a lot bigger than it had looked. Matt sighed deeply, so broken, so numb that he didn't even care. He looked around with his weary eyes, the dawn light starting to spread a glow onto his surroundings, making it possible to see. 

He spotted an old logging road just to his right, and since he was tired of caring, he didn't bother wasting any of his brain function on that decision. Instead, without giving it a second thought, Matt just drove straight onto it. It was a little less refined than the paved road he'd been on, but it was drivable. He'd driven a few miles in, when he decided to stop briefly to relive his bladder. Plus, he was beginning to lose feeling in his legs and feet because they were falling asleep, so he decided he needed to get up and moving. 

Matt stepped out of the truck, the sun wasn't even fully up yet. He braced himself against the chilly wind and put one foot in front of the other, just like he'd done his whole life. The snow crunched loudly beneath his feet, reminding him of the walk him and Kelly had taken last week. It was a short walk, just around their neighbourhood, but it was full of so many happy smiles and giggles. Casey had underdressed a bit for the temperature, so just after the first shiver, Kelly had given him the coat right off his back, leaving himself in the academy hoodie that Matt was currently wearing as he walked alone.

They'd even held hands for a short period of time, nobody else was out walking because it was late and cold. Plus, at least ninety percent of the neighbourhood population was over seventy years old and they didn't do a whole lot besides bickering and having unvoiced gardening competitions between themselves.

Matt looked around at the dawn glow all around him, his first instinct was to take a picture and send it to Kelly so that he could share the view of the trees with the rays of sun budding from just behind. He almost did so, went as far as pulling out his phone, which he hadn't even looked at since he left. There were a lot of texts on his phone, all from the other lieutenant. Kelly was obviously very worried about him, but he wasn't sure why, the other man shouldn't just forgive him. Matt had just left him with barely a word, and yet here were all these texts. 

_He cared._

Casey tried to send a text back, tell him, _"I'm okay."_ Just a simple something, so that the other man would stop worrying.

Just as he was about to hit send, his phone died and maybe his text did go through, but he was pretty sure it hadn't. Casey ran to the truck and searched desperately for a charge cord. He essentially ransacked his own truck trying to find one, but of course he'd been a stupid idiot and forgot to take anything on his way out. A few other things he was lacking, his wallet, money, and a coat; it was freezing cold out.

Matt was beginning to get a little emotional, everything was going so terribly wrong. Why did trouble seem to be following Matt around like a lost puppy? Matt slammed the door of his truck closed and threw his phone at the floor mat on the passenger side. In his frustration, he began to hit steering wheel with his free arm, accidentally honking the horn. Somehow punching wasn't alleviating his stress or making him feel better. Matt's exhausted body went limp against the driver seat, he felt tears spring to his eyes as the numbness began slipping away, soon being replaced by all the emotions his mind had been hiding from him.

His eyes brimmed with tears, but he tried like hell to keep them from falling, he hated feeling  weak, especially when no one was there to hold them. Specifically Kelly. Kelly wasn't there to comfort him or tell him it was going to be okay, in fact, he was quite literally alone. Matt switched the truck into drive, choking back a sob that threatened it's way forward. His foot weighed heavy on the accelerator and he sped further through the logging road. Matt wasn't really driving with his brain, instead, he was letting his emotions control his actions.

Matt carried on for a while, and it all went smoothly, all things considering. That is, until the tribulations of his thoughts took over. He began thinking of Kelly, why did he ever leave? Why did he think he could do this alone? Matt cried out in anguish, tears began flowing like a stream down his eyes affecting his vision to the point where he just didn't see that _deer._ Matt, bless his heart, swerved to avoid the poor animal, tried to go around it. 

The thing is though, once you lose traction on a snow-covered, gravel road, it's quite difficult to get it back. In Matt's situation, especially with all the extra things going on in his head, with one arm in a sling, it was plainly impossible. His truck succumbed to the g-force of the drift. 

_An object in motion tends to stay in motion._

Matt's truck hit a deep rut and suddenly launched into the air, flipping end over end. Powdery snow flew into the air as each point of contact ruthlessly disrupted it from it's peaceful sleep on the ground. Matt's instincts took over, his eyelid glued themselves shut and inside his stomach was flipping faster than his vehicle. The world around him was spinning faster than his brain could compute and his head and shoulder throbbed in pain with every impact the truck made with the ground. It kept rolling, probably at least six times before a tree stopped the crumpled up ball of metal in it's tracks. The sound that filled the air was gut-wrenching, it was that peculiar silence breaking, that quiet forest being disrupted by the crashing and crunching of windows and steel, all to be stopped by a deep thud.

Matt groaned in pain as his body screeched to a stop, the edge of his seatbelt searing his neck, drawing blood. The truck had landed upside down, and with it, came silence. Everything was quiet save for the ringing in Matt's ears, and the shift of glass beneath his body as he tried to move. Matt, who was hanging upside down, began to breathe in and out quickly, pain coursing everywhere as his free arm traveled across his body to unclip his seatbelt. His body landed with a thud on what used to be the ceiling of his beloved truck. Matt gritted his teeth as he army crawled out of the window, glass crunching beneath him as he tried to breathe through the pain that every movement made. 

He painstakingly inched away from the vehicle and looked back at the smashed up truck, amazed he had survived at all. Matt also noticed the trail of blood where he had crawled. Was he bleeding? Matt glanced over his body, which was still running full of adrenaline, although he could feel that beginning to wear off. That's when Matt noticed the dizzying amount of blood trickling out of his body in different spots. Matt's head fell back into the snow as the world around him started to fade. He was losing a lot of blood, fast. His phone was dead, he had no way to contact anyone, and he was too far from the main road to walk. 

All these problems that needed to be solved in order to survive, yet all he could think about was Kelly. They say before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes, maybe that's why. Because right now, Matt felt like he was dying, it felt like his body was giving up. All he could think about was Kelly, and maybe that's because he was the one thing in this world he truly wanted to live for. Matt was kicking himself for not seeing that sooner. He was also mentally ripping himself to shreds because he know Kelly would probably think this was all his fault, which it wasn't. Matt cried silently as he pictured Kelly finding out what had happened, never knowing exactly what he'd meant to Matt.

Matt took a wheezy breath in as he lay in the snow, the cold a comfort to his wounds. It's funny, his depression, it's done a lot of things in his life. It's made him want to hurt himself, do some stupid things, and it's even gave him the urge to really end it all. Yet here he was, lying in the snow, tears running down his blood smeared face, with a sudden realization. 

He didn't want to die.

Matt really did not want to die. He didn't want to leave Kelly, he wanted to survive this and figure it out, he wanted to say sorry to Kelly and he wanted to tell that man that he fucking loved him. Because he did, he had for a long time already, but he'd hadn't told Kelly yet because it wasn't something he took lightly. There wasn't a lot of people Matt had ever said that to, in fact he couldn't remember the last time he'd actually voiced it aloud. But now, Matt wanted more than anything to tell that to Kelly and it was possible that he might never get the chance to because he was started to see stars and his body was telling him he didn't have much time left.

Matt was scared. Terrified, in fact. He didn't want to die anymore, but that's what was happening to him. His body lie in the snow, bleeding out and why had he ever left. "Help." Matt uttered, surprising himself with how small and weak his voice was, barely about a whisper. He cried harder, wishing more than anything that somehow he was nestled in Kelly's warm arms, the one place where he always felt safe. Matt's eyes pulled themselves closed, his breathing started to become shallow. _This was it._ The world was slipping away, and Matt faded into unconsciousness.

_An object at rest tends to stay at rest._


	26. Twisted pictures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3

Finally finished of his shift, all Kelly could think about was Matt.

He _had_ to be home.

Matt _had_ to be home.

It'd been nearly two days now without a word from him. Kelly decided to himself that Matt had to be home because how could he stay away from Kelly longer than that?

Severide had kept up his strong front as he left the firehouse but the minute he got into his car he immediately lost his cool. His breathing quickened along with his heart rate as he turned the key in the ignition. He sped home and immediately pulled into the driveway.

Kelly's heart sunk. Matt's truck wasn't home.

The dark-haired lieutenant hadn't lost hope yet though. Maybe the man was inside already! Perhaps he'd just run out of gas, or he'd taken a cab home because he had drank, or he wasn't in a fit condition to be driving. That had to be it! Kelly ran to the front door. Matt had to be home. Kelly was grinning, his face lit up, because Matt had to be home. Kelly tried the door, it was locked, but maybe Matt had already come home yesterday and he had locked the door for the night. Kelly's smile didn't diminish as he unlocked the door with shaky hands, he couldn't wait to see his boy. Kelly dropped his key twice before he could manage to get the frigging lock undone, and then he burst through the door.

"Matt!" He called, that goofy ear to ear grin still on his face, he was so excited to see his boy. "Matty? I'm home!"

Maybe he was sleeping? Kelly ran to their bedroom, but the blonde-haired man wasn't there. In fact, it didn't look like anyone had been in it, except of course for Kelly who had royally fucked up all the bedsheets during his night of sleepless tossing and turning.

It was possible he'd crashed in the spare bedroom, so Kelly checked there next. "Matty?" He asked to open air as he swung open the spare room door, "You here?" His voice was small.

Kelly decided to check the shower next, _surely_ he would be there then. With excitement, Kelly ran to the bathroom and flung open the door. "Matt?"

The bathroom was empty too, as was the rest of the house. Kelly's happy grin faded as the realization slipped over him. A long disappointed sigh left his lips, he'd really thought that Matt would come back to him. He really thought that he wouldn't have to step back into an empty house. _Damnit_. Kelly determinedly tried to hold back the burst of emotion that slowly trickled into his system.

Silent tears were falling down his face, he linked his hands behind his head and began pacing up and down the hall. He had to call the police, this wasn't like Matt. Kelly was sure that he wouldn't have ignored him for nearly two days straight for no reason, he would have at least told Kelly he was okay and not to worry. Or maybe Kelly was just wrong and Matt wanted nothing to do with him, didn't even want to tell him where he was, anything at all. No, he wouldn't... Would he?

Suddenly, Kelly's pants started vibrating. Well, the phone in his pants, anyway. Kelly anxiously pulled his phone out, the last sliver of hope he was harbouring diminishing when he seen it wasn't Matt's contact shown up on the screen. He answered it nonetheless.

"Hello?" Kelly's voice was rough, dry almost.

A voice on the other end replied, "Hi. Is this Mr. Severide?"

Kelly nodded, then a second later, when he realized the lady calling probably couldn't hear that, began to speak. "Yeah."

"My name is Carol, I'm a nurse here at Med. We have you listed as Matthew Casey's emergency contact."

Kelly could have sworn his heart completely stopped for a minute, all he could hear was the gentle static flowing into his ear. "What's happened?" Kelly's voice cracked, not even sure he wanted to hear the answer. Matt had done it hadn't he, he'd done something serious to himself. Kelly's mind was racing with thoughts, images.

"He's had an accident..." The nurse paused, "You should come as soon as you can."

Kelly's mouth hung agape as his head spun. "On my way." Kelly stated in a shaky voice, he was already fumbling with the front door.

 

**

 

Kelly was surprised he hadn't got a speeding ticket yet so far, he'd sure been speeding enough. The dark-haired lieutenant grabbed the parking spot closest to the door and sprinted inside the hospital. He skidded to a halt in front of the front desk, "Here for Matthew Casey." His voice wavered as he spoke.

The nurse sent him to the waiting room, assuring Kelly that the doctor would be out to see him as soon as he could. Kelly paced around the room, probably annoying the other people in the chairs that were also awaiting news - good or bad. Then again, they were so deep in their own minds that they didn't even notice how much the dark-haired lieutenant was breaking down. 

Severide had to discreetly wipe an escapee tear away as he watched a doctor approach the area. "Family of Casey?" The doctor announced, his eyes darting the room.

"Uh, me." Severide raised a hand slightly, "I'm his.. Emergency contact."

"Ah, if you'll follow me, we can talk somewhere more private." The doctor led Kelly not far away, to an empty, quiet hallway. 

Severide couldn't take it any longer, "What happened?"

"He's been in a car accident. He was found unconscious out in the middle of nowhere by a few snowmobilers, one of which was luckily an off-duty paramedic. He barely had a pulse or a resp rate when he came in.." The doctor explained, his hands shoved into the pockets of his scrubs. 

Severide suddenly felt like he couldn't swallow, breathe, anything. "How is he?"

"So far, we've managed to get Matthew stable, but he's not out of the woods yet." The doctor paused, rubbing a hand against the stubble on his chin. "You should know.. He has severe hypothermia. Along with a cerebral contusion, which is causing swelling in his brain. Now, the cold was helping the swelling stay down, but now that we're warming him up... We are keeping a close eye on him, but Mr. Severide, if it swells too much he'll need surgery... In addition, he has a broken femur, and a broken collarbone both of which will require surgery, our Ortho team is trying to get that done now, while everything else is going on. We also noticed his sling and checked his records. His shoulder fracture- well, it broke some more and also needs surgery, but it can wait a short time while we deal with the rest. He's also littered with lacerations which we're still stitching up."

Kelly felt all the information hit him like a brick wall, and he wasn't really sure what to say. Other than, "Shit."

The doctor continued with Matt's current condition, "We're trying to get his temperature up to get rid of the hypothermia. He came in at a temp of barely 78 degrees, but we have him on warmed saline, and we have him on warmed humidified oxygen, so he's warming. I'll be honest, Mr. Severide, Matthew has a difficult road of recovery ahead of him, but I have good hopes."

"Okay.." Kelly was struggling to keep up his tough front, but he spurred on. "C-can I see him?

"Not yet, I'm afraid. He's still in surgery..." The doctor paused, "With some of the best surgeons in this state, you should know... Actually, I've got to get back as well, but I'll give you an update as soon as we can." The doctor seen how distraught the man in front of him was, and gave him a squeeze on the shoulder before scurrying back to the OR.

Kelly, at some point over the next minute, finally remembered to breathe. He took a long deep breathe but it didn't help, because all it did was bring on a fresh round of tears. His Matty, needing all those doctors fixing all those broken parts... Kelly should've been there more, done _something more._ Surely there had to be an obvious thing that Kelly should have done, should have said. Kelly felt like the wind was being knocked out of him and he fell back against the wall of the corridor, sliding down until he hit the ground. His eyes started welling up.  _His Matty, so broken._ The tears ran down the dark-haired lieutenants face as he placed his head in his hands, quiet sobs wracking his body. All alone in the hall, his heart beating in his ears as he did the only thing he could possibly do for his boy. Wait.

It was hours later before the emergency surgery was finally finished. Kelly had dragged himself back into the waiting room and collapsed into one of the chairs, his body half falling off, fists clutched by his temples. The doctor had to say Severide's name a couple of times before he jerked from his deep thoughts. 

"You alright, Mr. Severide?" The doctor knew that everybody dealt with worry in their own way, but in his experience, it never hurts to ask.

"Wha- Yeah, yeah I'm fine," Kelly murmured, sitting up straight in his chair, clearing his throat. "How's Matt??"

"He pulled through the surgeries, and he's currently being moved to the ICU."

"Can I see him now?" Kelly's voice was tense and a little shaky. 

The doctor nodded, "Yeah, of course, come with me."

When Kelly got to Matt's room, he wasn't sure what he'd expected, but there he was. A bandage wrapped around his head, his blonde hair sticking up any which way around it, his face pale. There was an oxygen mask on his face, and he looked peaceful, despite all the shit he'd gone through. Kelly didn't want to let his eyes leave Matt for a second, didn't want that boy to turn around and get more hurt. The doctor that had led the dark-haired man to the room, checked a few monitors but he left promptly after. And then suddenly Matt and Kelly were alone, and Kelly finally broke down. He wanted to be strong for the blonde, but he was having such a difficult time holding himself together. Plus, Matt was still unconscious anyways, so he wouldn't see any of this. He gripped Matt's hand tightly, rubbing circles on it with his thumb. He quickly wiped away the tear that was threatening to escape, he had never wanted to see Matt _so hurt_.

Kelly took in the gash on Matt's face, the one that started on the very left-most side of his forehead and disappeared into his hairline, skin pulled together with neat little stitches. Then suddenly the dark-haired lieutenant noticed the bruising and raw cut on Matt's neck, which was all to familiar, he'd seen many in his day from car accidents. A seatbelt burn. At least, Kelly admitted to himself, _at least_ Matt had worn his seatbelt. 

Matt's leg was stabilized in a leg immobilizer; the surgeon had placed an intramedullary nail in the femur bone, and the brace was there to support the leg and keep it stable. The blonde's scapula was now full of hardware as well, plates and screws that were nearly the only thing holding the shoulder together. He thankfully received a new sling for the shoulder because his previous one was now blood-covered and grimy. Matt also scored a pin in his broken collarbone because the ends of the bone were so out of place. Silver lining: Both his scapula break and clavicle break were on his right side, so he only had to wear one sling.

Kelly slowly ran his fingertips across the black brace on Matt's leg, his hand traveling upward, against the man's bare stomach and shoulder, working it's way to his arm, stopping at the multitude of cuts and bruises on his forearm. Kelly's tear ducts had long since run dry and he was running on little to no sleep, but he was so happy that his boy was safe. Well, maybe 'safe' was a bit of a weird word to use. Like the doctors had told him, Matt still wasn't completely out of the woods. He could still develop serious complications from all the trauma, not to mention the brain contusion, hell - even the hypothermia, he'd been out there for a long-ass time.

Nonetheless, Kelly sat there right beside Matt and vowed he's never let anything like this happen again. The blonde was strong, he was a fighter, but all these monitors, all these injuries, it was a lot. Kelly was unable to rest, unable to do anything besides watch Matt like a hawk, hoping to hell that he'd just wake up.

Suddenly the door opened and a lady in a white coat walked into the room. "Hello," She said, her eyes bright and a smile on her lips as she greeted Kelly, "I was one of the doctors who was in surgery with Matthew."

"Hi." Kelly replied, reaching his hand out to shake the doctor's hand. "I'm Kelly Severide."

"Nice to meet you," She beamed, before going on to check out Matt's vitals.

Kelly sat there until she was done of whatever it was that she was doing, rubbing his hands together anxiously. "When will he wake up?"

The doctor turned to him, and with a little hesitation, replied. "With hypothermia as bad as Mr. Casey's, there a great risk of complications during recovery such as heart arrhythmias, ventricular fibrillation, or cardiac arrest. We just need to keep a good eye on him."

Kelly nodded slowly, trying to let everything soak in. "Will he be awake soon?"

"We hope so, the anesthetic should be beginning to wear off soon.. But some of the symptoms of a cerebral contusion can be sleepiness and loss of consciousness," The doctor asked, glancing at Kelly's face for a moment, seeing the worry. "We have to be ready for that..." She paused for a moment, studying Kelly. "Are you doing alright? You look exhausted."

"I'm a firefighter, long shift." It wasn't entirely a lie, but perhaps a little bit of skewed truth. Of course he wasn't alright, his boy was in what seemed to be some kind of coma and he didn't even know if he'd wake up. Though, that was more so the pessimistic side of him, deep down inside, Kelly knew that Matt was way too stubborn to die. Even still, the thought itself of Matt not waking up, worried him.

The doctor nodded, "Ahh, I see. Well, perhaps you should get some rest while Mr. Casey is asleep, looks like you could use it." 

Kelly smiled softly and nodded, a silent thank you to the doctor for her words. She left the room soon after she finished the last few things she had to do, leaving Matt and Kelly to be on their own once again.

Kelly sighed quietly and turned a bit in the chair so he could face the blonde. He reached out his hand and grabbed Matt's. It wasn't as warm as Kelly's hand, but from everything he had heard, it sounded like he was a lot warmer than he had been when he was initially brought to the hospital.

The seconds that passed felt like minutes as he waited and waited for Matt to wake up. Doctors and nurses were in and out of Matt's room so often, that Kelly wasn't even noticing the sound of the door opening anymore. He just stayed there, not letting go of Matt's hand, willing him to wake up.

Visiting hours were beginning to draw to a close, but Kelly did not want to leave. He stayed there as long as he could until he was basically kicked out by Matt's doctor. "You can come back first thing in the morning, Kelly." She said kindly, a hand resting on the dark-haired lieutenant's shoulder. "Go home, have a shower, get some sleep. If anything changes in regard's to Matthew's condition, I'll make sure you're notified."

Kelly left reluctantly, he was exhausted and he couldn't bear the thought of leaving Matt behind. He didn't want the man to have to have to be alone again, not ever, but here he was exiting the doors of the hospital. The blonde-haired lieutenant was unaccompanied and he would be by himself all night, at least, until Kelly could get back first thing in the morning.

Kelly did as the doctor had suggested. As soon as he arrived back at his house, he pulled the clothes off his weary body, leaving them in a heap on the bathroom floor. He twisted the knob in the shower, turning the water on and stepping in after it had warmed up. Kelly let the water cascade over his body, trying to let it wash away all the worry and stress that had gotten jumbled into his weary muscles. He didn't stay in there long, especially once he heard his phone start vibrating on the floor just outside the shower. Kelly eagerly jumped out and picked it up, not caring that he was dripping water everywhere.

"Hello??" The number didn't look familiar but he figured it was the hospital, it had to be. Matt had probably finally woken up and they were going to tell him that he's be okay.

"Hello, Lenny's Carpet Warehouse here, this is an automated call to let you know you are eligible for a chance to win 40% off-."

Kelly listened to the automated message for a few seconds before hanging up the call. Screw the hell out of Lenny. His hopes destroyed once again, Kelly slowly set him phone on the countertop and grabbed a towel to dry himself off. He neglected to wipe the floor up, because really, that hardly mattered to him right now. He threw on some underwear, a well fitting pair of joggers, not bothering with a shirt, because who the hell needs a shirt when your best friend's in the hospital? Kelly paused for a second and grabbed one of Matt's t-shirt out of the drawer though, not to wear, but simply to hold and feel and - at least it was _something_. Kelly put it up to his face as he walked over to his bed, closing his eyes and taking a deep inhale. It smelled like him, that familiar scent. It was all Matt.

Kelly collapsed into bed, curling up and holding the shirt close to his face, not letting go. He was exhausted, his body was not happy about being awake for two and a half days straight. He hadn't had to be alone in his bed for quite a while, and he had a hard time being alone now. Kelly had grown to love having someone to hold, someone to fall asleep beside, someone to wake up next to. A tear rolled down his cheek into the soft shirt that he was pressing against his head, a symbol of the pain he was carrying. However, tears there may be, Kelly was too damn tired to cry, to sob, to weep with his whole body. He wanted to, had that urge to do it, but his body was ready to crash. After some time, Kelly finally passed out, but his sleep was anything but peaceful.

 

**

 

The next day, Kelly was there promptly as visiting hours started, and he wasted no time getting to Matt's room. His doctor informed him that, no, Matt hadn't awakened yet. But that okay, Kelly was just glad that his strong boy had pulled through the night. The next eleven days consisted of a similar routine, Kelly got there as soon as he was allowed to come in the morning, and stayed until the last possible second. He'd go home, shower, sleep for a couple of hours and come right back. Of course, the days that he had to work were a little different, he wasn't able to see Matt until he finished his shift. Even then, he'd just go straight from the firehouse to the hospital to see Matt because by the end of those twenty-four hours, Kelly was just about dying to see the blonde.

Life seemed to drag on with the being blonde absent. Life without his best friend- it wasn't the same for Kelly. He missed that big smile, those little giggles that emitted so purely from deep within Matt's chest... He wished more than anything to be able feel the weight of the man resting against him, and just to be able to look into those sparkling blue eyes again...

All Kelly wanted was for Matt to wake up.


	27. Upswing

On the 12th day of Matt's hospital stay, just as the doctors were beginning to lose hope of Matt ever waking up. Yet Matt defied the odds.

When Matt woke up, it was to the beep of the monitor and warmth all around him. Matt tried to pull his eyes open but they were so heavy, he felt like he hadn't slept in ages. For a moment he had no idea where he was or how he'd gotten here, he felt disoriented to the point of wondering if he was dreaming. As he lay there, some things started coming back to him but he was still lost, he didn't even know where he was or why.

He squinted as he used a great amount of what little energy he had to peel open his eyes. It was dark around him, it was night time. His pupils dilated to take in more light, and they darted around the room. As far as he could tell, he was alone. It was quiet, despite the beeping of the heart monitor and his thoughts, which were now wildly swirling around him.

And then just as suddenly as he'd awoken, Matt fell asleep once again. The short moment of being awake exhausted him and he couldn't hold those eyes open anymore. A few hours later, when early morning set in, he vaguely heard the doctors doing rounds and the nurses fussing with his lines a little. Matt laid quiet and still as he simply listened to the warbling voices, too worn out to do anything else.

It was not too long after the jumble of people had left that Matt heard another voice, this voice seemed more familiar, but Matt couldn't quite place it. 

"I had another rough sleep again last night, I miss having you around." The voice mumbled quietly. A hand was gripping Matt's left one gently, swirling circles with the tip of it's finger. It felt nice. "It's been almost two weeks since your accident.. Since I've heard your voice.. Since we've kissed."

 _Accident?_   Matt thought to himself. _He'd been in an accident?_

"I miss you, Matty. Please come back to me."

 _Matty._ That was his name. Well - Matthew Casey, that's who he really was. And there was only one person in the entire world who called him Matty. 

"Kel?" Matt croaked out, his throat and mouth dry as a desert. His eyes fluttered open for the second time that day.

Kelly looked over to him in stunned surprise and stood up, "Matt?" 

"Hi." Matt's smile was small because it was all he could manage for now, but it made Kelly's heart burst nonetheless.

"You-you're awake!" Kelly's excitement was clearly evident, his big cheeky grin and his happy tone. His hands immediately shot towards Matt's cheeks, gently cupping them between his warm hands.

Matt sighed happily, wincing slightly as he shifted his body a little, "I feel... like.. I've been.. hit.. by a bus.."

Kelly's hand dropped to the blonde's shoulder, rubbing it ever so gently, "I don't doubt it.. You're a little broken, baby."

"What.. ever." Matt grinned, a tiny sparkle in his eye.

Kelly shook his head endearingly, not believing his boy was really awake. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired... Sore..." The blonde yawned softly, leaning into Kelly's touch.

"Are you in a lot of pain?" Kelly asked in concern, "I should probably go tell your doctor that you're awake anyways.. I'll be back in a minute okay?"

Matt nodded, little smirk playing on his lips, "One minute... I'm counting."

Kelly giggled, leaning down to place a lingering kiss on Matt's forehead. 

"Fifty-nine.. Fifty-eight.. Fifty-seven.."

Kelly pulled back and laughed as he walked away, not being able to help but look back at the man in the bed, savouring the image of his dimpled smile.

Of course, the doctors were very relieved that Matt was now awake, and even happier to find out that there didn't seem to be any lingering brain damage.

"When can I go home?" That was Matt's first question to the doctors. Kelly could tell that he didn't exactly feel to comfortable being in the hospital. He knew Matt would have an easier time being back in his own bed... _Their_ own bed. 

It had gotten to the point where Kelly had started sleeping on the couch because he just couldn't deal with sleeping alone in the bed where Matt was _supposed_ to be. Hopefully, Kelly thought, things could be different now.

 

**

 

When they were finally able to go home, two days later, it was with Matt in a wheelchair. He couldn't walk quite yet because of his leg, but neither could he use crutches considering his broken shoulder blade and collarbone. Matt had to settle for being pushed around humiliatingly, helplessly, but he couldn't complain either. It could have been worse, and he did sort of bring this upon himself, he supposed.

Kelly, with a big grin on his face, wheeled Matt into the house. helping him remove his hat and jacket, as well as his shoes. "I'm so glad you're home." The dark-haired lieutenant said softly, his voice gentle, low.

"Me too." Matt murmured as he watched Kelly hang up their stuff in the closet. After a moment, "Are we going to talk about it?"

Kelly knew Matt was referring to the events that had caused all of this in the first place. That fight, when Matt had walked out. "Do you want to?"

The blonde looked up and searched Kelly's eyes carefully, "Maybe?... Yes?"

"Okay," Kelly peered expectantly at Casey,  he knew that the blonde wanted to say something, it was just a matter of Matt figuring out how he wanted to chain his words together. 

Matt sighed, his face reflecting how deep in thought he was, "I don't know... I'm sorry. It was stupid I shouldn't have.. I didn't want to..."

"Then why did you?" That's the one question that had kept coming back to Severide, why had Matt left him?

A blush crept up Matt's neck, "You really want to know?"

"Yeah." Kelly nodded eagerly.

"I left because I care about you." Matt was trying to find a way to put his feelings into words, "I was.. I was like a bomb.."

Confused, Kelly scratched the back of his head for a moment, "A bomb?" 

"Yeah.. And when I exploded and blew up, I didn't want you to get hurt... But I guess I ended up hurting you anyways."

Kelly tried his best to understand what Matt was attempting to explain to him, "So you blew up? Like.. A bomb?"

Matt shook his head, "No, I thought I was going to."

"But you didn't." Kelly was beginning to catch on.

Another shake of blonde hair, "Something changed."

"Oh?" Kelly looked at Matt earnestly.

"After I crashed my truck, I realized that I wanted to live. I wanted to have a life. I wanted to survive, Sevy... Who knew." Matt grinned happily, watching as Kelly's face light up. 

"So you..." Kelly was bewildered at best.

Matt looked up sheepishly, "Kelly... I'm not saying I'm magically cured.. But I feel like this is a step in the right direction."

"Matt.." Kelly was very happy, this was good news. Fantastic news even. "This is, this is great."

"You're great." Matt sighed happily, taking a few moments to look at Kelly, admiring his bright eyes and beaming smile, "Now, I need to figure out how to wheel myself around with one hand." The blonde continued, looking unsure as he tried to do so, failing completely.

"No you don't." Kelly lips turned upwards, "That's what I'm here for."

The blonde sighed softly, "You don't have to-"

"Matt," Kelly knelt down in front of the wheelchair, "When are you ever going to get it? I know I don't have to be doing things for you or helping you, but I _want_ to. I want to be there for you, and do anything and everything that you could ever need or want...  I want to make you food, I want to hang out with you... Oh, and you know what else I wanna do?.. I want to push you around in your new hot rod," Kelly was grinning as he motioned to the wheelchair, "I want to help you, Matt. In the bad times and the good times. Not because I have to, I promise this isn't out of obligation or anything, I really just- .. I want to." 

Matt had a tear running down his cheek by this point, a happy one. "Kelly damn Severide," The blonde was gazing contentedly at the darker-haired man, "I love you."

Kelly's eyes widened, he'd been waiting to hear those words for a long while. "Matty." He smiled tenderly as he leaned up to Matt's lips, planting his own against them in a delicate manner. Matt curled his uninjured arm around Kelly's neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss. He moaned softly as Kelly threaded his fingers into Matt's hair, which was getting close to needing a trim.

"Maybe we should uh-" Kelly mumbled against the other man's lips, "Move this to the bedroom?"

Matt turned his head away, laughing silently, "Don't think there's a single universe in which you can push my wheelchair into our room in any sort of seductive manner, Sevy."

"Watch me." Kelly replied with a smirk, standing up and pulling the wheelchair into their room, his eyes never leaving Matt's, their blue eyes dancing with lust and need. They reached the edge of the bed and Kelly leaned over, his lips gravitating to Matt's once again, like two magnets with a force that couldn't be separated. "Put your arm around my neck," Kelly's voice was low. Matt did as he was told, and next thing he new, he was being lifted out of his chair. Matt wrapped his one good leg around Kelly's waist as the dark-haired lieutenant held him tightly. He gingerly set Matt down in bed, wasting no time in pulling off Matt's loose sweatpants, the only thing that fit over his brace. 

"Ahh!" Matt cried out in pain, as his free arm shot toward his shoulder.

Kelly was immediately frozen as he tried to figure out what had caused Matt's pain, "Baby?" 

"It's- unnnggh.. I'm okay." He choked out through gritted teeth, his eyelids clenched shut.

"No you're not." Kelly's expression was grim, "What's wrong, Matt?"

"Just moved the wrong way, I'm sorry." Matt apologized profusely, his voice shaky as pain shocked his system.

"No, don't be sorry." Kelly soothed softly, pushing Matt's hair back tenderly, "It's okay, just breath. Deep breaths." 

He listened as Matt's breathing steadily, albeit slowly, returned to a bit more of a normal rate. Kelly leaned down and began leaving light fluttery kisses all over Matt's collarbone, the source of the pain. "Hospital?" Kelly whispered against soft skin. 

"No. Just need.. " Matt paused and he took in a sharp breath, his voice was quiet, barely audible, "..need a sec."

"Take all the time in the world, I'm not going anywhere." Kelly's voice, Matt had to admit, was quite calming and made him quiet down a bit.

Matt's face was guarded as he tried to compartmentalize the pain, he tried to breathe slowly. "I don't know if I-.."

"It's okay, we don't need to do anything right now." Kelly asked carefully, his hand pushing back the blonde's hair. "Want me to grab you some of those painkillers the doctors gave you?"

"N-no." Matt shook his head.

Kelly was surprised at the answer, "But you're hurting."

Matt shrugged, wincing heavily as he accidentally jostled his shoulder, "I'm fine."

"Matthew," Kelly began softly, "I've known you long enough to know when you're not fine."

"I just..." Matt sighed heavily, closing his eyes. 

The dark-haired lieutenant waited for Matt to continue. "...What if they mess me up? Like the alcohol did?"

"They won't, baby." Kelly hummed softly, "I'll make sure."

"Promise?"

Kelly nodded, a smile gracing his lips, "Damn right."

The blonde thought deeply for a minute, "Okay."

Kelly jumped out of bed and headed to the entryway, where he'd dropped the bags when they'd got home. He unzipped the pocket of Matt's backpack and retrieved the bottle of pills. He grabbed a glass of water on his way back to the bedroom. He helped Matt to sit up, and as soon as the pill went down Matt's throat, Kelly was rubbing the man's back gently. 

"You good?" Kelly questioned, nuzzling the side of Matt's face. 

Matt exhaled heavily, "Will be..."

"What can I do to help? Bath? Shower maybe?" 

"Sounds like a lot of work." Matt's voice was the definition of skeptical.

Kelly kissed Matt's cheek, "Let me do all the work, you just relax." He said as he pulled back, taking in Matt's weary figure. "I'm going to take your clothes off, okay?" 

Matt nodded weakly, his energy level very obviously depleted. Kelly carefully removed his loose t-shirt, having to take his sling off temporarily in order to do so, causing Matt to grimace. Matt was soon wearing nothing but his sling and his leg brace, and Kelly scooped him up in his arms. "Bath time!" The dark-haired lieutenant announced happily as he carried Matt into the bathroom, gently setting him down on the toilet lid before turning on the water for the bath.

"So, doc says not to get the brace wet, sooo..." Kelly began, his voice trailing off as he walked out of the bathroom. Matt heard him rummaging around in the kitchen, he looked up in amusement when the man returned. A grin on his face as he walked in with a big garbage bag in one had, a roll of duct tape in the other. "Alright, bare with me here," Kelly began with chuckle, kneeling down in front of Matt. The blonde entertained himself by watching Kelly attempt to seal the bag around Matt's brace with duct tape.

It was nearly seven minutes later by the time Kelly got it together, and by then, the bathtub was full of warm sudsy water. "Ready?" 

"As I'll ever be," Matt huffed out with sigh. 

Kelly reached a hand out to Matt, to help him up. Matt took it, balancing on his one good leg. "I might need some help getting in." Matt whispered sheepishly, a blush creeping up from his chest to his cheeks.

"Well I happen to be very skilled at such things." Kelly winked, wrapping his arms tightly around Matt's waist.

Matt was in the water a few moments later, his muscles immediately beginning to lose some of their tension. Kelly helped position his braced leg on the rim of the tub, before he took off his shirt so it wouldn't get wet as he got to work on bathing Matt.

He leaned closer to the blonde and cradled Matt's head in the crook of his elbow as he washed his hair. It was gentle and slow and tender, and it nearly put Matt to sleep. He kept supporting Matt's neck as he continued to wash the rest of the man's body, and by the time he was done, he definitely was asleep.

Kelly gently set Matt's head down on a towel at the back rim of the bathtub. He seemed peaceful, not in pain, happy. Kelly figured he could let Matt sleep a little longer, just relax. In the mean time, Kelly tiptoed out of the bathroom, leaving the door open so he could keep a steady eye on the other man. He went about silently cleaning up here and there, knowing he wouldn't want to leave Matt's side when he woke up. 

He prepared hot chocolate and some brownies he'd bought from the grocery store earlier in the week, setting them on the coffee table in the living room. Kelly proceed to close the curtains, dim the lights, and turn on the tv, finding a decent show to watch. Satisfied with his work, Kelly headed back to the bathroom. He knelt on floor next to the tub and watched as Matt slept soundly. Minutes passed as he admired the man, until he finally couldn't resist getting him up. He leaned over Matt, "Wakey wakey." Kelly whispered against Matt's forehead, planting his lips against the soft, warm skin.

Matt stirred a little, leaning into the touch. "Do I have to wake up now?" 

Kelly chuckled softly, "Yeah, but you can sleep again soon. Alright?"

"Okay.." Matt murmured, as Kelly pulled the stop out of the drain, letting the water escape. He pulled the biggest fluffiest towel off the shelf and prepped it for use, unfolding it and setting it on the counter.

"Alright, boss. Let's get you up." Kelly spoke with a grin, unbelievably happy to have his boy back. Matt returned the smile and reached up a hand so Kelly could help pull him up. He stood on his good leg, using Kelly's arms to stead himself. Kelly reached behind him and grabbed the towel, wrapping it around Matt's back and shoulders. He lifted Matt over the edge of the bathtub, scooping him into his arms and carting him into the bedroom. He pulled the bedsheets back and set Matt down on the mattress gently, before beginning the process of drying him. He began at Matt legs, drying the plastic, before removing it carefully and continuing to move upwards until Matt's body was dry. The blonde sat up on the edge of the bed as Kelly began to help him get into some boxers. "Can we do just underwear for now?.." Matt requested sheepishly, "Anything else hurts too much."

"Yeah of course." Kelly smiled genuinely, as if it was no big deal. Which it wasn't, but it embarrassed Matt that he was so weak, so unable to handle the pain or to fend for himself. At the same time, just letting himself be helped, be taken care of, it was nice. But he wasn't sure he'd feel the same way about it if it was literally anyone else doing it.

"Let's just get that wet sling off and put one of your dry ones on though." Kelly suggested, looking at the blonde cautiously, knowing the switch would be anything but pleasant.

Matt stared into Kelly's eyes, outwardly unimpressed. "Do I really have to?" He questioned, like a kid asking if he had to go to bed, if he couldn't just stay up a little longer.

"Afraid so." Kelly shrugged his shoulders, a little sympathetic smile on his face. 

"Uhhhh." Matt groaned, "Let's get this over with then." 

Kelly was slow and gentle, as well as fluid when it came to his actions with the sling. The way he supported Matt's arm where it was, not letting it move at all as removed the wet fabric, thoroughly drying the area, before replacing it with a soft, dry one. 

Kelly smirked knowingly, "Was that so bad?"

"Surprisingly no," Matt smiled wearily.

Kelly laughed heartily, "Surprisingly?" He exclaimed sarcastically, "Have a little faith, Matty."

Kelly gave Matt a fond look, staring into his eyes. Matt glanced right back, looking those blue orbs, that is, until Kelly dove in for a kiss. It was spontaneous and amazing, and everything that an impromptu kiss with a man like Kelly Severide could be. Matt's heart swirled around his stomach as he felt the man deepen the kiss, their lips clashing against each other's with the kind of energy they only experienced with each other. Kelly's hand was wrapping around the back of the other man's head, fingers threading through blonde hair. Matt was suddenly being pushed ever so gently backwards on the bed, Kelly hovering on top of him. Their excitements brushing against each other, letting both men know how happy their bodies were to be in close proximity like this again.

Kelly pulled back, panting against Matt's lips. "I'm sorry, I know you're not up for-"

Before he could continue his lips were taken by Matt's, he didn't want to keep talking about the things he couldn't do, instead, he wanted to focus on what he was able to do. And right now, Matt was able to kiss the hell out of the darker-haired man and show him exactly how he felt. Matt felt sharp pangs of pain coming from all over his sore, tender body, but now that he had the pain killers in his system, it was much better. They'd missed this, they'd craved this ever since the last time it had happened, which admittedly was far too long ago.

Kelly tried desperately to pull himself back away, "Please Matty, I don't want to hurt you." He pleaded quietly, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Pain is simply a construct of the human mind, Sevy." Matt was clenching his jaw, because the pain was getting worse already, but he didn't want to disappoint Kelly.

"Matthew Casey." Kelly pulled away from Matt and helped him sit up again, "I can see the pain in your eyes. I am so sorry, I shouldn't hav-"

"Sev." Matt interrupted, shaking his head. "Not on you, okay?"

Kelly heaved a sigh out, he knew there wasn't going to be any arguing with Matt about that, no matter how guilty Kelly felt. "Here," Kelly mumbled, unfolding the wheelchair, "Your chariot awaits." He did his best to present Matt with a believable smile, but on the inside, he was still kicking himself. 

Matt stumbled a little, but made it into the chair. Kelly wheeled him into the living room where the TV was still warbling on in the background, the scent of warm hot chocolate making it's way pleasantly to Matt's nose. Kelly helped him as best he could to switch onto the couch, propping his bad leg up on the coffee table to alleviate some of the pain. He took both delicious, chocolatey brownies in his hand and held one to Matt's mouth, waiting as he gingerly took a bite, before Kelly took a bite of his own. This continued until both sweet treats were devoured and it was onto the hot chocolate next. Kelly held the cup up to Matt's lips, letting him take a few sips as Kelly drank from his own mug. Matt was nearly back to sleep by the time both cups were empty and the TV was onto the next show. Kelly was hoping he would fall peacefully into a lovely slumber, but it was easy to tell Matt would have a hard time being able to do that.

Matt kept shifting where he sat, unable to find a comfortable position, every way he turned bringing on a new shock of pain. Kelly noticed Matt's restlessness, and wondered what he could do. "Want to head to bed for a while? Doctor says you need to have lots of rest, baby." Kelly suggested gently, turning to Matt.

Matt looked to his right, towards the dark-haired man. He thought about it for a moment before shrugging with his good shoulder and turning back to the TV. 

"C'mon, let's go have a nap together." Kelly was smiling with that cheeky grin of his and how the hell was Matt supposed to say no to a cute face like that?

"Alright, get my hot rod powered up." Matt chuckled quietly, shaking his head fondly.

"You got it, boss." Kelly affirmed with a happy nod, beaming as he helped Matt right back into the wheelchair, turning the TV off and carting the blonde off to their bed. The sheets were still pulled back, so it was just a matter of helping the man crawl onto the mattress, and covering him with the thick, fluffy comforter.

Matt laid out straight as a needle, it was most comfortable for him and his shoulder. He sighed heavily as he closed his eyes. "Sevy?" 

"Yeah?" Kelly asked as he got into bed on the empty side, shuffling as close as he could to Matt without jostling him. 

Matt was silent for a minute, his brows furrowed in confusion. Eventually he spoke, his voice quiet and smooth, "This might be a weird request.." He had an odd look on his face, one Kelly couldn't quite place.

"Try me." Kelly grinned, propping himself up on his elbow, looking down to the blue eyes that were now meeting his own. 

"Can you-..." Matt tilted his head, unsureness etched on his features, "Can you, like, just lay on top of me?" 

"That's not weird," Kelly grinned, relieved that Matt had felt open enough to ask. He crawled over Matt's body, being mindful of his injuries. Kelly gently let himself down, his chest against the blonde's, his hips and waist also settling right on top of his counterpart's. Kelly's two legs tangled with Matt's good one, the bad leg off to the side, safe and relaxed.

Matt breathed in the comforting feel of the full body pressure, the way it felt to be compressed. The blonde could practically feel the oxytocin releasing into his system. 

"Is this okay?" Kelly asked softly, his face nestled against Matt's neck on his uninjured side. 

"It's good." Matt sighed contentedly, aware slightly of the medication's effect on him, the way his body felt slightly less painful. He could vaguely feel Kelly's heart beating against both of their chest walls, a comforting little nugget that life sent their way. Maybe the world wasn't out to get Matt all the time. As the blonde took another deep inhale, his good arm wrapping around Kelly's bare back, he was unable to prevent himself from sleepily whispering, "I love you," To Severide for the second time today, for the second time ever. Because Matt just loved the way that sounded, he loved the way it rolled off his lips when he said it. Telling that handsome, perfect, thoughtful, amazing lieutenant how exactly he felt about him, there was just something so wholesome about it, something happy.

And Matt would take all the happy he could possibly get.


	28. Unwanted Solicitation

After some time, Kelly could tell by the other man's breathing that he was fast asleep. He slowly and gently slid off of Matt and stretched out his muscles. The dark-haired lieutenant smiled happily, glad his boy was asleep and resting easy. Kelly thought for a moment about what he should do. Of course, he wanted to get into bed beside Matt, gingerly thread their fingers together, and fall asleep with him. But the thing was, Kelly was afraid to jostle him, hurt him, or wake him up in any way.

It was a few minutes later by the time he decided that he should just hop in the shower right quick, let some hot water wash over him and reboot his system a little bit. As Kelly washed his hair, scrubbing his scalp roughly and letting the foam cascade down his body, he decided that maybe, just maybe, things were looking up for Matt. Maybe not in the physical sense currently, but mentally, the man just seemed more carefree, happier maybe.

Kelly finished his shower quickly, wrapping a towel loosely around his hips after he'd dried himself off roughly. He snuck into the bedroom, on the hunt for clothes. He pulled open one of the dresser drawers and pulled on a pair of black briefs. He opened a different drawer and was in the process of trying to pick something out to wear when he heard Matt sigh contentedly. 

"What are you doing all the way over there?" Matt asked softly, his voice a little raspy.

Kelly looked over his shoulder at the blonde, his eyebrow raised in amusement. "Uh, getting dressed?"

"What about if you, uh-" Matt paused, smiling widely, "Just _didn't_ do that."

"What if I didn't do _what_?" Kelly wondered aloud, a little smirk on his face.

"Don't get dressed!" Matt giggled in excitement, "Quick come under the covers, I'll warm you up."

Kelly laughed, enjoying this, enjoying those sparkling eyes. "I'm not cold."

"Kelly Severide get over here now." Matt was grinning, holding up the bedsheets as he waited patiently for the other man to join him. 

"Turned on much?" Kelly teased with a wink, holding up his hands in feigned surrender as he walked over to the bed. 

Matt snorted in amusement, "Hey, no, you're the horny teenager in this relationship."

"The horny teenager?" Kelly laughed. That deep, hearty laugh that the blonde couldn't get enough of. He crawled under the covers and hovered over Matt's body, leaning down to kiss his forehead before letting himself down on his side so he could look at Matt. 

Matt turned toward Kelly a little further, as much as his broken body would allow. "Yeah, you're like known as a womanizer, ya know? And I'm like an innocent angel."

Kelly was grinning, "But you're a guy, so I can't womanize you. And an angel? Really? Nah."

"I am an angel!" Matt insisted with his own little smile, pointing to his head, "Can you not see my halo?"

"It's not there." Kelly surmised with a smirk, "You must have been cast out of heaven for dating a womanizer."

"So we're dating now, huh?" Matt had this look on his face that Kelly couldn't quite place, something between happy, unsure, and nervous.

"Hmm..." Kelly grinned at him sheepishly for a moment, before deciding to straddle his waist. He did it gently, made sure not to let all of his weight down on Matt. One knee on either side of the man, his hands cupped that adorable face. Kelly leaned over until their faces were barely an inch apart, he searched the blue eyes for a moment. "Matthew, will you please do me the great honour of becoming my boyfriend?"

 Matt's lips parted slightly, taken aback by the question. "Kelly..." He breathed out, his eyes widening, his eyebrows raising in surprise and excitement.

Kelly just grinned that cheesy grin of his, waiting for Matt to think it over and make the decision on his own time. 

A second later, Matt's grin was nearly as big as Kelly's and he was nodding his head vigorously, "Hell yes."

Kelly leaned forward to capture Matt's lips with his own, letting the other man know just how happy he was to hear that. "Thank you." The dark-haired lieutenant grinned sheepishly. Not entirely sure if it was proper etiquette to thank someone after they accepted a dating offer, he'd never been this nervous to ask that question before. But he was glad he asked it, he was happy with how this was going. Kelly could honestly say, for the first time in what seemed like forever, that he'd found someone worth being nervous around. Someone worth taking a step forward with.

 

**

 

Moments of lazily lying in bed together passed quickly, and it wasn't long before Matt was getting tired again. "We need a few groceries, so I'm going to just step out for a little bit.. You should get some more sleep, Matty." Kelly said softly as he leaned down to leave a little kiss on Matt's nose.

"Mhmm," Matt was already dozing in and out of consciousness, but he managed to retain what Kelly was telling him. 

Kelly popped out to the kitchen for a moment, coming back quickly. "I'm put a glass of water and more painkillers on the nightstand, and your phone is right beside your hand, okay? Just call me if you need anything at all."

"Kay.." Matt murmured, his eyes fluttering open for a moment, "Can I have an extra blanket on?"

"Of course you can," Kelly nodded, grabbing a blanket from the closet and spreading it over Matt. "Anything else I can get for you before I go?"

"A goodbye kiss?" Matt grinned sleepily as he said it, apparently thinking he was the funniest person on the planet.

Kelly chuckled silently, "Wouldn't leave without one." He leaned down to the blonde, planting his lips against the other man's and letting them linger for a long few minutes. "Go to sleep now, love. Movie night and pizza tonight, deal?"

Matt nodded, a faint smile still on his lips despite how nearly asleep he was. "Hurry up.. I miss.. you alread..." Matt mumbled, his voice trailing off near the end of his sentence.

Kelly just smiled as he pulled the blankets to Matt's chin. He quickly grabbed a pair of pants and a shirt out of the open dresser drawer before he softly closed the door and left the room. Every fibre of Kelly's body was telling him to turn right back around and return to bed with the blonde, but unfortunately the fridge wouldn't fill itself.

 

**

 

Gabby stealthily watched from behind the bushes of the hedge. "Yes!" She exclaimed in a harsh whisper, as she watched Kelly's car pull out of the driveway and speed off in the direction of town. Gabriela made sure he was well gone, before hastily running to the front door. She knocked once, knocked twice, before deciding she had the right to turn the knob and let herself in. After all, Matt loved her and he'd want her to come and take care of him.

She'd just learned yesterday about Matt's accident and she wasted no time in rushing over. Of course, Kelly was there, and he'd made it very clear she wasn't allowed in his house. So she'd set up her things and proceeded to have her own little stakeout to wait for Severide to leave. Dawson's favourite tool was her binoculars, equipped with a night vision filter so she could keep a look out night or day.

As Gabby stepped inside, it was quiet. Nothing made a noise; the TV wasn't on, neither was the dishwasher or anything else. Just silence. She looked around in confusion, expecting to see Matt on the couch or perhaps the kitchen, somewhere. But alas, no-one was there. Slowly and steadily, Gabby ventured further and further into the house. She opened the bathroom door which lead to more silence, before checking out the spare bedroom. She opened Kelly's bedroom door as a last resort, definitely not expecting Matt to be lying there under the blankets.

She tiptoed into the room, slipping under the covers and essentially throwing herself onto Matt, who was fast asleep. The way she'd done it had jostled Matt's shoulder and he cried out in pain. 

"Shh! It's okay, baby! I'm here now, don't worry!" She purred into his ear, caressing his blonde hair with her slim fingers.

"Dawson?!" Matt exclaimed, his eyes tearing up because of his currently throbbing shoulder. "What the hell are you doing here?" 

Gabby put a finger to Matt's lips, effectively silencing him. "I'm here to take care of you. Be quiet now, you need your rest." 

The sight of Gabby in his and Kelly's bed was very off-putting and he wasn't surprised at the wave of nausea that came over him because of it. Gabby sat up and moved to straddle Matt's hips, "I know just what you need to feel better." Her voice was dripping with a poor attempt of seduction. Matt was scared out of his mind at what she was doing, he couldn't fight back, he was too weak. If she started doing things... Well who knows if he could stop her.

Gabby started grinding her hips against him and he had to fight to keep his breakfast inside of him. "Aw, baby, you like that?"

Matt was frozen in both pain in fear. His lungs seemed to shut down as the absolute agony of the pressure on his leg set in. He tried desperately to get some air, but all he could do was seize up in a shrouded panic. All he could think about was how much he needed Kelly right now, but he'd be gone for another couple hours. Matt was lost, he was scared, and he didn't know how the hell he was going to get through this one.

In a desperate attempt, Matt pushed Gabby away with his free arm. She stumbled to the side, just enough that Matt was able to pull himself out of bed and reach for his wheelchair. Gabby was too quick though, she shot off the bed and grabbed the wheelchair, pushing it far across the room. "Matt, no, no. You need to stay in bed. I'm going to go to the bathroom and put something fancy on," She winked, "I'll be right back, and then I'll be able to make you feel all better." 

A tear rolled down Matt's cheek. A muffled sob escaped from his lips and his hands shook as he reached for his phone. He quickly tapped Kelly's contact and pushed dial, hoping to hell he'd answer.


	29. Recalibration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a journey this story has become! Just wanted to let you guys know that there will be one more chapter after this one and then this big beastie of a fic will be drawing to a close. QA will always have a special place in my heart, as well as each and every one of your comments! Much love! xx

Kelly picked up on the second ring.

"Hey, love. You okay?" Kelly asked in concern, keeping his voice soft in case he'd just woken or something. He'd just entered the grocery store when he answered the phone, but as soon as he heard the way Matt was breathing, he was already running back to the car. Those shallow, rapid breaths, almost wheezy sounding. Matt was having a panic attack. "I'm coming home right now, okay?"

Matt didn't say anything, he couldn't. His body was shaking, and he couldn't move, or talk. He was paralyzed in fear.

"Talk to me." Kelly urged, worry evident in the way he spoke. "What's wrong?"

"S-she.. Sh-she-e's he-here.....It hur-hurts-s... Pl-plea-ease.. He-he-help..Sev-sevy help.."

"She? Who's _she_?" The dark-haired lieutenant's mind was running wild at this point. What was going on, why had he ever left? 

"G-Gab..." The line went dead after that, Kelly could only assume it was because Gabby had discovered the call and ended it. Kelly let his foot press down on the pedal a little more and sped up. Hell if Kelly was going to let Gabby be near his boy for much longer.

 

**

 

Meanwhile, back at the house, Gabby was yelling at Matt. Surprise, surprise. 

"WHY WOULD YOU CALL HIM?? I'M ALL YOU NEED!!! YOU NEED TO START RESPECTING ME!!"

Matt was still terrified and unable to speak. Gabby was now straddling his waist again, the weight sending pangs of pain throughout his body.

"TALK TO ME, YOU FUCKING BASTARD. I CAME HERE FOR YOU, THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS TALK TO ME."

Another tear rolled down Matt's face as she slapped him across the face.

"YOU COULD TALK TO SEVERIDE, YOU CAN TALK TO ME."

Matt was shaking as she yelled straight into his face. This couldn't be happening.

"Whatever.." She hissed savagely, "Anyways, time for me to make you feel better." She said, on the outside utterly disdained, on the inside however, she was completely smug.

Casey shook his head rapidly, as Gabby ripped off his boxers, another cry of pain exiting his raspy throat. He tried his best to pull himself away from her, but she was a clingy little leech. She wouldn't let go of the man, despite his obvious terror and lack of interest in her. Matt kicked her with his good leg, knocking her over. Matt pushed himself out of bed, wincing and letting out a sharp breath as his shoulder hit the ground. He gritted his teeth, using his good arm to pull himself across the floor. He was nearly to the bedroom door when he felt his ankle being gripped. His heart was pounding as Gabby yanked him away. At least she hadn't grabbed him by his broken leg, Matt was a little relieved by that.

Dawson towered over him as he curled up in the fetal position on the floor. His breathing was still rapid and shallow, and his system was riddled with anxiety. "Don't run away from me, baby." She cooed condescendingly, suddenly trying to sound sane again. "I'm just trying to help." 

Matt was covering his face with his good arm, trying to keep his cries of pain at bay. She grabbed him by both upper arms and jerked him upwards to a sitting position. Matt yelled out as strong surges of agony were sent from his shoulder and collarbone. He clenched his eyes shut and groaned as the aftermath of the searing jolt flooded through him. "Matt, baby, stop yelling." Gabby looked upset at him, "You'll make the neighbours think a murder's taking place." She laughed maniacally, before trailing off with a creepy smile on her face.

Matt was so far gone that he was beginning to return to that dark place he had hoped he'd never be in again. Gabby was now trying to get a hold of his flaccid member. "Not excited to see me?" She questioned with a dubious frown, "It's okay, that'll change soon." She began stroking him and throwing herself all over him, trying to kiss him. Matt was silently crying, tears upon tears running down his face. Matt avoided her lips as much as he could, trying to cover his mouth with his hand when he was able to. 

"Get the hell off of him." Kelly yelled out as he burst into the room.

Gabby grunted in annoyance, rolling her eyes. "Get the hell out, Severide."

Kelly pulled her off of Matt's body, pushing her away. She hit the wall with a thud, "UGH, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" She screamed as she ran towards Kelly and tried to claw at him.

 Kelly reflexes and his anger in that moment were enough to stop her. He grabbed her shoulders and lifted her up just slightly before throwing her down to the ground. Effectively body slamming her against the floor. "STOP." Kelly huffed, shaking his head in disbelief. As soon as he saw that Dawson was down for the count, he rushed to Matt's side.

"Babe, I'm here." Kelly said softly, soothingly. "You okay?"

Matt shook his head his voice quivering as he tried to speak, "N-no."

"I'm sorry," The dark-haired lieutenant whispered. Glancing to the side as Gabby began to come to. "I'm going to call the police, get her out of here, okay?" 

Matt nodded, tears still streaming down his face. He pointed to his boxers which were on the ground near the bed. "Pass me..?"

Kelly nodded grimly, gently helping Matt into them and carrying him into bed. Kelly had to do his very best to resist strangling the woman to death as he pulled her up and half dragged her to the kitchen. He set her down roughly on one of the bar stools before pulling out his phone and calling the police.

 

**

 

It was nearly an hour later by the time Kelly had things all sorted out with the police. Gabby was taken by the cops and carted off while things got figured out. As soon as the front door closed, Kelly let out a sigh of relief. He hadn't realized how tensed up he was. He looked down to his hands which were shaking violently, clenching them into tight fists. Kelly took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he walked to the bedroom.

He opened the door softly in case Matt had fallen asleep. Kelly closed the door behind him and turned to the bed. He took in the sight of Matt sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. Kelly made his way over to the bed, kneeling in front of the blonde. Matt groggily lifted his head, turning his heavy gaze to Kelly. "Can you help me shower?" His eyes were dull and his voice was still shaky. "She touched me and I..." Matt sighed softly. He was so broken, his face was pale and there were tears running down his face. He wasn't crying - yet there were tears, so many tears. It broke Kelly's heart. "...An-and the pain, it's uh... it's really bad. Thought hot water would help." Matt continued, trailing off softly.

"Of course, Matt." Kelly murmured, standing up and helping Matt to do the same. He pulled Matt into a careful embrace so that he wouldn't have to try to balance on one leg, "Let's get you into the shower, okay?"

Matt nodded against Kelly's neck. "Where's your hot rod? I'll get it for you." The dark-haired man prompted, rubbing little circles against the blonde's bare back. Matt pointed across the room at his wheelchair which was knocked over sideways.

Kelly help Matt sit for a moment as he went to fetch the chair, turning it back onto it's wheels and rolling it to Matt. Kelly knelt down in front of Matt once again, "Baby, I'm going to take your underwear off so you're ready to get in the shower," Kelly's brows were furrowed, he wanted to make sure Matt wouldn't have a stress relapse. "Is that okay?"

Matt's eyes widened slightly, "Uhm... I-" He scratched the back of his head anxiously. "It's... I- uh.."

"Shh... It's okay, Matthew." Kelly's voice was as calm and soothing as he could make it. "It's alright, you don't have to say yes." He smiled a little, holding Matt's good hand in his own. He pulled Matt's hand to his lips, kissing the back of it softly. "Ready to get in?" Kelly nodded toward the wheelchair.

"Yeah." Matt's voice was small as he switched his gaze down, embarrassed and ashamed of himself.

The dark-haired man helped Matt into the chair and rolled him carefully into the bathroom. 

"Can you-" Matt eyes darted between Kelly and the floor, "Can you lock the door?"

Kelly nodded, understanding why. "Do you want me to wait outside?"

"No.. I want you to stay... Please." The blonde was nervous. Or maybe it was just whatever anxiety was left to linger inside him. He wasn't sure, neither was Kelly. The only thing that was for certain, was the fact that Kelly wasn't going anywhere.

 Kelly turned the warm water on, filling the shower with steamy heat. He looked at Matt, at the shower, and back. The dark-haired lieutenant flashed Matt a small smile, "I'll be right back, babe. Less than a minute."

True to his word, Kelly returned in 47 seconds, not that Matt had been counting or anything. When the man had come back, it had been with a stool in his hand. He set it up in the shower, so that Matt could sit there and keep his weight off his leg.

He helped Matt stand up, his arms wrapping around the blonde tightly. 

"I think I'm ready now." He mumbled his head resting on Kelly's shoulder.

"Ready for what?" Kelly inquired carefully, his eyes closed as he relished in the feeling of having his boy in his arms.

Matt sighed, "For you to take them off..."

Kelly's arms moved down Matt's back slowly, stopping only once he reached the waistband of his boxers. He pushed them down gently, keeping an eye on Matt's body language so he'd know if the man needed a minute. Matt didn't tense up, and he didn't start hyperventilating, all which Kelly took as a good sign. In fact, Matt was leaning into the touch, a hitch in his breath letting Kelly know just how okay with this he was. 

Kelly grabbed onto Matt's thighs, hoisting him up and setting him down on the counter a few feet away. Matt threaded his hands around the back of Kelly's head, pulling him in for a kiss. Their lips touched softly, that familiar feeling that was only found with each other. It deepened as seconds turned into minutes, as excitement turned into need, as proximity turned into closeness on a deeper level. 

Without breaking the kiss, Kelly was able to pull Matt's boxers down halfway his legs. He had to pull away from the blonde in order to get the underwear the rest of the way off; he didn't want to accidentally hurt Matt so he put his full concentration on the removal process. After they were off, Matt grabbed a fistful of Kelly's shirt and pulled him back close. They leaned their foreheads against each other and closed their eyes, taking in the heavy breathing and the aura of warmth. Matt let his hands fall to Kelly's hips, his fingers sliding beneath the soft fabric of Kelly's t-shirt. 

It was a couple of minutes later and they were both soaking wet, inside the warm shower. Matt was seated on the chair in the shower, his leg brace off for the first time since the hospital. Kelly was standing behind Matt, massaging his head, his neck, his back. Washing his boy clean, getting rid of any biological evidence that could possibly show Gabriela Dawson had ever laid a hand on him.

Kelly opened the shower door after he finished with Matt. Drying himself off with a towel before wrapping it loosely around his hips and grabbing another one off the shelf. It was with a smile that he returned to the shower, beginning to dry Matt off from his head to his toes. He replaced the leg brace and helped Matt hobble into his wheelchair. 

"I was thinking," Kelly began, as he pushed Matt into the bedroom, rolling to a stop by the dresser. "We should put the TV in here."

"Why?" Matt chuckled, a little sleepy due to the relaxing shower.

"Because, it's been a lot more comfortable for you to be laying down since your accident, and I thought it would be nice if you were able to watch shows or a movie while you work on healing up that perfect body of yours." Kelly was shuffling through the dresser drawers as he spoke, finding Matt some comfortable clothes to wear. "Plus, then I don't have to wake you up and move you when you fall asleep during a movie." Kelly winked.

Matt smiled at Kelly as he went about putting Matt in a dry sling, throwing the wet one in the hamper. "Not the worst idea you've ever had."

"Perfect. It's settled!" Kelly grinned, picking out one of his own favourite shirts and helping Matt into it. The dark green tee hung just slightly looser on Matt than it usually did on Kelly, but Kelly loved that. He loved when Matt wore his shirts, or any of his clothing really. It just gave him this sense of pride, this feeling of _holy shit this guy is actually mine_.

Kelly also helped Matt into a nice fresh pair of black boxer briefs. He wanted the blonde to be cozy, so Kelly also grabbed a pair of Matt's tight-fitting sweatpants, the ones that fit him just perfectly in every place. Sure they fit really nice, but most importantly they'd make Matt feel comfortable and relaxed. He'd also be able to fit them over his brace, an on-going challenge now.

"You wanna get some sleep?" Kelly asked, looking in amusement at the way Matt's eyelids were drooping. 

Matt nodded jerkily, lifting his arm up, motioning for Kelly to pick him up. 

"Hold your horses, buddy." Kelly chuckled quietly, "Let me just get some clothes on first then off to bed you go." 

Matt murmured his agreement as Kelly quickly threw on a white, long-sleeved henley, and a set of boxers, as well as pair of black joggers. He rolled Matt over to the bed, lifting him up and setting him gently on the mattress. Kelly covered the blonde with the sheets and blankets, tucking him in to the very best of his abilities. "You catch some Z's. I'm gonna do some rearranging in the living room, sound okay?"

Matt nodded, closing his eyes, "Can you stay til 'm asleep?"

"Yeah, of course." Kelly smiled, moving to bring his hand up to Matt's face, cupping his cheek which was still flushed from the hot shower. He gently ran his thumb back and forth against the man's cheekbone for a while. After a small chunk of time passed, he moved his hand further up his head, resting it in his thick blonde hair. He ran his fingers through the damp hair, trying to tame that wild hair he'd grown to love. 

Matt was soon asleep for the first time since that bitch had woken him from his slumber. He hoped he could actually stay asleep, he was so worried about her return that he almost felt as if he had to sleep with one eye open. It helped a lot knowing that Kelly was out there, but he still worried. His sleep ended up being so fitful, that Kelly never left his side. With every toss and turn, with every groan of pain or scared whimper, Kelly was there, soothing him in some form or another. Whether it was soft whispers of calm comfort, or a hand running through his hair, the dark-haired lieutenant was watching over him.

It was only when he began screaming and yelling that Kelly woke Matt up, well - tried to wake him up anyway. "Baby.. Babe, wake up.. Wake up.. Matty, please.. C'mon wake up, it's okay.. You're okay, just come and wake up for me.." Kelly's voice got progressively louder with each little sentence he spoke, until he was nearly yelling himself as he tried to calm Matt down. To keep Matt from hurting himself, Kelly straddled Matt's waist. He held him down as gently as he could, holding down his bad arm and his bad leg when he could, so that they wouldn't be so sore later from all the aggravation. Kelly put his head right next to Matt's, holding him still. "It's okay. Matt, you're just having a bad dream. You're okay. It's me, Kelly. It's your Kelly, I'm right here for you. Time to wake up okay?"

Suddenly with a fit of coughing, Matt was wide awake and struggling against Kelly's hold. "Kel- Kelly!"

"I'm right here, baby. I'm here, don't worry, okay? Deep breaths."

Kelly heard Matt fill his lungs slowly and steadily, before exhaling and repeating a couple more times. "You okay?" He asked as he nuzzled the side of Matt's neck.

"Never..Should.. Have.. Left.. You.." Matt's voice was shaky and unsure.

"It's fine. That's in the past." Kelly tried to assure Matt.

Matt shook his head slightly, "No... Never should've.."

"But it's okay, you're here now right?" A small smile flashed over Kelly's lips, "Stop overthinking. I understand why you left, and it sucks - what happened.. I wish my baby wouldn't have gotten hurt so badly, but I'm just glad you're home. Okay?"

"I'm so.. I'm sorry, Sevy." Matt whispered into Kelly's ear. Like it was a secret between the two of them and they were the only ones that should know. Kelly's heart skipped a beat, the feeling of that warm breath skimming across his ear, a reminder that Casey was laying beneath him. Kelly pulled back just enough that he could lean in for a long, but soft, kiss. Just a little something to say _don't be sorry, it's okay_  in a way that words just couldn't.

"Hey, are you still up for pizza and that movie?" Kelly asked, looking to his phone briefly to check the time. "It's nearly supper time."

Matt looked confused for a few short moments, still a bit groggy. "I don't think I'm uh.. hungry."

"You gotta eat something though." Kelly had a knowing look on his face as he got up and off of Matt as gently as he could. 

The blonde shook his head just barely, "Don't feel like I can eat.. I'm sorry.."

Kelly sighed softly, he wished he would have stayed home earlier. None of this would have happened, _Gabby_ wouldn't have happened. "Is there anything besides pizza you'd eat? What if I made you a sandwich?"

Matt smiled as best he could, even though all he wanted was to start crying again. Today was one of his more emotionally unstable days, no thanks to Gabby's unwanted visit. "No thank you."

"Oatmeal? Nice and warm." Kelly offered, a smile making it's way to his face and going nowhere fast.

"Nah." Matt felt bad that he was saying no to Kelly's suggestions, it's just that he really wasn't hungry. 

"Some cereal?"

"Nah."

"Salad?"

"Nope." 

Kelly chuckled, "Good."

"What aboooout..." Kelly looked deep in thought as he mentally explored some options. "Nachos?"

Matt shook his head.

"Ice cream?"

The blonde perked up just slightly at that. "Uhh.. Maybe."

"Yes!" Kelly smile turned into a big grin, "Ice cream it is!"

Matt couldn't help but return the contagious smile as he fell just a little deeper in love with that dark-haired lieutenant.

 

**

 

The ice cream came and went. Maybe it wasn't the most healthy supper they'd ever had, but he was just glad he could get Matt to eat _something_.

Matt took another nap while Kelly went about cleaning up a bit around the house, not a large task, but something that kept him busy for a while anyways. Something that kept his mind off of worrying about the blonde. Though, even then, he couldn't help but check on him every couple minutes. Just make sure he was breathing, not in pain, still sleeping.

By the time he had everything cleaned that could possibly be clean, it was about two hours into Matt's nap. Kelly considered waking him but he let him be, turned off the lights in the bedroom and closed the door softly. He set their phones to call each other before he left, muting the sound on Matt's phone and turning his own on speakerphone so that he could hear if Matt started having another nightmare.

Kelly opened the fridge and cracked one of the few beers left in the fridge. Their house would soon be the poster boy for the anti-alcohol society. He downed a third of it in the first five seconds of opening it, but decided to savour the rest.

One of those tough days. That was what the last twenty-four hours had been. You could practically feel the anxiety floating through the air. But all things considering, Matt wasn't faring too bad. Sure he was still getting through this rough patch, but he wasn't shutting down and Kelly sensed a determination within the blonde that he hadn't felt in a while.

Kelly had just downed the last drop of beer when he heard Matt mumble, "Sev? Sevy? Where... Where are you?... Need you."

Was barely a few seconds later that Kelly came into the room, sitting on the edge of the bed and turning on the lamp that was nestled on the corner of the nightstand. "Hey, baby." Kelly cooed softly, "What do you need?

"You." Matt smiled up tiredly, reaching out for Kelly's arm and grabbing it just below his elbow, his grip weak. "Also, have... have to pee."

Kelly smiled, reaching out and slipping his arms around Matt's form. He picked up the man gently and helped him to the adjoining bathroom. He had to assist Matt in relieving himself because the blonde was just so completely exhausted. 

"Comin'... to bed?" Matt murmured into Kelly's neck as the dark-haired lieutenant carried him back into the bedroom. 

"Want me to?" Kelly inquired, his voice merely a whisper as he set Matt down and covered him with the blankets. He shut the lamp off and let darkness invade the room once again.

Matt nodded slowly, "Yeah... Need you... hold.. me."

The dark-haired man slipped into bed and wrapped his strong arms around Matt's body as best he could without causing Matt pain. Matt sighed contentedly, and it wasn't long until his breathing signified he was way in the midst of dreamland. Kelly wasn't too far behind, and they slept peacefully until somewhere in the wee hours of the morning.

"Nnngnh." Matt stirred, waking Kelly up. " _No._ "

"Case?" Kelly whispered as he cracked an eye open. They'd drifted apart in their sleep and their bodies were on complete opposite sides of the bed. That was somewhat of a rarity, they usual held onto each other through the night. This time however, Matt had drifted away.

Matt began to toss and turn vigorously, causing Kelly to open both eyes and lift his head off the pillow. 

 _"Shit."_   Kelly muttered to himself as he sat up and turned on the lamp. He crawled across the big bed and called out to Matt, "Hey, wake up. Buddy, it's me. It's Kelly, _wake up_." 

Matt didn't respond, instead, began thrashing even more violently as he began yelling. Worried that he would hurt himself, Kelly grabbed Matt in a similar way to what he'd done earlier. Matt was still shouting and tears were streaming down his face, "NO!  _NO._ " He yelled, his nightmare obviously extremely vivid.

Kelly had no idea what was going on, but he acted quick and let his instincts guide him. He leaned further down, just enough the he could kiss the side of Matt's neck and whisper sweet little words in the man's ear. "It's okay," He said softly, soothingly, "Hey, I'm here, you're okay, Matty." Matt was still sobbing in his sleep, but he definitely wasn't thrashing so much anymore, just the occasional jerk. 

"I got you, Matt. You're safe. I'm holding you tight and nothing can happen to you." Kelly tried gently, hoping to coax Matt's subconscious into loosening it's grip.

Matt suddenly flashed wide awake. His eyes opened and they stared deeply into Kelly's eyes with more raw emotion than Kelly knew what to do with. Matt was lost, and he was scared, terrified even, Kelly could tell just by looking in his eyes. The dark-haired man watched the blonde's pupils as everything he had just dreamed up, began flooding back into his oceans of blue. Matt began to cry, he cried long and hard and he felt like a pathetic wimp because he never used to be this weak. Or perhaps, it wasn't weakness, maybe it was just his inability to handle the world, he didn't feel brave anymore.

"It's okay, babe." Kelly held onto Matt so tight, he felt like he'd never let go. "I'm here." 

"J-ju-just ch-" Matt stuttered between his sobs, his body wracking cries that jolted his being.

Kelly pushed back the sweaty, matted hair on Matt's head, "What?" He prompted as gently as he could.

"I-I wa-was crashing.. Crashing again.." Matt cried, almost hysterical as he clung to Kelly like his life depended on it. "I-It hurt's so mu-much.."

"You're safe now, Matty. I got you." Kelly's heart was cracking into a million pieces at the sight of Matt's breakdown. He wished there was more he could do, but he didn't even know where to start. Kelly rolled himself over a bit so that Matt was laying somewhat on top of Kelly, his bad shoulder facing up and the blonde head of hair tucked under Kelly's chin. He continued to soothingly rub circles up and down Matt's back, making sure to mind all the bruising. Matt took sharp intakes of air every now and then as his body and mind slowly wound down.

Kelly very slowly but surely got Matt back to sleep, though it was over the course of an hour and a half. He didn't mind though, they had the day off tomorrow, plus, at least this way they could be exhausted together. Once Kelly was sure that Matt was once again snoozing peacefully, Kelly let himself finally get some rest too. This time though, he definitely wasn't going to be letting go of Matt, not for the entire remainder of the night.

 

**

 

Matt slept soundly for what was left of the night, well, morning technically. And when he did wake up, it was much more pleasant than the previous time, in fact it was a perfect way to wake up. The smell of bacon wafted through the house, along with the scent of fresh coffee, and pancakes. Matt heard the sizzling the second he woke up, and it was only a few seconds later that he sat up in bed, ready to be awake and follow the trail to find some of that delicious smelling food. He looked down at his stupid leg with it's stupid leg brace. He found it quite inconvenient that he'd broken his femur, silly thing, getting in the way all the time.

Matt stood shakily, clinging to the closest wall and using it to stumble his way out of the room. "Hey, you were supposed to stay in bed," Kelly smiled as he glanced over to Matt, who was standing in the kitchen entryway, leaning against the wall for support.

Matt limped over to Kelly, hugging the dark-haired man from behind with his one good arm. "Sorry not sorry," Matt said with a yawn, his forehead resting against the back of Kelly's head. 

"It's okay, I'll just have to bring you breakfast in bed on the couch," Kelly grinned, before pointing in the direction of the sofa. "Go, sit, find a show." He ordered with a mock heir of superiority.

"Sure thing, your majesty," Matt said sarcastically, mocking a half-bow before grinning his cheeky little grin and beginning to make his way to the couch. 

"Need any help getting there?" The dark haired lieutenant questioned carefully, looking at the way Matt was hobbling along, trying to keep the weight off his bad leg.

"No, I need food, so you just keep doing your thing. I got this." Matt threw back with a laugh.

Kelly chuckled and he shook his head fondly before turning back to the stove. "I won't be long," He called after Matt, as he began plating the delicious breakfast they were about to dive into. Kelly set up a tray for Matt, which had the plate of bacon and pancakes, along with freshly brewed coffee, and an apple, which he cut up and peeled because he knew Matt hated the peels.

He delivered the tray to Matt who was sitting down on the couch, already looking quite exhausted, patiently waiting for his much anticipated food. Kelly held the tray high enough that Matt couldn't quite see what was on it, while Matt's face lit up. 

"You hungry yet?" Kelly smirked, watching as Matt tried to look high enough to see the top of the tray. 

"Yeah," Matt smiled his cute little smile, excited for his much needed food. As good as it had been, the ice-cream last night hadn't quite filled him up and his stomach was protesting wildly.

Kelly set the tray on Matt's lap, "There's a catch though," Kelly continued, playfully pushing Matt's hand away when he tried to take a slice of bacon from the plate. 

"What's the catch?" Matt questioned in amusement, looking up to Kelly.

"You gotta pay for this." 

Matt looked thoughtful for a moment, as if he was pondering something. "I bet I could find like 70 cents in the couch cushions, would that do it for you, _honey?"_ He replied mostly sarcastically, exaggerating the term of endearment for his well planned dramatic effect.

Kelly laughed and his eyes widened in surprise, "No money! That's not really the kind of payment I was going for."

" _Oh_ ," Matt said suggestively, "So, you want _that_ kind of payment then?" The blonde raised his eyebrows very suggestively, effectively making Kelly giggle.

"No!" He squeaked, trying to contain his laughter. "I want a kiss."

"Okay." Matt smiled reaching for the bacon again, but alas his hand was swatted away once more. 

"Hey!" Kelly smirked slightly, "Where is my payment, mister?" 

Matt looked up with a sly look on his face, "When you go to a restaurant, you don't pay until _after_ your meal." 

Kelly merely laughed, it was softly, but wholeheartedly. "This isn't a restaurant, Matty."

"Then I shouldn't have to pay." Matt interjected, grinning because he knew he'd just won.

Kelly threw his hands up in exasperation, "Ugh." He chuckled, "Never mind, smart-ass."

Matt was just able to squeeze in a wink before Kelly turned to the kitchen to get his own food from the counter.

Their plates were empty in no time, and their cups not long after. Kelly was watching a show with Matt, or at least he thought he was. A glance over in the other man's direction proved otherwise, he was once again fast asleep. Kelly was just happy the man was resting, he knew his sleep had been fitful since the accident so he'd let Matt have all the sleep he could get.

Plus, Matt looked absolutely adorable when he was sleeping so how could Kelly possibly wake him up?


	30. Convalesce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Can you guys believe it? Last chapter! Thank you all for joining me on this wild, emotional rollercoaster of fun times. I value and adore every single kudo and comment, and I've really appreciated all the support and love this story has gotten and continues to get! <3 Enjoy peeps! Love to you all! xxx

 

 _8 months later_.

 

"You dashing young man." Kelly huffed with a big grin, hands on his hips, eyes sparkling bright. The blonde, who was standing in front of the dresser trying to get his shirt on, turned around, flashing Kelly a little smirk. Kelly walked closer and helped Matt finish putting his shirt on, somehow the blonde had managed to get it all tangled up.

"Thanks." Matt looked up sheepishly.

Kelly wrapped his arms around Matt's waist, pulling him close, lips inches apart. "Anything for you, my little cupcake sugar muffin sunshine boo bear."

"Your, uh,  _what?"_   Matt's eyebrow quirked up in amusement, a little confused, but a lot entertained.

The dark-haired lieutenant laughed, "Oh, c'mon you love it."

Matt started giggling, "Is that right?"

"Yeah," Kelly nodded, leaning forward until their lips touched. "Don't even try to deny it." He teased jokingly a few moments after he broke the kiss. Kelly left a little trail of kisses along Matt's jaw, up to his ear, his face nuzzling the side of Matt's neck.

"I won't then," Matt shrugged pulling Kelly's head back to where it was so he could continue kissing him.

"We should uh.." Kelly was interrupted by another kiss, his breathing hitched but he tried to stay focused, he pulled back. 

" _Matthew._ " Kelly moaned as Matt nibbled on the dark-haired lieutenant's ear, "Matt, we need to get ready for work."

"True." Matt was smirking, "I guess this'll have to wait until tomorrow." He winked, rubbing up against Kelly, the friction making them both breathe a little heavier.

"Yeah." Kelly groaned, reluctantly stepping away, running a hand through his hair. "You're so mean."

Matt winked suggestively, "You know, we have a little extra time before we have to leave."

A disbelieving smirk on his face as he looked at Matt, _that horny bastard._ "I'll never say no to that." Kelly chuckled softly, quickly closing the distance between him Matt. Pulling their bodies together for what would be the last time until their shift was over.

 

**

 

Matt's injuries had healed as best and as fast as they possibly could have and at this point he was beginning to get back to work. Even though it was still only light duties, Matt was just relieved to be doing something. He'd recalled saying to Kelly on his first day back, how he'd never been so glad to see a stack of paperwork in his entire life.

Kelly was equally relieved to have Matt back at work, albeit for different reasons. He was glad that he could keep a better eye on Matt during shift. As anxious as Matt running into burning buildings still made him, he knew that he was good at his job and he had a lot of faith in the blonde. He knew that as close as some calls came, they were both too stubborn to die, that's what made them the perfect power couple. 

The two of them still hadn't said a word about their relationship to any members of 51, and they wanted to keep it that way as long as they could. They knew their relationship conflicted with rules of the house, and they worried that they'd have to cease working together if they told everyone. It had been a hard decision of course, but they valued spending time with each other too much to have it come to an end. Not to mention, they both felt as if 51 was their family, so it would be a hard decision to say who stays and who goes. Therefore, it made things easier just to keep their relationship behind closed doors.

The most unfortunate part about returning to work, was that Gabby was now a constant source of Matt's minor ptsd. That day still rung as vividly in his mind as it had when it happened, he was so defenceless, so vulnerable... And Matt would never be able to forgive Gabby for taking advantage of that, and neither would Kelly. Members of 51 often questioned amongst themselves why the two lieutenants treated her so coldly, but they never asked Casey or Severide to their face.

It was close to the end of fall. A warm day, sun shining. Seemed like any other day to the crew at 51 but little did they know, it would be far from that. The call was a nasty one, they knew that going into it. A gas station just around the corner from Firehouse 51 was apparently lit up like a christmas tree. A christmas tree that was on fire, any way.

"Everybody hold back," Boden boomed to his people. "Those gas pumps are gonna be the next to blow, I don't want anyone near them!"

"Copy, chief." Casey replied with a firm nod. Him and Severide were standing next to each other waiting for the inevitable explosion that would come. The flames were already licking the canopy above the pumps, it was a matter of seconds before the pumps themselves would catch and explode. There was no possible way they could prevent it at this stage, so their best bet was to stay safe and do damage control afterwards.

The gas station had been evacuated so there was no-one in any danger. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Dawson went flying past them and towards the explosion, a fire extinguisher in hand. Ever since her return to truck, she had always seemed like she was trying to prove something to her higher-ups. Specifically, Casey. Today was no exception.

"Dawson, fall back now." Casey shouted. beginning to go after her, but Severide held him back. _"Matt, don't put two people in danger."_   He whispered, just loud enough for Matt to hear, no-one else. 

"Get back here now, Dawson! That's an order!" Chief Boden yelled, very obviously upset.

To no surprise, Dawson didn't bother even glancing back. To her credit, it was pretty ballsy, what she was doing. But at the same time, everyone was baffled, trying to figured out what the hell she was planning to do. Wielding her fire extinguisher, she attempted to blow out the flames around the pumps, but she obviously had no idea what she was doing. Everyone was yelling for her to come back but she wasn't listening, just had this smug smile on her face as she sprayed monoammonium phosphate everywhere, thinking she was saving the world.

Except she wasn't.

Thank goodness Kelly left his hand on Matt's arm. The men probably thought it was there in case Matt decided to try go to Dawson, but it was really there because Kelly knew Matt needed just that extra little bit of contact. A stressful situation for everyone involved, that's what it was, and that's what it continued to be.

Time seemed to move in slow motion as they all waited for Gabby to get the hell back to safety but she was determined to do her own thing, disrespecting her lieutenant and chief, trying to put the whole damn fire out with a tiny 5 pound extinguisher. 

It blew up quickly and the explosion was so much bigger than any of them had expected. If it hadn't been for Kelly pushing him to the ground and shielding him with his own body, Matt would have been covered in shrapnel. Kelly had all his turnout gear on, as well as his helmet, so he didn't fare any injuries. However, the same couldn't be said about Dawson.

There was no way in hell she had survived that explosion. No damn way in hell. Everyone knew, and their thoughts were confirmed when parts of hey body began raining from the sky.  A finger here, a foot there... It was terrifying to everyone, even chief Boden, who never flinched at anything, had this lost look on his face. It was only a few seconds later before he pulled himself together for his people and started throwing orders. They soon had the flames under control eventually they finished the call.

The rest of shift was long and full of grim faces, and Matt couldn't help but spend most of his time in his office. He couldn't take it any longer. He couldn't keep listening to people praising Gabby as if she had been the most angelic woman on earth. As if she hadn't done a single thing wrong in her life, as if she was a sane, kind, gentle woman who just had this beautiful determination about her. No. Not in Matt's eyes. To Matt, this was the woman who had unconsenually touched him when he was unable to stop her, this was the person who had basically stalked him and obsessed over him to the point of calling the police. This was the woman who yelled at him, who hit him, who caused him pain, who hurt him in more ways than he could possibly list. 

Severide stopped by sometime in the late evening for a chat, closing the Matt's office door behind him as he stepped inside. "How are you doing?" There was a look of concern on Kelly's face as he spoke. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug the man, hold him close. But they had boundaries and rules for when they were at work in order to protect their relationship, and this wasn't the time to break them.

"Okay," Matt shrugged, "I guess... I dunno, people keep asking me that. But I'm okay."

Kelly nodded in understanding, taking a seat on the end of Matt's bed, "They think you and her were close, that's why they're asking."

"I know... And we used to be.. 'til she went all psycho... Then all that shit happened and-..."

A sympathetic crossed Kelly's face, "Yeah.."

"It's weird though. I feel.. Guilty almost."

"Guilty?" Kelly was confused, surely the blonde didn't think any of this was his fault.

"I feel like I shouldn't be okay, I feel like I should be more sad about what happened.. But I'm almost.. I'm almost like, relieved... I don't know.. It's- it's weird."

A look of realization crossed the dark-haired lieutenants face. "Considering everything that happened, I don't think it's wrong - the way you feel. I think I'd feel the same way about it all if I was in your shoes."

"I really need a hug." Matt murmured, resting his head in his hands. 

Kelly nodded regretfully, wishing more than anything they were in their own home where they could be themselves, "I wish I could give you one."

"Can you? Please? I know it's against our rules but-" Matt trailed off, a look of longing on his face. Like hell Kelly could say no to him right now, not when he needed him the most.

"Of course, love. I guess we'll just have to make it look like a super manly bro hug." Kelly teased as he stood up and reached out for Matt, who fell into his arms quite willingly and all at once.

Matt relaxed into Kelly's arms the second they wrapped around him; there was truly nothing quite like a Kelly hug. Unfortunately it was extremely short lived due to their current environment, but Matt knew it was just a taste of what he could expect to come in the morning when he was back at home. "Thank you," Matt murmured softly.

"My pleasure." Kelly nodded a sad smile on his face, "When we get home, I'll hold you all day, deal?"

Matt closed his eyes, he was in heaven just thinking about it. "Deal." He sighed.

"You should get some sleep, Matthew." Kelly said softly, motioning for Matt to get into bed. "I think everyone in the bunk room in asleep, so if you get in quick I can tuck you in yet before I go."

Matt smiled tiredly. How the hell he'd gotten this lucky he had no idea. He clambered into bed exhaustedly, the exertion of the day finally setting in. Kelly pulled the covers over him, tucking him in on all sides, making sure he was comfortable. "Can you stay for a few minutes?" Matt mumbled, his voice a little raspy. 

"Of course I can." Kelly smiled down at the man, brushing his light blonde hair away from his face, in the process managing to sooth Matt to the point of dozing off. Kelly couldn't resist leaving a kiss on the man's forehead before he left, returning to his own bunk just a few feet away. 

The night was quiet and fortunately, they didn't have one call to go to. When morning came everyone was relieved to be going home. Kelly, who was driving, rested his hand on Matt's thigh as they made their way home. They were both ready and longing to be back home after such a rough shift, they had to fight the magnetic pull between their bodies that urged them closer.

Matt sighed happily as he unlocked the front door, taking a deep breath and exhaling audibly. "Home sweet home." He announced with a grin. He spun around towards Kelly who was just taking off his shoes, and he was just unable to resist pulling the man into right into his arms. As well-planned as it had been, there was a little miscalculation on Matt's behalf and Kelly was soon sent off balance. It was only a matter of moments before they both ended up stumbling to the ground, Matt falling on top of Kelly's body, burying his head in-between the dark-haired man's neck and shoulder. A fit of soft laughs erupted from Matt, whilst all Kelly could do was shake his head incredulously, a dumfounded smile on his face as he admired the blonde. Matt rolled off of Kelly but made no move to get up from the floor.

"You're happy." Kelly commented as he studied Matt.

Matt's laughter translated into a big grin and sparkling eyes as he nodded, "I am."

Kelly and Matt were on their sides, laying on the ground facing each other. "Like, _really_   happy."

The blonde nodded and shuffled a tad bit closer, grabbing Kelly's hand. "Thanks to you."

"I didn't do anything," Kelly was blushing, staring down at their intertwined hands.

"Like hell," Matt murmured, his free hand coming up to Kelly's face, sliding a finger under his chin, urging him to look up. "I don't think I'd even be alive if it wouldn't have been for you."

"Sure you would." Kelly smiled at that perfect, amazing, thoughtful, caring, gentle man in front of him. "You're my trooper. You're so brave and so strong, Matt. You would have found a way to get through it if I wasn't there."

Matt shook his head, "Nah, Kel. You saved me. I don't know why, but you did."

"Because, Matthew, you're worth saving. You've always been worth everything to me.. you always will be."

Matt teared up just the slightest bit at that. His past, the things that he'd had to go through... It'd led him to believe that he wasn't worth a damn to anyone, that people didn't care about him. Of course, once he'd settled in to 51 that had changed greatly, but those last few walls he'd been holding up were broken down by Kelly. He could never thank the man enough for that, for teaching him how to be loved, for showing him what it felt like to be taken care of for once. 

Kelly stood up and reached down to Matt who immediately gravitated towards him. Kelly heaved Matt up and helped him stand. Matt's bad leg gave out a little under him, and he stumbled into Kelly's arms, but the dark-haired lieutenant didn't mind. Just held him until he stabilized, before helping him over to couch, getting him settled before joining him. "Your leg?" He asked softly.

Matt nodded, a brave smile on his face despite the pain. 

Kelly slowly removed Matt's jeans which were often a little too abrasive against his still-sensitive limb. Matt sighed exhaustedly, relieved at the feeling of cool air hitting his leg.

For a while they just sat on the couch. Kelly had decided to keep the TV in the living room because it ended up being a good spot for Matt to work on his physiotherapy exercises. So there they were, all snuggled up, watching a movie and enjoying the kind of close proximity that eluded them during shift. Kelly was watching absentmindedly, most of his concentration on massaging Matt's thigh. It still pained him often and some days he could barely walk, especially long days at the firehouse when he was on his feet a lot. But he was slowly getting a little less broken, and thanks to Kelly and the way he unceasingly cared for Matt, he was getting through everything that life was throwing at him.

Matt was laying lengthwise, and Kelly was sitting under his thighs, close to middle of the couch. The bottom of Matt's thighs were touching the top of Kelly's, and as Kelly gently worked the sinewy, tense, and sore muscle, he began to notice he was putting Matt to sleep. He was glad. Matt had had a taxing day, and even though he was so sore and emotionally drained, he kept up appearances and didn't complain once. Kelly loved him for that; for his amazing resilience and his hardworking determination.

After Kelly knew he was asleep he began to slowly stop massaging his leg, not wanting to wake the blonde up. Instead, he traced the scars that littered his thighs. All the little reminders of how bad things had been, how much pain and turmoil Matt had gotten through. Yet here he was. Here _they_ were. After all that, and Matt was finally done with the cruel monsters in his head, he was finally okay, finally _happy_. It was a couple hours later when Matt's eyes start fluttering open.

"Hey, sleepy head." Kelly whispered as he flashed Matt a smile.

"Hey, you." Matt murmured cheerfully. Straight away when he opened his eyes, he was smiling, _he woke up smiling_. Seeing Matt so joyful on a regular basis made Kelly completely ecstatic.

The blonde giggled as he watched Kelly pull out from underneath Matt's legs and clamber up the sofa towards him. Kelly swiftly pulled him to his chest, his arms wrapping around him tightly, pushing their beating hearts together. "I love it when you're happy."

"Yeah? Well, I love _you_." 


End file.
